Hijacked Mind

Thank you for your perspectives on my vaccination conundrum. I’m so confused as to why teachers from other counties around us can be vaccinated at the new FEMA site, but we teachers residing in SF cannot. Some have said it’s because SF has not started vaccinating people in the 1b tier, but I know for a fact that San Mateo County hasn’t started yet either. They start vaccinating the 1b tier on February 22nd (or 24th depending on where you look) and SF is also starting on the 24th so why are they allowed to get vaccinated there and we are not?

I’m so f*cking tired of living in San Francisco. I have never disliked my city as much as I do after this past year. I wish I were smart enough to move away (like the 100,000 people who already have) and cut my loses. I wish.

This morning was spent with me trying to leave a text chain in which all my colleagues successfully made vaccination appointments and then let us all know how easy it was. Our principal had texted us all about the site, and to let us know that she had an appointment. She shared the information and then everyone started texting back with their vaccination appointment success stories. One person mentioned that those of us in SF couldn’t get vaccinated but no one cared. I couldn’t just “leave the conversation” because not everyone had an iPhone (so that feature just disappeared?). Finally I figured out how to “hide” it, thank god.

It’s so frustrating to know that my colleagues can get vaccinated this week, but I can’t just because of where I live. How is that fair?

I really did not want to lose two days of productivity to this but it’s already happened. I’m trying to leave it behind me and get on with it, but it’s hard when I keep emails from my district about how I should definitely take advantage of the FEMA site because I’ll definitely get vaccinated there a lot quicker than through the county.

I didn’t even care that much about when I would be getting vaccinated before any of this happened! Now it’s like it hijacked my mind!

Anyway, moving on… I stayed up until 1am last night getting my last class’s assessments scored. That feels good because they are long and there were 95 of them. I’ve spent a lot of time prepping for the next two weeks and beyond. I haven’t gotten much done at home, which is disappointing because my house is a shit show and the state of is causes me a ton of stress. We really need to do a massive purge but I don’t know if I have that in me. I should probably try to find a house cleaner, but that also feels like an incredibly daunting task during a pandemic. Maybe I’ll attempt both over the spring break.

It’s crazy to think the spring break is our last break of the school year. It’s crazy to think my kids will spend 13 months in distance learning and 18 total months away from their schools. It’s crazy to think my daughter will leave her school as a rising 6th grader and never set foot on the campus again as a student. I can only imagine how hard that must be for seniors in high school… what a loss for them.

As we come to the end of February, I’m only just registering what a traumatic month January was for my mental health. The panic attack in the zoom class was definitely the culmination of three really bad weeks. And shit did not really get better until last week, after I finally submitted my daughter’s middle school application (we had a really hard, anxiety-inducing time deciding on the best of a multitude of very bad options – San Francisco’s middle schools are notoriously awful and it was hard to get an idea of what they will be like next year since the buildings have been closed for a year). A week ago I weighed myself and realized I had lost 10 pounds. I was only 7 pounds away from my lowest weight since adolescence, which was the result of a year of VERY disordered eating in Spain, where I dabbled in anorexia and bulimia. I looked gaunt, in my opinion, and have been trying to gain back some of the weight. I know that is not a popular problem to have, especially as a woman during the pandemic, but as someone who has happily lived eating-disorder-free for 15 years it was really upsetting to have to think about my weight again. Really upsetting (if you ever suffered from an eating disorder you know what I mean.) I’ve gained back half of the weight I lost, so I’m not as worried about it anymore, but I’m keeping an eye on it (which in and of itself is stressful).

I should probably be seeking out mental health services, but Kaiser doesn’t have many to offer and the idea of finding a good therapist during a pandemic is so daunting as to feel impossible. (I’ve heard they are super overwhelmed with new clients too because… pandemic! This article contends that’s true.) Finding a therapist just feels like another REALLY hard thing to try to accomplish, when everything else feels hard. And when would I have time to meet with anyone? And where could I do it privately? Ugh, it’s just not worth it.

I will, ultimately, be fine. Everyone is suffering, most more than me, and I can work through my issues well enough. If I drop weight again I will more seriously look into it.

Well this post ended up being longer than I expected so I will sign off. I hope you’re all managing okay as we collectively hit this wall together. One head palm to the wall at a time I suppose.

Here is a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge, to thank you for reading this whole post.