Irritable (or thoughts on my marriage and the division of labor and boundaries in general)

Last night I googled “why am I so grumpy” last night and a lot of posts on irritability came back so I guess I’ve been really irritable lately. That does seem to be the right word.

I suspect part of it is hormonal. My skin is flaring and my breast’s have been (very!) sore. I actually had a little bit of a period a couple weeks ago, which only happens very irregularly (every 3-4 months) these days. So hormones are definitely part of it.

But I also feel really under appreciated and annoyed by people who I perceive to be taking me for granted. My husband and I got into a bit of a tiff on Thursday because it rained hard for most of the school day, but he sent our son in his regular tennis shoes. This annoyed me because I had to go to three Targets last winter to find a pair of rain boots in his size and I made sure this fall they still fit. Just like I made sure his raincoat still fit. Just like I always make sure they have enough of all the different kinds of clothes they need for every season. And just like I make sure their backpacks and other schools supplies are stocked before school starts.

I think one of the reasons our marriage has been so much better since the pandemic is because we recognize and appreciate what each other does more than before. But this is one area where I still feel like he doesn’t really understand the mental energy that goes into making sure everyone has everything they need. I spend a lot invisible time and labor on this and when my husband is like, I forgot to send him in rain boots, oh well! It makes me mad because a pair of his shoes just got ruined from getting wet (they started to smell horrible and I when I tried to wash them he said they stopped fitting right). If I hadn’t just bought him another pair on Black Friday I wold have been furious.

Honestly, we haven’t resolved that argument yet. We’re just not talking about it.

I read recently that couples are most satisfied with each other when they both do some of all the chores (instead of splitting them up by person). I have disagreed with that in the past – I loved that my husband was willing to do all the cooking while I took on other tasks – but I do recognize that I am probably most appreciate of when he does the chores we share, like the dishes and even cooking now (I do a lot more in the kitchen than I used to, though it’s still not much). He has never washed a load of laundry (when I’m out of town his mother comes and gets their laundry!) or cleaned a toilet since we’ve been together. So it does feel like he had no idea what managing those chores (knowing when to do them) and actually doing those chores implies.

And when he started helping me look for and register for camps in the summer, or when he made the kids’ their COVID and flu shot appointments last year (.and TOOK them to said appointments), I was absolutely floored and so, so appreciating. He did it again this year.

And there is more to it right now as well. I’m doing pretty much everything for the kittens (as far as purchasing what they need, which is mostly a lot of food that is available from only two, annoying to get to, pet stores. I feel like that is on me though because I was the one who wanted to get them in November instead of waiting for the winter break. After the new year I’ll be asking for more help on that.

And of course it’s also December, which means our Elf is bringing little advent calendar-esque presents to the kids every day. Which of course means *I* am making sure there are little presents for them every day. And somehow, even though I have a 12.5yo and a 9yo I am still getting no credit for that, because both my kids still seem to believe she is a real entity operating of her own accord.

All this to say I’m probably not defining and upholding my boundaries right now, because when I feel like this about things like these it usually means I’m not maintaining the boundaries to take care of myself.

I think part of the problem is I’ve been sick so much this fall, that my boundaries have changed and I haven’t registered that enough to identify new boundaries and enforce them. Also sometimes I’m just not sure what I need. Every other Friday I’m annoyed that I’ve signed up to assist at the dojo but then every time I’m glad I’ve done it. But maybe I can be glad I did something and still maybe shouldn’t have done it?

I definitely need to make some changes at school. That is where I’ve been feeling most irritable, and it’s spilling over into the rest of my life. I plan to start a new management plan on Monday, and I think that will help.

Wow, such a long post (that I wrote on my phone!) Time to get up and start some laundry.