I can imagine yesterday’s post came of as me begrudging others their pandemic realities. While yes, I am envious of those who have moved into a pandemic reality that looks a lot more like normal life, I don’t mean to begrudge anyone that. How can I begrudge someone something that I would absolutely take advantage of if I had the opportunity?
I’m just tired and it’s still so hard and I don’t really understand why it’s still so hard for us where we live, and it’s so much easier for other people where they live. I don’t believe there is only one right answer, especially not anymore, and it’s hard to see the world opening up for others in ways that it seems it never will for us. (It’s also hard to learn just how open it’s been for others since the fall – I really did not realize how much more shut down we were than most areas).
I suppose the fact that I’m not interested in any of the experiences that are now allowed in my area because of recently eased restrictions probably doesn’t help. I’m not interested in eating at a restaurant – take out is fine for me. I don’t want to go shopping in malls (those have actually been open here but I’ve yet to step foot in one). I used to love the movie theater, but not anymore. I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is having the time and space to do my job without also managing my children. I just want to be able to ask for real, substantive help when I need it. And that does not exist for me and it won’t for a while.
I feel like I made so many mistakes when it came to getting through this year. My husband and I decry the lack of imagination from local, state and federal officials, but we weren’t exactly imaginative ourselves. We just hunkered down and kept giving parts of ourselves away to our day to day lives until there was nothing left.
I keep reminding myself of how terrible everything was last year, that on top of the coronavirus and ever mounting cases and deaths, we were dealing with Trump and the Republican party officials that supported him no matter how great the attack he waged against our democracy. I forget we weren’t sure who would win the election and then we weren’t sure if the liar who’d lost would leave. Everything felt so fraught last year; we were in a constant fight or flight loop and creative thinking doesn’t happen in our amygdala. It’s hard to see the big picture, and anticipate the real effects of living a certain way for an entire year, especially when the message is that you have no safe and responsible options. I had a panic attack in a zoom class on Inauguration Day, clearly I have not been putting my best mental effort towards anything lately. Clearly we didn’t have any options.
But now it feels like the dust has settled and people are getting on with their lives and we’re stuck in the same shelter-in-place mentality. And a lot of people I read have had child care and in person school for a while, and honestly it didn’t bother me because that wasn’t happening at public schools in our area at all (the private schools have been open but I think I just realized this in the new year). But now it is – slowly but surely students are stepping foot back on campus in public districts all over the Bay Area – and yet my children’s situation remains in a holding pattern. Even when I felt we were “all in this together” and I recognized that “in this” looked different in every area (and for every person), I didn’t feel like the outlier I feel like now. I honestly think I’m hitting the wall because of what is changing in our immediate area, and how it feels like the wrong things are changing…
Because what if SFUSD does finalize their agreement with the union and then before schools can even reopen our numbers go up because restaurants and gyms and theaters have been open in the interim (their agreement to go back is predicated on numbers staying in the red.)
What then?
I’ve hit the wall. So hard. I’ve hit it as a public school teacher who has to read about how unreasonable our unions are, and as I’ve had to manage the mixed emotions those articles bring up for me. I have never worked so hard and yet I know that everything I do is ineffectual at best, harmful at worst (if a student is dealing with mental health issues and my work is causing them more distress). I’ve been teaching to an array of black boxes for a full academic year and it’s horrible. And I am in the best possible position as a middle school elective teacher in an affluent district where most kids have the technology and parental support they need.
Have I mentioned I will almost certainly be teaching this way again next year, as a middle school electives teacher? And my kids’ district will absolutely not be in person anything close to full time in the fall… The light at the end of this tunnel is only an idea for me…
This is so, so hard. And yes I’m envious of those who don’t have to juggle their children’s education with their own job and general mental health. That doesn’t mean I begrudge them what they have, because I would accept it, if offered, in a second. And the last thing I ever want to be is a hypocrite (but of course I am! and that was the point of yesterday’s post! I have almost everything and yet I bitch about the two things I don’t have!)
I guess the real point of all the words written in this post, and the last, is I DON’T KNOW HOW TO KEEP DOING THIS WHEN IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT’S GOING TO GET BETTER.
Yes I know it is getting better. And vaccinations will keep improving the situation. But states are opening up in reckless ways (or so say federal public health officials), and a full FOURTH of Americans say they won’t get vaccinated and variants threaten the effectiveness of vaccines people do get and we’ll be wearing masks into 2022 and the areas that have always been quick to close and slow to reopen will continue to operate that way, and without a miracle my life will look a lot like this in the fall.
And I don’t know how to get through the next three months of the school year, let alone the summer, let alone the fall knowing that it’s not going to get much better.
And I’m sorry if I lashed out at others for putting words to my jealously. I know we’re all dealing with our own struggles and the last thing I want to do is add to anyone’s.
Do you think your life will look different in the fall?
Different? Sure. Better? Probably not.
I hate to admit it, because I know so many are struggling, but this year has been pretty good for me. I’ve been happier and felt freer than I have in a long, long time. As the world shut down, all kinds of new space and possibilities have opened up for me in ways I never could have imagined.
Some people say that we’ll eventually look back on many aspects of the pandemic with nostalgia. I’m already at that point.
I realize this is probably totally unhelpful and I do sympathize with your very real challenges. I know that most people’s lives have become unimaginably more difficult.
And not to be too optimistic, I know your parents have been very helpful in the past with childcare. Presumably, by fall, they’ll be vaccinated and can go back to giving you a break and taking some of the childcare responsibilities. So, maybe that’s something you can look forward to?
I will say that the role of your parents (and, in the past, in-laws) has always made me wildly jealous. In my case, none of the grandparents have any interest in watching or even interacting with my kids.
