Not a Wasted Word

It took me 20 years to realize that, starting in 2000, I could add the first two digits of the year, and the second two digits of the year, to remember out how old I was.

I wonder if everyone else born in 1980 figured that out a lot sooner than I did.

Regardless, today I am officially 40. So, yay?

So far the only thing that feels different is how aware I am of my (sudden onset?! – I swear this just happened) farsightedness. Ever since I started wearing my glasses again (I got a new pair recently), I’m increasingly frustrated that I can’t see my phone well at the distance I’m used to holding it. I am constantly pushing it back about a foot farther than feels normal so I can read it. I guess it’s time to get reading glasses. Boo.

{I recently enlarged the font on my phone and holy smokes is it amazing. Sure it looks like an old lady’s phone but at least I can read it!}

Otherwise, turning 40 is like any other birthday, except of course that there is a pandemic and I can’t do anything to celebrate. The only things on the docket today are listening to governor Newsom’s press conference before attending a union meeting about going back to the classroom in the fall.

I’m sure I’ll eat a cupcake (and have a drink) at some point too.

SFUSD just announced their recommended “return to school” plan to the board and it will be distance learning for at least the first two months.

My school district is still planning to return to the classroom in the fall, despite the fact that community spread is worse, and the death rate is higher, in San Mateo County, than in San Francisco (which is weirdly a city AND county).

This means I am eligible to take Families First Coronavirus Relief Act leave up to 12 weeks at 2/3rd my pay.

So why in the world wouldn’t I do that?

Well, as is always the case with taking leave from one’s job, it’s complicated.

I am very reticent to take off entirely for any length of time, so I highly doubt I will do that. If I’m not working, my students will not be getting Spanish at all (there is no way they will hire a sub) and if it’s find for students not to learn Spanish for a couple months, it should be fine indefinitely, right? As an elective teacher at the middle school level, I need to take into account the long term stability of my position. I’m tenured and have seniority, but I am not guaranteed my position (teaching Spanish at my school), only a position at my current FTE that can be taught with my credential (which is why I keep my multiple subject credential valid – so they can’t just get rid of Spanish and let me go because I can’t teach anything else). If I want to protect my position, I should definitely be teaching Spanish remotely.

That doesn’t mean I can’t request FFCRA leave at all. I believe I can request it for part time coverage of my job. If I use FFCRA leave to not work the four mornings a week we are currently required to be at school, that would be ideal.

It’s still a hard choice though. If I don’t come into work in the mornings, my school is down one teacher, and every teacher is incredibly important when you’re trying to keep the number of students in each group down. While I don’t appreciate that the parents, board, and superintendent, want us back in the classroom, it’s not my principal’s fault and she is ultimately the one who has to make it work at our site. I don’t like the idea of letting her down.

At the same time, I believe the ROI of middle school students getting just six hours of classroom time a week is not worth the risks we are taking to provide it. I understand taking risks to get elementary students into the classroom 12 hours a week (an A group would come every morning for three hours and a B group would come every afternoon for three hours, four times a week); that ROI makes sense to me. Bringing two separate groups of 350 middle schoolers on campus just two times a week (on an A/B schedule) for just six hours of non-content-specific instruction, does not seem like a smart use of human capital or resources. So in that sense, I don’t feel so bad about requesting the leave, because I don’t think what we’re accomplishing in the classroom – at the middle school level – is worth the risks and use of resources at all.

This may all be a mute point anyway, because evidently employers can reject requests to use FFCRA leave when it is requested for childcare. If my district CAN reject my request, it most certainly will. The have been rejecting requests for leave that are written into our own contract for years and they always have some reason they feel is legitimate (usually a lack of funding). I’m sure they can find a reason now, during a pandemic.

If I can request the part time leave, I will consult with my union and probably do it. If the district wants to refuse it they can, but I want them to be very aware that they are telling me: no, you cannot stay home and care for your children, you have to be here, risking your health and safety to appease the parents of this community.

I know things could still change, and with community spread in San Mateo County on the rise maybe they will. There are still five weeks until students in my district are supposed to return to the classroom, and if this pandemic has taught me anything it’s that A LOT can change in five weeks. I’m going to plan for going back to the classroom while my kids learn at home, because that is what I’m being told will happen. And honestly, even if I get to stay home, I will be required to teach a lot more via “live” zoom meetings, while pushing less asynchronous work, which means I’ll have way less flexibility to help my kids during their school hours than I did in the spring. I will need a lot more support to make this work in either scenario.

