Not a Wasted Word

Last night I had a dream. A work dream. An anxious work dream. Usually my anxious work dreams involve me lost on a large, unfamiliar campus, unable to find my way to my room. I know I’m late, and that my students are waiting for me, but I can’t for the life of me, figure out how to get to my room. I hate that dream, and I have it all the time.

Last night’s anxious work dream was different. At first it was all about how I couldn’t get my students to line up outside my classroom. No matter what I did, they would not line up to listen to my directions. I was getting increasingly more frustrated, so I walked out to where they were, and saw there were two giant pot holes in the asphalt, right where they were supposed to line up. One of them was massive, big enough for four or five kids to fall into, and deep enough that they wouldn’t be unable to climb out once they fell in. I was flabbergasted, and then despondent. These gaping holes were clearly safety hazards, and no one had done anything to protect my students from them! They weren’t marked or cordoned off or anything, they were just massive holes that any kid could fall into at any moment, and they were right where I was asking my kids to line up. As I was trying to figure out why no one was doing anything to protect my students from the holes, I woke up.

Well, that dream wasn’t hard to interpret.

I left a (probably inappropriately) long comment on SHU’s post today, letting her know that she was not alone in feeling overwhelmed by everything happening right now, especially the start of the school year. My whole family is on edge. No one is sleeping well. My kids are (understandably) nervous about starting school again after spending only 10 days in their classrooms last year (really since March of 2020). That anxiety is compounded by the fact that they are “returning” to completely new schools that they know nothing about, and that they will know nothing about until they first step foot on them this coming Monday. It’s a lot.

If I’m stressed out by a new classroom and a return to in person learning after meeting students on campus for only two days last year (also since March 2020), I can only imagine how they feel.

At this point I think we just need to jump in. Right now we’re standing at the edge of the cliff, wondering what the water will feel like, worrying about what creatures might be swimming in the depths, fearing that we might hit the water wrong. The longer we stand here the harder it will be to take the plunge. I’m thankful that school starts on Monday. I do think we’ll feel better after we jump in.

And hopefully, in real life, we’ll feel more prepared to avoid the safety hazards, even if it feels like they aren’t clearly marked, and no one is protecting us from them.

Today is officially my last day of summer. Tomorrow I am contractually obligated to be on campus, attending a full day of meetings.

To mark this day, which I can’t really believe is here, I want to use this post to point out all the ways the glass is half full right now.

• My kids and I are slated to start in person this fall. For all the anxiety I feel over all of us spending the day with others while Delta is circulating, I would be devastated to start the year in distance learning again. I think one of the reasons I’m so frustrated by starting the year under these circumstances is that we were NOT in school last year when community spread was so much less likely. If we had been learning in person last year, it would have been a lot easier to accept the increased risk presented by the delta variant.

• The sun has been poking through the fog almost daily, which very much buoys my mental health. The weather down by where I work has also been lovely – I forgot how important the weather down there is for my overall well being! And so far our air quality has only crept into the yellow despite the second-largest wildfire in California history raging up north. The same wind patterns that make SF a desolate fog bank all summer are at least keeping the smoke away. That won’t be the case when fires are raging in the fall.

• This morning was my last carpool trip to sailing camp! I am so happy not to be battling the bridge traffic any longer.

• My surfaces are still clear! I’ve actually been able to keep the clutter at bay. I’m trying to be very aware of the junk that encroaches on our living spaces and be proactive around transitions that facilitate that encroachment. After the car pulls into the garage I need to spend a good 10 minutes making sure everything gets where it ultimately needs to go, instead of languishing in the entry way, or on the stairs, or in the kitchen. Making sure my kids pick up their stuff at the end of the day is also paramount.

• My new classroom is almost entirely mine. Besides two giant standing table bars that maintenance needs to move out of my new room, and three pieces of furniture that the janitorial staff needs to move out of my old room, the moving of rooms is complete. Almost all my boxes are unpacked. Now I just need to organize stuff, which I rather like doing.

• {My old classroom, along with all the other modular classrooms on campus, are getting new carpeting which means ALL furniture is being removed and then replaced haphazardly. I am SO GLAD that is not happening in my new classroom, where most of the furniture is where I ultimately want it.}

• My husband ordered a new pillow that is recommended for people who snore. I really hope it helps with his snoring, but even if it just helps with his neck pain (it’s for people who sleep on their sides), I’ll be happy.

• The CBD drops I got (I use Care By Design’s 8:1 CDB/THC) are helping with my anxiety. Or better said, they are helping with the physical symptoms my brain interprets as anxiety (isn’t it crazy that most emotions we “feel” are really our brains’ interpretations of bodily sensations?!) It is so nice not to feel like I’m spiraling all the time.

