Not a Wasted Word

I’ve have an idea of why I’ve been so unsettled this week. Hormones are definitely a mixer in this cocktail of murky emotions, but it’s not the strongest spirit. It’s actually uncertainty that is driving this increasingly less vague and more intense unsettled feeling.

First there was my jury summons. Every day I had to leave my classroom ready-ish for a sub because I couldn’t call to confirm my reporting status until 4:30, which is too late to stay at school. Every day I was wondering if I’d be back the next morning, or writing plans for someone else to take my classes.

Then there is the rain, which we desperately need, but which we aren’t at all ready for. (Californians are never ready for rain, and we aren’t very good at planning around the possibility of it.) Will my son’s after-soccer pizza party be cancelled? Will his mini-golf party on Saturday get moved to my garage (and if so, what will we do with our “rain checks” for mini-golf and the cabana)? I don’t even really care about anything being cancelled – though I’ll be annoyed to have to find a time to use my “rain check” credits later – and I assume my son will be fine as long as he gets to celebrate in some way, but the not knowing is stressful.

The reality is I was planning for possible contingencies, but the in-my-face uncertainty was still stressing me out. I felt unsettled emotionally because, well, my life felt unsettled logistically.

I learned today at 4:31pm that I have been officially excused from jury service. I get to finish up the week tomorrow in my classroom. And the mom who was co-hosting the after-soccer birthday party decided that there were too many moving parts with a school event and the possibility of rain so we’re pushing that to next Friday (on her son’s birthday, which is when I wanted it to be originally). So now it’s just the Saturday party I have to worry about, but honestly as long as the need to cancel is relatively obvious, I won’t be upset if it gets rained out (and into our garage). Suddenly all the uncertainty I’ve been managing has dissipated. I think, after a couple of days of detox, I’ll feel much better. I’ve learned to live with a higher level of uncertainty that ever before, what with a simple sniffle sending everything into a tailspin, but I guess I still have hard limits on what I can handle.

In the meantime my son turns 8 tomorrow. He’s really excited for his birthday, and I’m really excited for his birthday celebrations to be behind us. Both of us will be happy campers on Sunday night.

My mood has been murky lately. I’ve stopped reading the news because the headlines are not helping. I’m trying to spend the time I used lurk on the NYT or WaPo apps reading real books and I’m kind of succeeding. And it’s kind of helping.

I can’t really figure out how I feel. It’s frustrating, but I’ve learned to fight it less and just ride with it. Eventually things will sort themselves out and, inexplicably, I will feel better again. Things will be clearer, and will make more sense; I can’t fathom how in this moment, but I can trust past experience enough to know that it’s true. It’s nice to recognize that I’ve actually learned from all the hard shit in my life. Or at least some of it. I am better equipped to deal with my specific brand of hard, and I really appreciate that. At least it wasn’t all for nothing.

I have been worried that my history of mental health struggles would put me at greater risk for increased mental health struggles during perimenopause. Maybe my moods will fluctuate more enthusiastically, but I will also be better prepared to manage the enthusiasm. Maybe it ends up in a wash.

Today I was in a real funk, and I hadn’t really planned out when I was going to work (this is proof positive of what a funk I was in – I ALWAYS plan when I’m going to fit in my work out), so I ended up having to start at 9pm. It sucked and was really hard, but in the end I felt so much better for it. I put on one of the PiYo videos I was doing during the really early days of the pandemic (I found a old DVD set I bought on Craigslist years before, and just went for it) and it was like visiting an old friend. Is that weird? pathetic? It’s not like I love the banter or the music or anything (the music is pretty shit) but my body recognized the movements and it put me in a better mood.

Can’t argue with that, really, so I’m not going to.

The fog in the mornings has been beautiful. Just breathtaking. Some days I get off at random exits chasing a shot that I can never capture. It’s so frustrating that this image is so elusive, this rendering that does justice to the majesty of the fog sitting in the narrow valley of the reservoir, a rendering I will never possess. I try to just appreciate it in the moment, but it’s hard to let go of the compulsion to just get the one shot that would… make it worth it? Be an adequate tribute? I think I’m always trying to capture moments because I know how little I will remember. But when the image never materializes I tinge the beautify of it in frustration.

What a perfect metaphor for life…

Even if I never get the perfect shot, I know I’ll always remember how much I LOVE the mountains and lake I pass by every day. I couldn’t ask for a more beautiful commute – I actively appreciate it almost every morning. And I guess that is something.

I have 2.5 more weeks before the time changes, and then I’m driving to work in the dark. Right now I’m hitting the most beautiful stretch right when the sun comes up and the light is just beautiful. Every morning I get excited to see how the mountains will look. I feel like these last weeks of Daylight Savings Time are a gift.

Having said that I am so ready for winter. I don’t know what it is, but I am just so ready to leave the heat waves behind and embrace the crisp, chilly air. Winter is coming and I am here for it.

I hope you’re all having a good week.

This is not the blogger I want to be, disappearing except for the Monday update. And yet here I am, writing another Monday update, that will probably be followed next week by… another Monday update. Blerg.