No matter where I’m teaching in the fall, it’s going to be really difficult. At least I can be sure of that…

It’s not easy asking a small group of 10-year-old girls to spend four hours, multiple days a week, in a desolate backyard with only a dilapidated picnic table to sit on. It’s been a challenge to find things for them to do.

Today, I brought out a bunch of cardboard and styrofoam that I had been saving from the packaging of various pieces of furniture that have been delivered in the past three months and let them have at it. They had tape, scissors, some air dry clay, and some washable paint, along with other random art supplies and it held their attention for a good two hours.

Unfortunately the wind that San Franciscans are so used to in the summer picked up again this week (after a fairly warm and windless five days last week), and it wreaked havoc on their supplies.

Still, it was a fun project while it lasted. Half the cardboard went out with the recycling last night and the other half was saved for another day in the backyard.

*The Future is Cardboard is the title of Episode 14 of Season 1 of Craig of the Creek – one of my favorite kids’ cartoons to come out in the last decade. So, so good.

We did nothing this weekend, and it was actually kind of nice.

With our weeks feeling busier, especially for my son who is kind of struggling to make it through seven hours of organized activities (drop off is by 9:15 and pick up isn’t until 4:30), we no longer push outside time on the weekend. My kids never even got dressed on Sunday.

It’s what they want so we’re giving it to them. They are only on screens an hour a day during the week so we don’t mind them playing Minecraft for two hours in the mornings and then watching a movie on Saturday night (or TV on Sunday).

It’s nice to feel like the weekends are a little different from the weekdays. It’s nice to have nothing planned, and since I’m doing so much Monday through Friday, sitting around all day doesn’t fill me with dread like it used to.

Here were a few things that did happen this weekend:

• My son had his first remote vision therapy appointment.
• I wrestled with my kids on our big king size bed (and it was actually really fun).
• We played MarioKart together.
• I built my son’s new big kid desk.
• My husband took a bunch of work calls.
• I worked out on the elliptical while participating in a professional development webinar.
• My husband and I watched Palm Springs on Hulu (which I HIGHLY recommend, especially during the pandemic).
• I played EVERY one of the ::cough:: 45 games on PEAK, a brain games an app I just download that I LOVE and that I’m hoping will keep me away from my NYT and WaPo apps for the foreseeable future.
• My husband did a ton of NYT crossword puzzles on his phone.
• I did a bunch of laundry.
• My husband did a bunch of dishes.
• I realized my new glasses aren’t quite right (I think one of the lenses is slightly tilted which makes everything slightly blurry – ESPECIALLY when I watch TV) and made an appointment to take them in.
• I made pretzels and cherry lime rickeys and we watched A Bug’s Life (one of my favorite, and a highly underrated – in my opinion – Pixar film).
• We all put together Pokemon card decks and played each other (we actually know how to play now and it’s actually really engaging and fun).
• I read more of my book.
• My kids played a lot of Minecraft.
• I helped my daughter Marie Kondo her books.
• I wrote a couple of blog posts.

All in all it was a pretty enjoyable weekend, and I attribute that to my son being in a camp all week, which made Saturday and Sunday actually feel different.

How did you pass the last two days?

I recognize that the severe case of the “mehs” that I have right now is due, primarily, to a lack of anticipatory joy. With nothing to look forward to, it’s hard to trudge through the days.

{The dread I feel about the future – especially the fall – is definitely exacerbating the negative effects of a lack of anticipatory joy.}

I was thinking about how useful anticipatory joy is as we were watching Hamilton last weekend. We has been waiting for it for months. It was one of only two things we were looking forward to and we took great pleasure in counting down the days as we listened to the soundtrack around the house and in the car. When the “bright spot” got cancelled it, looking forward to Hamilton helped us getting over our crushing disappointment.

Actually watching it didn’t end up being all we had hoped though. My daughter didn’t make it through five songs before she went into her room to read comics. My son made it through most of it, but he was playing with other stuff for the second half.

They both really liked it (my daughter came back in when her favorite songs were on), but I doubt we’ll watch it again. I wasn’t surprised, or disappointed, by how it went down. I knew the anticipatory joy was going to be the greater reward – and ultimately it was. Looking forward to Hamilton served its purpose, even if the actual experience wasn’t what we anticipated.

I think I rely on anticipatory joy to get through my days, and my life in general, more than I realized. Clearly I need to practice being in the present, appreciating the current moment and planning for the future without judgement or fear of the unknown. Maintaining a strong Zen Buddhism practice would have done wonders for me during this uncertain time. Maybe now is the time to look to those resources (I still have a few of the most useful) in an attempt to lessen my dependence on anticipatory joy to get through the days.

