Not a Wasted Word

I’m not gonna lie, the struggle is real and it continues over here. My sleep is shit, which is the most prominent issue, and makes managing the hot flashes and other symptoms harder. Cutting out dairy isn’t resolving my GI issues completely and some dairy substitutes do NOT agree with me either. I’m feeling pretty despondent most of the time. But there have been some bright spots, and I wanted to record them here lest you think my life is just a series of perimenopausal indignities.

The 11yo got into the middle school of his choice, as did many of his friends. I expect the next three years will be harder for him than they were for the 14yo (she had a remarkably positive middle school experience) and I’m glad he gets to be where he wants to be for it.

My rosacea is better (gone?). I’m attributing this win to the Rx cream, even though my rosacea flared quite a bit after my two weeks of using it, but also maybe whatever hellish cocktail of hormones is making me crazy is also making my skin look nice? Who knows. The only constant in my life right now is not having any fucking idea, but at least in this case I can be happy about what I don’t understand.

I made myself an appointment on the Tuesday of my break week. It’s with someone random which I’m okay with because I am not a fan of my GP. Hopefully my concerns will be taken seriously. We shall see. I couldn’t get an appointment with my OB (without taking a day off work) until 5/7. I may try to make an earlier appointment (and take a day off), but that honestly might be a good time to go, because I’ll have been dealing with the symptoms for a while then.

I’m stepping up at the dojo and am proud of what I’ve been doing. I taught my first general adult class last Saturday and helped a couple kids break their boards all by myself. I feel a lot more comfortable in my role as a teacher at the dojo and enjoying my responsibilities in that role more.

The husband and I have had some random pockets kid-free of time lately and we’ve actually taken advantage of them. I feel like in the past we’ve been so dumbstruck by unexpected kid-free time that we just squandered it, but lately we’ve turned on a show or taken a walk or grabbed a quick bite to eat. It’s been nice to make good use of that time.

We’re spending two nights in Monterey at the beginning of next week. My spring break is a week after my kids’ spring break, so we can’t go on the trip to Death Valley that I wanted, but I’m taking two days off at the start of the kids break so we can away for a quick jaunt. We’re mostly going to the aquarium on Monday, but I’m looking forward to just getting away for a couple days. I think about it a lot, and I’m glad we finally committed to doing it.

I got to see the 14yo win her event at a high school swim meet. She wasn’t sure she wanted me to come, but at the last minute she said I could be there and I was and she won! We had a nice conversation in the car, during which she declared us best friends. I am so thrilled that our relationship is that close and I hope I never do anything to jeopardize her trust in me.

I did not mean to peace out for so long, and I am sorry. It’s been a rough couple weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to come here and write about it because I know what I’m going through is not an actual health crisis, that most women have to deal with it at some point, and so I felt I shouldn’t come here and bitch. I mean, I thought that was why I wasn’t coming here (especially when I was thinking about SHU so much and all that she’s been through with her very real health crisis), but now I’m pretty sure it was something else.

I think the real reason that I didn’t come here to write about it was because I really wasn’t sure what was going on. It seems so obvious to attribute hot flashes, horrible sleep and GI issues to perimenopause, but I struggle to know if I am even in perimenopause myself. I am 44, and have diminished ovarian reserve. I didn’t cycle for most of my 20s, and when I did my cycles were short 16-20 days and my “period” was just spotting. Then I got an ablation (because my prolapse prevented me from wearing a tampon and I like to swim), and stopped having even the erratic bleeding I used to experience. I did eventually have some spotting, and sometimes it would line up with other symptoms like moodiness, bloating and tender breasts (that was always a big one for me) which led me to believe that hormones were fluctuating in a way that at least mimicked cycles. I had some minor hot flashes a couple years ago and my mood was all over the place so I assumed I was in perimenopause then. And it’s been over a year since I’ve had any kind of cycle symptoms or spotting, so I assumed I was in menopause already.

In the last year, when my sleep went to shit, I assumed that was also menopause because I heard that was a common issue for women pretty much forever after “the change.” So I was super surprised when I started having hot flashes (way more intense than last time) and really bad GI issues (sometimes the bloating was so bad I couldn’t do anything but lay in bed for several hours) and I thought, what the what? But I assumed it was perimenopause again, since I didn’t have a real lack of cycles to prove otherwise, and started reading up on all the trouble it can cause.

