Improvement

I got some upsetting and stressful news today (will share later, just don’t have the time and emotional bandwidth to write it down now), right at the end of 1st period.

I was VERY distracted, after the fact. I struggled mightily to reorient myself in my regular day. I actually had my 2nd period watch a movie, because I just didn’t think I could manage teaching an entire class. I also needed to get my grading done once and for all (grades are due tomorrow), and I needed to show the movie at some point anyway, so it was easy to tell myself I had good reasons for throwing my lesson plan out the window and turning on the TV. But really I just couldn’t pull my shit together and teach.

I did manage to get my act together by 3rd period though. I toyed briefly with the idea of having that class watch a movie too, but I knew it didn’t make as much sense for them, so I stuck with what I had planned. And I pulled it together, and switched gears, and re-entered my regular life.

And then I got some great news at the end of 4th period (more on that later as well), and I was super stoked, and I didn’t let the other shitty news taint my elation.

I’m still handling the upsetting and stressful news well too. When I tell myself that there is nothing I can do about right in this moment, so there is no use in running through a litany of what-ifs when all it does is make me miserable, it actually helps me to put the worry down and walk away. I think I’m finally learning how to let the voice of reason prevail. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety is not as intense for some other, totally unrelated reason, and that is allowing me to break out of harmful cycles of unproductive worry. Either way, I SO APPRECIATE being able to manage this is a way that feels appropriate and comfortable (I mean, yes, I’d much rather NOT be dealing

I always assumed I’d be a much happier adult than teenager or twenty-something (those years were ROUGH for me), but I never considered that I would just keep feeling better, more comfortable in my skin, more able to manage difficult situations. I am actually learning from my experiences, and changing in positive ways as I gain perspective. I think my 40s are actually going to be pretty great.