• I am not going to my classroom today, on the last weekday where that is an option (and for the first time in 1.5 weeks!) Instead I’m spending the day with my son who is not in camp this week. We’re going to Stagecoach Greens, a little outdoor mini golf spot that I love. I’m excited to spend some one-on-one time with him before the school year starts.

• My principal sent me my schedule a little early (I asked if I had zero period, and she sent me my entire schedule in her response). I do NOT have zero period, which is probably for the best. I’m teaching four 7th and 8th grade Spanish classes, which is twice as much as I’ve ever taught (in person). I’m also teaching one 6th grade Spanish class on the wheel. I have 4th period prep, which is against lunch. It’s a solid schedule and I’m happy with it.

• Perhaps most importantly, with both kids at new schools that don’t start until 8:40 and 9:30am, I will not be participating in the mornings at home with my kids. I am SO HAPPY about this. Leaving early for work, before my kids wear me down with their morning whining and fighting, is truly the best case scenario. It means I’ll be solo more in the early evenings, but I’m fine with that.

• We don’t have anything planned this weekend, which is how I like it. I definitely need to get out of the house, but I like when that happens when and how I want it to. Saturday is Free Comic Book Day so we’ll probably head out to our favorite comic book store and snag a few titles.

• Monday my kids start school. They are both at new schools and while I know the fall will be an absolute shit show, I am so thankful they get to be in their classrooms. I really do think that is the most important thing (for my kids, in our specific situation).

What is making your glass seem half full these days?

More random, incoherent thoughts because that’s all I got:

I really appreciated OMDG’s post yesterday about Emily Oster’s newsletter. She is much better at articulating my feelings on a lot of this than I am.

I’m thinking a lot about my daughter and mask wearing. Everything I read says I should put her in a N-95 or a KN95 or a KF95 but she won’t even wear a surgical mask because she thinks it’s itchy. I just don’t see her keeping a quality mask on her face. Which means I have to find something that (a) she will wear (b) covers her face and does not fall down when she’s talking (c) offers a high level of protection. In the past I bought masks that were meant more to protect others; this is the first time I’ve felt we were wearing them to protect ourselves. It’s a whole different ballgame to be sure. I just ordered five of these. Hopefully they will bring me some peace of mind.

Ha! Peace of mind. There ain’t going to be any of that this fall. At this point I’m just hoping to minimize disruptions. I’m not going to let myself frame it as keeping my kids safe – because I know I can’t do that – instead I’m going to try to keep them from missing half the fall in their classrooms. Maybe that I can manage.

As I was cleaning the floors downstairs yesterday, I realized that if we’re spending $630 a month on child care I will definitely NOT be able to afford a house cleaner. This really bums me out; I was hoping to really put in the effort to keep the house neat, and then have someone else to come in and make it clean. I’m realizing that the effort required to keep it both neat AND clean is more than I’ll be able to manage long term. It’s only been one week since I finished cleaning up my house, and already the rooms I worked on at the beginning are bothering me. I think the effort required to keep things very clean is exponentially greater than the effort required to keep them meh. Meh is manageable, but neat and clean is a lot of work. I guess I’m going to have to go back to meh, and that’s okay, it’s just a bummer.

As I was feeling bummed about not getting a house cleaner (which I’ve never had before, to be clear) I remembered that in the past, at this point in the summer, I’d be knee deep in planning the Back-to-School BBQ. Knowing that I don’t have to do that this year, nor will I ever have to do that ever again, raised my spirits considerably. Maybe I can’t get someone to clean my house, but at least I don’t have to be on the PTA board anymore!

Speaking of the PTA, at my son’s new school there are Communications co-chairs. That means TWO PEOPLE are in charge of Communications for their PTA. We only ever had four people on our entire board – we never filled a chair position while I was there. Seeing that they had Communication co-chairs really blew me away. It’s a whole new world.

An email from my daughter’s new middle school explained that we are getting nothing from them before the school year starts. The kids get their schedule on the first day. The orientations will take place via Zoom some time during the first week. It’s totally nuts. I have no idea if this is how they’ve always done things or how they are doing it this year because of all the extenuating circumstances. It’s not what I was hoping for, but I’m trying to let it go. Hopefully she’ll show up on Monday and get her schedule with no problems. And then hopefully we’ll attend the zoom orientation and they will give us some information and we’ll feel better about everything. Hopefully.

We haven’t gotten anything from our son’s school. The Kindergarten and 1st graders get an orientation this week, where they get to meet their teachers and see their classrooms. The 2nd graders do not. I’m not sure how we’ll even learn which class he’s in. I REALLY hate not knowing what is going on. I HATE it. I keep reminding myself that knowing my son’s teacher’s name wouldn’t mean much since I don’t know anything about the teachers at this school, but still. It feels like no one knows what they are doing on even the normal things. How are they going to manage this crazy Delta variant?!

