I wrote a really bummer post earlier this week. I’ve been struggling with a level of anxiety I am not used to and I haven’t been managing it very well. Everything felt like way too much and I was collapsing under the weight of it.
But I’m not going to post that because we all have enough bummer stuff going on in our lives and in our minds and no one needs a dose of my unique brand of sadness.
All that to say I’m not doing great. But I can’t really point to anything specific in my life that is worse than it was before. We’re all living through the nightmare that is the current political situation. We’re all 10 months into this horrifying pandemic. We’re all managing our upturned lives with as much grace as we can manage (though it certainly seems some people’s lives are a lot less upturned).
And as is usually the case, I’m fairing all these hardships better that most. I really have no reason to be struggling any more than anyone else is.
Maybe I’m not – maybe we’re all having this hard a time. I wouldn’t be surprised.
I’ve abandoned any hope of the vaccine making things easier anytime soon. California is 43rd in distributing the vaccine per capita (this might surprise people but California has a long history of not taking advantage of it’s resources (we are still ranked 48th in spending per student in the country when our economy is the FIFTH LARGEST IN THE WORLD)). So yeah, California likes to think it’s the shit, but we fuck plenty of shit up and it looks like we’re fucking this up too. (We thought we were smarter than this virus and now we’re learning that is absolutely not the case).
It’s true that teachers are included in the next phase of vaccine distribution but so are people over 75, agricultural and food processing workers, grocery story employees and others, so basically a shit ton of people. I can’t imagine I’ll be getting the call anytime soon (I have no idea how or from whom I will get the call – I live in a different city and county than the district I teach in so maybe that will complicate things?) Even if I do get it relatively soon, no on in my family will be vaccinated so I could still give it to them.
I have read some articles that some teachers don’t want to return even if they have been vaccinated (because they could bring the virus home to their families). If that is the case, then I hope the state is identifying the districts whose unions are willing to go back, and only offering it to them, before they vaccinate any teachers. Teachers who are NOT going back to the classroom should NOT be vaccinated before others. The last thing this profession needs is a bunch of us getting vaccinated and then still refusing to return to the classroom, and I can totally see that happening because no one knows WHAT they are doing and I absolutely believe districts would take advantage of the line-jumping even if they knew their teachers wouldn’t go back.
I will obviously get vaccinated, but I honestly don’t think it will be offered to me before the summer. Our district is going back as soon as we’re in the red again (second highest covid-risk tier), but with way our numbers are right I doubt that will be any time before late March or early April. Maybe not until May. My kids will not be going back at all this year.
There really is no end in sight. I mean we know at this point things will look more normal, eventually, but it could be a really, really long time from now before they do. If kids can’t get vaccinated, and people who are vaccinated can pass the virus along to others, it will be a really, really long time before things look normal again.
It’s been 10 months of this and I have to admit, I am hitting the wall. Hard.
(And this is the post I put up in PLACE of the downer post.)
How are you doing these days? Do you think the vaccine is going to make things better any time soon?
Thank you for writing this. I am in a similar place and don’t totally understand why. It’s been so so long. I’m so isolated. My kids are struggling and we can’t even get outside reliably right now because of the weather and the outdoor play dates we occasionally managed in the summer and fall are not happening. And probably won’t for more than another month. I’m SO disappointed with vaccine roll out in our area. I thought I had realistic expectations but apparently not – I live I a wealthy well educated area and it’s going so slowly. I thought we would do this well. I don’t understand. I have given up on in person school this year and cry periodically about how terrible this is for my oldest in particular. Sorry if it’s terrible but it helps a little to know others are struggling. So many people seem to be ok, probably because they are wildly ignoring all public health guidelines but I’m SO not ok.
I’m sorry you are also struggling. It had been so, so long and it’s so hard to know that things are worse now than they have ever been, but people’s actions suggest the opposite. We clearly don’t have it in us as a society to do this and now we are all screwed. And those of us doing the right thing are seem to be having the hardest time and that makes it even harder.
