This is not what I thought this week would feel like. I thought I would feel light and jubilant. Those adjectives could not be farther from how I feel.
I feel so bad that I realized pretty quickly that it’s probably hormone related. I wish I didn’t respond so poorly to even low dose birth control or I’d be knocking down my doctor’s door asking for HRT. But my assumption is that it will make me feel even more out-of-control emotionally so I haven’t pursued it. I also believe that if I say, “every kind of hormonal BCP made me a raging bitch who cried all the time, do you think HRT will do the same?” my doctor will have any idea how to respond. I think Western medicine has no idea how or why some women respond in certain ways to hormones, because it doesn’t care about the emotional well being of women, especially not of those past child bearing age.
My lower back is killing me, but I can’t do any of the stretches that make it feel better because they all involve bringing my butt to me heels, which I can’t do. I’ve been working on increasing flexion in my knee so my knee is sore. I don’t feel like I’ve gained ANY flexion in my knee, despite working on it consistently. I’m starting to worry I’ll never be able to bend my knee comfortably again. I’ve cried ugly tears over my fears that my knee will be like this forever. Now that I’ve finished my test, I’ve moved past that one concrete goal to the simple, burning desire to just have my knee back the way it was. I want to run. I want to sit cross legged, or on my knees. I just want my knee back.
A bunch of teachers are leaving at my school and it’s a bummer. Every year teachers leave, but this year a lot of teachers are leaving. They leave every year for myriad reasons, but this year many of them are leaving because of frustrations around the way things are run in our district. It just makes me wonder why I’m still there, why I stay there and have plans to always stay there. It just makes me question a lot of things, and when large amounts of staff leave it creates a lot of uncertainty.
A lot of changes are happening at the dojo too. It’s a non-profit, community dojo, so change is bound to happen. The next few weeks will bring a lot of upheaval in main leadership positions. Again, it means uncertainty in a space that has come to mean a lot to me. I’m struggling with it.
Things at home aren’t great either. I feel like the efforts I made while my husband was away are not being recognized, and instead I feel like I’m being criticized for reacting negatively under pressure. It drives me all kinds of crazy when I’m put in impossible situations and then when I’m pushed to my limit and snap, he tells me I need to chill out. If he had to get through last week he would have totally imploded, but I’m not allowed to even blow off some steam after seven days of intense stress.
He’s also miserable at work, so he’s totally unable to support me. Right now I have nothing to give him, and I can tell he’s a little surprised by my lack of empathy. I just can’t right now.
It’s been a shitty week. And this weekend won’t provide much respite. But I took next Friday off (or I’m going to put in for it – my friend said she can sub for me), and I’m really hoping I can recharge then. It feels impossibly far away, but hopefully my hormones will even out before then, and my chiropractic appointment early next week will provide some relief for my back.
Tomorrow is Thursday. I hate Thursdays, and tomorrow will be as especially bad Thursday. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. God I hope it’s not as bad as I’m imagining…
I finished my belt test without hurting my knee. I am so relieved that it’s over.
Since seconds after I hurt myself almost 8 weeks ago I’ve hoped that I could take my test. Every time I didn’t skip my rehab exercises, every time I strapped on my brace, I did it to make my chances of testing a little higher. And now that test is over and I can put all the weight of that worry down.
I can also stop reviewing one steps and forms and arm bars and weaves in my head. I can just let it all go. It’s such a relief.
And yet, this morning I woke up and was reminded that the rest of my life has been waiting for me and still needs attention. A lot of attention.
My husband came home late last night and I was reminded that his presence does not solve all problems. In fact, in creates a few.
So yes, I’m feeling all kinds of relief. And I’m very grateful.
I’m also tired and facing down a long list of things to do. A very long list.
