I’m finding it hard to write here these days. I’m not loving most of the blogs that I read, mostly because it’s hard to hear about full time (or even consistent) child care and kids in school (or going back to school) or BOTH! I know when I start to chafe at what others have, it’s because I’m feeling a lot of guilt about what I have. And as far as the pandemic goes, I have so, so much. We both have jobs we can do from home, and we haven’t had to take cuts in our hours (or pay) despite our lack of child care (my husband has taken copious amounts of time off, but that was either pandemic-specific time or accrued sick leave and PTO). I have been able to create a schedule that allows me to support my kids a fair amount during the school days as well (I work most nights from 9pm to 1am).
We also have our health. No one in our immediate families has a preexisting condition that puts them at increased risk for serious illness or death due to covid-19. We haven’t had to be more afraid of this virus than anyone else who is our age, and the possibility of contracting covid-19 hasn’t caused a lot of anxiety for either of us (though I definitely leave the house more than my husband does). None of our great-grandparents are still alive so we haven’t had to worry about a loved one dying alone in a long term care facility, and our parents are young enough (late 60s) and in good health, and able to isolate so that we haven’t had to be overly worried about them.
We don’t even know anyone in our personal circles who has tested positive for covid-19, let alone been sick or died from it. Not even one of my friends who works in health care (several of them on the front lines) has contracted it.
We are lucky that we live in an area where local and state officials took the virus seriously and the general public has been willing to follow social distancing and masking guidelines. I have never dealt with an anti-masker, nor do I know of anyone who has (though I’ve seen a fair number of white dudes walking around without masks. And it’s almost ALWAYS white dudes – even if their whole family has masks, not them. Not them.)
My kids are also handling it all well enough. They are certainly suffering academically, but nothing like so many kids are. And their mental health is as good as could be expected – again they are negatively affected but not in the way so many young people are.
I live in a state that never gets very cold, allowing for outdoor social distancing throughout the winter. Meeting friends at parks and playgrounds has done so much to maintain our mental health.
Heck, we even got rid our tenant right before this all happened. Sure it cost us $20K, but no amount of money would have gotten him out of there during the pandemic. Not only are we not dealing with his recurring bed bug issues, but we have that 400 square feet to live and work in!
I’m sure there are other ways I’m supremely lucky right now, and my privilege blinds me to them. Privilege is so good at warping our perceptions of reality.
Really the only things I don’t have, that others have, are child care and in person schooling options for my kids. That is it. So I know when I read about people who have those things, and seemingly take them for granted, I only care because I know I have so much that I routinely take for granted. I’m that person for other people. So many other people.
It feels like I have two options right now. I can come here and talk about how things are not that bad, and we’re getting through it, and I can make people who have it worse than me feel shitty. Or I can come here and bitch about how it’s hard, and maybe put words to the struggles that some of us are facing, knowing I still might make other people who have it worse than me feel shitty (I remember reading a letter in Carolyn Hax about how there had been snow days and this woman had to work from home WITH HER KIDS for three whole days and I wanted to throw my phone across the room. Does she not realize that some of us have been working from home WITH OUR KIDS… FOR A STRAIGHT YEAR?!)
But that’s the thing… maybe she doesn’t. Because evidently a full 50% of students in the US have had the option to attend school full time. A little over 25% have been doing hybrid learning for the year and less than 25% have been fully remote this entire time. I did not realize that my kids were in the minority for learning from home since March. I had no idea that so many kids in this country have been going to school full time since the fall. Maybe they have no idea what a quarter of kids still have no option for any kind of in person learning at all.
So yeah. Not really sure how to show up here. I’m not doing great, but most people are doing way worse than me. The vast majority of the worlds inhabitants are suffering and struggling so much more than I am. It’s a humbling thought, and it makes it hard to show up here and bitch about how my kids will never see the inside of classroom this entire school year.
It all just feels so futile. I should probably go back to worrying about whether or not my kids will go back in the fall and leave those worries in my own head.
Hey lady, FWIW, I really hope my last comment wasn’t hurtful to you and I 100% don’t take for granted that my kids have been in school full time since last fall. My friends and I here routinely have conversations about how grateful we are for our current reality. Really, everywhere in our region of the state that I’m aware of has been full time in person for a long time if not the entire year (not just our rural school), and that’s the only reason I said anything on your last post.
It really is shocking sometimes to realize that the day-to-day reality in one area of the USA is SO much different than others right now. The only ppl I personally know whose kids are still full time remote live in liberal coastal cities (not saying that to be political, just fact). I understand the lockdowns last spring when there was so much unknown, but now that so many schools have shown for 6-7 months how to do in-person and still be careful and keep spread to a minimum (literally ZERO at my school), it honestly blows my mind that there are still districts who aren’t doing any sort of in-person component.
