Sorry I was away. I’m not going to do a full re-cap right now because it wouldn’t be very interesting anyway. I think I’ll just back in with a short post.
It’s been five years since I had my second child and ended my journey through pregnancy loss and secondary infertility. I honestly don’t think about it that much any more. My experiences with both were not nearly as difficult and painful as they are for most people who deal with either, so it’s not surprising to me that I am mostly over it. And yet, I am still very weird around pregnant people.
Two women on my staff are currently pregnant – one with her first child and one with her second. They are both due in the same week, going out on maternity leave over the break, and staying out for the rest of the school year (with the new baby bonding time they can be out for the entire six months).
I will be the first to admit that I have not handled these pregnancies with grace. Not only do I not initiate the small talk surrounding how the expectant moms are feeling (both physically and emotionally), but when conversations veer toward those pleasantries I excuse myself from the conversation. Pretty much immediately. I just don’t want to talk about it, or hear about it, at all.
But why is that? I tell myself it’s because pregnancy terrifies me, that I grew up watching my mom lose three late-term pregnancies, after burying my sister who died after three months in the NICU (when I was two) and the whole pregnancy thing just makes me scared and uncomfortable. And maybe that is what is happening. I kind of hope that is what is happening, otherwise it feels like I’m just begrudging people their happiness during one of the most exciting times of their life.
I know for sure that it’s not some kind of wistfulness for those years, it’s not jealousy or envy at where they are in their lives. I am happy to be past the pregnancy, new born and toddler years. I am a happier parent now that I have ever been, so I really don’t know why I feel the need to totally disengage from people when they are pregnant.
{To be clear, I was never very close with either of these two women, in fact I’ve had kind of awkward social stuff with them before: One was half of the two person planning committee that didn’t invite me (and I swear, only me) on a staff rafting trip. And I was one of very few people who were not invited to the other’s wedding (and all the other people who weren’t invited were relatively new to the staff, while I had been there longer than many people who were invited). So it’s not super weird that I find a reason to excuse myself when the conversation settles on pregnancy, but I’m guessing it’s been noticeable.}
I’ve just been pondering this again, as pregnancy has been unavoidable at work this fall. I hate to say it but I’m looking forward to the break, and not seeing either of them again until the next school year. Of course I wish them the best, but I’ll be relieved when we’re not all talking about pregnancy all the time.
Pregnancy talk can be complex and emotional responses to pregnancy in self, others, family members. It is absolutely OK to opt out. It is absolutely OK to not attend baby showers. It is normal to have mixed emotional reactions and carefully modulated responses to pregnancy announcements. Blatant rudeness is not ok but opting out isn’t rude. Given your history with pregnancy it seems absolutely normal to me that it would be a tough topic emotionally and you get kudos for not talking about ‘lost pregnancy histories I know’. IF anyone asks you, which would be rude of them, a bland remark about personal privacy seems appropriate attached to a subject change.
I was glad to hear from you; I figured with the time of year and obligations you were underwater with the alligators crawling over your head and only a snorkel letting you get occasional whiffs of air. Keep on moving forward. Remember to stop all preparation on the evening of Dec 23 because: if it isn’t done then, it need not be done and YOU need to enjoy the holiday too. I learned this a long time ago in difficult circumstances … and Christmas happened anyway. Even unwrapped presents can still be given with love!
You have had an amazing and wonderful year and done the un-doable repeatedly even if not to your desired perfect ideal. I am wishing you a glorious holiday with laughter, joy, family, personal and couple time, and a new year of hope and opportunities you will enjoy. And, the same to my fellow readers of your posts ~ I learn so much from what all of you write each and every time. THANK YOU!!!!