Engie had a photo by hour post up today (ahem, Thursday) and I thought, what a fun idea! I’ve done “Day in the Life” posts a few time but never with a photo every hour. I thought it might be fun to try it out. Thursdays are my longest, hardest days and this week is one of the longest, hardest weeks so far this year. Maybe this post will remind me that it’s not all as hard as it feels.
6:17am
I finally get out of bed, 15 mins after my first alarm and way too late. I check on the weather through the window by the desk. I don’t even close the blind on this window when my husband is gone, because I’m worried I’ll forget to open it and my little tree will go without the scarce sunlight it gets in that spot.
7:43am
I get into work a little late but I still score a spot in the parking lot right in front of my classroom, which is important because I need to leave right when class ends today to get my daughter to swimming on time.
This shot is a real snapshot into my life. As you can see I’m listening to Iron Flame in Spanish. It took me a while to get into it, but I’m liking it now. This shot also has my coffee and my new YETI full of cold water (that I keep in the car so I don’t forget it in my classroom). The space in front of the passenger sheet is full of my stuff for work today and my kids stuff for after work today. Finally my glove box is open so I can pick the lanyard I’ll wear today. Because I’m a crazy lanyard lady who picks her key lanyard based on what she’s wearing. Today I traded out the awesome Lucha Libre lanyard I got in Mexico City for a cute cat one I got in Japantown.
8:27am
I get to school an hour early every day so I can get some work done before the school day starts. This time is important because most days I have to dart our minutes after the bell rings to drive my kids to things, leaving my room kind of a mess.
Usually I sit on the floor to work but with my knee I’ve been sitting at my actual desk to work. Which maybe I’ve never done before? Which is ridiculous because I have an obscenely expensive chair at that desk, one I spent an embarrassing amount of money on many years ago. And now I’m finally using it.
9:42am
We’re filing a video skit of a story we invented together as a class in 5th period (which is the first class today because it’s our block day). We got scenes 1, 2, and 2.5 all in one take but scene 3 is a comedy of errors. It’s been fun and there has been a lot of laughing but now we only have 18 minute to film the rest of the skit so we need to get it right this time. And we do! We finish the skit with 30 seconds to spare and then we head out to the quad together because I have break duty this week.
10:25am
We’re watching Encanto (in Spanish) in my 6th grade class because I just can’t teach them anything today. I haven’t seen this movie in so long and I’m really loving it. Oh and I’m starting this post, instead of getting some quiz scores uploaded. Better get on that now.
And I did! And then for the rest of the day I remembered to take some photos and not others and didn’t get anything else written anyway, but I’m going to try to finish it up now. As everything in my life is lately, this will be an incomplete and somewhat disappointing attempt. And yet, it’s better than nothing (or so I tell myself).
11:15am and 11:22am
We had a Drop and Cover drill, followed by an evacuation, at the end of 1st period. It’s weirdly the least scary drill (for me), because I know it’s highly possible for there to be an earthquake at school, but I’d rather face that than an active shooter, which is another one of our common drills.
12:37am
I tried to take a picture during 2nd period but it never happened. At one point I was holding my phone with the camera open and I took this by accident and I kind of like it. It’s my students’ (chosen) Spanish names so I can put them here.
2:52pm
Today I gave out prizes for free reading bingo and I set them up in the service closet that I’ve kind of taken over as my own.
I thought I took a photo at 3:10 when I pulled out of the parking lot but I guess I didn’t. I also didn’t take one during the 4pm hour because is spent 3:10 until 5:15 driving my daughter to swimming and then taking my son and I to the dojo. So much car time.
5:17pm
At the dojo, getting ready for test prep.
6:31pm
Still at the dojo, prepping for our test. At this point my son is done with class and watching a show on his iPad while he eats his dinner in the hall.
7:45pm
I stick my head into the bigger room to say goodbye before I leave. This room is usually full of people taking a class, but most classes are open mat this week to make space for test prep. I will be so happy when our test is over.