There are no adults in the room. Not in any room. It’s… so disheartening.

But my classroom is almost ready. And later this week I should get my schedule. Maybe I’ll feel better when I know what my year will look like.

Maybe.

Things that have happened in the past few days:

• SFUSD sent out a “Welcome to the New School Year” mailer with information about masking (indoor required, outdoor recommended as per CDPH guidelines), vaccinations (highly recommended for kids over 12), and returning to school after illness (can return after 24 hours of being fever free WITH a negative Covid test, or after 10 days without proof of negative result – at least 10 days of isolation after a positive Covid test). They were (IMHO) very cagey about ventilation safety, especially in the case of poor air quality (during fire season) requiring doors and windows to be closed.

• My school sent out something to parents, and my other school (that I no longer teach at, but that hasn’t removed me from the staff email list) sent out something to teachers, so I have some idea of the protocols we will be following (pretty much CDPH guidelines to a tee). We will be following the same protocols as above, and they also specified that social distancing is no longer required in any way.

• I found out last week that a colleague I’m friendly with is not vaccinated. They seem to think that masking is as effective as vaccination. I find this very disheartening, and now I’m wondering how many other staff members are not vaccinated. I hope our admin will communicate what percentage of staff and students are vaccinated before we start the school year. Our district is not requiring we be vaccinated, and neither is SFUSD. I found this editorial articulated my feelings on this better than I could.

• The staff room furniture will be moved out of my new classroom today – almost a full week after I requested it. I did clear out, and then clean thoroughly, the shelving in the room and got most of my boxes unpacked. This week I’ll work on setting up the rest of the room. Our first day of meetings is this Thursday. On Monday students come to tour campus and on Wednesday we start the school year!

• We have no childcare for our son this week but we’ve been able to divvy it up with the grandparents so that each of us only has to take one day off. My son will also come to my classroom with me for a day. My kids start school on Monday, August 16th.

• The cheaper aftercare option we were banking on informed us (on Friday at 4pm) that they will no longer be walking kids from our son’s school to the program. We are still welcome to utilize the program, but we need to arrange our own transportation. Since said transportation has to happen at 2:55pm every day, I highly doubt we can arrange it. This means we cannot actually use the program. The only other option is the after care that YMCA provides for $630 a month (which thankfully I enrolled in as a plan B). We are trying to find ways to cover one of the afternoons so we only have to pay for four days a week, but I’m not sure we can make it work. I’m incredibly frustrated by the amount of money we’ll be forced to pay for after care, but I also recognize how lucky we are to have secured a spot. Evidently the YMCA usually offers 12,000 aftercare spots throughout the city, but are only able to provide 4,000 this year because of staffing shortages. Other programs are offering similarly decreased coverage, resulting in a city-wide child care crisis. So yes, I’m incredibly frustrated by the amount of money I’m about to spend on what amounts to essentially 10 hours or coverage a week, but I’m also very thankful to have that coverage.

• My son just finished his sixth week of martial arts camp (he attended two three-week sessions) and he really flourished there. He’s decided to try for his Junior Black Belt, which he would need to earn before he turns ten (in October of 2023). Trying for his black belt would require a level of commitment he has not shown previously, and I’m curious to see where this goes. I’m very proud of everything he has accomplished and excited by the development of his first long term goal. We’ll see where he ends up.

• On a related note, my son tested for his second stripe on his blue belt on Saturday morning and I got to stay home for the whole thing. I have to say, I very much prefer belt tests over zoom than in person. It may be the only thing I would absolutely choose to “attend” over zoom, rather than in person.

• We started getting the New York Times in print on the weekends. My daughter, and our cat, are pleased with this development.

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• This article in New York Magazine articulates a lot of the confusion I’ve been feeling about our numbers in the US, and especially in San Francisco, where our incredibly high vaccination rate is not stemming our spike in case numbers or hospitalizations. It’s a brutal read, but I appreciate seeing that my questions are not crazy, and are being asked by people who understand what is happening a lot better than I do.

• The anxiety I have been feeling has turned into dread. I’m trying hard to just breath through it, and to remind myself that there is only so much I can control. Obsessing over all the possible outcomes does not serve me unless I am actually taking concrete steps to prepare for those outcomes. If I can’t do that, I need to let it go. If I don’t, I’ll go crazy. But interestingly, I think in letting go, I make space for the dread. It’s like where the energy of anxiety used to be I just feel… hopeless and sad. I think I just need school to start, so I can distract myself with the busyness of everything.

Happy Monday. I hope we can all keep the dread away this week.

