Cancelled Plans

{I wrote this on Saturday night, and I’m posting it on Monday morning. Apologies!}

I was supposed to be hanging out with my girl friends tonight, while our daughters hung out too. But the last pair just cancelled so I guess it’s just my daughter and I. I’m realizing that I missed the last two events my friends spent together, which is why I haven’t seen a friend since before the holidays. They all went to a Warriors game together, and I just couldn’t bring myself to spend almost $200 dollars just to hang out with them (I really could not care less about basketball) and they all went to one of the girl’s theater production last weekend, when I was at a comedy show with my husband (again, this was a show that was rescheduled last year, and we never cancelled our tickets). It’s a bummer and I miss them, but none of them are as eager to make plans work right now as I am, because they’ve seen each other a couple times.

And yes, I know I could try to make shorter, smaller, plans with just one of them (I did try to do that tonight, after two cancelled, but the last one ended up canceling too), but that can be hard. We all have a lot going on and finding a night when we can meet up is challenging. I’m also not very good at initiating things like that, because I’m always so exhausted after work and ferrying my kids around the city.

I also don’t really have any other friends (who live in the area), which surely isn’t helping. But even if I did, I’d probably be just as bad as getting together with them. I mean, I don’t really have many friends because I’m so bad at making time for them. It’s absolutely my own doing, to a large extent.

A great friend of mine is coming into town in a couple weeks, so hopefully I’ll be able to see her while she’s here. That is something to look forward to.

Things with my husband are better. He clearly feels bad for what he said. He was exhausted and I caught him at a bad time. We both recognize that our daughter’s schedule blew up seemingly over night and we have not adjusted to that yet. Between all her new commitments, and my being sick, things came to a head.

We’ve created a spreadsheet to help us keep track of who is picking up and bringing home which kids when. I think that will help immensely. Hopefully our daughter will be able to get herself to swimming on the bus at least one day a week soon. It’s too tight some days, but on Wednesday she could probably do it. Even one trip I don’t have to make will be much appreciated.

As for martial arts, I’m still trying to figure it out. Unfortunately it’s more complicated than just, I love it but it’s hard to get to enough classes. If that were the case I’d never consider quitting! But I’m definitely at a level now where a lot of what I’m working on is hard, and committing to 1.5-2.5 hours at the dojo after a long day in the classroom is not always something I want to do. And yes, many times I’m very glad I went, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like the best use of an entire evening. Prepping for my test will require an incredible amount of time, and most of it won’t be super enjoyable. I need to memorize a lot, and keep reviewing it once I’ve memorized it so I won’t lose it, while also tackling more things. I’ve definitely been a green belt for too long, but the idea of testing is daunting. I think once I get to blue belt I’ll be okay just hanging out at that level for a while – a lot of students seem to do that – so maybe I should just get there and then lay low for a while and decide how to proceed later. I do love sharing this one activity with my son, whose other interests (::cough:: video games ::cough::) do not align with mine. But it’s really hard to know what to do, because while I feel pride and accomplishment after I test, I don’t enjoy the stress and time commitment required to test. It’s not just physical, but mental as well.

The dojo can also be a reminder of how much I suck at building community. Everyone there seems to know each other better than I do, even people who started much more recently than I did. They are all young and can stay for multiple classes, and then grab a meal after they train. I just can’t do that. And I never will be able to do that, at least not for several more years. And if I’m being honest, I probably wouldn’t want to do it that much anyway. Social situations where I don’t know anyone very well are hard for me. I’m not good at them. They are stressful and exhausting. I’d usually rather be at home where I don’t have to work so hard.

I think I just have to recognize that friendship is not something I’m ever going to have at the level I want to have it, and be incredibly grateful for the times in my life when I have friends at all (like right now!) I have no friends who actually lived in the city for many years, that is why the ALI blogging community of a decade (plus!) ago was so important to me! Those were my only friends! And without my blog and the people who read it and commented (whose blogs I also read and commented on) I would have felt so incredibly alone.

I guess I don’t have much else to say. Thank you for your thoughts on my last post. I was so upset that night, because I’ve been trying so hard to work on the guilt I feel about committing time to myself, and I’ve worked so hard on believing my husband when he says I should go do something, and his comments just seemed to confirm what I’ve always feared! That even when he’s saying I should do something, he’s actually resentful that I’m away and keeping tabs on who is doing more. But I think it’s more complicated than that. I do believe he genuinely wants me to see friends and train at the dojo and go for a run. But he also needs some down time, and if the delicate balance that works for both of us gets pummeled by sickness or some special events, he can start to feel resentful. I’ve felt myself doing the same thing. We’re both just doing our best, but the margins are so small that it can fall apart really easily.