When I read about families that still have their nannies coming over and still have their kids in school… it’s just hard to know other people’s lives are almost normal and our life is still stuck in lock down.
Mentally I’m in a very similar place. Georgia is LAST in vaccine distribution BUT they opened to 65 and older Monday and – after a lot of searching – I was able to find a place and get my mom in for her vaccine yesterday with a second shot scheduled for February 11. She lives with us and if we can just make it to February 21 (ten days past the 2nd vaccine) then I will consider all these months of lock-down for my family worth it. Obviously I want myself/husband/kids vaccinated too but even if our luck runs out before then, as long as we were able to keep my mom safe long enough, I will consider it a win.
*Also, I know a lot of my stress is politically-driven. I cannot wait until this time next week because the anxiety over what might happen between now and then is crushing.
I’m so glad you got your mom in for the vaccine. My parents are almost 70 but there has been no talk of roll our for them up here. I’m honestly worried that once they get it they will go back to life as normal and then not understand why we still won’t see them. They will almost certainly fly to St. Louis to see their family immediately (they bought tickets to go there in October and I had to talk them out of it!) I will be relieved for their safety when they get it but it will absolutely complicate my relationship with them even more.
And yes, the stress about the political situation right now, and what might happen before, or especially on, Wednesday is awful. I really don’t know how to manage it.
Yeah, we’ve been talking about this for months at the clinic. It seems like a big portion of the country was hanging their hats on the vaccine becoming available like it was a holy grail, but it’s been very clear for a long time that wasn’t some “get out of jail free” card for the country in any way, shape or form.
Since they haven’t yet determined if vaccinated people can still carry/spread it, pregnant women aren’t recommended to get it, it’s not yet tested on kids, and a large swath of people are either wary of this particular vaccine (be it side effects, long term efficacy, or something else entirely) or else they’re on the conspiracy theory bandwagon (two TOTALLY different groups mind you)…yeah, this vaccine isn’t like to make a huge difference any time soon.
Add to that the distribution issues that people love to blame on Trump … well, it’s a mess. I hope I’m wrong and that having Biden in office will someone fix all of the individual state and county distribution & administration issues, but I just don’t see how that is possible. A roll out of this scope has NEVER happened before in the history of our country, and I think people keep forgetting that fact.
In my county, we’ve administered to 4% of our population thus far (so medical workers, first responders, etc. have theirs and they’re beginning on the 70+ population per CO guidelines), but it’s at a standstill right now because we don’t have any more vaccines to administer.
Honestly, I got my first shot (Moderna) last week, and I got sick as hell from it. Two days of missed work, unable to get out of bed, worse symptoms than when I actually had COVID. Now I’m terrified for the 2nd one, but I’ll get it anyway on 2/2. They think it was worse because I had COVID in June and 7 months later apparently still had antibodies so my body attacked it hard, but damn. Not fun.
What a mess.
I’m sorry the vaccine made you so sick. SHU had a similar experience with her second dose after already having covid – just anecdotal but in support of what others said about your past positive making your reaction bad.
I for one never thought the vaccine would be a panacea. This was the one area in which I was more pessimistic than my husband, and he just admitted last night that I was right and he was wrong (he though he would be vaccinated by summer but now he doesn’t think it will happen until the late fall). So I’m not surprised, but I’m still sad and disappointed.
Yes, I’m starting to see a lot of articles warning it’s nowhere near over. Last year initially I thought by now we’d be in a good place. Then I was skeptical the vaccine could be created so fast. Then pleasantly surprised it was, and thinking by spring it would be mostly over. Then the reality that kids aren’t even in line yet to get a vaccine. Surging cases and many deaths every day. I’m wondering if it will even be safe to travel in 2022 or 2023.
I disagree on the teacher thing—I don’t blame those unions at all, and I would still let them get the vaccine as scheduled. The more people the better, and then when it is actually safe to open schools (a lot later than Newsom’s plans, IMO), they’d be ready to go.