8:58pm
Oh my god these cats on this island will be the death of me. They drive me so crazy. And so does all the chores that happen in the kitchen. I like eating a lot but pretty much everything required to eat annoys me, from buying food to preparing it to cleaning up when I’m done. I’ll be glad when my husband is back to do pretty much everything in the kitchen.
At 9pm I’m doing the dishes from the day and prepping to make the kids’ lunches in the morning. They put together the non-perishables in their five Bentgo boxes every Sunday so all I have to do is add a sandwich and some carrots. Every night I get the coffee maker ready and fill up the water filter and empty the ice cube trays. My kingdom for an automatic ice cube maker. 🤣
9:34pm
My daughter realizes she has math homework and starts to do it. She is very upset because there is a lot and it’s late.
10:20pm
She is melting down. I am too. She says it takes her 10 minutes to do one problem. I time her and she finishes in just under two minutes. She asks me send her a screen shot of the time and I’m glad she does because I have a final shot to finish the day.
We head to bed around 10:45pm, MUCH later than I was planning. At least Friday is an easier day. I’ll definitely bring going to bed earlier the night before my belt test.
I’m feeling really under the water right now. I use that phrase a lot, and it’s because it’s really how I feel. I swam for years, competitively, and I love being in large bodies of waters. I’ve lived near the ocean my entire life and I’ve swam in it where the water is cold and the waves are crashing, as well as where the water is warm and the sand gleams white even at several feet. I’ve been thrashed about by massive swells and I’ve felt the crushing weight of still water above me as I’ve tried to steal glances of coral and fish. The water is a wonderful thing, but it can drag you under and push the air out of your lungs. And when my life is putting pressure on me from all sides, it absolutely feels like I’m underwater, like I can’t breath and I’m unsure if I’ll make it to the surface in time to take that all important breath.
When my kids were young and we had way fewer resources (mostly because we had less money, but for other reasons also), I pointed my finger at all manner of circumstance I could not control to explain why I felt so overwhelmed. Now we have more resources (mostly because we make more money and have to spend less of it on childcare), and I recognize that the overwhelm I feel is largely due to my own choices. I prioritize certain things, and sometimes those choices add stress to my life, and make certain avenues of alleviating that stress less accessible.
One way I know I’m really feeling underwater is when I start to read other people’s blogs and feel an urge to mutter “must be nice” when I read about their situations and circumstances. When the resources they have, that I don’t, are all I can pick out of the page. I KNOW how much I have and that I can afford so much more than what I need. I would not change most things about my life and I don’t want the lives of the people I read. So when I start hearing myself mutter “must be nice” in the back of my mind, I know that my current regimen is not sustainable. I may want it to be, I may want to keep prioritizing things the way I have been, but it’s clearly not working for some part of me. I am not getting enough of something (usually downtime or effective rest) that I need, and I’ll have to shift my priorities to regain some balance.
The problem is, shifting my priorities usually means less of the things I enjoy, but that are not necessary, to make space for things that are serve me but are not necessarily enjoyable to execute (more sleep, healthier food, etc). But also, this year has been an outlier for us in that we’ve traveled more during the school year than ever before. We usually take one little trip a year, generally to the snow for a long weekend or down to LA or San Diego to see friends and visit a big park. This year we went to Universal Studios, camped at Pinnacles, went to Mexico City and camped at Joshua Tree. So many of our long weekends and breaks have been taken over by travel, and I’m learning that I can’t really handle that happily. It’s just too much for me. I need more of my breaks to be actual breaks! In the future I will have to advocate for my needs around this, now that I better know what they are.
I also need to hire a house cleaner. I keep telling myself that when the school year is over, and we stop paying so much for after school care, I can make it work. I really need to stick by that promise to myself.
And now I need to get back to work. I really didn’t have time to write this post, but sometimes I just need to get a thought down so I can move past it and focus on everything else. I really hope this was one of those times.