I’m still trying to figure out our new normal. It feels like all the adults have left the room, and they’re just throwing us bits and pieces of information that we need to interpret ourselves, instead of providing actual guidance. It’s disheartening. And frustrating.

I’m so curious to see what the messaging is from school – any school! – about all of this. It would be one thing if we had been back full time in the spring, like so many students and teachers were at the end of last year, but we weren’t. So now we’re going back full time, at full capacity, when students are way more likely to get sick, and I’m just dying to hear how they are framing it. So far, 1.5 weeks before SFUSD starts and two weeks before my district starts and it’s crickets.

So far the few sparse communications I’ve received (one as a staff member from our new superintendent and one from my daughter’s middle school) have doubled down on the promise to return full time in person (yay!) and reiterated the importance of students being back in school (also yay!). There has been NO MENTION of Delta or how much harder it will be to stifle the spread of this virus, even with mandatory masking. I’m so curious to hear what protocols will be used when a student tests positive, if entire classes will be put into quarantine or if they will just treat it as any other illness, with only the student staying home sick. Will the protocol be different if the student is vaccinated (at the middle school level all students in the 7th and 8th grade should be eligible (age wise) for vaccination). Inquiring minds want to know! And admins don’t want to open cans of worms before it’s absolutely necessary.

{My friend who is a teacher in a super small, but affluent district in the East Bay, said there would be no Covid-19 protocols except mask wearing at her school. No social distancing, no testing, and no quarantining of kids who were in direct contact with a student who tests positive. It’s basically business as usually but with masks on.}

I seem to be way more stressed out about everything than my friends are, and I’m realizing that moving forward, the pod we’ve been participating in might leave us behind to socialize in ways we no longer feel comfortable with. I don’t see us allowing indoor play dates or sleep overs once school starts (besides the 10 days at the KOA, we never actually did this), but I think I’m the only one who won’t be allowing that kind of socializing in our pandemic pod of four. The other families assume it’s only a matter of time before their kids get Covid and aren’t really interested in taking certain steps to stop that from happening anymore. It’s not like they have no boundaries, their boundaries are just different than ours are now, which means we won’t be able to participate in the pod anymore. At least not like we used to. That makes me really sad, but I don’t see myself being comfortable with my daughter being inside without a mask when her friends are going to different schools and mingling with dozens of different students. There is already so much risk of her getting sick from her own school, and at the very least I want to avoid the major disruption that a positive Covid test would mean for all of us.

I can’t believe this is happening – that after 17 months we’re being left behind by our pandemic pod because this thing is still not over, and our risk aversion no longer matches our peers. It’s surreal. And depressing. But there is nothing we can do but make the choices we feel comfortable with, and host in ways we feel comfortable with when that is possible.

At least the craziness of the current situation will help me not over-schedule. My son is signed up for soccer (outside) at his new school and will continue with Martial Arts (inside) and that already feels like WAY too much. I would pull him from MA for a while, but he’s been in the camp all summer and is now highly motivated to continue with a group of kids who are trying for their junior black belts. Since he’s relatively old (only has two more years before he’s in the “teen class” (at only 10! Why?!) pulling him for even six months would ruin his chances. So I don’t want to take that possibility from him, at least not while he’s so self-motivated. This is the first time a goal has been his idea, and I’m not ready to snatch that away. But with just those two activities he has three commitments a week! Luckily my daughter doesn’t want ANY commitments right now, she’s stressed enough about the start of middle school, and I am happy to oblige her until she’s vaccinated.

My mom came to school on Tuesday and helped me move my stuff to my new room. With her taking an extra wagon-full every time I made the trip we finished the vast majority of the move in one day. I couldn’t believe it. She saved me so much time! Unfortunately I can’t do too much with that extra time because the staff room is still, well a staff room full of staff room stuff. Yesterday I moved the rest of my junk and spent a fair amount of time just trying to figure out how to best configure the room. Today I plan to move enough staff room stuff around so that I can set up my desk (which I really struggled to place in the space – it’s weirdly configured for a classroom, because it wasn’t meant to be for teaching!)

There is so much I can’t control right now, so much I can’t even plan for yet. It makes things like my classroom, where I can tangibly control a small piece of my environment, feel that much more important.

Two weeks until students set foot on campus. Let the countdown begin.

This weekend I got my daughter’s room organized. I saved the worst for last, which in this case I think was the right move because by the time I started in her room I had a lot of practice in just dumping the stuff that doesn’t serve us. In fact, when my husband and daughter came in to help, they just slowed me down. Significantly. But in the end we did get it done! It’s such a weight off to have her room neat and organized.

