Thank you all for your comments on Tuesday’s post. It was very validating to hear that others felt similarly, and that I am not alone. It was also good to just write out that post, and realize where my head is at, and why. Putting words to my anxiety really helped to contain it. I know now why I’ve been having such a hard time, and that is also a relief. I also know now there are some steps I can take to gain peace of mind, and there are some unknowns I will have to accept in order to move on. Everything feels more manageable now.
I confirmed earlier this week that my new classroom is no where near ready for me to start moving in. I emailed someone yesterday to see if I can help get the ball rolling, but I haven’t heard back yet. I keep telling myself that I will get it done, eventually. I’ll probably have to spend an entire weekend there, before school starts, but it will get done. And if my room doesn’t look the way I want it to when school starts, that will be okay too. If I can let go of my expectations and remember that perfection can be the enemy of the good, I should be okay.
Instead of moving into my new classroom, I’m focusing on my own home. This is hard because the easy stuff is done, and only the hard stuff (that I hate!) remains. I keep telling myself that one way I can take care of myself it to make my home a refuge from all the uncertainty outside it. I can make each room clean, quiet and welcoming. I can remove the clutter so that, at least in my own house, things feel calm and I feel in control. Knowing I want to achieve that for myself helps me stay motivated.
I did remove most of the clutter. I’ve also gone through most of the bag of that clutter. Yesterday I cleaned the floors. What I have not tackled yet is my own clothes (I really need to go through them all and get rid of stuff that no longer serves me), or my kids’ rooms. These are each big tasks. But the floors were a big task too and I got those done today. Today a new rug is supposed to come, a rug I’m excited about. I told myself I couldn’t take it out of the packaging until the floors were clean, and yesterday I cleaned the floors.
I realized while I was cleaning yesterday that I really hate it, especially cleaning the floors. I know no one loves to clean, but I really dislike it. Tidying up is gratifying at least – at the end things are more orderly. Sweeping is highly satisfying and if I notice I need to dust (it generally has to get pretty obvious for me to notice) then I’m pleased with the result. But cleaning my floors just does not deliver the ROI I require to actually get it done. I tend to spot clean the obvious blemishes on the floor, and I guess I’ve trained myself to ignore how dingy they must look after a while, because cleaning them (at least any floor that is not my kitchen floor – which requires a good steam cleaning at least once a month) just does nothing for me. I don’t feel satisfied afterward at all. If I can avoid the YMCA’s $630/mo aftercare program I think I’ll invest in a house cleaner. I really do think it’s time.
It’s been really hard to keep up the work on my house. I am getting rid of a lot – more than I expected – but it’s still slow going and everything I organize just reminds me of how much more I still need to tackle. My kids’ rooms are crazy, but I also think now would be a REALLY good time to go over them; after the last year and a half of being stuck at home we are acutely aware of what we use and what we don’t.
When I was packing my classroom in June I put the movie Wet Hot American Summer on the TV. One of my very favorite scenes came on, and I took a crude video of it with my phone. I’ve come back to it over and over this summer, because sometimes you really appreciate seeing someone act out how you feel.
When I was packing up my classroom I felt like both Paul Rudd and Janeane Garofalo. Internally I was having the tantrum, and simultaneously standing there incredulous, telling myself to just get it done. As the summer wears on, I feel myself converting to Paul Rudd completely – Janeane Garofalo is almost gone. But I need her back. I need someone to stand there next to my tantrumy self and tell her to just do it already.
Just get it done.
Today I plan to purge in my son’s room and sort through my own clothes. I think my clothes will be really satisfying to go through – most of my drawers have become unmanageable since the pandemic. I also want to clean out my closet and better use the floor space for storage. This is the first built in closet I’ve ever had as an adult and I’m always a little stunned at how much space is just sitting down there, unused. If you have any organizational tips for the bottom of a closet (a closet with only one rung so the floor space is very available) please share. I’m thinking of using the space for seasonal stuff I don’t need to access much – right now that stuff lives in my daughter’s closet and I’m tired of going back and forth, and only being able to access things when she is awake.
Do you ever feel like Paul Rudd in that clip? Or are you more like Janeane Garofalo?
Hope you did your clothes first. Then it will be done and that will feel good. Feeling good will make it easier to see what is reasonable to achieve in son’s room. Because if your children are like children I have known ….. well. sorting their rooms ALWAYS takes forever and generally is not done in one day so after a half day anyway quit.
Take before and after pictures so you actually CAN see the difference even if not completed. For me, breaking a room into smaller areas works. All tops of surfaces, or rug area or wall with closet in it, or just top of desk, then just 1/2 drawers. CELEBRATE each achievement! I am cheering you on.
PS: Loved the clip!!!!! I find using a timer helps me too. Reminds me to build in break and reward time. But everyone is different.