This was going to be a Two Fives on Friday post but I clearly couldn’t manage that. I didn’t even come close. But I can at least get up a little recap in before this week swallows me whole.
{It actually became a real post about our trip! Complete with pictures! It’s a miracle! I wrote it Sunday night but decided to schedule it to post Monday morning. Just some clarity on some of the “tonight” talk.}
We’re back from our little camping trip to Joshua Tree. It was a good trip. I didn’t feel like I could sit down and rest for even one second, but I’m glad we went. Joshua Tree is an amazing spot and I had never been there. I’m glad I’ve experienced it, and that I was able to do so with my family.
The weather was beautiful. Spring is definitely the time to go. Wednesday was actually quite warm (85*), but that day was a weird blip for 10 days before and after. It seems like 65-75 is the norm for the days in April and 45-50 is a consistent low at night. It’s incredibly dry there. Even with a 40 degree difference between the low at night and the high in the day there was NO condensation on anything when we woke up. Our skin and lips were very dry by the time we left. It did get chilly at night but it stayed relatively warm until we went to bed and then was warm again pretty quickly in the mornings. I packed up some warm pants for before and after sleep that no one really needed.
We have a good set up for food for two nights of camping. We bring already cooked spaghetti that we warm up in a pot on our camping stove for the first night and hot dogs to cook over the fire for the second night. We bring PB&J sandwich fixings for the lunch and bagels and cream cheese for extra food when we need it. We also bring walnuts and cranberries as a snack.
This was our first camping trip where we had to bring in our own water. I was stressed about it, and bought a four pack of 2.6L water bags. We ended up filling three of them (I couldn’t find the top for one) and then later filled up two more and we had an entire extra bag of water. One 2.6L bag of water for each of us for drinking, cleaning and dishes for 48 hours of camping in a very dry, warm place.
We also had two gallon milk jugs of water frozen in our YETI. These were clutch. They kept the YETI cool for 72 hours (we left early on Monday and spent the first night in Palm Springs, but we didn’t take anything out of the YETI that night). It was also AMAZING to poor the cold water out into our water bottles on Wednesday when we were hot. I found this “camping hack” on a KOA site and we will absolutely be using it again. Such a great way to keep your cooler cold but still be able to use the water as it melts. And the YETI was dry when we got home! Hooray!
We finished the fifth and final Lockwood & Co book (The Empty Grave) on this trip. We absolutely LOVED this series and the final book was not a disappointment. We started this one in December on our camping trip to Pinnacles and I didn’t push continuing it because I wanted to save the second half for this trip. I’m so glad we did. We spent a lot of time in the car and this book definitely helped us pass that time.
Which I appreciated because both our driving days were over 12 hours. The Chevy Bolt ranks low among electric vehicles for long haul car trips and we definitely know why. We can only safely go 150 miles at 75-80mph before needing to charge again. And getting back to 80-90% takes about 45 minutes when we’re low. We’ve had our car for six years and we knew it wasn’t the greatest for long road trips. We don’t take many so it didn’t bother us much, but I decided after this trip that if we take it down to San Diego I would need to stay for at least a week or take another car. I just can’t do two 12 hour driving days with only two days of “visit” in between.
Having said that, the car handled the cargo carrier and bag great. I don’t think it shaved much mileage off the car’s capacity. We didn’t hear it at all, and it only bottomed out a couple times. I am VERY pleased with those purchases and will be putting that baby on the back whenever we need extra space.
The kids were fine on the trip but there were big feelings about not being able to shower for two nights and quite a bit of bickering. They weren’t always sure how to be helpful and pretty much everything fell to my husband and I. It definitely felt like a really intense trip and we were both pretty exhausted by the end of it. It was not at all restful or relaxing. Still I’m glad we went. And I appreciated that we got home three days before returning to school.