Before

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After

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Yesterday I did get my own clothes sorted, and with that, the house is, officially, finished! There are still some spots I could focus on – I’m looking at you entry way closet and garage! – but the vast majority of the house has gotten at least a once over. I really can’t tell you how much better it feels to be here, and how happy I am that it got done. It feels like having a clean slate to start the new school year, which holds so many unknowns. Knowing the house is in good shape before we walk into the shit storm helps, it really does.

I read recently that anxiety is energy and if it’s channeled effectively it can be a force for good. This past week was absolutely an example of that for me. I tried so hard to just sit down and chill out, but I couldn’t. On Friday I tried to watch some TV, but I kept picking up my phone and doom scrolling through the same headlines and articles until I finally threw it across the couch. I just couldn’t sit there and watch TV. But once I pulled out all the plastic drawers in our kitchen and dumped their contents onto the floor to purge and sort, I could have something dumb on in the background. It felt like I was watching something, but I was also tackling a pain point. I’m sure I would benefit from some actual relaxation right now, before everything gets crazy, but if my anxiety won’t allow it then getting an organized, clutter-free house as a result is not the worst thing.

Today is my first day in my new classroom and I’m so eager to get started on it. I think the time I’ve spent on my house will help me unpack my classroom; I’m much more ruthless in determining what I actually need to keep. I want the time to make intentional decisions and I can do that if I have an adequate time, so I’m starting early and I’ll be going often. Our first official staff day – aka our first day of way-too-many meetings – is next Thursday. We’ll see what I can get done before then.

{I cannot figure out how to get the Daniel Craig SNL gif (referenced in the title) into this post so I’ll just link to it here. Boo.}

I went into the this weekend with lowered expectations, and I was pleasantly surprised!

Friday started rough. The news cycle about the super spreader event in Massachusetts, where tons of vaccinated people passed the virus on to other vaccinated people, really bummed me out. My anxiety spiked so high that I went out and got more CBD drops to help manage it. I have been taking CBD for a while, but when I ran out at the beginning of the summer I wasn’t in a big hurry to restock. On Friday morning, that apathy dissipated and I bought myself a new bottle. Three days later, I do think it’s helping.

Another thing that that helped was getting an email with the news that the basketball camp at my school ended last week so the migration of staff room stuff to the new space can begin soon. I’m going down tomorrow to help get everything from the old staff room to the new staff room, and then I can start bringing my stuff over. I am SO RELIEVED to have a timeline on moving my classroom.

The rest of Friday went well. I gave myself more than enough time to go to IKEA and run on Treasure Island, which means I had just enough time to do both (I’ve learned to add 30+ minutes to my estimation of how long something will take, which means I left for the East Bay a full hour before I thought I really needed to and that gave me exactly the time I needed. Living with ADHD strategies for the win!)

The sun was out on that side of the bay and it was so nice to be out running in it. But as I ran, I could see that my side of the city was mired in fog, and I realized that maybe people in less foggy parts of the city were having a completely different summer than I was, frustrated and bummed out in my fog bank. I feel like there is some deeper metaphor available here, about remembering that the fog might not cover the whole world like you think it does when you’re in it… but I’m too tired on Monday morning to come up with it.

Saturday morning started with breakfast in the backyard and Sunday evening ended with dinner there too, which I really think helped make the weekend bearable. The sunshine we got DEFINITELY helped. My kids were insistent on staying home all weekend. They’ve been so busy for the past month and they really wanted a full 48 hours to decompress. I am usually loathe to indulge this impulse because it almost always ends badly, but I did recognize how much they’ve been doing and I promised them they could stay home. And they did! We made them spend 2-3 hours in the backyard each day which I think was the key to making it work. In the past (this would have been pre-pandemic) when they asked for a weekend at home we didn’t utilize the backyard because it was an apocalyptic nightmare that gave me panic attacks at mere glance. Now that we’ve excavated the usable space, and have 16 months of practice being out there, it makes a “stay home all weekend” really doable. And again, I can’t stress how helpful the sunshine was each of these days. We didn’t get sunshine in our backyard all week, so two days of it was very much appreciated.

Saturday night I got to escape our self-imposed stay-at-home order to see my good friend who was in town unexpectedly (she was supposed to be at her parents’ cabin but ended up at her parents’ house). It was so nice to see her, and her kids, again after such a long hiatus. It also kept me from going crazy at home all weekend – I think I need to plan an escape for myself when my kids want to lounge around for two straight days.

I also got some stuff done, and I will write more about that tomorrow, because my husband was kind enough to move his work stuff upstairs today so I can go through my clothes downstairs, and he probably would be a little frustrated if I spent an hour writing a blog post.

It’s nice to know that, with a little sunshine, our kids can make it through 48 hours at home. I know we did this for weeks at a time at the start of the pandemic, but we relied a lot more heavily on screen time then. Now they can read, and play, and listen to podcasts, and do art projects to pass more of the time. I’ll definitely be more inclined to let them stay home like this in the future.

