Why I’m Here

Why am I here? In this space? Writing under this name?

{And where did I get that name anyhow?}

It seems I didn’t make these things clear. And I want to, as much for myself as for anybody else.

I’m sure I didn’t explain it very well, because I didn’t really know myself. I might not know even now, but the more I try to write about it, the clearer it will become.

Even now as I try to pin it down, the shape of it alludes me. I see glimpses flashing in and out of my periphery, the shadows of a caged bird in attempted flight. It’s all quick movements and bright colors, disconnected ideas that fail to create a cohesive whole.

I guess I’ll describe what I can and hopefully, the picture will present itself.

At some point along the way–probably when I was officially done having children–my old space started to represent the past. Those years of TTC and pregnancy loss and family building were a bridge between the young woman I was before and the person I am now. As I journeyed away from that transition, I realized how long and far it took me from my old self.

I hardly recognize the woman who wrote the first posts on my original blog. I have changed so much, not just in the conceiving of my children but in the conception of myself as their mother. The years after my daughter was born were just as transformative–maybe even more so–than the struggle to have her. Trying to conceive, pregnancy loss, prenatal anxiety, and the struggles of new motherhood broke me down to my foundation. And then they built me back up.

I did a lot of growing in that space, and I made a fair number of mistakes. Some of them considerable. I exposed myself there in ways I wouldn’t be comfortable with today. While I recognize and understand the motivations of my past self, they don’t apply to the woman I am now.

It felt right to step away from that space–and my old self–and start fresh somewhere else. I needed a definitive action that symbolized a new beginning. Starting this space was a promise to myself to honor all the sacrifices my past self made so I could be the person I am today.

My old space was the past. This space is the present. And the future.

This space is the declaration of a new intention: to live more mindfully of myself and others, to approach my decisions with a clearer purpose, and to recognize the motivation behind each and every action.

This space is my promise to myself, to live with integrity and intention.

I want my writing here to reflect that. I want to understand the purpose of a post before I begin writing it. I want a clear vision of what I’m trying to accomplish so I can better recognize if I succeeded in the attempt. I want my writing to benefit others, and not just myself.

Those ranty, venty posts? They are for me to blow off steam. And they affect others, but not in positive ways. When I use this blog to regulate the pressure building inside me, I release my negativity into the world. I don’t want to do that. I want my contribution to be positive. I want my words to meaningful.

That doesn’t mean I only want to share the good stuff. I personally believe there is a lot more value in sharing the difficult, challenging aspects of life. But I think sharing our struggles can be valuable or not so valuable, depending on how it’s executed. I can share that I feel overwhelmed in a way that is productive for both myself and others, it’s just a lot harder to do than to write a stress-vent about how hard things feel right now.

Writing with a clear intention is challenging. It requires a lot more thought beforehand and considerably more editing afterward. It requires I know what I want to say before I say it. You’d be surprised how frequently I used to write without even knowing what I wanted to say. Now I do that writing in a personal space, not in public for everyone to see. I come here when I’m sure of my message, and how I want to convey it.

That is my final reason for opening my new space: I want a place where this kind of intentional writing–and only this kind of intentional writing–can be found. I want this space to be a collection of posts that I’m proud of, posts that I’m willing and eager to share. I may not use my real name, but I want to feel secure in the knowledge that someone I know may someday read my writing. If I ever contribute to other sites I want to feel confident listing this URL for readers to click back to. This space is my attempt at creating a more professional writing identity. I may not be there yet, but I hope to some day.

This space is a promise to myself, a commitment to my dream of becoming a better writer.

Why then am I not writing under my real name? One of my prerequisites for posting here is that I’d be comfortable with any adult I know reading my work. Comfortable might not be the most accurate word… there are things I write about here that would be awkward for colleagues or acquaintances to read, but I want to be okay with awkward, if the subject matter is compelling enough. What I’m absolutely not comfortable with is my students reading in this space. I just don’t trust middle school students with this kind of personal information, and the reality is, if I write under my real name, sooner or later my students will find it.

So I write under a pseudonym. It’s not ideal but it’s necessary and it’s a decision I considered for a considerable amount of time.

The name I chose is special to me. Noemi and James are the names I had decided on for our hypothetical third child. James was my grandfather’s name and it would have been my name if I were a boy. It has a lot of significance in my family. Noemi is a name I fell in love with when we were trying to name our second child, who was a boy. The K is for my actual first name, a little piece of reality at the center of my fabricated identity. I have fallen in love with this name, though I understand it’s hard for others to embrace it.

So that is why I am writing here, and what I’m trying to accomplish. I hope this post makes it more clear, because I do want people to understand my intention. After all, that is the whole point.

Why do you write in your space? Do you better understand now why I’m writing in mine?