I have spent much of those three days working or prepping for my test next weekend, but I’ve also gotten all the laundry done and all of the camping stuff back in the shed. Today the kids helped me clean the car (inside and out) and I’ve tackled some pain points that I knew would cause me stress this week. I still have more work to do tonight, but I did enough so that I feel relatively calm coming into this week. I have my 7th/8th grade classes on two different tracks this week, which I did before and liked. My husband will be out of town again (he comes back late tonight and leaves early Tuesday morning), and I’ll be at the dojo a lot so my kids are going to be stepping up quite a bit. I’m so grateful that they are older now and able to be home alone for significant stretches.
And now for some pictures of Joshua Tree, because it really is hard to describe how awesome it is with words. It’s a magical place and I definitely want to go again.
We drove to the park from Palm Springs on Tuesday morning stopped along the way at various spots to walk and hike because our camp group was 30+ minutes away and we didn’t want to drive back to the spots that were closest to the entrance (and farthest from our camping spot).
Hidden Valley
This spot was maybe my favorite. It’s a small valley with rock hills all around. It felt like an enclosed movie set, at no point could you see any of the rest of the park. It was only about a two mile hike but I loved it. Evidently in the past cowboys would hide stolen cattle in this valley while they rebranded them to sell them again.
Sunset walk to Skull Rock
We camped at Jumbo Rocks and it was a great spot. I would highly recommend it. Lots of cute camping parcels and so many fun things to explore. The only big “exhibit” nearby was Skull rock, and people had to park on the road to see it, so no one was just randomly walking through our camping area.
After sunset we took a walk to Skull Rock to check it out. We really enjoyed watching the sky turn different colors as the sun sank behind the horizon. It was a great way to end our first day.
We thought this rock looked like naked butt cheeks. Weirdly there is no sign for Butt Cheeks Rock.Skull rock. It’s not just a clever name.
Hike up Mt. Ryan
We left early Wednesday morning to hike up Mt. Ryan because it was quite a climb and the high was supposed to be 85*. We were on the trail by 9am, which felt like a real win. (The sun shining right through our tent door at 7am definitely helped us get out early).
The hike up Mt. Ryan was 1.7 miles one way, with a 1200 ft elevation gain. The views from the top were stunning; you could see so far in every direction. There were mountain tops with snow beyond the Joshua Tree Valley. It was absolutely worth the walk.
After our big morning hike, we had lunch at the camp site. Then we drove into 29 Palms to get firewood and fill up two of the water bags, just in case. We went to the Visitor Center and got a couple of mementos, including a patch for my Gi and a magnet. We charged a car up a little too, because why not? It was nice to kill the hottest hours of the day inside.
Heart Rock and the Arch
In the afternoon we did a short hike to see two rock formations, the Heart and the Arch. The entire hike was around 1.5 miles, all flat. The area was really cool though, and we climbed around the rocks quite a bit there. (Somehow I didn’t get a photo of the Arch, and my husband has all the photos of us up under it on his phone, which is with him in the air right now. Boo.)
I really could not get enough of the vegetation in this desert. It was all so beautiful.
Night Skies
But maybe my favorite thing about camping in Joshua Tree was the night sky. Each night we saw the moon above the rocks by our camp site. And by the time we went to bed you could look up and see a million stars. But in the early morning, around 4am (when I had to leave the tent to pee) you could see the Milky Way. It was absolutely amazing.
Joshua Tree is definitely worth a visit. Camping there was easy and fun and I would definitely recommend it. It’s a must see spot, in my opinion.
We just started our Spring Break. I feel like we’re the last ones in the country taking it, and yet it still feels kind of early. When you end in mid-June, having your last break be in early April means a long final stretch of the school year.
I have to admit, I was not counting down the days until Spring Break like most of my colleagues were. That’s probably because my break will not be very restful. While I am looking forward to all our time in the desert, getting packed and then unpacked will be a lot. It’s just not going to be a very relaxing time.
I also have a ton of work to do. And, I have to prepare for my martial arts test.
