Well it’s June. The month of May absolutely steam rolled me, and now I’m in that weird place where work isn’t so hard, but I still have to do it (until next Friday! WHY!?). I’m decompressing from the insanity that was May, but I still need to hold it together for the final weeks of school, my kids finishing their school year (yesterday was their last day), my husband being out of town, my daughter’s actual birthday, the first weeks of camps… the list goes on. I feel like I’m finally coming up for air and I’m not quite sure where I am or what I’m doing.
Mostly I can’t figure out what I want to be doing. I feel adrift, unfocused. I’m really struggling to feel anchored, to find meaning in whatever task is before me. I just feel… I don’t know. Adrift? Distracted? A lot of the time I kind of feel like my mind is racing, like I can’t get comfortable inside myself.
I have been struggling in my reading life. I can’t find a podcast that I really want to listen to. My Spanish audiobook is good enough that I won’t quit it outright, but I never really want to turn it on. I had already read last month’s book club book and I’m on (several) wait lists for next month’s, which I don’t need to finish until mid-August. I can’t really find a show I want to watch (binging season 11 of Vanderpump was the absolute best). I don’t know, nothing is hold my interest.
And there have been some wins! And they have made me happy! Returning to running has been great. The morning after my daughter’s party I mopped all the floors because all the cat stuff was still downstairs and it felt like I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get it done with so much of their junk out of the way. It felt so good to get that done! I have a Shutterfly coupon that expires in mid-June so I didn’t have to get the whole photo book done Memorial Day weekend, and could really enjoy our date days. Yesterday my son wanted to stay at aftercare and I only had an extra 70 minutes but I got home, picked a 45 minutes strength training video and finished it with plenty of time to pick him up. It had a lot of lower body work I’ve been avoiding and felt great. I wasn’t even supposed to workout, but was so proud of myself for using that pocket of time so productively.
I even had maybe the best parent meeting of my 20 year career yesterday. This parent said every single thing I’ve ever wished a parent would say. It was so validating.
And yet… after the initial high of the thing that makes me happy, I’m right back in the mind-buzzing feeling of, but what now?
Yesterday I ended up with another couple unexpected hours of alone time when both my kids were invited to friends’ houses for end-of-year events, and I was almost paralyzed by the prospect of making good use of the time. What should I do? What did I want to do? I was totally freaking out that I was going to waste these precious hours. Should I work out again? Work on the photo book? Get some work done? Get a massage? Meet up with friends? The experience was honestly a little excruciating.
I was realizing that I almost never have time like this on a weekday evening. I had to look at weekends to contemplate how I normally figure out what I want to do. But on a normal weekend I figure out what I want to do within the confines of the family landscape. What activities do kids have? Where are they? Where do I need to be driving and when? How will be spend meaningful time together? What work do I have to do? What work would I appreciate getting done? What work outs do I want to squeeze in and when and where will I do them? But to just have this kind of time? To spend how I’d like? When I ask that question, all I see and hear is static.
Why is articulating what I actually want so hard for me right now?
I’m assuming it’s because of how crazy May was, how crazy this whole school year was. The decompression is real and I just have to get through it.
I have identified some of the aspects of this year that were too much and that I have control over next year: too much travel (Universal Studios, camping at Pinnacles, Mexico City, camping at Joshua Tree), free reading program was really hard to run with so many students, the giant reorganization overhaul at home was time-consuming and stressful, ditto testing at the dojo. I’ve also identified some that I have some control over, but feel more intractable: driving the kids to activities, managing the behavior of larger classes, getting better sleep, holding down the fort while my husband travels. Finally there are things I can’t control: the ways perimenopause makes me feel, my husband’s mental health, whether or not I get injured, how/when/why my kids struggle.
I was dealing with all of those things this year and it never felt like I had the margins I needed. I am supremely grateful that I was able to continue exercising through my knee injury, that my perimenopause symptoms are mild most of the time, that my kids have been pretty happy, over all. My husband’s mental health is never great, but it’s not always awful either. The house is in better shape than it has been for a while, even if I can’t keep it where I ultimately want it. I got to stay with my cohort at the dojo, despite my injury. Seriously, I have so much to be thankful for, and yet things have been really hard. Both can be true. And I can be decompressing from everything that was hard, even as I appreciate everything that went well.