Except the really bad shit started not long after I started a new medication. I assumed the new medication would be no big deal because I’ve been on Ritalin forever, and Concerta is so similar that when I first saw the name of the drug on the Rx bottle I assumed the refill was a mistake, and I had been given Ritalin again (I swear there were only hour letters difference in the two). So surely starting that would be no big deal. I have literally never had adverse affects with any drug, except I always get a yeast infection when I take antibiotics.

(This is another thing I wondered about! Because I just took antibiotics for the first time in forever in January, for the sinus infection, and I def had some GI stuff after that, because I started taking probiotics to try to improve them. So was the really bad GI stuff just a compounding of that issue?!)

And maybe it was the antibiotics, or the Concerta!! And I realized that it was the not knowing that was driving me crazy. It was the not knowing that kept me from writing here. Because every symptom I have can be attributed to the Concerta, or to perimenopause, or even a really bad imbalance in my gut biome. So what the fuck should I suspect.

Oh, and I started thinking that my GI issues were a new lactose intolerance, which is also linked to perimenopause, and antibiotics (but not Concerta?). I stopped eating dairy for a few days and the GI symptoms dissipated, but when I ate some Thursday, they kind of came back, but not nearly as bad as before (though I slept HORRIBLY Thursday night – I was up from 2-4:30am and I was wondering if that was because I ate dairy that day). Everything is a possible sign, and none of them point anywhere.

So basically I have no answers. And I hate not having answers. I can accept a lot of things if I know what I am accepting. I even accepted lactose intolerance when I thought that might be it, even though I eat tons of dairy and would have to overhaul my whole diet, and not eat foods I love. I’d honestly rather stop eating dairy, knowing it would manage my GI issues, than not be sure of what was causing it.

But now I’m not sure again. I really don’t know. And it’s driving me crazy. I stopped taking the Concerta, and am back on the Ritalin and I guess I’ll see how it goes. I am taking notes on what I eat and how I feel. My guess is will be like the dairy, a suggestion of an answer but not a definitive one.

And I’m sad to leave the Concerta behind because I really liked only taking it once a day, and I think it worked as well as the Ritalin, even though I was taking a lower dose. So it will be hard to not have a definitive answer.

In the meantime, thank you to all the new commenters who shared with me their experiences with HRT after less than positive experiences (unapproved comments do not show up in my email so I only saw them Friday night). If stopping the Concerta does nothing for my other symptoms (mostly the heat flashes and sleep), I will definitely talk to my OB again about HRT. Maybe there is a concoction I can handle! Or maybe the sleep deprivation will make me more amenable to other side affects. Or maybe I’ll ask about the non-HRT prescription for hot flashes. Or Wellbutrin! I took Wellburtin when I was depressed and SSRIs weren’t working and thought it was the most helpful thing I had tried. I’m not sure if I can take any of these while on ADHD meds, but it’s just good to know there might options out there and I REALLY appreciating people sharing with me. THANK YOU!!!!

So yeah, that is where I’ve been. It wasn’t really that I didn’t think my issues were worth writing about, it was that I wasn’t sure how to write about them when I was so unsure of what was going on. I’m trying to accept that there will be no definitive answer, but that I’ll have to see how my symptoms change. The only truly proactive thing I can do is track supplements, food, symptoms and how I’m feeling. That is the only way to recognize the patterns that might provide real information. So I’m doing that. And I’ll keep you all updated when I have more information.

But I promise I’ll post about something else – anything else – before then.

I’m not feeling great these days. Hot flashes are a daily, and nightly, occurrence. As well as digestive issues, that can lead to uncomfortable, if not painful, bloating. My allergies are nuts right now; I’m sneezing like crazy. All the nose blowing has created a couple staff infections in my nasal passages that are quite painful. My lower back is acting up and I seem to have pulled a muscle in my left quad. As you can imagine, I’m sleeping like shit, which makes me irritable on top of everything else. I’m a hot mess right now (literally and figuratively. Ha!)

In case you’re unsure how bad it’s gotten, my husband offered to take the kids this weekend so I could “have some time.” He just offered that to me. If you’ve read me for any length of time, you know how out of character that is for him.

