Not a Wasted Word

This is not a great era for me, but of course there are bright spots, and I want to make sure to recognize them, for my own sake as much as yours.

Book club was nice. We had differing views on the book which makes for a lively discussion. Also the food was delicious.

Easters was fun! My parents put out a lovely spread and we ate leisurely before the kids went outside to look for eggs. We had BEAUTIFUL weather – it was almost too hot to stay in the backyard! The kids are old enough that they don’t get stressed about the egg hunt and my parents have chilled out enough that they can enjoy the time with us instead of trying to host. It’s nice not to sit down for a meal, but to hang out in the kitchen for a little bit. It was just a nice way to spend a few hours, and I can remember back to when family holidays were NOT nice ways to spend a few hours, so I’m reveling in this one.

We met up with my friend and her family at a little parklet and played kickball with them and it was really fun. My family does not generally play ball games out in the wild, but we all rallied and had a great time. Definitely better than trying to talk while the younger kids (my friends’) interrupted to play and the older kids (mine) interrupted to complain.

Getting new tires put on the car at Costco was not hard at all. It took a little longer than they said, but honestly, the experience was very positive (I didn’t even need “I’m saving $1K” mindset that I planned to fall back on to lubricate long wait times or other inconveniences). I will definitely do it again.

I discovered Lanebreaks on my Peleton bike and it’s been so fun to get in 15-30 minute rides this week while I’m doing the Upper Body with Tunde program. I definitely miss Bike Bootcamps, and am looking forward to starting them up again next week (when I’m done with the strength program), but it was so nice to find rides I wanted to do in the meantime. I don’t know why, but I’m just not that interested in having someone talk to me on the bike for 20-30 minutes, and have struggled to stay on for longer than 15 minutes in the past. Now I’m eager to do 20 or even 30 minutes playing the Lanebreak game, where you move across the lanes as you change resistance, have to up your pace in some areas, and complete output bursts in others, all to fun music. I started in “Hard” and quickly moved to “Challenging” and find myself at way higher resistances than I ever attempted in regular classes. It’s been really fun, and I’m really happy I discovered them. My son even tried and really likes it! They’ve gamified exercise everyone, and we’re here for it.

Taking the cats to the vet was not awful. Panther yowled the ENTIRE ride there and back, but neither needed shots or other services so we were in and out pretty quickly. Panther’s red eye only requires monitoring, thank goodness (I was somewhat worried they were going to tell me I should have brought her in sooner) and they were kind about recommending we watch Serval’s weight. He does continue to gain weight, so I think they’re right that we should try to at least get him to a place where his weight is stable. We have some first steps to take there, and he’s not going to like them, but he’ll be okay.

I got a couple 6.5 hour nights of sleep! This may sound awful, but when you’re averaging under 6 you’ll celebrate the extra half hour I promise. Last night I got under six hours again, and I could feel it. I just want to see that number get bigger.

I randomly remembered that I never finished Kevin Follet’s World Without End (Un Mundo Sin Fin) in Spanish) so I started it up again and it feels kind of perfect for right now. It was a great time to come back to the book, plot wise, and there hasn’t been anything I can’t remember. The plague just came to Kingsbridge, which is stressful and is putting a bit of a damper on my happiness to “pick up the book” again, but I’m hoping the carnage (to the main characters) wouldn’t be too severe. I love when I am actually excited to continue a book that I stopped reading for whatever reason. Woot!

I also LOVED the fisrt of the three Chip Zdarsky Batman comics I got. My Batman comic obsession was before even my oldest blog, so I don’t think I’ve written much (anything?) about it anywhere, but lets just say I used to read a LOT of Batman comics and I haven’t picked one up in over a decade, and this story has been really fun to read. It has everything I LOVE about Batman, and the art is fantastic.

The high school teacher came and administered the placement test to my 8th graders today, and they did a good job. I was really worried they would be disrespectful, or freak out, but they listened and were clearly trying their best. The test was also a lot less difficult than I, and the students (from what I gathered) expected. I did not get anything done while they took it, and ended up losing time talking to the high school teacher, but I was really nervous for this and I’m relieved it’s over.

Oh and my school printer still works even though a little piece broke off. And the off-brand ink cartridge I got works! (I think you can fill in the blanks on this one.)

I have SOOOOOO much coming up in May (the yearbook is due, the free reading program will end and I’ll be hosting a tamale party for the students who black out their boards, all the classes will invent and film their final video skits, parents will come to see all the video skits during our Celebration of Learning, and finally I’ll be testing for my red belt. EEK!Honestly, thinking about it all makes me kind of panicky so I’m trying to identify what I can and should do in the next week and attempting to keep the rest of it out of my head. I’m also trying to embrace the fact that there will be little to no downtime for the next 4-5 weeks, and remind myself that in mid-June my summer break starts. I can lock in for 4-5 weeks.