When I think about how much I used to write… it’s astonishing.

The weekend was good. And hard. And what I needed. And not enough of what I needed. And eye opening. And totally banal. It was all of those things. And others.

This week will be… watching for rain… and checking my jury service… and preparing for my son’s 8th birthday… and starting new units at school (while always having sub plans ready for possible jury service)… and wondering if there will be another heat wave or if I can pack my warm weather clothes away… and reheating the dozens of pumpkin pancakes I made yesterday.

It turns out the second half of October is really busy. This must always be the case, and I suppose I remembered that, deep down, because I ordered my kids’ costumes in mid September and I was so relieved that I had yesterday when my daughter’s arrived, plastered in customs forms I couldn’t read.

I thought I had more to say, but it’s just tumbleweeds. The only thing worse than the Monday update is a Monday update like this one.

Some days I guess you just have to be happy you showed up.

I’m finding it hard to show up here again. I swear I think of things I’d like to write about, but by the time I’m home and I have my computer in front of me, I can’t think of a damn thing.

Last week was a little hectic. It was conference week, but I planned a project in the class that I have for three periods and that provided some “down time” that I took advantage of during the days. I didn’t have a ton of conferences, but I had enough to make most of my early afternoons pretty unproductive. I did manage to get in a couple of doctor’s appointments, and now a pre-pre-cancerous (whatever that means) patch on my arm has been frozen off.

The weekend was a welcome respite. Saturday we hosted a lot, and everyone got to socialize, except my husband who really stepped up to help out. Sunday, my parents took the kids so my husband and I could get some down time. We ate at a very expensive restaurant, and spent way more money than I’m comfortable thinking about, but my husband was really happy about it so I’m glad we went. Monday, the kids came home early, we got their homework done (they both randomly had homework which has never happened before on a weekend), and cleaned up around the house. It was really nice.

Having a three day weekend really does make such a difference. It’s like a pressure valve being released. Just that one extra day feels so… expansive. I wonder if transitioning to a four day work week would make my life measurably better in ways that nothing else could. It probably would. But maybe it wouldn’t? I’m sure if I only had one day off a week I would feel like having two days off would make me happy, and yet hear I am wishing I had three. But I do think I would be a lot happier if I worked four days a week instead of five.

The inflexibility of my job can be… challenging. I will NEVER be able to work four days a week. Not unless public education changes in ways it hasn’t in a hundred years. I do wish my job afforded me more flexibility. I guess I’ll just have to be happy with June, July and August.

Did you have a three day weekend? Could you work four days a week if you wanted to?

We’re having BEAUTIFUL weather in San Francisco. It’s probably too hot everywhere else in the Bay Area right now, but it’s GORGEOUS in the city. I look forward to our two most beautiful months (September and October) all year, and I try hard to appreciate when they’re strutting their stuff.

Some stuff I’m doing to feel better this weekend:

• Sleeping in. I woke up this morning at 9am. That almost never happens these days, and I really, really enjoyed it.
• Putting stickers in my planner. I have actually been using a Simple Elephant planner since the beginning of the year, and last week I grabbed a little booklet of planner stickers from Grocery Outlet, hoping that they would inspire my daughter to use her planner more. Alas, she is still pretty disinterested, but I am loving them. (I shouldn’t be surprised, since I got myself the planner so we could fill then out together every night, and while she has abandoned hers, I’m still using mine).
• Reveling in the 1.5 hours I get in the house alone. I’m watching LuLaRich and putting together a project for school next week. And… eating unhealthy snacks and drinking a Limeade + fizzy water. I’m also writing this post! I SO RARELY get the house to myself. I try to revel in it when it happens.
• Going to the beach with my daughter. Well, I hope she’ll go with me. If she doesn’t want to, we’ll hang out in the backyard. As long as we’re outside, I’ll be happy.
• Swimming in a pool! Tomorrow we get to spend the day at my mom’s friend’s pool down on the peninsula. It’s usually too cold to swim at this time of year (the nightly temps dip so much that the water gets really cold), but she has a new solar cover and we’ve had some consistently warm weather down there this September, so we can get in one last swim day. My kids usually get to enjoy the pool with my parents when they spend the night, so I’m excited to get to go myself. We’re bringing some big floaties with us too.
• Picking up the house. This might seem less-than-fun, but the house has gotten to a place where cleaning up will make me happy. It’s getting more messy than I’d like, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but when I take the time to tackle it, I’m reminded that I can get it back to a pleasant place relatively quickly.
• Spending QT with my kids. My daughter and I will hang out today. Both kids will be with me at the pool (and they are SO EXCITED I’m coming). Next weekend they are spending a night with my parents so it’s important that we get some time to hang out this weekend. I’m trying to make it meaningful and memorable.

One of the reasons I told myself it was okay that we weren’t going, was that I needed a weekend to get caught up, both functionally and emotionally. So I’m trying to give myself some time and space to breathe, and also to get enough done so that next week feels easy (or at least easier). I think I’m doing a pretty decent job of that, and that makes me happy.