It doesn’t help that work has been wonky this week. The 7th graders are at outdoor ed, and I have two classes that are mostly 7th graders. Usually I get a few 8th graders from some other class that is mostly 7th grade and they join my few 8th graders, but this year I am covering two completely different classes, one 6th grade and one 8th grade PE*. Oh and I have my 4-5 8th graders with me in those classes. It’s not exactly hard, but it’s not conducive to getting work done.

And I need to get work done because its the end of the trimester! Except when I get home I’m so tired and annoyed (and sweaty) that I don’t want to do anything, and I end up sitting on the couch, staring at my phone.

Today I left work early and ran some errands, before getting home around 4pm. I soooo wanted to just sit on the couch and play games on my phone, but I got out my work bag and scored a bunch of stuff that I need ready for tomorrow! I was so proud of myself for something that I used to do almost every day, no problem. Ugh. Everything feels really hard right now.

Yes, I know I can talk to my OBGYN about the hot flashes and IG/bloating issues, but I know she’ll just offer me HRT which I’m not interested in (because any form of birth control made me feel crazy, and HRT is the same hormones in birth control). The hot flashes have been happening for a week, so maybe they will chill out moving forward? Obviously I will research possibly treatments more if they continue to bother me as much as they are now.

Tomorrow is going to be an intense day at work, but I’ll get through it and it will be okay eventually. The kids have six days off for spring break the week (and earlier Friday) before I do, so I may take that Monday and Tuesday off so we can go somewhere close by (maybe Monterey?). I can’t take the Thursday or Friday off before my break anymore – that is not allowed! So if I do it’ll be at the beginning of their break. It will be nice to go somewhere with them, but I don’t love taking days off right before a break (I’d prefer to use them in early May, in the middle of the eight week stint with no days off).

I’m still in a reading rut. I understand Alas de Onyx better now, but I’m not into it as much as the first two. And I just cannot give a shit about The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store. I’m telling myself it’s okay if I don’t finish it, but I’ve NEVER not finished a book club book. Blerg, I guess there’s a first for everything.

Speaking of a first for everything, today I bought a pair of Lululemon leggings at FULL price. This is only the second thing I’ve ever bought from there, the first being a pair of yoga pants on deep (for them) discount. My mom bought me a pair of their dance pants OVER 10 YEARS ago that I still wear, but I’ve never actually bought anything there for myself until recently. Today I was in the store because I had to return clothes to another store and while I was waiting in line to get a bra on sale I saw a pair of yoga pant leggings with a piece of fabric that kind of scrunches over at the top in the prettiest dusty rose color, and I went to try them on to show myself they wouldn’t be as nice as I expected but they were! and they were buttery soft and I got them. I never get clothes like that at full price – pretty much all my clothes are purchased on sale, now that I think about it – but places like Lululemon have always been way out of my price range. And yet I got them. And I’m stoked about it. Maybe hot-flash me just has no fucks left to give about spending $100+ on a pair of yoga pants (okay I kind of cringed writing that… shrug emoji)

I don’t love coming on here to bitch and moan (and please know that I recognize that these are MINOR health issues, and I’m grateful every day that I’m not facing more serious conditions), but it’s where I am at right now. I have found my gratitude practice shining through quite a bit in the moment, when I feel grateful for small things or certain circumstances (that I’m not scoring any new work for two of my classes this week, and that I choose to watch Encanto with the 6th graders so I have some time to grade paper, to name a few). It’s not all awful, these are just new and annoying symptoms that I’m not used to. Oh and I’m sleeping very poorly because of them.

And I know I haven’t been writing about it much (at all?) but the political situation, which is causing incredible stress, (as you all are acutely aware). I actually thought the hot flashes were just stress responses at first. And maybe they are related? But needless to say, stress is the air we’re all swimming in right now, and I’d be remiss in trying to explain my state of mind without mentioning it.

* I LOATHE subbing PE. I hated the class as a kid and I hate “teaching” it now.

Sa 2/1: Sims 60: Hip Hop Bike Boot Camp (9/10/24). This was really hard, but I fucking rocked it.