I meant to post this much earlier and now everyone will read it on Friday, but it’s not a Five on Friday post and you know what, that is okay. Because no one cares, and I shouldn’t either.

Physical

I got a FitBit Inspire 3 to track my heart rate and sleep. It came Sunday and I’ve been wearing it ever since. On Monday and Tuesday my heart rate was pretty consistently between 110-120 (normal resting heart rate is 60-100 and mine used to be closer to 60). I was kind of shocked. Has it been that high for months and I just didn’t realize it? One thing I’ve learned wearing the FitBit is that I can’t tell what my heart rate is at any given moment. Sometimes I’m sure it will be fast and it is, but many times I’m just as sure and it isn’t. It’s kind of disheartening to realize how not in tune with my body I am.

The good news is that my heart rate has come down this week. I started taking a beta blocker at night, to see if it would help me sleep better (the reasoning being that if my heart is not racing, my body might rest better), so it could just be that. Or it could be that my medicine is starting to work. The doctor said it would take several weeks to see symptoms improve so I’m not sure what is going on. I’m not taking the beta blocker twice a day, so maybe things are improving generally? I guess it doesn’t really matter, and I appreciate seeing my heart rate under 100 a lot more during the day.

Sleep

This is the one symptom I am DESPERATE to see improve. I have not been surprised to see my sleep hovering around 6 hours (Sunday and Monday mornings it was a little lower, the rest of the week it was a couple minutes higher than six), despite going to bed 7.5-8 hours before I need to wake up. It takes me forever to fall asleep and then I wake up over and over again in the night, and toss and turn before I fall asleep. I really hope this gets better, and I hope the FitBit sleep data helps me really see that it’s improving.

Emotional

I will admit, it was a pretty shitty week for me emotionally. My husband has been really distant, which hasn’t helped, but I had my own stuff going on too. Everyone has been so thrilled that I have a diagnosis that is treatable, but I have not felt that way myself. While I am somewhat shocked that my blood tests showed what is causing my symptoms (no such blood test could ever confirm I was in perimenopause or menopause or confirm past depressive episodes or my ADHD diagnosis), and am relieved there is medication to help control my condition, I have not felt particularly relieved.

Part of the reason this diagnosis does not feel positive is because I will have it the rest of my life, but the most important aspect is that it might flare and “go quiet,” requiring continued monitoring of my thyroid hormone levels and tweaking of my medication. The thought of monitoring this forever does not bring me much relief. I was assuming that was the main reason I was having such a hard time with it.

Later this week I recognized that my biggest anxieties were around my weight, because as my thyroid activity changes my weight will fluctuate and that means I’ll be thinking about my weight and I just really don’t want to. I’ve written before about my decades of disordered eating, and what incredible piece of mind it has been to find an exercise and eating regimen that allows me to just let all of that go. My weight certainly still fluctuates, and I usually realize it because of how my clothes fit, so it’s not really the simple fact that my weight will go up that is bothering me. I think ultimately it’s the realizing that it won’t matter what I eat or how much I move, that this one little gland in my body will be the biggest determinant my weight. And yes I know it always has, but I had found a routine that worked and now it feels like that routine won’t be effective and it gives me a lot of anxiety. I feel like I was on firm ground and now I’m free falling. I realize all of this is just construction in my head that don’t actually represent reality, but it’s been hard to pull away the curtain and start to build a new relationship with my body.

Work

Going back to work was hard. The post-spring break push to the end of the year is always hard, and this year is proving to be no different. The kids are testing boundaries constantly and more dramatically. I have to send a student out of the room and then when I spoke with him in the office he doubled down on all his choices. It’s going to be a loooong push to mid-June. The yearbook is coming along but still causing me significant stress. People have so many questions and I don’t have the answers to any of them. The woman I’m working with doesn’t do much unless I ask her to. I’m clearly the person running everything, but I’m only getting half the stipend. It’s just a stressful addition to a stressful time of year. I have a lot to cover in all my classes so I can’t really chill out or “let it go” either. Basically I’m just counting the weeks.

Home

One thing I appreciate about my diagnosis is understanding why I’ve been so tired and giving myself grace for how little I’ve gotten done lately. Sadly, I can give myself all the grace in the world and it won’t make my kitchen floor any cleaner. I’m going to show the kids how to clean the bathroom floors and shower this weekend (they already clean the sink and the toilet), so at least I’ll have help on that. I’m trying to at least keep things neat, but even picking up feels hard these days. I keep thinking I’ll wait until summer to do a big clean, but that is a long way away.

I have big errands this week – new tires at Costco on Monday and vet appointments for both cats on Wednesday. I try to do that kinds of stuff during my break, but I didn’t realize you need to order the tires ahead of time at Costco, and the vet was closed last week. Serval is almost 15 lbs so I’m not looking forward to the vet, but one of Panther’s eyes is weirdly reddish so I’m glad I’m finally getting them seen.