Today SHU wrote about how she is tired of doing the same thing every day, of checking off the same boxes (literally, for her, because she is a big into paper planners), and I have to say, I feel her.

Every day feels the same. Every day is Blursday.

A lot of people I know are at least getting away to a family house by the river, or to the beach for a weekend, or even a week. Even two or three nights somewhere else would be so welcome. Just being able to leave our house, and do something, would be so welcome.

It’s been four months of pretty much the same thing. And yes, our “same thing” is pretty nice since we both have jobs but neither of us have to leave the house to do them. Our kids are old enough that they don’t need constant supervision; right now my son is in camp and my daughter sees friends almost every week day. This is a dream situation, considering…

We have a really good situation, and yet I’m still… struggling to get up every morning. We’d normally still be in St. Louis. I don’t know when I’ll get to see my extended family again.

Next week is my 40th birthday. I was thinking about at least having a couple of friends over in my backyard (I hosted a similar get-together for a friend’s birthday a couple of weeks ago), but my closest friend is away that weekend so it doesn’t feel worth it. I don’t usually do much for my birthday, but I was planning something this year since it’s the big 4-0, and I’m sad it will pass just like any other day.

I know I’m just throwing myself a little pity party. I have a lot to be thankful for, like my son being in camp, and my daughter having friends who can come over and pass the days with her in our backyard or at a park. I have beautiful spots to run outside where there aren’t very many other people I need to worry about passing (and it’s cool enough hear that running is still very pleasant).

We have our downstairs space and I LOVE IT and it makes me happy. The upstairs now feels so big and spacious – I’ve never loved this house more.

Our backyard no longer sends me into a panic at a mere glance. Instead we’re using it almost every day. It’s a really generous outside space and we did a lot of work months ago so we could take advantage of it, and now we actually are! The weather has even been warm and not too windy and I was able to set the girls out there with art projects last week instead of taking them to the park (and yes I recognize how lucky we are that it’s not hot and humid here all summer!).

I’ve joined a Curriculum Club for the way I teach Spanish and I’m spending 3-4 hours a day working on plans for next year. I love creating curriculum and I appreciate having colleagues I can work with to plan for a year of distance learning.

And in two weeks BOTH my kids will be at camp, which will give me the time I need to really get everything ready.

So honestly, things are really good, and yet I’m struggling. My marriage isn’t in great shape – my husband and I see each other more than ever but he feels so distant – and that probably isn’t helping. Everything requires more energy and neither of us have any by the end of the day. I feel like I’m always the one who initiates repairs in our relationship, and I’m resentful it’s on me, yet again, to do that.

Actually, writing this made me feel a little better. We watched A Bug’s Life tonight (one of my favorite (and in my opinion totally underated) Pixar films, and I’ll be fixing myself a drink soon (only drinking on the weekends does make it more special and different that the rest of the week, which I appreciate). Hopefully we’ll just watch Lodge 49 tonight instead of spending 30 minutes scrolling through 180 minute long movies on the Criterion channel (choosing what to watch is a constant source of stress for us and it’s wearing these days). Tomorrow is Sunday which means I have to fight less with my kids, which is something.

Yeah, I think it’s time to fix myself that drink… lately I’ve been enjoying tequila in limeade.

What are you drinking this weekend?

I am so tired of the should-schools-reopen debate. It’s a cyclical mindf*** that goes nowhere and I’m not going to engage this weekend. Maybe for a while.

The reality is we have no idea where we’ll be in a month, but we can make educated guesses and even in San Francisco, which has been slower to reopen than most places, we probably won’t be able to open at the start of the school year no matter what the plan is (we can’t open until we’ve had two weeks of falling case numbers and currently they are rising). At this point plans are pretty much useless, so I’m not going to stress about them.

I am going to think about possible solutions to probable problems, and I’m going to keep working on distance learning curriculum, because I know for sure that Spanish will be taught online next year (though I’m not sure I’ll actually be teaching it…)

Meanwhile, I’m relieved it’s Friday. While the days have been less stressful, and more productive, it’s clear that camp has been a big adjustment for my son and he is ready for a break from the long, active days. I’m ready for a break from hosting my daughter’s friends in the backyard (it’s ultimately less work for me than having her upstairs with me, but it’s still work).

On a happy note, my glasses finally came in today and it’s SO NICE to see clearly. Man oh man I have been struggling. I could get by without my glasses for months (I lost mine early in SIP and I couldn’t order a new pair because my Rx was too old), but it wasn’t pleasant. I’m so thrilled to have a new pair.

