This post is going to be all over the place, so I apologize if you were hoping for a coherent narrative.
Honestly, I can barely see my screen right now because this eye ointment is blurring my vision pretty dramatically. I usually don’t put it in until right before bed, but I wanted to be sure to pack the little tube so I put it in early.
Except it’s not that much before bed. It’s 9:55pm and I’m just getting on the elliptical machine. I’m starting so late because I wanted to be pretty much ready to go before I started working out. But mostly I’m on this late because we’ve had a searing heat wave this week and my house is still a stifling 85*, despite the cooler air I’m finally feeling outside. At least it’s not 90* in here, like it was when I got home.
It’s hard to manage heat waves when you don’t have a real way to cool your house. We’re lucky that the night air usually cools up here in the city – even down on the peninsula where I work it can stay pretty warm at night – but we don’t have enough fans to bring the cool air in. The two best fans are in the kids’ rooms, which leaves the living rooms pretty stagnant. Luckily our room is downstairs and at the back of the house, so it usually stays quite a bit cooler.
Anyway, enough about heat waves. This is the first one we’ve had I think in all of 2023 (is that true?!) and it’s a doozy, and super later in the year, but we had conferences all week so we didn’t have students in our classrooms after 1pm, when it gets really sweltering. Honestly, I can’t really complain.
At least not about the heat wave.
I can complain about a few other things, mainly my husband and his untreated depression, but I really do think he’s willing to take steps to get help. He was going to call later this week, but of course Kaiser was experiencing a giant work stoppage, so it wasn’t the best time for him to finally reach out. He says he will after our trip, and I want to hold him to it, but it’s hard because I don’t want to come on too strong and make him upset. It’s a real high wire act trying to get someone experiencing depression to seek help. Especially when that person is your spouse.
And it’s fucking lonely. Holy shit is it lonely. Especially when your job is as isolating as mine is. Besides the dozens of parents I’ve met with this past week, I haven’t spoken to an adult at all. It’s rough.
He did step up to get some shit done for our trip. I still did the majority of the prep and packing, but he definitely took a few things off my plate. And I’m grateful for that. I’m really trying to recognize and acknowledge when he does stuff, for both our sake’s.
What else did I want to write about? I swear there was more…
I am all set for my sub on Tuesday. I even printed out my sub plans. Everything is posted on google classroom or available in my actual classroom. I do not have to think about work once before I return on Wednesday morning. That feels really good.
I’m looking forward to this trip. My kids are at a fun age and I love amusement parks. I think it will be a genuinely enjoyable time, not like when they were younger and I hoped to have fun for them. Now I think I’ll have fun for myself, with them. I don’t feel like I’m articulating it well, but it’s definitely a different mindset, one I’m pleased to be experiencing. I really do like parenting older kids so much more than I did parenting younger kids. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since I’m a middle school teacher. I wonder how I’ll feel when my daughter is in high school…
It was interesting to meet with so many families this week, for student-led conferences. I really got to know some of my quieter students a lot better. It added so many dimensions. It was a long and exhausting week, but I’m glad to have done it. I’m so grateful our admin changed their plan, because I really do think this experience was positive because of the way we did it. I hope my colleagues feel the same.
I think I’m going to bring this post to a close. I want to read a couple things before I get off the elliptical, and I need to review my to-do list to make sure I’m as ready as I think I am. I will say, packing for a long weekend in LA is way easier than packing for two nights of camping. I’m so glad we aren’t camping this weekend. ;D
YES to looking forward to all kinds of life things now with kids that are older (and mine are still relatively young, I mean G is not even 6 yet! But still worlds better than they were even 1-2 yrs ago!)
And, I’m glad your husband has agreed to seek the help he needs – even though i know it will be challenging, just his willingness to acknowledge the need is a big step some people struggle to get to.
I am sorry but I’ll be frank. It must be exhausting to live with a person who is obviously depressed yet he is dragging his feet on seeking help. You are saint. I would have been like “for the sake of our marriage and kids, get bloody help. Call now, not next week, not tomorrow. NOW.” And all these trips you are talking to make your children happy while also working full time and being a caretaker- seriously, my hat’s off to you. Just please, please, Naomie, don’t loose Naomie in this process.
Trust you are having good trip and return on Wednesday is to order in classroom. It should also be much cooler weather which will help.
High schoolers increase their independence but still reach for security… in uneven, unpredictable times and actions. This is when the work of building of trust in two way directions gets tested and hopefully pays off. It is a big step for parents in letting go while holding one’s breath … and also for the student because launching from the nest is huge.
Glad husband is able to reach out for help and hope strike is not back on Wednesday so he makes the call.
We all need hope. It does make a difference.
Thank you for making the time to post. You bring goodness into the world.
This life stage has been the sweetest surprise for me. I love babies and thought I’d miss that stage but it was such a hard time in life. My kids are 8 and 6 now and SO much easier. They are independent but still loving. They can watch tv without me while I sleep on Saturday mornings but still want to hang with me once I get up. I am trying to fully treasure this time… before puberty kicks in!
Have a great time on your trip!