Yes, you read that right. As of right now, I am planning on taking my belt test on April 20th.
I actually went back to the dojo a couple weeks ago, just to see how it felt. And it was nerve wracking. I learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t. It’s not kicking with my injured leg that is hard, what’s hard is when my injured leg is on the ground while I kick with the other leg. Twice I felt a little wobble in my knee and twice I stopped for that day. Neither time felt like a re-injury, not in the moment or afterward. I think moments where I experience a small wobble in my knee will be common moving forward. It’s going to take a long time for my ACL to stop feeling “loose” at times. Maybe that will never stop happening, or won’t for years.
I’ve been doing a ton of rehab on my knee and it, for the most part, feels strong. I do wall sits for two minutes twice a day and I do heel raises while I wall sit for about half of that time. When I pull my heel up just a fraction of an inch all the muscles around my knee engage. If I pull my heel up just slightly, or even just make like I’m going to pull my heel up, I can pivot gently on my leg with no issues. And this is how I think I’ll be able to take my test in two weeks.
And when I say “take my test” what I mean is participate in a version of my test that does not include take downs or sparring of any kind. At this point I can get through my forms and one steps because I know exactly what is coming and I know how to prepare my body to move in the safest possible way. I would not feel confident in my ability to move in ways that keep my knee safe if other people were involved even in the scripted movements of our take downs, and especially not in the unscripted movements of sparring. If I cannot abstain from those portions of the test, I will not participate.
I haven’t mentioned returning to martial arts because I know people will have FEELINGS and THOUGHTS and especially OPINIONS about it, and I have not been feeling up to managing everyone else’s thoughts and feelings about it, because I wanted to figure out my own. I did see my doctor on Thursday and she showed me the MRI images of my knee. I couldn’t really see the ACL sprain/partial tear or the fracture, but the crack in my cartilage was shocking and holy shit was the cyst huge. (And yet, when she went looking for the cyst with the sonogram machine she couldn’t find it. So maybe it’s gone down a lot? But it still painful for me to bend my knee all the way, and getting the cyst drained was supposed to help with that so it was disappointing that she couldn’t see it. I guess regaining flexion in my knee is going to be a long process, and I’m starting to do the very uncomfortable work of rehabing my knee in that way.)
My doctor did say I could return to the mat in a limited capacity. I did not mention that I returned before she gave me that okay. The reality is she is going to err on the side of caution always, because she is my doctor and even if liability were not an issue, she will never tell me I can do something that has the possibility of resulting in re-injury. And if it weren’t for this test, that I was already preparing for since early December, and that everyone in my cohort will be attending, I would stay off the mat for as long as she suggests, just like I’m still not running even though I miss it so much. But I have to consider my entire well being when I make my choices, and I think that if I keep doing the hard work of strengthening the muscles around my knee, and if I wear my brace at all times on the mat, and move in ways I’ve learned are safest, than I think I can participate in my test.
Is there a chance I’ll re-injure myself? Yes. But that chance exists every time I walk down my stairs or around my classroom or get out of my car (holy shit is that seemingly innocuous maneuver a minefield). That is why I wear my brace almost all the time, even though it’s a giant bummer to do so, especially six weeks later when my knee feels so much better.
Preparing for a test at this belt level is always hard, but it’s felt super overwhelming to jump back in after so many weeks off the mat. There is so much to know, and while I was on track to feel confident in most of the material back in February, taking four weeks off has left me feeling very behind. But that’s okay. When I’m on the mat, practicing my forms and one steps I have moments of feeling so happy. I really am getting to a place in my training where the stuff I thought would always feel awkward and hard are starting to feel natural. The thought of just walking away from all that now, and falling behind everyone else I’ve been working with, when there is a good chance I can test without issue, it’s just not something I’ve been able to embrace.
