My husband and I have some serious work to do. Our kids are suddenly very busy (mostly our daughter) and our afternoons and weekends have become incredibly packed. A lot of transporting kids has to be done, which means a lot of communication has to happen. It’s a game of life tetris that right now, we are losing.
I haven’t seen a friend since before the holidays. I carefully planned the few visits I had with my sister so they would minimally inconvenience my husband. I have been at the dojo about half as much as I originally planned, so I could run errands and take the kids to various things. And yet my husband thinks I’m doing all my own shit, without a care, while he sacrifices at the alter of family commitments.
It really sucks. I’ve been making conscious choices to not do things I want to do, in an attempt to keep him from feeling overwhelmed. And what I get is, Well you’ve been doing all your shit. And I’ve been pulling back to make space for everyone else.
Except I’ve been pulling back from my own shit to make space for everyone else too. I just think that when I’m gone for three hours while my daughter tries her first art class across the city – running errands and killing time because it doesn’t make sense to drive all the way back home – then repeat the trip to get her, it seems like I’m off doing my own thing. Except driving across the city, and then driving to another part of the city to get cat food, is not actually my own thing at all.
I have been sick. I did need significant coverage at home on Sunday and Monday nights, because I couldn’t take off from work. And I did take my parents to a comedy show on Friday (tickets that were delayed a year because of the omicron outbreak). And I have been at the dojo once a week for my own training. And yes, one of those days was a longer 3 hour session, but it was just ONE time in the entire month of January. I was gone another Saturday morning, but instead of going to the dojo like I wanted, I drove to Oakland to get medicine for our kitten because the pharmacy at his old vet fucked up and gave us half as much as they were supposed to in December.
I can tell the something will have to give this spring, and I think it’s going to have to be the dojo. There is no way I can train for my blue belt test with my daughter swimming three times a week, my son at the dojo two times a week and my daughter at art once a week. And if I can’t train for this test I should just quit, because I’ve been a green belt for way too long, and everyone else at my level is testing this spring and I don’t want to be left behind again. If I can’t do this now, it means I can’t do it, period.
And maybe that is what I’ll have to do. This is when most people quit anyway. I’m certainly most people. And my commitments at home mean the dojo will never be the community I want it to be for me, or that it already is for other people.
I suck at community anyway.
Right now there is camp sign ups to figure out and a ski trip to plan for, while learning my new crazy afternoon family taxi schedule. February is going to suck. Maybe March will be better.
But… when you know the reality is that you aren’t just gallivanting around town doing your own thing, why is you giving up your spot of joy/exercise/mental space the answer instead of having the hard discussion with your husband about exactly what you wrote in this point? HE should be taught to understand the difference between running errands and “doing your own thing.” Start making a list of errands that need to be done and have him to half of them so he understands the time involved in picking up cat meds or whatever and so that you do have the time to get to your dojo class or whatever. Always putting yourself last just leads to depression and misery for you and then for those around you. You’ve gotta fill your own cup first and all that.
FYI – “…while he sacrifices at the alter of family commitments” made me literally LOL because it’s so damn true that men tend to feel like they’re the only ones giving up their free time. With that being said, don’t do the same thing yourself!
Do you have a friend you could call to go on a walk with, grab a drink with, etc. on like a Tuesday night? Not seeing friends for that long is NOT good for your mental health either. I think sometimes people feel like they need to commit to an entire evening together so then nothing gets planned, but I’ve been finding that even a 1 hour walk/drink/kitchen chat does wonders for my mood and my friendships.
I have to say I agree with JJ’s comment. The dojo has always seemed important to you and you shouldn’t have to give it up just because your husband doesn’t see the reality of how things really are. Give him some of the errands to run and see how he juggles it. I definitely wouldn’t give up your time at the dojo if it is important to you. You’ve got a family depending on you and if you don’t take care of yourself then you’ll be pouring from an empty cup and then everyone suffers.
JJ has good advice.
Might you need a date out with him where you both share what you are giving up because of greater family needs? And both listen to the other. Because I suspect both of you are doing withouts but NOT sharing that to the other person. Perhaps he would not feel as you do about driving all over creation on errands while a child is in class, or perhaps he does not know it is stressful for you to do so. San Francisco driving is not a picnic and then finding parking……. Glory. I remember going out to dinner in the city and first finding a parking spot…THEN deciding where we would eat…… Yupe. VERY VERY CLEAR MEMORIES.
Deep breathing and please get some rest this weekend. Both of you.
You need the physical exercise you get at the Dojo…. what substitute could you enjoy doing? Would it actually take less time? I have no idea.
Support and good wishes!
I’m super familiar with that game of Tetris. My spouse and I sit down every Sunday to look at the week and figure out who is taking which kid where when. And there are always the times when we realize a kid needs to go somewhere, but it would be hard for either of us to take them and we have complicated negotiations about who gives up what. You are not alone!
One other thought–it seems unfair that your kids get to do activities 2-4 times/week but you’re considering giving up the only activity that you do. I know that we all want our kids to have all of the opportunities, but your needs are important too.