Mental Meanderings

I’m assuming this post will be all over the place. Because that is where my brain is at.

I’m currently on the elliptical. My kids are on the pullout couch bed next to me, reading. I pulled the couch bed out this morning because tomorrow my husband and I need to sleep on it (we have friends staying over) and I figured I might as well let the kids hang out on it for a couple days. We had it out for a week during our Covid quarantine, so it brings back memories of lazy days. It’s also just a little different, and sometimes that can go a long way.

This morning they played video games on it. For several hours. It’s raining outside and I declared it a “stay home and chill day,” which we all need. I’m getting the house ready for our friends to stay over. This means a big(gish) clean – vacuuming under the furniture and such. The good news is the upstairs was already in good shape (thank you kittens!) and the kids’ rooms don’t have to be presentable (thank you doors!). The other good news is the downstairs really needed it, so I’m glad I have a reason to get it done.

Our house is not very big, but it’s honestly all I can manage. I still sometimes read the blogs of other women who posts shots of their sprawling common areas, and beautiful master bed suites and get a pang of jealousy, but it usually passes pretty quickly because I know I couldn’t manage spaces like that. I’m sure those people have other people come and clean their spaces for them, and I aspire to one day have regular housecleaning services help me out, but even with help like that I know I couldn’t manage a 2,000 square foot home, let alone something in the 3,000+ square foot range. Our house is plenty big for our family and it’s plenty big for me and I honestly no longer understand the desire for more.

I’m sure it helps that my friends all have houses about the same size as mine. We all make about the same amount of money too. It makes things easy. It’s easy to relate to each other when we’re all coming from a common place. I think part of why I like to read blogs so much is to get an idea of what it’s like to live in a different way – a different part of the country, with different weather and cost of living. It’s also really interesting to read about what other jobs are like (my close friends and I all work for the feds, state or city so even that is, in the end, pretty similar).

I was just thinking it would be cool if there were a database of blogs that you could search across different aspects of one’s life. Geography. Profession. Income. With kids or without. Single or co-habitating. I wonder what I would specifically search for if I had the choice? Honestly, at this point it’s so hard to find any new blogs to follow, I’d probably want to read them all.

And… it’s taken me way more paragraphs than I expected to go there, but I can’t not write about it. My friend, the one who is having a mental health crisis, won their right to refuse medical advice and treatment. They were released yesterday morning. They are basically just as bad off as they were exactly one week ago when the crisis began. Why it was determined they are not a danger to themselves or others is beyond my comprehension. They are still hearing voices. They are still sure the End of Days is coming. They don’t even remember information about our shared past together accurately. It’s heartbreaking to see it happen. It’s heartbreaking to talk to them and ask to see them and be told, maybe in a few days. It’s heartbreaking to hear how scary their reality is.

It’s hard. Hard not to be able to help. Hard to start putting things in motion for someone to watch my kids, only to realize it’s not necessary. At it’s least upsetting it’s disruptive and distracting. At it’s most upsetting it’s sob-inducing. But life goes on and there is nothing I can do. I’m the only one of his friends and family in the area though, so I’m left shouldering a lot.

The friend who is staying over tomorrow is one of their friends and I’m so relieved to have someone here who understands how hard this is. It’s been putting a big strain on my marriage (I want to write another post about how different people process the mental health crises of others later), and I know having my other friend here will be like having a salve for my soul. I think this friend feels the same way (and that all of this is straining their relationship in similar ways).

But since I can’t do much except try to push away the feelings of hopelessness and grief, I clean my house and tend to my children. The new year is coming and I know it’s a time of looking forward and planning and setting goals. And I want to do all that, but I also can’t right now. I just don’t have the mental capacity. Instead I’m trying to focus on what I need and giving myself those things. I’m also asking for help.

I do think one thing I want to focus on in 2023 is asking for help, specifically from my family. Yesterday my kids helped me clean out my car, and honestly they did the heavy lifting themselves. They vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the rubber foot mats to my satisfaction (and then some). My son can legitimately clean the upstairs toilet and my daughter empties the dishwasher every time (among other things). There are more things they can do (and already do), and I’m going to start having them do more (and not follow along after them doing things again). I’ve already talked to them about a couple kitten-related chores I need them to start managing. My husband is also willing to take on more around the house, and I’m brainstorming a list of tasks to hand over to him (at his request).

I’m also going to put reminders on their tablets, so they will hopefully do them without me asking. The biggest barrier to my kids helping around the house is the nagging needed to have them do it. We definitely need better systems in place to make their tasks habits.

I started to write about other things I want to focus on in 2023, but I think I have enough for a separate post and since this post was already two or three different posts mashed into one, I’ll stop here.

Sending warm thoughts into the world. For my friend, and anyone else who is lost and hurting right now.