I totally understand if you think what I’m doing is a mistake. And if you feel compelled to communicate that to me, have at it. I’m writing this now because I feel confident in my choice. I know my body and what I’m capable of, on and off the mat. I also know that nothing is guaranteed. All I can do is be careful, listen to my body, and keep training when that feels possible. I believe my fear of re-injury is high enough to keep me from making irresponsible choices. And I think that will continue to be the case.
In the meantime, I’ll be out in the desert for a couple days. I’ll send some photos when I can.
Oopsie. I did not mean to be away from here for over a week. Things are just super hectic and I am buried under an avalanche of stuff. It’s truly coming from all sides: work, home, personal, etc. If I want to get it all done I have to be doing something necessary pretty much every moment.
But these are all commitments that I made and I’m trying to make sure my mindset reflects that. Few of these pressing matters are actually necessities. I am making these choices every day.
Which means I won’t be posting much for a while. Apologies. We leave for Joshua Tree on Monday morning and I expect to post before then.
I’m happy to report that I seem to be turning a corner lately. Actually, many corners.
My knee is the biggest and best corner I’m turning. It feels more stable and more comfortable. When I walk it straightens completely and doesn’t feel wonky when it’s fully extended. When I sit down with my legs in front of me it feels like it’s complete straight. It hasn’t felt weak or wobbly in over a week. It just suddenly feels more normal. Today I didn’t have my brace on (by accident) during my entire first block period (85 minutes) and I didn’t even notice!
All the crossed appendages that it keeps going on this trajectory.
My mood has also improved a lot. I was certain that was the case yesterday morning when I realized I had forgotten my backpack, right after I parked in the school parking lot. This would normally send me into a panic but instead I just laughed. Luckily my super old MacBook still booted up and it ran Chrome fine all day so I was okay. There was only one other thing I really needed in my backpack, and I figured out a way to get around that.
Things have also continued to be challenging in some classes, but I’m not crying on the way home anymore. Tuesday I had to erase “F*** Profe [my last name]” off some furniture and it only made me a little bummed out. Last week it would have sent me spiraling.
Some physical symptoms strongly suggest (confirm) the low mood was hormone related. I always feel equal parts relief and frustration when I realize my crazy moods are hormone related – it a relief that it’s not “my fault” (not due to a sudden lack of coping skills) and frustrating that something I have no control over can affect me so negatively for so long.
Things are even looking up at work! If I were writing this this morning I would have said I was totally underwater at work, with a 50lb brick tied to my ankle, but then I got today’s 1.5 hour professional development to myself (the other Spanish teacher went to the training for her other subject and no admin showed up in our room), and I used that time so wisely that I’m feeling a lot better about where I’m at. I made another significant tweak to the Free Reading program and now I think it just might be manageable. I let you know in mid-April.
Finally, my sleep has finally evened out. It’s not great, by any means, but I’ve been reliably falling asleep around 11-11:30 and falling back asleep quickly after my 3/4am wake up. I’m feeling better rested for sure.
And now I’m going to wrap up what I’m working on so I can get out of here and get home at a reasonable hour. I also need to make sure I’m not supposed to check in with anyone before I leave…
I have tried to write this post several times, but today has been A DAY. And I finally decided to just make the post about all the ways I felt today, instead of explaining them and then trying to grasp at some “bright spots” (which was going to be after the colon, before today happened).
Pretty darn good
This morning I was all like, writing a post some bright spots this past week will be easy because I inexplicably feel pretty darn good. And this despite the fact that I woke up at 3am last night and took forever to fall back asleep. I figured it really must be my hormones messing with me if my mood could change so much for no apparent reason.
Pretty darn bad
Then my morning classes happened, ending with 3rd period which has become my own personal nightmare class. There are several students in there making me crazy and today I explained some consequences that would go into affect on Monday and I assumed today they would be better but instead they were like, WELL THIS IS OUR LAST HURRAH and were all even worse than normal. I wanted to cry.