How are you spending this first October weekend?

Thanks for those who reached out on my last post. Writing helped, and made me feel better. I’ve also been busy, which helps as well. Mostly I’m over it, but if I start to dwell it’s not great. So I try to keep my mind occupied.,

There are a lot of reasons we aren’t going, and I suppose I wasn’t very clear about them. At this point it feels less clear, but if I really think about it I can remember.

• Our kids are not meeting with people inside, unmasked. We are trying not to have our kids meet inside, even masked right now, because it just feel unnecessary when our weather is almost always lovely (or at least not awful) and there is still a lot of light at the end of the day. If there were something really fun planned that required they be inside with masks on, of course we would let them, but we’re not planning those things right now. Our kids are seeing their friends at school, and other organized (outside) play dates and we’re not worried about how much socialization they are getting right now (they are getting plenty). Our son is participating in indoor, masked martial arts right now because we believe they are taking all the necessary steps to keep the space safe (tons of windows open, fans blowing, and air filters running always).
• We feel it’s important to be CONSISTENT in our messaging around what we’re doing right now. The kids know that being inside with masks on at school is okay because school is really important (ditto the dojo). The kids know they can see friends outside with masks on (or masks off if they stay far enough away from each other, but they’d rather just keep them on so they don’t have to think too hard about distance). I don’t really know how I’d explain to my daughter that for one weekend we can all just take off our masks and hang out together, when we haven’t had time to effectively isolate and test before hand.

Those are really the two most important points. We have decided on boundaries and we want to be consistent about those boundaries. With friends having different exposure levels at their different schools, and being in contact with so many different people in smaller, enclosed spaces, we just aren’t comfortable spending a long period, indoor, and unmasked with other unvaccinated kids. Once our kids are vaccinated we will have to figure out what we’re comfortable with. We have a long time until that happens though, so we aren’t thinking that much about it. (We assume we’ll be comfortable with A LOT more because if we’re not, then when will this ever feel better?)

At this point I’m okay with not going. I wish we weren’t missing out, but I’m not all that interested in the stress and exhaustion the whole weekend would create. Next week is conferences and the week after that I will be summoned to jury duty at least once day (I’m ALWAYS summoned during my week), and the week after that is my son’s birthday so yeah. A lot if coming up and I don’t need to start this month feeling exhausted and behind.

I would also feel like I were operating from a big deficit with my husband if I went away for a weekend (leaving him with our son), right after the weekend he was supposed to be away (but didn’t go to keep our family safe). The price of going is just really, really high. So even if I convinced myself that I could explain why that weekend we could disregard all our regular boundaries, there are other reasons not to go.

And yes I’m jealous it’s easier for them. I wish it were easier for me. But it’s not. And there is much in their lives that is harder than mine, and I’m glad they get to have some time away. I know they all really need it.

I’m realizing there is more at play in my feelings around all this. We’ve been back in school for seven weeks, and my friends and I have only gotten together once since then. We’re all just feeling overwhelmed and it’s taking us longer than expected to fall into our new routines. I’m remembering the special kind of burnout I get from being around kids all day at school, that makes me too exhausted to plan and execute get together with friends, but is not fulfilling socially. It’s actually a real stumbling block for me, and I don’t think I’ve ever figured out how to manage it.

When we were on zoom last year it was exhausting, but not in the same way it is now that I’m surrounded by people all day long. Last year I longed to get together with my friends because I was starved for connection. I don’t feel that same longing anymore, instead I just feel… tapped out. Teaching with masks on is odd because they are there and you are communicating but it’s not very satisfying because you can’t see their faces and you can’t even really hear them very well when they talk. It’s SO MUCH BETTER than zoom, especially from a teaching perspective, but there is still some of that detachment and disconnect. So there is still that “I’m with people ALL DAY LONG” but there isn’t that “AND IT’S SATISFYING!” But I suppose it never is, BECAUSE THEY ARE ADOLESCENTS and I’m their teacher. I have to be up at the front of the room, energized and animated behind my hot sweaty mask, and it’s exhausting. At the end of the week I just want to retreat to my house for 48 hours to recharge.

I need to start find ways to (or just making myself) get together with my friends more. I’m generally glad I did it afterward, even if before hand it feels like more than I can manage.

So yeah. I’m feeling better about it, mostly because I’m working hard not to think about it. They all leave this morning and hopefully I can keep it out of my mind, and then when they come back I can put it behind me.

{I’m realizing as I read over this that our friendships changed and grew substantially during the pandemic, so much so that I don’t actually have a past MO with them to fall back on. We’re not really sure what our group’s dynamic is going to be now that things are returning to normal, and our daughters are at different schools. It’s going to take some time to figure it all out. Maybe I’m stressed that I’m missing the first “trip” of our new normal, and I’m worried I’ll be left out moving forward because I can’t be there now. I have a long history of friendship insecurity so it’s not surprising that it’s rearing it’s ugly head now. Blerg. I guess I’d hoped at 40 I would past this stuff but I guess old (emotional and social) habits die hard.}