I am really struggling to show up in this space right now. The truth is, I’m struggling to do anything productive with my afternoons and evenings. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and read stuff on my phone.
I was okay doing this for a while because I knew I needed to decompress after the utter shit show that was March and early April. But it’s now been over a month since all of that and there is way too much to do for me to continue flitting away my week nights.
I’m realizing there is a lot I have to catch this space up on. A lot going on. What happens is there are usually a dozen topics I want to tackle and when I convince myself I should deep-dive into just one, I can’t choose and I end up writing nothing. This has happened many times.
I was also SUPER sick last week and passing out by 8:30pm so there’s that.
I feel myself doing it again now. Maybe listing all the things I want to write about will be a productive compromise for the conflicting voices in my head. Some of the things I hope to write more about soon are:
– My schedule at work next year, and how hard it is to have a teaching job that changes so much from year to year. Uncertainty and I are not fast friends.
– How hard it has been to get back into the habit of exercising. I took two complete months off and now working out just twice a week feels almost impossible. I’m really surprised by how much I’m struggling with this.
– The disparaging things I’ve been thinking about my body (see above topic) and how it looks and feels. It hasn’t gotten to a place of true self-loathing, but I spent a decade there and I am terrified to go back. Even when I told myself I was “better” about this stuff, a part of me knew I was only “better” because I looked “better” and the minute I stopped looking better, the shitty thoughts would resurface. I guess I know myself pretty well.
– I recognize that I REALLY need to the hard work of self-acceptance now because it’s only going to be harder to maintain the weight I want as I get older. It’s already so much harder than it used to be. If anyone has any recommendations for working on body acceptance, please send them along.
– My complicated feelings about my surgery, which I really regret having. It didn’t make anything better (still hurts when I have sex, and there is bleeding after), and it made some things worse (prolapse) and my doctor is flummoxed (she says my vagina is different and this shouldn’t be happening) and I really wish I had just left well enough alone. It’s also super disappointing to think that sex will hurt always, and forever. It’s making me cry just to write that.
– AirBNBing my house. We have people scheduled to come and about a month to get the house ready. There is A LOT of work to do.
– I’ve read some really interesting articles on the upper 10%’s inability (or refusal) to acknowledge their own privilege and what that means for the middle class that I found super interesting and would love to write more about.
– My own financial situation now, and what it might look like after we shed our child care payment in July.
– Our trip this summer. So many updates for that one.
Have been thinking about you and the end of the school year and the AirBnB chaos and all the pressures you have been under. It is very hard. I hope you do find/make time on the topics you have mentioned because I am interested.
Being significantly older I can tell you age makes weight and appearance frustrations much harder……. and then many hit acceptance and ‘who cares about the horse xperson’ rode in to judge on. I do think it makes sense, with weight, to know what is at YOUR specific weight issues because it is NOT calories in exercise out that makes the difference in maintaining, gaining or/and losing weight. PCOS/metabolic syndrome, insulin and blood sugars (not the same), thyroid, genetics YOU got and that are turned on due to your life; can all be bits and pieces. Turning off your own inner negative voice that says thin is better is important but what turned it on varies. Then stepping out of the comparison of her weight versus mine is a different subject. I will and was and can be NEVER Meghan M’s/Kate M’s height, eye color, body type, size. But the who of me can be kind, loving, compassionate, hardworking, etc…..
Cheers and survival wishes til school is out!!!!
I must confess, it frustrates me that your surgery hasn’t resolved the issues with your reproductive tract and that your physician is claiming bewilderment. I’m very much of the opinion of “you break it, you bought it” meaning that I think your physician either needs to start doing some troubleshooting or be willing to write you a referral for someone who can help you. Because leaving you in this current state isn’t acceptable.
I have zero experience or connections in this area, but someone recommended this center in the Bay Area (https://www.urogyncentersf.com/robotic-surgery/pelvic-reconstructive-surgery/). It may take some hoop-jumping to get Kaiser to cover, but I think you can easily make a case and I’ve been learning that these centers are usually skilled at helping you navigate the insurance situation in order to be seen.
I’m so sorry about the surgery. That’s SO unfair, and frankly, what your doctor said sounds unprofessional or at least totally unhelpful. I hope you’ll be able to find some proper help with the issue.
Your vagina is “different and that shouldn’t be happening”?? What a ridiculous statement by a doctor. I agree with Cristy- just throwing up your hands as a doctor is NOT helpful. I hope that the center that Cristy found is helpful!
I also have so many topics that I want to explore and write about that aren’t just recapping something that happened, but it’s hard to find the time. By the time the kids are in bed I just want to zone out in front of the tv.
I realize this sounds extreme, but I’d consult a lawyer about suing for medical malpractice. It would be on a contingent fee basis, so it wouldn’t cost you anything unless you won a judgment. The doctor’s comments are totally unacceptable and you’d be a very sympathetic litigant.
At least make a couple of calls to lawyers and see what they say. I really think it’s worth at least exploring.
I agree you need to keep on trying to get relief and not let your doctor give up. I’d be furious and also very disheartened. So sorry it didn’t work.