I have been STRUGGLING this week. So scattered and so stressed. It has not been pleasant. Since it’s Friday, I’ll parse my scatterbrained state it out into five little chunks.
1. I’ve been processing sad news. I found out a couple close to us is separating. I can’t say much more about it yet (I’m sure I’ll be able to later), and it won’t affect our day to day lives, but it’s a bummer and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Also, the mom of two young kids at our dojo died of breast cancer. I didn’t know her well, but I know her kids and it’s devastating.
2. Changes are afoot, and change is hard. A lot of staff left last year and we just got the email with the names of all the new hires and it was a lot to process. The dojo has been having MAJOR changes in leadership and I don’t really know how it’s going to keep working without all the people that have left. It makes me irrationally upset that I can’t fathom what the future there will hold. The dojo has given me and my son so much, and I don’t want it to stop being what it’s always been for us. And my daughter is starting high school, but that will get its own bullet point below.
3. I’m all over the place both physically and mentally this week. One morning I went to get my coffee cup, but first I grabbed the blender (why?!) and then started pouring coffee beans into the grinder (why?!?) before finally just opening the cabinet and grabbing the stupid cup. This is how basically everything has felt this week, and I’ve really struggled to get anything done. The unpacking and putting away of luggage took forever. I got almost nothing done at work this week, despite being in my classroom for over 15 hours! I’m so frustrated with how unproductive I’ve been.
4. I’m spending money like crazy. It’s partly stress spending – I buy things that I think will solve problems when I’m faced with uncertainty – and it’s partly just start of school spending. Either way it’s too much and it has to stop, because it’s sending me into a shame spiral and I just can’t manage that shit right now.
5. Our daughter is starting high school next week and she has BIG feelings about it. And she’s bringing those big feelings to us (as she should!) and we have to stay calm and collected as we help her work through them, even when they trigger our own stresses and insecurities. It’s a lot. Also, my husband is really struggling back at work, so a lot of the hard stuff with our daughter is falling to me.
This weekend is Outside Lands, which will be so fun but will not provide much needed respite. Hopefully next week I can pull myself together and start getting stuff done, and feeling better about everything. Reentry is hard, especially at the end of the summer. I’m trying to remember that and give myself grace.
I am sorry to hear there is sad news in your real life world. Never an easy time. Always a reminder that ‘happily ever after’ is a fairy tale not a human truth.
Dojo changes and the start of a new school year, and the start of a new school and time of life, are stressful times of transition time periods. The unknowns of new are hard for most people. Some people respond with excitement but I think the majority of people have at least some trepidation and uncertainty, in part because most people have seen change bring some new unexpected negatives. Rarely is it clear what and how important these negatives may be until they happen. So new dojo people with new ideas, a lot of different students in your classroom, a new high school with lot of new classmates……. a lot of change. It is hard. Must be hard for you husband too as he works in city government in a city facing an election and lots of problems and lots of businesses making changes. Tough and stressful environment for everyone.
So being overwhelmed and disoriented and distracted makes sense for all of you. TIme to do deep breathing and appreciating all the work you did at the end the past school year and start of summer. I’ve been following you for long enough to know this is your normal for end of summer … and then, just as I think it must be impossible, you pull off a miracle and things fall into place and a new order and pattern emerges.
It is so wonderful that you now recognize and see the ‘spending solution’ stress reaction for what it is and can call it’s name. Including that it is part of the end of summer and start of school behavior but NOW you know you can interrupt the pattern. Such growth and change in you!!!
Just in case you have forgotten, You really are impressive. You do so much. You keep growing. You remind me to do the same.
THANK YOU!
I am about to start reentry from Italy- ufffff it’s gonna be hard. But I am also looking forward to being on my own turf- sleeping in my bed, using my utensils, and drinking my own, weak, instant coffee. Italy was beautiful but I am better with structure so I think it will help lift some of the negative feels I’ve been feeling.
Transition times are so tough. But it’s not forever and soon enough all these new things won’t seem so new. At least that’s what I tell myself! (Fool myself?)