Su 2/2: Strong Glutes Week 3, Session 5 + 45 mins on elliptical

M 2/3: Teach forms + Basics (2 hrs)

Tu 2/4: Forms + Sparring Concepts + Sparring (2.5 hrs)

W 2/5: Rest

Th 2/6: 15 min 90’s Rock Ride w/ Jenn Sherman (15 best + 25th ride! – I do more bike boot camps) + 10 min Fore w/ Jess Sims (she’s back!) + 10 min Arm & Shoulders w/ Rebecca Kennedy + Strong Glutes Week 3 Routine 6 (16mins)

F 2/7: Rest

Sa 2/8: Teach Teens + Sparring + Forms + High Belt (4 hrs)

Su 2/9: 60 minute run (with walking breaks) + Strong Glutes Week 4 Routine 7 (20 mins) + 15 mins of upper body and core.

M 2/10: Rest (working on sub plans)

Tu 2/11: Sim 60 Advanced! I rocked this and it was really hard!

W 2/12: General + High Belt (2 hrs)

Th 2/13: 45 mins elliptical + Strong Glutes Week 4 Routine 8 (22 mins)

F 2/14: Rest

Sa 2/15: Teach Teens + Sparring + Forms (3 hrs)

Su 2/16: 10 min climb ride w/ Camilla + Strong Glutes Week 5 Routine 9 (30 mins) + 20 minute Arms & Shoulders with Ray (Beginner with the husband!) + 10 min Core w/ Ben (beginner with the husband!) – These were the husband’s first strength workouts ever! He was feeling it the next day.

M 2/17: Short walk to brunch. Ha!

Tu 2/18: Forms + Sparring Concept + Sparring (2.5 hrs)

W 2/19: General + High Belt (2 hrs)

Th 2/20: 60 min run (with maybe 10 mins walking?) + 10 stability ball abs + Strong Glutes Week 5 Routine 10

F 2/21: Rest

Sa 2/22: Teach Teens + Sparring + Forms + High Belt (4 hrs)

Su 2/23: 30 min Bike Boot Camp: Upper Body w/ Jess Sims + Strong Glutes Week 6 Routine 11 (25 mins) + 10 mins Core w/ Jess Sims

M 2/24: Rest

Tu 2/25: Forms + Sparring Concepts + Sparring (2.5 hrs)

W 2/26: 4 mile run (fewer miles but also less walking!) + Strong Glutes Week 6 Routine 12 (the last one!)

Th 2/27: 30 min Intervals & Arms ride w/ Tunde (2/20/25) + 10 min stability ball abs

Fr 2/28: Rest (TGIF with old colleagues! So fun!)

I can’t believe this is my final February FIGS post. Maybe I’ll keep up some kind of gratitude practice here on the blog, because I do think articulating things I appreciate makes me better appreciate them!

SATURDAY 2/22 My Teens class went well. It was the first time I didn’t have to look at a lesson plan because I was teaching what we did in General class just two days before. The 11yo went home early so I got to focus on my own training for two hours. We watched Uncharted as a family, which is a ridiculous movie but a lot of fun (the 11yo is playing the video game right now, and the 14yo loves Tom Holland).

SUNDAY 2/23 The 11yo and I went down to the mall I spent a significant portion of my life in during high school to pick up a LEGO set that has been out of stock since November! I wanted to get him this LEGO Fortnite Battleship set for Christmas, and then for earning his red belt, but it’s been sold out until now. They just got them in on Friday, so I was stoked we could get it that weekend. We also ate out, and it’s always nice to chat with the 11yo, who is not as chatty as his sister. The 14yo got to have friends over partly while we were away and partly while the 11yo build the LEGO set.

MONDAY 2/24 I was NOT prepared for work and it was kind of spectacularly bad, the culmination of which was when I realized my coffee had tipped over on my desk, and a bunch of papers were drenched. I had to throw so much away. The whole day at work kind of sucked, except both my 1A classes invented their first stories and both were actually really good! Sometimes they don’t come together, but these first two were a lot of fun. I kind of rocked the evening (the husband was at a work event), and I appreciated that after dropping so many balls at work earlier. It was nice to not have anything to do or anywhere to go, after a busy weekend.

TUESDAY 2/25 A much better day at work. I felt pretty decent at sparring. I might – just might! – be on the far edge of the plateau I’ve been navigating at the dojo. It’s hard to feel like you’re putting so much time in, and not improving, but last night I got glimmers of progress. Fingers crossed!