Oh, and the icing on the cake this weekend was that Sunday my rug came! I was not expecting that, so it was a very pleasant surprise. And I love it just as much as I was hoping to. It really does bring the room together.

How was your weekend?

I’m surprised how happy I am that it’s Friday today, but honestly I’m tired of the camp drop off and pick up routine. And I want a drink! I only drink on the weekends, which I think has helped make the weekends feel special during the pandemic.

And it definitely feels like we’re back in the pandemic again. I’m not really going to go into it, but it does feel like we’re basically back where we were before being vaccinated. I was never terrified of getting Covid myself – I was mostly worried about giving it to my kids – and now I’m right back in a place where I need to worry about that again. (But I don’t need to worry about my parents – which is a huge weight that remains lifted.) I’m coming to terms with it. I didn’t expect the fall to look or feel like this, but as long as we are in person I will be fine, or I will figure out how to be fine. I just need my kids and I to be back in our classrooms, and I’m going to consider that the most important win and cling to it.

I got some good stuff done yesterday. I went through my son’s room. I didn’t go through everything – I didn’t touch his book case and he has WAY too many books – but I did go through his toys and his desk and it’s very noticeable. I actually cull his toys somewhat frequently, but this was the first time I dumped them all on the floor and pulled a fair amount to give away and reorganized everything that stayed. He definitely still has WAY more than he needs but it’s a big improvement.

I didn’t get to my own clothes because my husband “bit off more than he could chew” with a new recipe and I never had time to get downstairs before kid bedtime. (He works downstairs during the day so it didn’t feel like a good time then either.) I told him I would find the time to get it done this weekend. It’s actually going to be a nice interlude (I’ll be downstairs and alone!) during a weekend where we’ve promised our kids they can just stay home (they always think they want to do this, and it always ends badly, but sometimes we just have to let them have what they think they want).

I did return the bras that I knew wouldn’t fit great. And I didn’t order them in another size! My rug never came (it’s in New Mexica! Waahhh!) and I’m doubting it will make it today, but a girl can dream. I really, REALLY hope this rug transforms my living room, where I have some nice teal accents on each wall that no one really notices because the super bright primary colors of the kid play mat on the ground are the only thing anyone can look at. I’m hoping the rug brings together all the other pieces and makes the room pop. I really wanted to paint that room (it’s next to the one I did paint so its shabby paint job is painfully apparent), but I never did so I’m hoping the rug will make it feel different. We spend a lot of time in that room and I’m REALLY tired of the play mat (my hope is this rug will go OVER the play mat, which is as physically comfortable as it is visually distracting).

I’m also hitting up IKEA to get a side table for the downstairs unit and some storage stuff for my closet. I’m on carpool duty for my daughter’s camp today so I already have to brave half the bridge traffic (it’s a sailing camp on Treasure Island which sits in the middle of the Bay Bridge), so I’m going to suck it up and attempt to make it all the way across. Then I’ll run on Treasure Island before I pick them up. It’s been miserably windy and foggy all week (at least where I live in the city) – I hope today we get a little bit of sun while I’m on my run. I’ve found that I am really negatively affected by the fog. After a straight week of it I just start to get really bummed out.

As I said before, we have no plans for the weekend. I need some ideas for Sunday when they start going crazy. I might bring them down to my school to start moving stuff out of my new classroom. They could ride their bikes on campus and play at the playground while I move stuff. I never heard back from anyone about that though so I’m not sure if I’d be stepping on anyone’s toes by doing that. I’m pretty sure the secretary and administrators start working again August 2nd. I should probably wait until then to get started, but the wait is truly driving me crazy.

Oh and I found some Clear Masks that I like. I haven’t ordered them yet because I can’t decide if I should pay an extra $20 (for 24 masks) for “medical grade” instead of “consumer” grade. The medical grade ones are $87 for 24 and the consumer grade are $64 for 24 so it’s not nothing. My husband says I should just get the better ones to feel safer – maybe once I read the data that spurred the recent mask-guideline-reversal by the CDC (I believe it’s coming out today) I won’t think twice about spending the extra money. (UPDATE: I just read a couple articles and yes I’ll be buying the medical grade masks).

I know this is a boring, “what I’m up to” post but it’s all I got in me right now. I still have so much anxiety about the upcoming school year, and while getting my house in order will absolutely be appreciated by my future self, right now it’s not making me calmer. I need to start tackling the issues that are causing the anxiety (::cough:: my classroom ::cough::) to start feeling better. I am writing notes about how I want to start the school year, which helps.

