Climbing out from under it

Sometimes I want to come here but I feel like I have too much to say. Or I don’t feel like I can recap a weekend without recounting some event that requires it’s own, more thoughtful post.

This is one of those times.

The weekend was… rough. Saturday morning our downstairs bathroom exploded and it became clear quickly that it would require a massive sum of money to fix it.

Then we had an application appointment for our kids’ passports and I made the same mistake on both their applications. So I had to fill them out by hand. And when I got to the end of my daughter’s and I wrote a 0 instead of a 1 somewhere and was told I had to start all over again I lost my shit. Not at anybody but just in general. And my husband demanded I get calm immediately I and just couldn’t. And honestly I didn’t think I should have to because the whole process was so unnecessarily tedious and difficult. I hate that kind of shit so much.

My run afterward didn’t feel great. I had a side stitch and the pain on the left side of my leg and hip wouldn’t go away. It just wasn’t what I needed to undo the damage done at the post office.

My husband barely spoke to me the rest of the day. But I refused to apologize more than once and we never really talked about it, which honestly feels like a win on my part. I’m always apologizing for having regular human emotions, and I’m kind of tired of it. He never apologies for the way he reacts to things and he isn’t perfect either.

I did spend some time thinking about why I lost my shit like that, and besides the fact that I was super stressed by the bathroom blow up and impending many thousand dollar quote from the plumber, I think mostly it’s watching my husband slowly fall into the same despondency that dogged him all of last year. I just can’t do it again. I can’t provide him the support he needs and I can’t be so entirely without a partner.

So yeah. Rough stuff.

Sunday was better. I got so much shit done. I just put my head down and did it. I won’t list it out, but I will say that I crossed some old shit off big lists and I felt better for it.

I think mostly I just wanted to see if getting on top of some shit at home would make things at work feel more manageable. But today felt anything but. I lost my Friday prep to a meeting with my student teacher and her supervisor and I lost today’s prep to another meeting with my student teacher to figure out what she’ll be teaching on the days we schedule last week. I know that eventually I’ll get some of this time back, when she is teaching some of my classes instead of me. But right now it’s just leeching prep time from me, and I’m drowning at work because of it.

Tonight I had to teach Basics at the dojo and I was dreading it. I had stress dreams about it last night and I considered calling to say I was sick. But I showed up and did it and it went much better than last time. I’m glad I stuck it out, and I’m glad I don’t have to do it again for a few weeks.

Tomorrow should be better than today was. I think I can get out from under some giant piles or papers and that will make me feel better. In the evening I’m going to Sparring at the dojo and I always love Sparring.

We’ll see if all the work I did this weekend start to pay off.