WEDNESDAY 2/26 It was a BEAUTIFUL day. Low 70s! Even in the city! To be clear, the low 70s in a warm day in the summer here, so it was very much appreciated. I told the 14yo I would pick her up from swim, and I realized the timing would be perfect for me to run at the Great Highway, then pick her up. So I did! There are still cars on the Great Highway during the week, which I didn’t realize (but was not bummed out about, I do not think it needed to be turned into a park), but there is a nice trail right next to it so I ran there. The weather was gorgeous – I was perfect in shorts and a tank top.

I was going to offer to take the 14yo to In-n-Out, then she asked and was THRILLED when I said yes. It was nice to make her happy. At home I really didn’t want to do my Strong Glutes program, and was kind of devastated when I realized it was 33 mins long, but I knew I’d want to do it less tomorrow. When I started the video, I was informed that it was the last routine! I finished all six weeks (for me eight, because I repeated both weeks 1 and 2) of the program! I will say, it’s made a huge difference. I was absolutely not activating my glutes before, and now I feel that when I do any lower body movements. I’m so glad I bought the program, and that it has helped relieve my piriformas pain. I still have some tight TFL and psoas stuff going on, but the piriformas syndrome is gone. I need to figure out what I’m going to do maintain this hard one glute strength and activation.

THURSDAY 2/27 WHAT A DAY! There was a massive accident on 101 in the morning (a 16 wheeler jack knifed across three lanes and spilled 160 gallons of diesel fuel on the roadway) and it took me 1.5 hours to get to work. At one point after I screamed a couple expletives into the void, I almost immediately thought thank goodness my commute isn’t like this every day. And honestly, that thought was genuine because so many people in the Bay Area have incredibly long commutes where bad traffic is unavoidable and I do not have that kind of commute at all. It used to be bad when I lived in a more central area of the city, (and I wondered many times a year if I could keep it up), but now that we live on the south side it’s super easy to get to and from work. I feel like having that genuine moment of gratitude during an incredibly unpleasant and stressful (I was almost late for work) episode, is absolutely the fruit of my gratitude practice this month. And that I was grateful for my own gratitude! I love that kind of cycle!

Also this patch I got for my new gi came early, so I was able to sew it on last night! Now I can wear it on Saturday (the patch was originally supposed to come on Saturday).

FRIDAY 2/28 This morning I’m thankful that I got a spot in the parking lot right outside my classroom, despite leaving later than I had intended to. I’m excited to see some now-retired colleagues today at a work happy hour, and am very grateful I get to go despite my daughter’s first high school swim meet (she didn’t want me to go because she doesn’t think parents go to these things – it’s also really early (4pm!) and at a pool totally across town, so it would have been really hard to get to on time from my work). I’m so grateful that it’s Friday, because this week steam rolled all of us, and I’m so tired and am looking forward to the weekend.

A big thank you again to Elizabeth for prompting me, and so many of us, to Find Joy in Gratitude this month. I really do think it made a difference for my outlook and mood. If you want to read other blogger’s FIGS from this past month, you can see Fresh Figs round ups from Week 1, Week 2, and Week 3 on Elizabeth’s blog.

It’s Sunday and my break is over. While I’d rather not be going to work tomorrow, I’m okay with the end of the break. I didn’t do as much around the house as I wanted and the clutter and chaos is starting to bother me, but I clearly needed to prioritize rest this week and I’m trying to be okay with my choices. I still have some work to do tonight, but I don’t think I’ll be cursing my choices tomorrow morning.

I have been struggling with reading lately. I’m having a hard time with Alas de Onyx (Onyx Storm in Spanish). I feel like I can’t remember the characters or the back story and I’m constantly confused. I finally read a summary of Iron Flame and while it reminded me of some important plot points, I still don’t feel like I know what’s going on in the third book. My daughter loved Onyx Storm though so I’m pretty sure this is a me problem.

I’m also really struggling with The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store, which is a book club book. I don’t know why but I never want to listen to it. I’m just not invested in any of the characters yet. I never am curious to know what happens next. I know this books was highly acclaimed and widely regarded as amazing so I’m not sure why I’m struggling so much. I just keep listening to old episodes or If Books Could Kill and Maintenance Phase instead of listening to real books.

