I used to talk quite a bit about what I couldn’t afford. When someone mentioned an amazing, two-week trip to a tropical beach, I’d respond with, Well that must be nice, but we can’t afford it, (mostly just in my head, but sometimes out loud). It has taken me a long time, and an increase in earning power, to recognize that “we can’t afford that” really means, “we don’t prioritize that.”
It’s a subtle shift, but an important one. The first time I really understood the difference was when a friend was talking excitedly about her upcoming vacation and I mentioned something about not being able to afford a trip like that and she said that she couldn’t either, and that was what credit cards were for. I wasn’t taught much in the ways of financial responsibility, but two lessons I did learn were to never bounce a check and to never charge more to my card than I could immediately pay off. The idea of charging a vacation I couldn’t pay for on my credit card would never occur to me. I’ve only ever charged more on my credit card than I could afford during times of financial distress.
That small conversation really changed the way I looked at the world. I always assumed that my uncomplicated ideas about finances were shared by most people, and that most people were making their financial choices in the same ways I would. So if they were going on big vacations it was because they had the money in the bank to pay for them. Once that assumption was upended, I realized that people prioritized their spending in all sorts of different ways.
I still had the “we can’t afford that” mentality for a long time, probably because there were a lot of things we truly could not afford. We couldn’t afford most houses in our area – a bank would simply refuse to finance mortgages that big for us. We couldn’t afford private schools for our children, at least not at the tuition rates we were seeing. Certainly there are still many houses, and private schools, in San Francisco that we legitimately can’t afford, but I’m recognizing that when I think to myself that I can’t afford something, what I really mean is that I don’t prioritize it.
So then I started to think more about what I was prioritizing, and trying to identify where those priorities were coming from. A little bit of reading later and it became clear that I need identify my core values if I want to make thoughtful choices about how I prioritize my life.
What I didn’t realize when I wrote that post about wealth and privilege and the worth of my words, was that a part of me recognized that with our new financial security, I could no longer blame the parts of my life I wasn’t happy with on outside circumstances. After a decade of feeling like we didn’t have many choices, that life was happening to us instead of us living our lives, that narrative didn’t really make any sense any more. It was easy to believe our choices were drastically limited, but the reality is that we limit them ourselves, with our assumptions, our preconceptions, and our values.
It’s been a weird year for me. I feel adrift, not really unhappy, but definitely not content. Recognizing that I won’t be looking for a new job has forced me to find ways of being happy without a major shift. This is my life, and I need to figure out how to live it in a way that feels both meaningful and sustainable.
I’m going to be doing some work to identify, and then clarify, my core values. I’ll be looking at my goals and trying to figure out what really matters to me, so I can start really living my life, instead of feeling like it’s just happening to me.
Do you know what your core values are? Are they a driving factor in the decisions you make?
Thank you ! For writing this. This is so spot on with what I have been thinking. Last week I realized in fear of failing that I won’t reach my goal or living the ideal life I imagined, I’m not even bothering to try and work honestly with what all I have. I have decided that I will do and make most of with what I have while working for what I want. It doesn’t have to be all or none. I don’t know if I’ll be where I want to be but I will at least move forward.
“We don’t prioritize that” is SUCH an important thing to realize / concept to understand in our society. We’ve had a few friends say that to us about our travels lately – and I know darn well that they have more disposable income than us. We just choose to bank air miles to pay for airfare, vacation days to supplement income while gone, etc. That’s were our priority lies, and that’s okay! Best of luck to you as you figure out that sweet spot where your life feels meaningful and purposeful!
What a topic. It seems to be popping up in many different areas of my world right now. I’d be very interested in knowing what you have been reading that helped you clarify your core values. Which isn’t what you asked.
One lifelong thread/value is about my children and grandchildren as my priority ~ ensuring they are fed/housed/safe/educated*. Endeavoring to reduce the stresses they face as working parents today. Being a positive loving reality and influence in my grands’ lives that know they are adored and loved for who they are. At the end of that long arc is not being a future financial liability for them. Yes, this has absolutely influenced my life and decisions, always.
*educated is more than academics and degrees.
I hope more people will comment on this topic. That you raise it is part of why I appreciate your posts and those who follow you so very much.
I was actually thinking about Jos’s recent post about travel as you wrote about all of this, given she’s outlined how she has been able to make travel a priority for her and her family.
I’m definitely in the camp of not making extensive travel for leisure a priority at the moment, but what I have made a priority is something others think Grey and I are nuts for (moving across country twice in less than 5 years combined with dual career transitions usually has people looking at us funny). It’s not to say it isn’t something I want to prioritize, but for where I am in life at the moment there are other things I’d like to get some grounding on.
Interesting post with a lot to think about. Curious to hear more on your thoughts.
Yep, finding your niche – career and home-wise – is a great priority to have right now! I just realized your blog isn’t showing up in my WP reader. Adding it now. I’ve missed reading you!
I definitely find this to be an interesting topic for a couple of reasons. First, because like you I would NEVER, EVER consider it something I could “afford” if I couldn’t pay it off. My husband has loosened my views on that a teensy bit, but only a teensy bit.
For the other part, it’s interesting to me how many people do prioritize travel. To me, it’s not a priority and never has been. But, I think that’s my upbringing. We never went on vacations when I was a kid. And I do mean never- my mom and I would go to my grandparents every summer for a few days, but other than that? There was never a vacation. My dad did not take vacations. Period. End of Discussion. We had one kind of vacation when he had to go to Hawaii on business and mom and I tagged along. But, we also moved all the time. I went to 13 different schools between kindergarten and graduation. So, maybe that plays into my lack of desire to travel. I’ve always enjoyed it when my husband and I do go, but it’s not something I prioritize.
Our priorities is retirement, and to that end paying off debt. I’m in my 40’s and we paid off our mortgage last year. We regularly pay off our credit card. We don’t have a car payment.
This is so interesting, and so true!! I agree, it’s not always so much what you can or can’t afford as what you prioritize, and different people prioritize different things. Dh & I haven’t travelled as much as we would have liked, outside of going to see my family twice a year (Christmas & a summer visit) — but when we were working, and especially early in our career, we only had a limited amount of vacation time (not to mention funds!), & spending time with my family was & is important to me. I know people who do take lots of trips but haven’t been “home” to see their parents in years. I just couldn’t fathom that, but every family is different…! (Likewise, I find a lot of people who say, “You’re going to Manitoba AGAIN? Why don’t you go to Florida?” have parents who live close by and don’t have to think about these things… they can & do spend their vacation time & money differently.)
Like Chris above, we also made saving for retirement and paying down debt a priority. Whenever we got a raise or a bonus or a tax refund, we’d set aside maybe $100 each to splurge at the bookstore (books are a priority for us, lol !) and put the rest on our credit card &/or towards our mortgage. Doing that, plus paying our mortgage biweekly instead of monthly, we were able to pay it off in 11 years instead of 25. When both of us lost our jobs, we were in a lot better position to just say “screw this” & retire (lol) than many of the people who were laid off along with us. Not having kids was a factor, to be sure, but so was trying to be financially responsible, I think. And once we realized kids were not going to be in the picture, early retirement became a goal for us. It happened sooner than we thought it would, and not at a time of our choosing, but we feel really fortunate that we were in a position to do it when the opportunity came!