My husband and I both got the Shingrix vaccine. We both unexpectedly got very ill that evening– – chills, fever, felt like we had a terrible flu. But it only lasted about 24 hours. This happened with both doses. I researched this a little bit and found that this is a fairly common reaction to Shingrix. It sounds like many people will also have a similar reaction to the Covid vaccine. I hope this doesn’t deter people b/c it’s a temporary immune response and covid is much worse. I’m kind of torn on whether this should be more publicized or not – – would it be better to warn people more so they’re not surprised? Or would that deter people from getting it?
I think if teachers get to jump the line to vaccinated, and then refuse to go back despite being vaccinated people will be PISSED. And people are already pissed enough at teachers right now. I just don’t think that is a prudent move for a profession that is already looked down on when things are normal and despised when there is a crisis like this.
Seeing how badly California is faring right now, even though the state officials were relaying the right messages and instituting the right policies and that even in places where local government officials were relaying the right messages and instituting the right policies it’s gotten as bad as in the Dakotas where no one wore masks or followed any public health guidelines. I mean playgrounds weren’t open here until October and even county parks were closed to hiking for two months and now you can still shop in a mall? When numbers are way crazier than back when the malls were closed? It just shows that without federal assistance states can’t do what they need to do.
I don’t know. Maybe this virus can’t be beaten into submission. Even China is seeing a resurgence. Maybe there is nothing we can do but vaccinate.
I do see your point. I wonder though how the vaccine provider could even keep track of what union someone is in. Locally there was a bit of a scandal here because some healthcare workers shared emails which allowed some people that shouldn’t have been getting vaccines yet to get one.
I think the governor really screwed up by opening up too fast starting back last May, bucking under pressure. I feel like he’s doing the same right now with his plan to open schools. I just read the new guidance issued today and that’s a hard no for my kids. Also, despite how blue our state is there are a lot of Covid deniers and maskless idiots. Plus people still gathering at the holidays, traveling, etc. So yeah we’re ending up like Arizona or the Dakotas.
I read a news article yesterday about how California meant well re: keeping people out of hospitals to save $, reduce risk of infection, etc. by encouraging doing things like knee surgery, etc. in ambulatory center, but it’s resulted in us having such a low hospital bed per capita number. That’s part of the problem too.
SO tired. Tired of fear of fire, fear of political violence, tired of the games being played at high levels to make a new administration have lots more problems, fear that someone will instigate more violence again in more public locations, fear the tantrum thrower will drop bombs in addition to trying to create political uproar internationally, fear of covid and an unpleasant death, fear a grandchild will be orphaned by this disease that was deliberately spread, fear of what the greedy have done to climate and today’s generation of children’s future. TIRED OF FEAR.
IF/when I can get vaccine (1b ancient and risks) I know it means no change to masks, distances, seeing family or friends …. but maybe less terror at having to get groceries with double masks and gloves. I want vaccine anyway. Wish people who refuse masks would be at back of line but do not see that happening. Do not see age or medical condition getting any priority. Not a reasonable situation. AND, I understand the rich are absolutely using their money to jump lines.
OH HEAVENS!!!!! Now an earthquake too!!!!!!!!!! Right now.
THANK YOU for posting. It helped to ‘hear’ your voice. And I understand why and how you are having a hard time with everything.
PS: Call your teaching district and ask how they are getting teachers vaccines. Squeek politely on the subject. Good wishes.
I agree that rollout has been a mess. We have home health nursing and our home health nurse had to basically crowdsource where she could get a vaccine. She hit the lottery and got a same day cancellation so she has had her first dose and has her second dose scheduled. I agree that it is going to take a long time before those of us who are being responsible can see real change, but if vaccines can drive the R0 below 1.0, things will get safer. I refuse to get my hopes up about when that might be, but at least there is hope now.
That is the hope isn’t it? That the vaccine will drive down the RO so that even those who are not yet vaccinated are safer. I hope that happens sooner than I am expecting.
