Today was a… meh day. It was fine actually. I can’t complain. But I feel… I’m not sure really. It’s hard to articulate. Antsy is one word. There is a lot of pent up energy inside. A lot of anxiety about January and the rest of the school year. A lot of anxiety about this week, frankly.
The rain probably isn’t helping. I know we need it, and I’m not mad it’s finally here. But it’s hard to feel cooped up. I’d really like to get outside. Being outside is really important to me. More important than I ever realized.
I have so much to do. Around the house mostly but in other areas of my life. We have people coming over and my house is not guest-ready. And I worry it won’t be. I know I won’t be ready for next Monday. It’s hard to know you won’t be ready.
I’m also a little lonely. My husband is still sick. He doesn’t feel well at all. He’s around, and participating during the day, but he goes to sleep right after the kids every night. It sucks that we don’t get to hang out at all. We have so few weeks like this to do that. And now that we do, it can’t happen.
I just keep reminding myself to be thankful that none of us got it. And that it’s not Covid. It’s definitely a gnarly respiratory virus. His cough sounds horrible. His sinuses are super congested. His voice is hoarse. It’s been over a week and he doesn’t seem to be getting better. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s nasty. I don’t really understand how none of us got it. I’m really glad we didn’t.
I feel like I’m back in that place where I have to be thankful just to be healthy. And I am! But there has to be room for other feelings to. I’m trying to make room for those feelings. Feelings of frustration. And fear. And fatigue. So much fatigue.
I don’t know how to brace myself for what’s coming. Even the mundane shit in my own life feels like too much. And getting stuff done doesn’t seem to take the weight off. Today I cleaned the inside of the car. The seat covers are still hanging to dry but it’s all vacuumed and wiped down. I’ve been wanting to clean it out for a long time – it needed it. But now that it’s done all I can think is how it will get dirty again and I’ll have to spend a day doing what I just did. And also how I didn’t get much picked up around the house because I spent so much time on the car.
But I also hung out with my kids. We made resin jewelry and played Exploding Kittens. My daughter and I gave each other make overs with the Ulta Beauty bag she got for Christmas. I got most of the Christmas presents put away. It was a fine day, and it’s okay if sometimes it feels that way and it sometimes feels heavier.
These are crazy times. I know we acknowledge that again and again but sometimes I still need to say it. None of us knows what we are doing. Few of us are prepared for this kind of disruption to our daily lives. It’s okay if it feels hard. It’s okay if our feelings are complicated. It’s okay if we struggle to articulate. It’s all okay.
I mean it’s not. But it has to be. Tomorrow is another day.
{Sorry if this post feels like it’s from out of left field. I did not sit down to write it but it’s what I wrote. And I feel like I should post it because I’m sure I’m not the only person in a weird head space right now. If your all over the emotional map right now, I hope you know you’re not alone.}
“All over the emotional map” So accurate for so many of us. A time of hiatus but not so much like many years when it feels like a cocooned butterfly waiting to emerge because the suspicion is that what will emerge in the new year is ferocious and scary.
Do hope you have a good time with your sister. You (all of us) are in need of some real R&R without anxiety.
Concerned for you husband the nasty ‘cold thing’ I was hearing about (and having) in early November is still around. Controlling it involved antibiotics (moved to bronchitis for me & 8 weeks later the cough is still not 100% gone). He might want to consider a call to advice nurse if more than 7 days and absolutely no improvement.
That is a good point about the cough becoming something more. He should call the advice nurse. We were both up all night with his coughing and it was awful. I honestly haven’t seen him this sick in a while. Maybe ever. I’ll definitely have him call the advice nurse.
I hope to see my sister this week. The rain is really messing with her plans because she’s worried about meeting people inside and getting a positive that prevents her from boarding a plane to go home in a week. And the rain is making outside meetups a lot harder if not impossible. I feel for her. All she wanted was to be outside in the sun (it’s very dark and cold in London at this time a year) and she’s gotten nothing but rain. She’s really bummed out about it.
Much sympathy! To your husband because he sounds quite sick. And your sister for all the reasons. Hope we get more dry patches but trying to plan for seeing people between rain drops…… not very workable. Garage parties with doors open? Wrap up warmly if you try this one. Fingers crossed airline can staff their flights.