My inlaws have been fully vaccinated but still don’t feel comfortable even meeting us outside, social distanced, with masks on (they fear the variants) and my parents will be fully vaccinated soon too but my mom just had shoulder surgery and the recuperation time is long. They were also the ones who took so few precautious before they were vaccinated that we didn’t fee comfortable seeing them not for the risk to them, but the risk to us. We fear they will just go back to life as normal now that they are vaccinated and my husband currently is not okay with our kids seeing them inside without masks. I doubt that will change unless they find strong evidence that vaccinated people don’t transmit the virus.
It’s so interesting to see different people’s risk tolerances. I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my kids to summer camp even if it’s outdoors and masked.
On the other hand, I’m perfectly happy to have my kids around fully vaccinated adults (though would prefer the contact to be mostly outdoors). And once I’m vaccinated, I’m going to hang out with other, fully vaccinated people.
I realize my choices probably don’t make sense to others, but we all evaluate risk/benefit differently
Unless there’s another surge over the summer (seems unlikely given vaccines??), I maintain some optimism that schools will be back in person… not “normal” but full time in person. Honestly I don’t see how SF is going to be able to legally hold out next year too. I teach in MA and we were abruptly told that hybrid is going away in April for the state. (Parents who want full remote can still keep that option for the rest of the year but anyone coming to school will be there every day.) It’s causing massive upheaval and stress but… regardless, it’s apparently pushing forward. At a certain point I don’t see how SF (especially next school year!) can keep being remote as numbers go down and the rest of the large coastal cities reopen (I’m in a large city district too).
Are there camp options for your kids for the summer? Yes, there would be some risks involved but it sounds like that could be a good option to give you and your husband a breather this summer, at least.
https://twitter.com/Bob_Wachter/status/1369508123468128260
I haven’t had to send out a new sympathy card since my last box (fingers crossed) but SF is many multiples of times bigger than my MSA and only has 2x as many deaths.
Yes I know fewer people have died here than in other places but that is not because they kept schools closed. I’m fine with their other redirections, and am not participating in the new openings, I just want schools open.
I’m sorry things are so hard for you. You are in a challenging situation and have been for a long time.
Agree with the ideas about summer camp for your kids and seeing if your parents could help out after they are vaccinated. For the rest of this school year, could you hire someone to supervise your kids at least part of the time during the day? Yes, it would be some exposure but if you find someone who is also cautious, the risk would be low. Or is there any possibility of moving your kids from the SFUSD? It sounds like you have issues with it beyond them not offering school in-person.
And I know you’re probably not interested in moving, but just to reiterate that you do have options besides living in SF.
We’ll definitely put them in summer camps (we did last summer), but the hours are shorter and options are limited. I’m interested in hiring someone to help but it’s hard to find someone and my husband isn’t fond of the idea (I can’t get him to articulate why) and parents aren’t an option (see my response to Mary’s comment). I definitely think a lot about moving and now that my husband is also so miserable here I might even have a chance. I’m definitely going to keep looking into it.
I agree with other commenters – I don’t believe that SFUSD can legally continue to fight requirements to be in school, especially by next fall. Even if 25% of adults overall truly don’t end up getting the vaccine (and more and more people are changing their mind and getting it is what I’ve seen), that shouldn’t affect school being taught in person. If every teacher has been offered the vaccine, school should be in session.
Keeping my fingers crossed that you don’t see a surge with restaurants, gyms, and theaters open. Like others have said, your numbers are actually quite low there per capita (that was a SUPER interesting twitter thread Nicoleandmaggie linked), and at least where I’m at, we’ve had no outbreaks tied to restaurants or theaters (there’s no gym in my town, everyone works out outdoors).
Hang in there, my friend. I think mentally you’re in a spiral about this right now, but hopefully you can soon see there really IS light at the end of the tunnel with these vaccines. I 100% don’t believe we will still be in masks in 2022 and I do believe kids will all be back in school in person by next fall as well.
I did not hear a tiny bit of you begrudging anyone else different circumstances AT ALL!!! And I am so glad you wrote again today. AND you got lots of responses and people saying that you were expressing things they also are dealing with. Thank you for pointing out the additional political questions that were up all of last year and still on-going in manu states where they are moving to suppress voting while we are still needing continuing Pentagon support and protection in D.C..
I mean wow. These pressures continue.
I do expect to be wearing masks through into 2022, because the flu and colds that didn’t happen were a strong argument for doing so. I gather the virus will not be eradicated but we ought to generally not die or be hospitalized and MAYBE there will be fewer long hauler cases and fewer children with serious side effects. I am hearing children down to age 12 may be approved by June for vaccine and supply is increasing.
SO schools probably will be moving towards more normal even in slow to move areas like SF and mine. I am not hearing anyone predict yet what will happen for the fall with schools. Even at university levels. Partly because the variant question is still wide open and another surge may be growing right now. The unknowns are still HUGE.
That as a nation we prioritized restaurants and bars over schools and children however still galls me. The county to county inequities where some counties were still trying to vaccinate medical front liners and other counties were expanding to anyone over 55….. well.
IF you could choose a different place to live, not SF, do you think you and husband would agree on which state or county to look in? Would you both need to find new jobs? Is your husband’s area of focus/expertise highly mobile or is supply generally higher than demand for him? You have looked locally and not found your niche in high demand and the costs of changing districts quite high; if you widened your search area by moving houses would that change? Are/did lots of teachers retire in this past year increase opportunities?
The families I know who have had to look for childcare in SF in the past year did find lots of applicants, but the costs are extremely high. There are no easy answers.