My life feels unmanageable, but I have refused to believe that there isn’t something I can do to make it better. I have a lot of control over what I teach, and how I teach it, and I feel there have to be choices I can make that create less work for me. I thought I had made those choices this week, and Wednesday things actually felt very manageable. I didn’t feel like I was putting out work fires all day, or racing the clock to get things done. I was able to help my son do his work, and my daughter and I even took a walk to get bubble tea.
But then today I realized I had forgotten to finalize some lesson plans, and actually it was two sets of lesson plans because my one class is really at two completely different levels (two of the kids should really move down a level but their parents refuse (they are brothers) so I have basically an extra class worth of content to create right now, and I also have to figure out when to actually teach it to these kids, since I’m spending my class time teaching the other 27 kids in the class). So today was one of those days where I was perpetually behind, trying to eat my lunch in the seven minutes before my 1:30 class started, totally overwhelmed and frazzled and in the weeds every minute.
And of course my kids still needed me. My son is SO BORED all day long. He finished his work quickly (which honestly doesn’t bother me because the only thing worse than him being bored is him having to do school work). I don’t know what to have him do. He reads some, and listens to podcasts, and plays with his toys, but there are A LOT of hours to kill in a day and I don’t have a lot to offer him. The program at our dojo took a two week break and it’s been the longest two weeks of the school year. My daughter is super moody, barking NO at me constantly and speaking to me in the most blood boiling tones. She asks for help but then balks when I give it. She is not very pleasant to be around and it’s really hard managing her mood swings. Today I had to deal with her screaming through tears at me about finishing a math test THREE MINUTES before I had to go engage 30 middle schoolers on Zoom. Those are the transitions that totally destroy me.
So I don’t know. Maybe I can’t really make significant changes to my life so that things feel easier. I am trying to work full time while making sure my kids are doing their school work, and also just managing them being home even when they are done with their school work. I am dealing with an introverted husband who just wants to be alone but can’t find any solitude and is anxious and depressed about the state of everything. I never see my friends because they are all managing the same insanity, many of them without a spouse to support them. And soon the delicate balance that is at least allowing us to get through the days will be shot to shit when I have to return to my classroom.
Our union did end up meeting with the district and a CTA (state-level union) representative informed them that our district can require we return to campus, as long as they provide safe working conditions. Somehow our MOU is not enough to ensure we can choose where we teach from.
So it looks like in mid-November I have to start teaching from my classroom. This is so that I can familiarize myself with the safety protocols enough to be able to bring students back, something they anticipate doing at the middle school level in FEBRUARY OR MARCH. So yeah, I guess I need 2-3 months of teaching from my room to be ready to handle students coming back… so stupid.
I have to say, selfishly, the idea of teaching from my classroom is pretty amazing. Eight hours of uninterrupted time to work in a quiet room… yes please! But it will be a disaster for my family. My husband will absolutely lose his mind.
I cried about it for a couple days (and realized I have not been taking my magnesium, which I remedied) then I started planning. There are still a lot of details I’m not sure of, like if I really have to go in every day (I’m hoping not). I do think I could make three days a week in my classroom work well enough. One day I go to work without the kids (hopefully my husband takes that day off – he hates work right now and would be okay taking off a day a week), one day I go and bring them with me and we make it work (it will be awful but it will be one day). Then one day I take them and my parents pick them up for a few hours. This would be doable. If I do have to be there every day, I really don’t know how we can make it work without everyone being significantly more unhappy. So right now I’m going to focus on my plan, which may work.
And I guess I’m going to accept that there isn’t much I can do to make any of this more manageable. I am teaching 150 kids remotely and it takes a shit ton of time to make that work, and my kids need my attention and my husband needs my support, so it’s going to be hard and I’m just going to have to muddle through. Accepting that might be the best way to get through this.
I feel this so much. Teachers are carrying incredible loads right now. We started the school year virtual for 2 weeks this year (I’m teaching at the high school connected to the K-8 my kids attend) and then went to in person with masks and distancing. The second situation is so exhausting. Virtual only worked for us because we hired someone to accompany our kids + 3 more in a little mini-pod at our house. It was expensive, but we could do it for a few weeks.
A friend of my said “forgive yourself for never having taught and parented during a pandemic before.” Even though there are a lot of things in our control, there are a LOT of things that are not.
Easy for me to say but no way would I be making a completely additional set of lesson plans for those two kids. Once the kids start struggling and their grades go down, the parents might have an incentive to move them into the correct level.
I totally hear what you are saying – and I think I finally got them to a place where I can see if they will sink or swim on this stuff and then yeah, their grades will suffer if they can’t keep up. It’s hard because they are at the other middle school and they had a totally ineffectual teacher last year who didn’t do anything with them. They also have 504s so I have to be careful with the line I walk because they are entitled to certain supports. I’m hoping they do move to the other class because it’s absolutely where they should be and they would get more out of it, but in my district a lot of times parents have the final say. Sucks.
I was going to say the same thing. I can see how the 504 complicates it but I would do the minimum possible, even if it isn’t enough.
So your husband will be stepping up, a lot, for one day. Leaving 4 days. One day they go to your classroom. One day your parents are stepping in with their time and risk of exposure. You hope two days you can work from home.
Your in-laws, for reasons, are being super quarantined and cannot help in person. MIGHT your husband ask them to assist with costs to hire a person for 4 hours a day two days a week (or some such) to help the children be independent so you & spouse stay employed? Maybe a person who speaks Spanish ….. maybe someone who lost their prior employment. Your husband would have to make the request, I have no idea if your in-laws are able to make such a gift for their grandchildren.
It is a highly problematic situation. On the positive side it does look like you are currently not being pushed into teaching or sending your children to a school with no masking requirements, no testing availability, and situations where parents are knowingly sending covid infected students to school with no repercussions because … . It does not help that it COULD be worse. Very supportive of your plan and hope it can work!
((HUGS)) my friend. That sounds SO HARD.
Not a teacher but I feel this post in my bones. I’m in public relations for a health system and my job has been full speed ahead since COVID – great job security but as a single mom with all of the schooling complications it’s close to breaking me. I just had to talk myself out of a massive panic attack because of everything. I’ve decided my job simply HAS to be 8:30-5 and no more bleeding into the evening and if I get laid off for that decision, well, we will figure it out. Right now it feels like everything is failing and it’s an awful, awful feeling.
Sending you support. Very very hard times. Hope you can keep job from bleeding into your family.
Wishing that for all families.