I also keep buying clothes for myself, which I absolutely don’t need. And then the sizes aren’t right so I buy them in another size so I can return the first one I got, even though what I should be doing is JUST returning the original. I absolutely have too many clothes as it is, and even after filling an IKEA bag with items I rarely wear anymore. I still feel not great about the purchases. Having said that, I highly doubt I’ll be retuning it all once the new sizes come.

I’m not sure how I feel about my new medication. I wasn’t at work this week so it’s hard to know how effective it is. My new psych recommended I take a day off every week, to maintain efficacy, so I’m not taking it today. I guess this coming week I’ll have a better idea.

I also went to my first Adult ADHD Support Group via Zoom on Friday. The topic was “interrupting,” which is one of the things I still struggle with the most, so I was motivated by the topic. It was helpful to know this is an area where other people with ADHD struggle, I did not find much or the information helpful. While it was helpful to explore why I want to interrupt, and to learn the social dynamics of different kinds of interruptions, the suggestions to take three breaths before you say anything or to slow your thoughts down so you’re not bored or formulating what you’re going to say didn’t feel very useful. If I could slow by thoughts down or not be bored by every day interactions I absolutely would! Then I wouldn’t have any problems!

Back to prescriptions, yesterday was the last day of my two weeks of topical rosacea medication and I’m pretty sure I’m just going to flair up again because I had a mini-flair while I was using it. I guess we’ll see how I do, but I don’t feel very hopeful that this will keep my rosacea at bay in the long run, and I have a lot of reservation about long term low dose antibiotics, which is what I think was suggested as the next treatment. We shall see.

Today the 14yo has friends coming over but the 11yo does not so he and I will be hanging out a bit. I wanted to get him the LEGO Fortnite Battle Bus when he earned his red belt, but it has been sold out since a month before Christmas. It’s finally in stock and we can grab it from a store down by my work today, so that will kill time and give him something fun to do. I’m hoping to convince him of gettin rid of his snap ships so he has a place to put it too.

Bonus item, my dad shared this with me and it’s so spot on. As Homer Simpson once said, “I t’s funny because it’s true.”

Thanks again to Elizabeth for prompting these posts with her F.I.G. Collective! I literally just stepped in dog shit but I still need to publish this post so here we go. Needless to say, even with shit on my shoe, there was plenty to be thankful for this week.

SATURDAY 2/15 So happy it’s Saturday. And the start of my week off! The 11yo and I spent a couple hours at the dojo, but left early to see Dog Man with his friend. The 14yo joined us. We’ve read all the Dog Man books (in Spanish and English) many times, so it was fun to see the movie.

SUNDAY 2/16 The 11yo got moved up to level 6 in swimming! The 14yo never made it to level 6, I wondered if they ever actually moved kids up. But the 11yo made it and he got into the class at the same on Sundays so it’s kind of perfect. He’s a good swimmer, and I even though he isn’t currently interested in swimming on a team, I want him to have the option later. So I’m really excited that he made it into the stroke technique class, where they refine their strokes and work more on stamina.

Later my parents took the kids so the husband and I could hang out. I got to read for two hours! It was glorious. Then we both started working out separately, and came together for a couple strength classes. I was notified by Peloton that because I’m paying for the most expensive membership (so I can use it on my bike) I can create accounts for family members, which I did for my husband. It was the first strength class my husband has completed in a long time and I’m so glad he did it. I hope he keeps using his account, and all the equipment we have to build strength.

MONDAY 2/17 We finally got to try the chilequiles torta at the New Mexican spot (even though it wasn’t on the menu that day) and it was great, but not as good as their Torta Loca. I hope that is on the menu again soon.

I got to read a ton – I finished my book! – and we all watched Parks and Rec together.

TUESDAY 2/18 Yay for a day off! I got my new Rx and gave it a try. It’s not a panacea but it helps! And this week will not be a panacea either, but it’s definitely an opportunity to unwind from my tightly coiled daily head space. And I got some good things done, like taking the 11yo to the dentist, which I don’t love to do, but is much easier to get done when I’m not trying to book it out of work super quickly to pick him up. I much prefer having the opportunity to get it done this week.