Honestly, I think I’m just a week ahead of everyone in obsessing about the start of school and I’m hoping that next week I’ll start getting emails from my school at least about first steps toward the fall. (Our first staff day is August 12, so I expect an email from work sometime next week.) I would also really appreciate communication from either of my kids’ schools, but I understand that it’s still early for that. Not everyone is as neurotic as I am – I’m sure a lot of people (teachers, parents and students!) do NOT want to be thinking about school starting yet. I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Maybe tonight when I get to have that drink!

What are you looking forward to this weekend?

Thank you all for your comments on Tuesday’s post. It was very validating to hear that others felt similarly, and that I am not alone. It was also good to just write out that post, and realize where my head is at, and why. Putting words to my anxiety really helped to contain it. I know now why I’ve been having such a hard time, and that is also a relief. I also know now there are some steps I can take to gain peace of mind, and there are some unknowns I will have to accept in order to move on. Everything feels more manageable now.

I confirmed earlier this week that my new classroom is no where near ready for me to start moving in. I emailed someone yesterday to see if I can help get the ball rolling, but I haven’t heard back yet. I keep telling myself that I will get it done, eventually. I’ll probably have to spend an entire weekend there, before school starts, but it will get done. And if my room doesn’t look the way I want it to when school starts, that will be okay too. If I can let go of my expectations and remember that perfection can be the enemy of the good, I should be okay.

Instead of moving into my new classroom, I’m focusing on my own home. This is hard because the easy stuff is done, and only the hard stuff (that I hate!) remains. I keep telling myself that one way I can take care of myself it to make my home a refuge from all the uncertainty outside it. I can make each room clean, quiet and welcoming. I can remove the clutter so that, at least in my own house, things feel calm and I feel in control. Knowing I want to achieve that for myself helps me stay motivated.

I did remove most of the clutter. I’ve also gone through most of the bag of that clutter. Yesterday I cleaned the floors. What I have not tackled yet is my own clothes (I really need to go through them all and get rid of stuff that no longer serves me), or my kids’ rooms. These are each big tasks. But the floors were a big task too and I got those done today. Today a new rug is supposed to come, a rug I’m excited about. I told myself I couldn’t take it out of the packaging until the floors were clean, and yesterday I cleaned the floors.

I realized while I was cleaning yesterday that I really hate it, especially cleaning the floors. I know no one loves to clean, but I really dislike it. Tidying up is gratifying at least – at the end things are more orderly. Sweeping is highly satisfying and if I notice I need to dust (it generally has to get pretty obvious for me to notice) then I’m pleased with the result. But cleaning my floors just does not deliver the ROI I require to actually get it done. I tend to spot clean the obvious blemishes on the floor, and I guess I’ve trained myself to ignore how dingy they must look after a while, because cleaning them (at least any floor that is not my kitchen floor – which requires a good steam cleaning at least once a month) just does nothing for me. I don’t feel satisfied afterward at all. If I can avoid the YMCA’s $630/mo aftercare program I think I’ll invest in a house cleaner. I really do think it’s time.

It’s been really hard to keep up the work on my house. I am getting rid of a lot – more than I expected – but it’s still slow going and everything I organize just reminds me of how much more I still need to tackle. My kids’ rooms are crazy, but I also think now would be a REALLY good time to go over them; after the last year and a half of being stuck at home we are acutely aware of what we use and what we don’t.

When I was packing my classroom in June I put the movie Wet Hot American Summer on the TV. One of my very favorite scenes came on, and I took a crude video of it with my phone. I’ve come back to it over and over this summer, because sometimes you really appreciate seeing someone act out how you feel.

When I was packing up my classroom I felt like both Paul Rudd and Janeane Garofalo. Internally I was having the tantrum, and simultaneously standing there incredulous, telling myself to just get it done. As the summer wears on, I feel myself converting to Paul Rudd completely – Janeane Garofalo is almost gone. But I need her back. I need someone to stand there next to my tantrumy self and tell her to just do it already.

Just get it done.

Today I plan to purge in my son’s room and sort through my own clothes. I think my clothes will be really satisfying to go through – most of my drawers have become unmanageable since the pandemic. I also want to clean out my closet and better use the floor space for storage. This is the first built in closet I’ve ever had as an adult and I’m always a little stunned at how much space is just sitting down there, unused. If you have any organizational tips for the bottom of a closet (a closet with only one rung so the floor space is very available) please share. I’m thinking of using the space for seasonal stuff I don’t need to access much – right now that stuff lives in my daughter’s closet and I’m tired of going back and forth, and only being able to access things when she is awake.

Do you ever feel like Paul Rudd in that clip? Or are you more like Janeane Garofalo?