I’ve also had the same thought about teachers getting vaccinated and not returning to school but given the logistical issues raised by this vaccine maybe we will just have to accept that some people will get it who are less vulnerable than those who will get it after. At the beginning, when it was janitors and ER doctors and critical care nurses getting the vaccine, it was easy to rally around them. But when I see pictures on social media of therapists who have no intention of returning to in person private practice, hospital administrators, hospital fundraisers, etc getting the vaccine it’s hard not to feel angry and I don’t really feel like celebrating them! They aren’t any more noble or vulnerable than I am (not to mention my elderly relatives). So yeah, it will be hard for me to rally around teachers who won’t do in person learning getting vaccinated. I guess this is a danger of doing it based on occupation — there is a lot of variation within a profession with regard to exposure and it has the effect of elevating some jobs over others. Gosh, I really wish more CA counties would just open it up to the elderly already! Why are they insisting on vaccinating every single zoom speech therapist before 80 year olds with heart conditions?
This has been a really hard week. It’s hard for everyone. Some days I think I’m handling it and other days I’m spiraling.
One of my dear friends is a nurse who ONLY does chart review from home and she got a vaccine through her company weeks ago. I was… annoyed(? I’m not sure that’s exactly right) at first but then I thought about how if we lost too many patient-facing nurses to COIVD – because of course there are plenty of nurses who are refusing the vaccine – there could be a day, perhaps sooner than we’d imagine, when she’s “called in” and HAS to work with COVID-positive patients in which case I absolutely want her vaccinated. Also, I feel like the general population looks to healthcare providers for advice on vaccinations and thus every one who can say they got it and are fine after helps the overall cause. Those two thoughts helped me with my confused feelings about it…
I have a family member who is affiliated with (read paid by) a hospital system, who is not a health care provider and has been working virtually the entire pandemic. She was one of the first people I knew to be vaccinated, ahead of another relative in a different state who has been actively working with patients the without pause despite known risk factors. Her job would be MUCH better done in person but there doesn’t seem to be any expectations that she will be back despite getting vaccinated. I am trying to be frustrated by the insanity of the system rather than getting upset at any one person. And also realizing that this is not going to be perfect and getting shots in arms is the most important thing so we have to accept some things that don’t seem to be exactly right. But yes it is frustrating to see people being given priority and then kind of not living up to it.
This has been a very difficult week, and from what I have gleaned from talking to other coworkers and friends, we are all feeling it, so you are not alone. NC is 41st in vaccine distribution, so hanging out with California in low achievement. Hopefully next week is better. Maybe?!
And, now it is admitted that, once again, Team T LIED!!!! There WERE NO VACCINES HELD IN RESERVE to be distributed. The pure stupidity of such a lie ……….. I will always remember, my grandchildren will remember every time there is an election, and they will have decades of voting.
Taking deep breath. Maybe things will improve.
Today I now see blue skies, it is not cold here (which is a climate change warning sign of TROUBLE!), I have shelter, running water, heat, food. I am lucky.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. It’s been so long since the pandemic started, and I. an relate to the feeling of – when the hell will this end!! For me, I sense a turning of the tide, but it’s slow, so slow. Hang in there.
I feel like you do- like there’s no end in sight. But, I also know the vaccine will make a difference once enough people get it, and on a personal note, my husband will stop making me feel like a prisoner in our home one he gets the vaccine (he’s diabetic so will be getting it sooner than the rest of us). And after a year of being in the house all the time and not seeing people? That’s really all I care about- I don’t miss movies, I can live with just doing take out, but not seeing my people is killing my mental health.
I’m hitting a wall today, mentally and emotionally. I’m not sure there’s any way out of that except by going through, and so we will. But it sucks.
I am glad that some family members have been vaccinated, across a few states, though we aren’t anywhere near that ourselves.
I’m sorry that you were feeling so low and hope that maybe after 1/20 with Biden now in charge you are feeling a bit more hopeful? I know that I am. Someone competent in the White House that will put together an actual PLAN for vaccine distribution instead of leaving it up to the states. One thing that I think we ALL need to remember is that this is the first time our country is gearing up for a mass vaccination event, with depleted public health departments across the country. Kinks will start to get worked out and it will get better.