In the end I made it through those hours on Tuesday evening avoiding regret. I wrote this blog post. I created a google forms test for our final unit (Telling Time) so it will correct itself right after they take it. I watched a little Netflix. I hung out with my daughter a bit. It was a lovely respite, and I was able to enjoy it more when I remembered that in a couple weeks I’ll have more of these.
Summer is just around the corner. Hopefully by the time it’s here I’ll be more fully decompressed.
Saaaaaaame! I complain about my job sometimes but now that summer is upon us, I feel like I have to find an activity, or a job to keep me grounded. Otherwise I will all be up in my head and get depressed. How is that possible?? I need either a project, or a small part-time, or a hobby. I am not good with sitting and contemplating all day.
I figured you’d understand. Some of your recent posts have had me nodding my head. Ours is an intense job. We have to be so on, all day long. And then suddenly we get this extended break – which is so deeply needed – but also hard to know what to do with sometimes. I hope you find some peace this summer, sooner rather than later.
I think you’ve been in crisis mode for so long, it’s like your brain doesn’t know what to do now. My husband is also going through it (and he’s also a teacher, hmmm!) but he’ll be better when he’s had some time to decompress. Hopefully you will too! You just need school to be officially done and get into summer mode.
Glad to hear you’ve started running again and it’s going well!!!
I do think teachers are so “on” all school year that we need a little extra time to decompress. It’s not just that we’re working, but we’re working in front of dozens of young people who require so much from us. It’s a lot.
When people are running as hard as you have been, their stress hormones go out of wack. It takes time, more than we expect, to stop that hormonal push, to re-calibrate your body, re-calibrate your mind, reset your spirit and demands/expectations to a more normal, balanced, kinder to you in all ways, mode of life. I think the time needs to be counted in yearly quarters….which is why it takes so long in retirement for anyone in a deeply stressful job to relax into being retired. Ask your retired family members.
Sounds like you really are doing well and managing lots of tough balls in the air. Hope you can get to a point where you have regular household cleaning summer and keep it happening all of the next school year. Thrilled you are really analysing your school year activity and considering how to simplify the demands on your time and your life. Fingers Crossed. PS: Remembering how fall of 2023 was easier for the prepwork you had done in June 2023. Hope same happens this year.
PILES of support and praise to you and your generation of women!
I had to go back and look at what I did last year to save fall-me from disaster! I was kind of freaked out. Should I be doing something right now?! It was my procedures slide deck, which I don’t need to do again, but I really should revamp my syllabus slide deck, especially since I’m planning on changing my late work grading policy. So thank you for that reminder!
I almost feel the opposite (but we’re already in summer break!). Juggling the school year feels tough – summer somehow so much easier, though I can’t quite articulate why since my husband and I both still work/my kids are in camp during normal school time. Anyway, there already seemed to be extra free time so I just let my kids each add an activity (basketball and singing lessons). It staying lighter outside longer definitely helps, both with my mood and feeling like we can still be out and about/it’s not time yet to hunker down for the night. And I finally got some help at work which means I am working less and sleeping more and boy does sleep help! All that to say that I RELISH “finding” extra time and am never at a loss for how to spend it!
Man, I wish I could get better at it. I do think it’s mostly when I’m alone at home, which almost NEVER happens, that I really freak out. I don’t want to “waste” that time, but it can be hard to know what to do with it. I’ll probably get good at the end of the summer… right when I go back to work.
I think it’s hard to “slam on the brakes’ metaphorically speaking when you’ve been “go, go, go” for a long time. It’s like you need to decompress but you’re also so used to getting it all done in the confines of 24-hours that there was not much room to actually think. I hope you’ll find some relaxation and decompression in the next month.
Yes. And weirdly, when I have more time I struggle SO MUCH MORE to actually get stuff done during that time. I’ve been scrambling at work all week because I’m not doing basic tasks at night, or even in the morning before my classes start. It’s not great.