So I realized something yesterday: I am really, really, REALLY anxious about the fall. Like I am overwhelmed by my anxiety about it. My desire to exert some control over a seemingly never ending parade of unknowns absolutely fueled my willingness to FINALLY get my house in order. It’s pushing me into my classroom three weeks before we start school. It’s compelling me to read every article published about the hyper-transmissible delta variant and its affects on children, and the possibility of breakthrough cases. It’s urging me to buy ALL THE MASKS that are on sale now, along with other back-to-school supplies we don’t need yet. It’s just there, driving basically every thought and action. I’m drowning in it.

The fact that I didn’t recognize that I was drawing from a deep well of anxiety about the fall in basically everything I was doing is… dispiriting. I’m going to need to be more aware, and honest with myself if I’m going to get through the next six months.

It’s understandable that I’m anxious about the school year. There are a lot of unknowns. My kids are starting at new schools where we aren’t familiar with the staffs or campuses or communities. That alone is a massive anxiety trigger for me – I’ve been at the same school for 18 years and my daughter was at her elementary school for six, and I was a really active parent there. Now both kids are going to schools that we don’t know anything about, and they are starting in a year where nothing is familiar to even the long time members of the community. Oh, and there is also a hyper transmissible virus lurking every where.

I’ve been teaching for almost two decades and I have no idea what next year will look like and it’s terrifying to me. I haven’t taught in my classroom since March 13, 2020. I don’t know what it’s like to try to make myself intelligible to 30+ students with a mask on. I don’t know how to teach Spanish with half my face covered, when it’s well accepted that seeing a speaker’s mouth is essential to language learning. I didn’t get to practice in person learning last spring when most of my colleagues did. I don’t know what I’m doing. It feels like I’m at the top of a hill in a go cart that’s glued together and someone’s about to push me down. It seems inevitable that I’m going to crash and burn.

My daughter is home sick again today, which is a reminder that they will probably both be home sick, on and off, all fall and into the winter. My husband has a lot more flexibility to stay home, but he is supposed to return to the office 2-3 days of the week starting in mid-September. How are we going to manage all these sick days? Our district never has enough subs in a normal year, they are sure to be very short next year when absences will be more common. How am I going to manage that?

I thought the fall was going to be better. I thought it was going to be easier. I thought we were coming out of the hard. But I’m realizing now that we’re not. The fall is going to be HARD. Really hard. Maybe even harder. I do think it will be better – ultimately I think my kids and I will be better off in our classrooms, despite all the complications being there will inevitably create – but I’m realizing that better doesn’t also mean easier. I thought things would be better BECAUSE they were easier, but I’m realizing they will be better DESPITE being harder. And I’m so tapped out from the past year and a half that I have no reserves to draw on. The summer has helped tremendously, but it’s can’t provide an endless wellspring to draw from. So I’m about to go into some more hard, when I’ve already been through a lot of hard. And I’m not sure how to do that.

And I will admit, I’m also not sure how to reconcile the apparent 180* we’re in the midst of maneuvering with respect to our risk tolerance around our kids getting Covid. We kept them so sheltered during the pandemic, only allowing them to socialize with a small, select group outside with masks on. And now, when they are three times more susceptible to getting sick, we’re fine with them sitting in classrooms with 20+ other kids we know nothing about. It’s like my brain short circuits when I think about it. It simply does not compute. I am especially confused by my husband’s attitude about it. He has been my touchstone on all this for the past year and a half, and now I don’t recognize his attitude at all. I can’t figure out where his head is at about any of it, and it’s incredibly disorienting, and it’s making all the uncertainty even harder. My touchstone is gone and I feel lost and alone.

I feel like I wasn’t that concerned about my kids getting Covid, but I had to foster a certain fear of it to make all the restrictions seem reasonable, and now I’m just supposed to jettison that fear because the benefits of in person learning outweigh (for my kids at least) the risks of the virus. And I do believe the trade off is worthwhile (again for my family, in our specific situation), but now that I’ve fostered this fear, and made all the restrictions seem reasonable, and I’m not sure how to dampen feelings of panic that all this exposure at school inspires.

So that is where I’m at. It’s actually a relief to recognize that all these seemingly disparate freakouts where just offshoots of the same plant of school-starting-panic. The roots of this plant grow strong, and deep and I’m sure I cannot rid myself of them completely. At this point I think I just need to trim the offshoots, keep the overgrowth manageable until later in the year, when I’ve gotten my bearings enough to do the hard work of digging it out. Hopefully by then the roots will be weaker and have less of a hold on me. In the meantime I need to give myself a lot of grace in the weeks leading up to the start of school. I’m going to stop reading the news. I’m going to stop working after 10pm. I’m going to run when the sun is out. I’m going to watch movies with my kids. I know I can get through this – one day at a time. I know I can find the light on the other side.