I hope you all have a restful weekend. Stay safe.

Let’s step away from the pandemic for a minute shall we?

I’m sure I’ve written before about my weird tendencies around rewearing my clothes, and how I have very strong feelings about when it’s appropriate to rewear articles of clothing throughout the week. I only shower when I work out, which is 3-4x/week, and whether or not I will put on a previously worn article of clothing (mostly pants) depends on where I am in my shower schedule.

This creates scenarios where I know I want to wear something again but I can’t put it back into the drawer with the clean clothes (they are clean! The clothes I’ve worn are not clean!), and I if I hang it over the laundry hamper it might be contaminated by the dirty clothes. (Yes, I recognize everything I’m writing here is absurd.)

This has seriously been a point of annoyance for me for years. Before we moved downstairs I used the elliptical machine (which was only a few feet from my side of the bed) as a massive hanger of “mid-cycle” clothes, but being downstairs I was at a loss.

I looked and looked for a laundry hamper with a towel rack ladder attached to it. I found one, from PotteryBarn Teen that was nice, but it only had one hamper bag and we need at least two (we’re actually used to three (whites/colors/perm press). Since I couldn’t find one, I decided to make one myself.

The hamper came yesterday. I already had the ladder from IKEA. I put together the hamper while I participated in the SFUSD town hall about reopening schools in the fall.

Here is the final product.

It’s just a weird little thing (that I’ve wanted for a long time! but I’m so excited to have it. I really hope it brings me as much join as I expect it will.

Have you ever put together something that you really wanted, but couldn’t find anywhere to buy?

The second day of camp was fine. My son had a great time, though he evidently got VERY upset about “getting out” in a couple of games and had to be talked down by his “pod leader” (which is not surprising and one of the things he needs to learn how to manage away from home)! My daughter and her two friends spent four hours in our backyard making clothes for old Barbies I found and painting with acrylics. It was another good day.

Then my husband sent me an article about San Francisco’s school opening plan, which will not be officially announced until very late July, less than three weeks before the school year starts.

While they aren’t announcing anything yet, the message is clear. Only some students – the ones who most need to be in the classroom – will be invited back in the fall. The rest of the students will be taught entirely online for at least 1-2 months, maybe longer.

This means my kids won’t be going to school, but I WILL be four times a week.

I’m really not sure how we’re going to make that work.

My husband won’t be able to work full time if this is our scenario. I was able to make it work because I only had five zoom meetings a week, and could do the rest of my work in the evenings and after my kids went to bed. My husband has calls and meetings all day long, there is no way he can be working and being with our kids all day, let alone helping them learn.

I was already planning on trying to find someone who could help my kids with online learning 2-3 times a week (a group of us were going to pool financial resources and have the person meet with a our kids together in a backyard), but there is no way that will cover the amount of time I’ll be away.

I would ask my mom for help, but I don’t feel comfortable with her being near my kids while I’m at school seeing an increasing number of students who are old enough to transmit the virus (most studies show kids 10 and under aren’t big transmitters, but middle schools are 11-13 years old).

I’m really not sure what I’m going to do. Perhaps there will be day care available for essential workers, though I don’t know if I qualify if I’m not a teacher in the city’s district (it would be really messed up if that were the case).

I knew this was a possibility, but seeing other district’s plans I assumed SFUSD would also manage to bring all students back for at least a couple mornings a week. Evidently that won’t be happening. And what exactly are my kids’ teachers supposed to be doing… teaching one group for part of the day in the classroom and then transitioning to online for the rest? There is no way teachers can manage that.

Ugh, this is going to be so, so hard. I don’t know what we’re going to do.

All I can say is that I’m so thankful we got our son in camp this session, because it’s very likely he won’t be in a classroom setting for a long, long time.

My son really enjoyed camp. He bounded out with a huge smile on his face, immediately launching into a story about how he made a new friend.

{I will admit I breathed a massive sigh of relief upon hearing that he had a good day. I haven’t been that nervous about my son being somewhere since his first day of preschool.}

My daughter and her friends (and my friend) had a nice day at the beach, which was empty because it was too windy and cold to really enjoy it. But the girls played in the water a lot (until their chattering teeth forced them back onto the sand) and I got to run (while my friend watched the girls) and we got home right in time to pick up my son.

Screen time was cut in half. There was no fussing when we turned it off. My son fell asleep a full hour earlier than he has in months.

It was a good day.

And since I don’t have the time or energy to write more, I will share this article, that feels very important right now.