WEDNESDAY 2/19 I watched a lot of Netflix and read. I also picked up a book my dad recommended, Ficciones by Jorge Luis Borges, which was at my library so I didn’t even have to put it on hold. The 11yo went to his grandparents’ house and I got some of the afternoon as well. At the dojo, we did a sensitivity class that I can use for my blocking class on Saturday, which I’m very thankful for because I am no good at teach blocking classes.

THURSDAY 2/20 It was beautiful, just like my weather app had been promising all week, so I went for a run. At first my regular route was closed so I went backwards assuming I’d have to just double back instead of running the circle, but then they stopped me on the way and told me they were closing what was behind me and opening the front of my route. Woot! I felt okay. Not great, but the side stitch I had at the start went away so I’ll take it!

FRIDAY 2/21 Today did not start out great. I slept past my alarms and was 20 minutes late getting up the 14yo, so I told her I’d take her to school, but then she didn’t need a ride, but I felt bad refunding my offer so I took her. Then I went to get bagels at Noah’s, except after I paid for a dozen, eight of which were plain, they told me they were out of plain. So I waited the 40 minutes for plain bagels only because I needed to wait for PerFo to open. But when it did there was no one to check us out, so after 15 minutes they finally told us it would be another 15 minutes, which I didn’t really believe so I left. My FIG here is that a truly fresh bagel (like right out of the oven) is heavenly. Also, even though I left all the perishables for the quick grocery trip I took to kill time in the trunk of my car (now for several hours), I bought a bag of ice in case the bagel debacle took longer than expected so I think it will all be okay! Definitely not the way I wanted to end the week, but I did get my nephew’s birthday present mailed today, and I even got everyone in my family to sign the card before they left this morning.

I just had lunch with my husband downtown at an amazing Latin Caribbean spot. I haven’t met him for lunch on a work day in a long time. Definitely a FIG.

This is a post about mental health and disordered eating. If those are not topics you want to tackle today, please step away.

Tuesday morning I had a video appointment with a new psychiatrist. I thought the appointment was just going to be a quick, “here is my ADHD meds history and this is why I want to try a new medication” chat. Instead it was an in depth psychological history that took over an hour.

I had to recount my years of clinical depression and all the SSRIs that didn’t help it. And the diagnosis of Bi-Polar II in college, and intense anxiety I had to manage with Zoloft while I was pregnant.

I had to revisit my many years of disordered eating and the despair I felt at my lowest points, when I thought every day of my life would be consumed by the desire to eat, but the certainty that I shouldn’t. She was surprised to learn that I never received the diagnosis of an eating disordered (because I hid it from everyone, including health care providers, and never reached a low enough weight that people were worried about me, instead of being thrilled by how I looked) and that I was able to break my disordered eating patters without professional help. And I did, but man were those years hard. It was a dark time and I’m thankful that I’m not there anymore. I’ve only revisited that mindset once or twice, for brief periods in the past 20 years, and both times I was so devastated to recognize those thought patterns that I immediate searched for supports to break them.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank all that is good in this world that my kids don’t seem to have any issues with body image. Do I wish they ate more whole foods, yes, but I was also a picky kid who eventually developed a broader pallet so that doesn’t bother me as much. And I don’t want to comment on their bodies, but I will say that they don’t give any reason for my mom (or my MIL for that matter) to make any passive aggressive comments about them. It feels like a cop out, because I’m not being forced to face the lingering fat phobia in my extended family, but I’m so thankful that I don’t have to with regards to my kids. (I do say things to my mom when she makes inappropriate comments about other people’s bodies, but I’m sure it would feel different if she were commenting on my kids’ bodies.)

{By the way, the podcast Maintenance Phase really helped me understand how misconceived, or downright false, the narratives around body size are and I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to rewrite their own ideas about body size and health.}

And then we talked about my ADHD, and all the ways it has manifested in my life. Sometimes it’s still so hard to have it, and it’s all I can do not to waste my time wishing I didn’t have it, wondering what I’d be like if basic social and organizational skills weren’t so freaking hard. I said I would try an adult ADHD workshop through Kaiser, but I don’t actually believe they provide me with any suggestions I haven’t heard before. I know there are positives associated with ADHD, I’m sure my energy, enthusiasm and creativity have something to do with the way my brain works, but I’m pretty sure the positives are outweighed by the negatives, at least for me.

