I’m sure it can seem sometimes, like I accomplish a lot. And maybe I do. But it definitely comes at a price, and sometimes that price is high.
This past week was really rough. It turns out I really suck at “taking it easy.” There are so many things that need to happen right now, so that future goals can be met, and I found myself attempting to do them despite orders from my doctor to rest.
In the end it all was too much and everything went off the rails. I ended up losing my temper, twice, with my family in ways that were absolutely unacceptable. My kids were scared, my husband was angry and I was ashamed. I had to have some hard conversations and hear some difficult things. I had to face the fact that I can’t actually do everything I want to do right now, that something, perhaps multiple things, are going to have to give.
I’m reconsidering my priorities right now. Being more honest with myself about what is possible this year. I’m gaining the trust of my family back, after having betrayed it so egregiously.
I’m putting this out there because I read a lot of blogs by women who seem to manage it all, and well. I wonder sometimes if I’m proliferating a similar message when I mention all the stuff I do. Because I can get a shit ton of stuff done. But it takes its toll. The stress eventually becomes too great and the pressure releases, usually in a way that makes me feel guilty and ashamed. It’s not a healthy way to live my life, and it’s certainly not sustainable. It’s absolutely not want I want to be modeling for my kids.
And I want to be honest about that here. Because taking on as much as I do isn’t necessarily the right choice. I may have good intentions, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior when I can’t deal with the stress. I need to be honest with myself about what I can manage, and I need to learn to say no. I don’t want to perpetuate the story that women can manage it all, and with a smile. Because I can’t. And it’s okay if you can’t either.
I remember when I needed to announce preemptive time-outs for myself. My childfren were slightly older but it was very effective for us all. You do have a lot on your plate. It is really hard. That you acknowledge errors and apologize is important for your children to hear. Also for them to experience that an apology still leaves marks and takes time to feel fully ok afterwards. So they see a rote ‘I’m sorry’ without actions changing isn’t meaningful.
Hope your surgery wins even if you stressed out.
I appreciate you sharing this. So often we only hear about women (apparently) being superwomen in dealing with the huge amounts of things they have on their plates and the accompanying pressure with no negative repercussions, and if you can’t you’re apparently defective or not planning your time well enough? When I think it’s more the exception than the norm to be able to function that way.
I love this: “I don’t want to perpetuate the story that women can manage it all, and with a smile. Because I can’t. And it’s okay if you can’t either.” Good luck as you sort through your priorities.