At any rate, honestly, I applaud you for still sticking to guidelines when you’re not high risk and don’t even know anyone who has gotten COVID, even on the front lines. I know plenty of people (a couple dozen?) who got it, but it was pretty much mild cases for everyone. The one person who had it worse spent 2 weeks in bed with what felt like the flu and has been totally fine since then. I think that knowing people (and myself included) who DID get it and knowing how mild it was for almost every one of us (I don’t know a single long-hauler for example) made me more calm about the virus. At this point, nearly everyone in my friend group or family here has either has the virus or the vaccine, which definitely increases the comfort level for everyone.
I don’t know, like I said yesterday, I don’t know what the “right” answer is, but I do feel badly for you that your reality is still so locked down. You’re right that you have a ton of GREAT things in your life right now as well, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be down about the hard things. It’s just like the good ole’ “pain olympics” from the TTC days never doing anyone any good either!
My vote is you show up here and write whatever YOU feel the need to write. It’s your space to explore and process your feelings about life! xoxo
We all have our own individual challenges. I’m not judging anyone.
My kids could go back to school in-person full time, but I have zero interest in sending them. My feeling is that they’ll do just fine at home until September.
But it doesn’t bother me at all if other people choose to send their kids. Or to make other choices that I wouldn’t make.
Here’s the thing. For me, the pandemic lockdowns and restrictions haven’t been onerous at all. But I realize that’s a minority view, so I’m very sympathetic to others who have different situations.
If I had the option, and was choosing differently than others, I wouldn’t begrudge others their choices. But I don’t have those options, and that is what feels so frustrating. And I have no faith that my kids will be in school in a meaningful way in the fall either. And that fear is probably driving a lot of my other feelings right now.
I understand what you’re saying. And the schools in my district only opened full time in-person recently. Before that happened, many of the parents I know were extremely upset and stressed because they really wanted or needed their kids in school.
I will say that I am more cautious about Covid than most people due to personal experience. I know 3 people (my brother, my nephew, and a friend) who have gotten Covid. Their ages range from 25-55 and none had any underlying conditions. All 3 had pretty mild cases of Covid — pretty much like a bad cold. But all 3 have fairly serious (although different) long term symptoms: respiratory problems, mental confusion, heart issues and (for one of them) seizures.
Please do write here. It is ok to find things hard even if others are in harder/different places. The simple fact is we have computer/internet access, we are living in shelter, women do not have complete equal rights to men in the U.S., but we are way far ahead of women in many other global locations. The world isn’t fair and equitable for eveyone.
It is ok to find things hard, even from a place of relative good fortune. Consider the review of what it means to be an English Princess (Diana AND Megan) and that even that world of privilege is …. imperfect.
Unlike many I have known people who died, long haulers, seriously ill (not just a nuisance flu), and at my age it is a HIGH risk illness. I am now vaccinated. And, I still distance, double mask, and wash like mad. My county is not doing as well as San Francisco County in terms of controlling spread. I think the next school board elections in SF will be interesting and illuminating. There is still a very long haul in front of us with this virus.
You need to do what works for you about writing. But I have seen how your posts expand your readers understanding of what is happening in other places and how other people are being impacted. I think this/you makes a difference in the world. But I always hope you will write. THANK YOU!
I have found your posts extremely helpful in that I’m struggling with exactly the same things as you and it gives me a little sense of community that I would not have had otherwise. You’ve posted before about your sons struggles with virtual learning and he’s about the same age as my oldest who is really really struggling. This was going to be her first year in this school so she’s literally never met any of the people she sees on zoom and I think it’s really affecting her. Long term with lots of remedial help I think she will be ok but it’s a bit scary right now. What I really wish we had was real in person school and in person therapy for the kids because play therapy just doesn’t work virtually. At all. We may have some school but it’s just going to be virtual school in the building and I don’t know if that’s going to be possible for her. It’s so so much zoom. When I let myself get worked up about how shitty her entire kindergarten experience is going to be I basically want to cry and it’s not helpful. I know other kids mind it less but for her it’s been a big loss. I know other people have it worse in lots of ways -I literally said to my husband the other day that I am aware she could be working in a factory or something in other circumstances so maybe I’m a jerk for how upset I am. But it’s hard to see your kid struggling.
We do know (distantly) a couple people who have died from COVID, one quite old and one in his 40s. So I’m not upset about the restrictions just that school doesn’t seem to be something that is considered worth ANY risk at all. Like 0 risk. But restaurants and bars can be at full capacity so….
You have to remember that this is your blog and your space to talk about and sort out how YOU feel about your own circumstances. I’ve read and witnessed so many people getting all up in other peoples faces about their situation being worse or harder, etc. – this isn’t a contest of suffering. I think we need to silence these voices in our minds. Your hard is HARD for you. Everyone copes differently and none of us have ever lived through a global pandemic. Be kind always and speak your truth in your space – I gather from reading your blog for some time now that blogging is very helpful for you to process what you’re going through 🙂 It’s obvious to me from all of your posts that you are kind person and you do think of others and their struggles and see your good fortune as well! So keep doing your thing, girl!
Just my two cents.
Lisa from Canada 🙂