Sometimes I look back on my past and feel like I’ve left all the pain and diagnoses behind. Sometimes I think I’m not dealing those difficulties now only because things in my life are relatively stable. I try to focus on where I am now, and not dwell on where I might be in the future. I wish my mental health history was not so fraught, but it is, and in the last fifteen years things have been better. I attribute that to ADHD medication, skills I’ve learned along the way, and an incredible amount of luck.

When I was in my early twenties and really struggling, I would have found such solace in knowing that by 44 I’d have a stable job, a loving husband, two amazing kids, a decent relationship with food and a solid belief that I will be okay. I wish I could go back and assure her that things would get better. Because man, there were days when I really didn’t believe that. Those days were long and dark and I’m so grateful to have put them behind me.

It’s been great to post my February FIGS these past two weeks, but I’ve missed writing regular posts. This week I’m off, but the kids are in school, so I have some hours each day to get some stuff done. Of course my husband just came down with whatever the 11yo had last week, which means I’m caring for him, and waiting to feel sick myself. I’m sure to get it, since we spent a solid 24 hours together, I just hope I get it while I’m off and not next week when I should be back at work. It’s a really shitty week for my husband to be sick, and he’s still planning on going to a press conference today (in a mask), so let’s just say it’s not the relaxing atmosphere I was hoping for.

This week last year we were in Mexico City for a week without the kids. It was our first trip without them, and it was glorious. We’ve been remembering what we did each day and it’s been nice to revisit that time together. I’m so glad we got to take the trip. I hope we can travel together again sometime soon. (That trip was for our 10/15 anniversary, so I suppose in another 4 years we can celebrate our 15/20 anniversary! Eek!)

I have been trying to figure out what I want to get done during this break. I have some work tasks that have to happen, because Trimester 2 ends in two weeks, and the 7th graders go away to outdoor ed the last week of the grading period, which means all their work needs to be in the grade book now. I’d also like to get a couple biggish things done around the house, but I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself.

Yesterday ended up being pretty full of appointments and errands. I had a video appointment that ran way longer than expected, then I hit up the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription, and Costco afterward because they are right next to each other. The dentist office called saying they had an opening at 2pm for the 11yo, who missed his teeth cleaning last week when he was sick. It seemed like a decent time to go, he’d only miss an hour of school and we’d get it done while I was off, so I took it. That required picking him up and taking him to dentist. Then we got his favorite meal on the way home, which he ate before we headed to the dojo for several hours. We didn’t get home until almost 9pm.

Last night I slept horribly, but I still had to get up at 6:30am to get the 14yo up and eating breakfast, and to get both kids’ lunches ready. After I took the 11yo to school, I came home and tried to sleep and I did! I just woke up after over two hours of a sleep so deep that when I woke up I assumed I had slept past my alarms and was late getting the kids to school. I was so disoriented when I realized I was in my son’s room (I was sleeping in there because it is pitch black and my husband wasn’t sure if he was going to work or not yet). I really can’t believe I took that nap. I never can nap during the day, so my body clearly needed it.

Tonight I’m going to the general class at the dojo, then attending their quarterly board meeting. I have never been to the dojo’s board meeting (it’s a non-profit, so it has to have a board that meets regularly), but I feel like I’m participating so much now as a teacher, that I should probably start going. I love how my commitment to the dojo has grown in the past years, and I’m excited to honor that commitment more tonight.

My only other goal for today is to hit up the library to grab a book that my branch miraculously has. It’s drizzling now, so I’ll probably eat lunch and then head over there.

I’m not really sure what I’ll do with the next two days. I got some of my work done yesterday, and I’ll probably tackle some today. It’s the kind I can do with a show on in the background, so it will be nice to do that while no one is home.

I also have another post to write, which I started here and then decided should be moved to it’s own space. It’s kind of heavy, but since I started it I hope to finish it.

I have to admit, I like this random week off in February. It means we get out later in the summer, but I’d rather have more time off during the year, and a shorter summer, so I’m okay with it. I know not all teachers feel that way, so I’m glad I appreciate how it’s set up. I have a different spring break from my kids this year, which is a bummer in many ways, but which means I’ll get some more time like this in a early April. It helps me not get to worked up over how I use my time now.