In pain (both mentally and physically)
After I had a little meltdown about 3rd period I decided to suck it up and get some work done. So I set up the floor pillows at the floor table I like to sit at and my knee hurt so bad and then my back hurt even worse and I felt kind of despondent because I miss sitting on the floor so badly. And what a dumb thing to miss but also, can I not even have this one thing I love so much! Sitting on the damn floor should not be taken away from me! And also my lower back pain has gotten successively worse because I can’t do any of the stretches that used to alleviate my pain and it compounds my frustration about my knee injury. At this point I did cry.
Resigned and exhausted
I got pretty much nothing done during my prep and lunch and went into my last two classes feeling resigned and exhausted. At least those groups didn’t do anything to crush my soul.
Incredulous
After work I made a series of unforced errors that led to prolonged “what the actual fuck are you thinking” face. First I didn’t grab an umbrella from work for my daughter even though I had two there and I knew she didn’t have one and needed one and even considered going home to get her one and EVEN GRABBED MY RAIN JACKET FROM WORK FOR HER. Then I stopped by the Petco on my way home to get cat and bearded dragon food even though the plan all week has been to go to a different Petco near the dojo while my son was at class. Then I dropped my daughter’s stuff off and was on my way home when I realized my son was supposed to be AT THE DOJO at 5pm, not being picked up from school to go to the dojo at 5pm. Luckily I was able to bribe him to change in the car so he was only five minutes late.
Each of those mistakes was so aoidable and yet I just started making them and kept on making them the whole way home. What is wrong with my brain these days?!
Grateful
And one for good luck (because I forgot to post this hours ago – of course!)
I just picked up my daughter from her Black and White dance, where she looked beautiful and felt loved and had a ton of fun. She has so many good friends and has had such a positive middle school experience. I kind of can’t believe how different these years have been for her. I am so grateful that she’s having such a positive experience. I recognize how rare that can be for an adolescent girl. I don’t take it for granted. I’m very grateful.
My thoughts are a jumble lately. Welcome to hard-to-follow train of thought…
My crappy mood continues. I’ve even had some tearful outbursts! Those led me to believe it’s probably hormone related. Once you’re in perimenopause it’s so much harder to identify when hormones are messing with you.
I felt briefly like maybe I was a little caught up at work? And then I started working on known tasks and very quickly more tasks made themselves known and by the end of the school day I felt very much underwater again.
The weather has been beautiful lately. I miss running outside so much. Between the fractured tibia and partially torn ACL I think it’s going to be a loooong time before I’m cleared to run again. It makes me really sad. I can’t actually articulate how sad it makes me.
I had my first PT appointment today. We talked more than did actual physical therapy. He was very impressed with my muscle tone and function. He told me to continue what I’m already doing and added a couple more exercises. He showed me a model of a knee and pointed out each ligament that I injured. It helped me understand what I’m dealing with, which I appreciated. He also said a few things that reminded me what a long road I have ahead of me. My injuries could be a lot worse, and the fact that I’m not feeling any pain is so helpful, but I have a long way to go before I’m healed. It was sobering.
I’m struggling to keep the house tidy. It started to fraying at the edges the week I hurt my knee and then we all got norovirus. The week my husband was away it really started to unravel. At this point I’m using the time at night I used to spend tidying up doing my rehab exercises. It’s hard to make time for both. It really bums me out watching the clutter slowly accumulate all over the house again.
I’m getting a little teary eyed just writing that. I’ll be so devastated if the house goes back to the way it was.
This weekend my daughter has a swim meet so I’ll be getting up at 6am both days. On the one hand maybe not sleeping in will help me shake this DST sleep stupor. On the other hand I could really use the extra sleep. I’m just trying to accept it without judgement, but I’m also not looking toward the weekend as a respite.
It’s 11pm and I’m tired so I’m going to try to go to sleep. I really hope I can fall asleep easily tonight. I’m so tired, both emotionally and physically.
