This is a post about mental health and disordered eating. If those are not topics you want to tackle today, please step away.
Tuesday morning I had a video appointment with a new psychiatrist. I thought the appointment was just going to be a quick, “here is my ADHD meds history and this is why I want to try a new medication” chat. Instead it was an in depth psychological history that took over an hour.
I had to recount my years of clinical depression and all the SSRIs that didn’t help it. And the diagnosis of Bi-Polar II in college, and intense anxiety I had to manage with Zoloft while I was pregnant.
I had to revisit my many years of disordered eating and the despair I felt at my lowest points, when I thought every day of my life would be consumed by the desire to eat, but the certainty that I shouldn’t. She was surprised to learn that I never received the diagnosis of an eating disordered (because I hid it from everyone, including health care providers, and never reached a low enough weight that people were worried about me, instead of being thrilled by how I looked) and that I was able to break my disordered eating patters without professional help. And I did, but man were those years hard. It was a dark time and I’m thankful that I’m not there anymore. I’ve only revisited that mindset once or twice, for brief periods in the past 20 years, and both times I was so devastated to recognize those thought patterns that I immediate searched for supports to break them.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank all that is good in this world that my kids don’t seem to have any issues with body image. Do I wish they ate more whole foods, yes, but I was also a picky kid who eventually developed a broader pallet so that doesn’t bother me as much. And I don’t want to comment on their bodies, but I will say that they don’t give any reason for my mom (or my MIL for that matter) to make any passive aggressive comments about them. It feels like a cop out, because I’m not being forced to face the lingering fat phobia in my extended family, but I’m so thankful that I don’t have to with regards to my kids. (I do say things to my mom when she makes inappropriate comments about other people’s bodies, but I’m sure it would feel different if she were commenting on my kids’ bodies.)
{By the way, the podcast Maintenance Phase really helped me understand how misconceived, or downright false, the narratives around body size are and I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to rewrite their own ideas about body size and health.}
And then we talked about my ADHD, and all the ways it has manifested in my life. Sometimes it’s still so hard to have it, and it’s all I can do not to waste my time wishing I didn’t have it, wondering what I’d be like if basic social and organizational skills weren’t so freaking hard. I said I would try an adult ADHD workshop through Kaiser, but I don’t actually believe they provide me with any suggestions I haven’t heard before. I know there are positives associated with ADHD, I’m sure my energy, enthusiasm and creativity have something to do with the way my brain works, but I’m pretty sure the positives are outweighed by the negatives, at least for me.
Sometimes I look back on my past and feel like I’ve left all the pain and diagnoses behind. Sometimes I think I’m not dealing those difficulties now only because things in my life are relatively stable. I try to focus on where I am now, and not dwell on where I might be in the future. I wish my mental health history was not so fraught, but it is, and in the last fifteen years things have been better. I attribute that to ADHD medication, skills I’ve learned along the way, and an incredible amount of luck.
When I was in my early twenties and really struggling, I would have found such solace in knowing that by 44 I’d have a stable job, a loving husband, two amazing kids, a decent relationship with food and a solid belief that I will be okay. I wish I could go back and assure her that things would get better. Because man, there were days when I really didn’t believe that. Those days were long and dark and I’m so grateful to have put them behind me.
You have demonstrated strength, courage and willingness to do hard work and face painful things. That must have been an intensive appointment. Fingers crossed you left with positive results.
Thank you for writing with such positivity.
It was so intense. I was not expecting it at all. It was a lot.
Thank you for this post. My daughter suffered from an eating disorder in middle school, and when I think of how when she was so thin that she was no longer having her period, and she could not participate in PE classes, how people would come up to me on the street and tell me how beautiful she was, I want to burn the fucking world down. When she gained enough weight to get her period again, still on the thin side of a healthy weight, but there, eating meals without a fight, the compliments stopped. OUR SOCIETY IS FUCKED UP. She has had a couple of almost relapses since, but now she recognizes the warning signs, and has the tools to cope and get past it. That you did it without any help is amazing, and I am so impressed. We had a medical team (doctor, therapist, nutritionist, plus us, her parents). She has never gone back to that scared, angry, hungry girl inhabiting my beautiful girl’s body. I pray she never does.
I am glad that you have your medication and skills to help you cope with your ADHD. And your loving family.
I’m so sorry about your daughter. It’s so fucking hard. I want to make clear that I spent a LOT of years either binging or severely restricting my calories. Then the year I lived in Spain I was as thin as Id ever been (size 2) and I was MISERABLE. And luckily I was able to really process how I was more miserable that year, when I was as thin as I’d even been (and was getting compliments from everyone). That helped me realize that being thin wasn’t going to make me happy. Of course it wasn’t like a switch went off and I was fine. I read a couple books about compulsive eating. I learned the signs. I bought so much of the things I wanted to just eat through the box so that eating through the box wasn’t an option (because I had another box). I started to think about what I actually wanted to eat and let myself hace that (it took YEARS to be able to consistently determine what I actually wanted to eat). It was a long ass road, and it was a lot of one step forward two steps back. It sucked. I hope your daughter never goes back to that place. It’s awful.
Thank you. I hope you never go there again, my daughter never goes there again, no one ever goes there again. It’s horrible indeed, and has really affected our relationship in ways that I am still trying to figure out 14 years later (I am over protective because I fear the demon will come back and kill my child…she has anxiety and feels protected by me, so we’re co-dependent)
Well. There’s a lot here. This post could provide hope for anyone who’s struggling right now- things CAN get better. I also took a trip down memory lane of my own years of disordered eating. I feel like it’s something I’m constantly working to keep under control- one misstep and I could be right back into it (I’m imagining this is how people in recovery feel- it doesn’t go away, you just learn how to manage it.)
I don’t have ADHD so I don’t know how that feels. Thank goodness you have a medication that works well. I’m interested that you credit part of your success to “a lot of luck.” I guess we all need luck. And- glad you’re in a good place with a solid belief you will be okay. That belief will carry you through a lot.
You know, I would probably feel like I need to keep it under control if it weren’t for my ADHD meds. It’s not that I’m not hungry when I take them, it more like I just don’t think about food all the time when I do. I’m able to focus on other things. Maybe that is the only reason why I’m so much happier when I’m on them. I wouldn’t be surprised.
Thank you for sharing and yes, agree with Jenny this post could provide hope! Multiple people close to me have had lives very negatively impacted by eating disorders and it’s so incredibly sad. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can make sure to do my best so my kids never suffer that way. I feel I flirted with disordered eating (with hypothalamic amenorrhea for years that was really frustrating) but feel really lucky never to have really succumbed.
Thank you so much for this post. Through the darkness into the light, how amazing you are.
I do not have experience with an eating disorder or ADHD but working in high school, I have students who struggle with those things. It’s hard.