I really hit a wall yesterday. On Wednesday I felt so good. I was so pleased with all I was getting done, with how test prep felt manageable, even fun. On Wednesday I was in great mood.
By Thursday night I was totally done.
It was bound to happen. I’ve been asking a lot of my family, and trying hard to make it up to them. Especially my husband who has been struggling to show up for me in the ways he wants to. My son has been spending hours waiting for me at the dojo, reading and watching shows on his pad while he eats dinner in the hallway. I’ve been driving the kids all over the city, having my son’s meals ready to eat at the dojo. Just trying to make it all work.
And of course there are all the hours practicing. It’s a lot. It’s exhausting both mentally and physically. I’m so tired at the end of every day, I’m in bed as soon as I eat a late dinner and prep for the next day.
I’m very lucky this test is at the end of my break. I don’t think I’d have the mental fortitude to work so hard after long days in the classroom, and then driving the kids for a couple hours each afternoon. Yesterday I got my teeth cleaned by work and just that one commute made the afternoon activity driving a lot harder.
I’ve also felt a lot better about asking my husband to cover the evenings, since I’m covering his usual morning routine. I’m the one getting up with the kids, getting them ready and taking them to school. I know that has helped him have the energy to get them fed and ready for bed in the evenings.
I am definitely focusing on how fortunate I was with the timing of this test. It has been the most enjoyable test prep I’ve experienced, and that’s saying something because this is definitely the hardest test I’ve ever done. I know for sure it’s been a positive experience because I’m not at work this week.
My husband leaves for New York early next week and I’m so relieved that we can do a quick reset on time debt. I always struggle with knowing how long to step up and offer extra help after requesting extra help myself. I think six days away will provide the mental reset that I need to know we’ll be on even footing once he returns.
{Am I the only one who does this? The only one who tries to “make up for” asking for more coverage than I’m normally allotted? Keeping a mental tally of how much I’ve been away and then trying to give that time back to my husband later (which means I never get any time to unwind myself. MORE THOUGHTS ON THIS IN THE COMMENTS.}
I’m going to run today, (I realized that it didn’t make a lot of sense to try to go yesterday, so I pushed it) and then take my son to the dojo for his quick 30 minute high belt class before we both bail. If he stays for the longer general class I know I’ll feel like I should assist and I just need a break from the dojo tonight. I’m going to be assisting every Friday morning forward, so taking this one off makes sense.
Tomorrow morning I’ll be at the dojo at 10:30am. Hopefully the test will be over by 4pm. I may go out for a little celebration after, or I may be too brain dead and just come home.
By 5pm tomorrow it will be done (sometimes they run long and a lot of people are testing tomorrow, but by 5pm it will definitely be done). I just got to make it to 5pm.
Yikes to the time debt thing. All it does is create resentment and feelings of debt with the person who is supposed to be your partner.
And how do you calculate time debt? Do you account for the hours you spent pregnant? Breastfeeding? Soothing sick little kids? Driving kids to activities?
It’s just a recipe for disaster to always keep tally IMO. When I used to go to weekly therapy (damn I need to restart that), my therapist was always very clear that using a tally system for parenting / social time away / etc. was a terrible idea and not at all useful in terms of actual joy and content in the home.
There are phases for everything – there may be weeks or months or years where you are getting “more” – more responsibility with the kids, or more time with friends, or more stress at work, or whatever – and then weeks or months or years where it’s the opposite.
I truly think you’d be better off (i.e. happier!) focusing on how to better support each other where you’re both at each week instead of keeping a running tally of debts of time “owed” to your partner.
PS – Can you imagine your husband ever thinking you should take a 6 day trip away from all kid & home life responsibilities to be “even” with his participation in things? I’m assuming it seems a little silly when you look at it like that!
You’ve got this, K! Good luck on your test. Give yourself grace for how busy you’ve all been and kudos for how hard you’ve worked to accomplish a million things during this break!
The time debt thing is absolutely my own weird stuff that I’m working through. And I think ultimately it comes from a place of trying to be fair. Like if I am asking for a lot during the week, I should try to offer time during the weekend. I know I would want to be offered time during the weekend if I were on all week! And it can help me to ask for my own time when I’m doing more than normal, when I feel I can ask for my own time because I’m giving a lot of it.
The reality is my husband just can’t manage as much as I can – he gets exhausted and eventually moody and sulky if he doesn’t get the time he needs to recharge. So part of what I’m doing is trying to avoid that, because it will happen even if my husband wants to support me. These past two weeks he has been very supportive of the time I wanted/needed to spend at the dojo. But when it came down to his ability to actually manage covering for me, it was a different story. He just can’t always deliver what he wants to offer. So I’m always mindful of what I’m asking for and try to offer opportunities for him to recharge, because he isn’t as good at recognizing he needs to, and making the space to do it himself (this is definitely a big part of it actually, that I’ve practiced recognizing when I need time and asking for it (as a run or drinks with friends) and he has not, or doesn’t have ready ways to get it, like running or seeing friends).
I think of my time debt also. I don’t have any way of actually measuring or valuing it but I am always conscious when I spend time away and whether he is now owed time too. Our younger is significantly harder to deal with than our older and every time I live my husband alone with him I do feel like I need to take him on my own. And I probably spend way more time alone with the younger than he does but I still feel like I owe him. I also feel relief if my husband goes away because it resets the scales. I have no idea why. I don’t know where this comes from.
I know it’s a totally unhealthy coping mechanism/habit but I very much have the same instinct to keep a mental tally and try to make sure the scales are even like you’ve described. I know that it comes from a place of feeling unworthy of support and also from a place of knowing both of us are bad at moderating our gives, so then we over-extend and get grouchy. We’re both guilty of it. We both routinely bite off more than we can chew in the spirit of helping the other person out. It’s a work in progress shaking the foundations of the need to do this tally.
Best of luck with your test!! (Unless it was today in which case I hope it went well!)
I don’t keep a tally because I know I ALWAYS do more – when I need time, I take it and know I don’t owe him a damn thing.