Some days I want to come here and write and I’m not sure exactly why. What do I want to say? I have other stuff to do right now, but I opened this page in my browser instead. Which would be fine if I had something to get off my chest but I don’t really. I’m honestly not sure how I feel right now. Do I think writing will help me clarify?
My leg / glute / lower back is bothering me again. It never really went away, but it’s much worse than it has been. I’m really frustrated by it. I’ve never had a pain like this. I’m not sure how it originated. I’m not sure why it’s not going away. I’ve thrown a ton of money at it (new running shoes, chiropractor appointments, a psoas release stretcher, a seat for the car), I’ve spent a lot of time on it (chiropractor appointments and stretching, so much stretching). I’ve changed my workout routine to incorporate more yoga. Nothing seems to help. It’s really, really bumming me out.
I was also reminded last week that perimenopause is still… a thing I am dealing with? I mean obviously I didn’t think it was over yet; it just started and it will be years before I’m out of it. I guess the thing is, the obvious effects come and go, but I the hormonal fluctuations are probably wreaking more havoc than I’m aware of on a regular basis. I definitely need to remember that.
Last weekend I made a costly and embarrassing mistake and I’ve been trying to manage the shame I’ve felt about it in a healthy, self-compassionate way. I’m sorry to vague blog about it, but it’s taking up a lot of mental space and emotional energy so it feels too hard to not mention it. (I really loathe reading this kind of shit, so I really am sorry to write about it this way). It was just a reminder that no matter how far I’ve come, there is still a part of me that will never move past my shortcomings. It’s incredibly dispiriting to realize that at 41. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in so many areas of my life, and then I do a dumb thing and feel so ashamed.
I’m trying to honor where I’m at and take the mistake seriously, instead of just sweeping it under the rug. But it’s hard. I don’t have the mental or emotional reserves right now, and professional mental health help is so hard to find (and afford!) at the moment.
Finally, one of my kids is having a hard time again and I’m reminded that I do not have “easy” kids and that everything in my life is A LOT harder if your kids are hard. Really and truly, whenever my kids are in a good place I am delighted (and kind of shocked!) by how much easier everything else seems. I think people who have “spirited” (or neurodivergent) kids probably don’t fully realize how exhausting it is, because it’s just what parenting feels like for them. (But then they read some blog posts and want to throw their computer at a wall? Or is that just me?)
My friend’s first daughter was so low key and chill. She always seemed kind of confused by my comments about parenting – she could tell that my daughter was different from hers but didn’t think it could possibly make that much of a difference. Then she had her second child and now she gets it. She said something to me about it recently and it was very validating. Having highly reactive kids that react strongly to pretty much anything, at any time, is truly exhausting. It really, really wears on parents.
And none of that takes into account all the thinking you do about whether or not it’s your fault, or what the future will look like if things don’t get better… like maybe if you had just made better choices none of this would be happening, or maybe if you start making better choices now, things will be better later. Corralling that kind of thinking is exhausting in and of itself. And then there is the conversations with your spouse about how to manage it, and the attempts to get professional help if think it might actually improve the situation. It’s just a lot, and whenever I’m in the thick of it, I’m struck by how all-consuming it can be. I guess I’m lucky that our struggles ebb and flow – we do get respites here and there and that really helps.
So I guess all that is what I wanted to write about? Nothing feels processed, but maybe I can get some work done now. It’s Wednesday, so this is my long, block-period prep which I need to take advantage of because tomorrow I have NO PREP, and my students are taking their final Trimester 2 assessment, so I have a lot to prepare.
I guess I’ll just hit publish then.
My second child is really hard and it has completely changed my life. I thought my first was hard because he didn’t sleep well and is kind of grumpy. I also thought he was a picky eater. Little did I know how much harder it can be! It is so challenging. He needs to constantly assert his independence in various ways that are difficult to manage (not to mention dangerous and destructive). No one has suggested that he is neurodivergent, although he has some sensory issues. It is mostly that he is astoundingly stubborn and has a hard time with emotional regulation (which could stem in part from his sensory issues). We seem to be coming out of a particularly challenging period and I’m reflecting on how miserable I have been the past several weeks. It is so, so, so, hard. I am so sorry you are going through a rough time now.
when Tired, Stressed, in Pain,it is easy to make costly & embarrassing mistakes. Be good to you about that. We ALL do this. And then we go on.
My first child was an easy baby. My friends all wished me a “normal” child for my second……. And got their wish. I learned a great deal. Including that what makes a child harder or easier can vary from family to family. And, at different stages the same child can be harder or easier and no one knows how that will go. Lucky for me both my children are amazing adults. And each has a child who has had easier and harder times to parent. Life.
Could your pain be from compensating in how you are standing when teaching? PT appointment??? And hormones…. steady state really helps. REALLY REALLY helps…. and then one ages and hormones again!
Glad you wrote to us. Hope rest of day was lighter and easier!
PS: I really appreciated your having written about masks and when to unmask and all the commentary your readers posted as states are announcing unmasking happening in the midst of very high infection rates…… You prepared me so that I was less startled by the decisions which are being made as science is starting to report the major damage even mild covid is being shown to do to the vascular circulation system and the organs that depend on blood flow. https://twitter.com/Bob_Wachter/status/1491769034324549640 Note: the study was on veterans so it was primarily older men but here is no reason to think it would not apply more broadly……. a linnk to the article he references is: http://www.science.org/content/article/covid-19-takes-serious-toll-heart-health-full-year-after-recovery
I really appreciate you so very much!
I always appreciate your writing. I have one very reactive child, my older one and watching the younger one grow up more typically is so bittersweet, driving home the differences that make life more challenging for the older one (and me!) I think both my kids are so wonderful and I love them desperately but the worrying and being on alert so much does take away some of the joy of parenting. It’s getting easier these days but you never know when there’s going to be a bad day.