Friends & Family

Things between the husband and I aren’t great, but I think they’re getting better. The 14yo didn’t get an internship she applied for, but is really enjoying high school swim. The 11yo is taking state tests, and has started hanging out with a friend from the dojo. I talked to my sister this morning for the first time in forever. I’ll be seeing my parents tomorrow for Easter.

This afternoon I have book club (I liked this month’s book (Harlem Rhapsody) and LOT more than last month’s (The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store). I’ve really enjoyed my current audiobook (Esperando al diluvio – Dolores Redondo). I finished Legion before it left Hulu (the first season is so good, the second is meh, and the third is good, I’m glad I made it all the way through this time), and have been liking Long Bright River (on Peacock I think?) I got some Chip Zdarsky Batman comics yesterday that look amazing (I promise it’s not worth writing out why…) Tomorrow we’re going to my parents’ house for our annual Easter Egg hunt, and hopefully to see a friend who’s in town from New York. Next Saturday I’m going to something fun with a friend. It’s nice to have a couple small things to look forward to before summer.

I need to work out before book club, so I’m going to press publish on this. Otherwise I’ll need to think of a seventh thing for Seven on Sunday… 😉

I did not have the same Spring Break as my kids, so this week wasn’t very exciting. But I’m still going to tell you about it! Ha! (Seriously, it a long one. You might want to find a comfortable seated position.)

Saturday

I wasn’t planning on going to the dojo because I was still feeling a little sick from whatever I got on Thursday. This was good, because my two friends and I went to the Hands Off! Protest downtown. We met on BART and walked over to Civic Center with our signs. There was a lot of people there and the weather was beautiful. It felt nice to be doing something productive to express my rage. We didn’t march, and it felt a little disorganized, but I’m glad we attended.

Walking around, I was struck by how many different things people were mad about. Usually protests are for one thing, or a cluster of related concerns, but it felt like every where I looked I saw a sign expressing outrage over something different. I ended up writing a list for myself so I could share it here: Trump, Musk, Gaza, Ukraine, Federal workers, Social Security, LGBTQ rights (mostly specifically Trans rights), Immigration/ICE, DOGE, Fascism, National Parks, Autism Awareness, Unions, Science, NPR , Russia/Putin, Vaccines, Due process, Tariffs, Nazis, Women’s Rights. Seeing all the concerns written out like that really helped me legitimize the anxiety spiral I’ve been in lately. Everything is under attack, I’m not catastrophizing, it’s really this bad.

Bach at home, the 14yo already had a friend over and the 11yo was getting picked up by his grandparents. Another friend joined the girls and the two of them spent the night. The husband and I stayed downstairs and watched the new Nosferatu (very good – recommend).

Sunday

The husband took the 11yo to a Giants game and the girls stayed over pretty much all day. At 5pm I picked the baseball fans up, then drove the girls home. I spend the day getting some work done, picking up around the house and just chilling, as I still didn’t feel great. I honestly can’t remember anything else we did on Sunday…

Monday

One of the things that sucks about having a different break than my kids, is I still have to get up at 6:30am to get the 14yo up and eating breakfast. One of the good things about having a different break from my kids, is that after the early morning, I have several hours to myself. Sometimes I use those hours for rest and relaxation, but a lot of times I use them to get shit done.

Monday was a get shit done day! It was ERRANDS AND APPOINTMENT! I had to get my allergy shot at 12:15pm, so I planned to get stuff done before that. I took the 11yo to school (a special treat when I’m off and he’s not), then came home and did about an hour of work. At 10am I headed out with the intention of crossing many items of my to-do list. I got the $9 bakers dozen at Noah’s (a special on Mondays if you have the app), socks for the 11yo at Ross, and food for ALL the pets at PetCo (yes, that also means worms for the bearded dragon). I also returned several items of clothing that had been cluttering up the entryway and car for weeks. All in the same shopping center area! This all felt like a huge win.

I was able to get my shot a little early, then I hit up Grocery Outlet before I went home. I had to pick up the 14yo early from school on Monday for her physical (her high school athletic release was expiring, so if we didn’t get it done she’d have to stop swimming) then grab the 11yo (who needed his second HPV shot), then head over to a DIFFERENT Kaiser building for their appointments. I rescheduled the 14yos appointment to Monday forgetting I taught at the dojo that night, so I was super stressed about the timing, but somehow – even though I FORGOT TO BRING THE PAPERWORK for the athletic clearance- we got home with just enough time for me to be walking into the dojo when my class started (so late, but not where is she? late).

Then I taught Forms and Basics at the dojo, got home, and promptly passed out. (I actually slept HORRIBLY Monday night, but at least I feel asleep quickly). Monday was a packed day, but I appreciated getting all that stuff out of the way.

Tuesday

Tuesday I had an appointment with my GP (actually someone filling in for her), but the husband needed the car to drive to Sacramento, so after I dropped the 11yo off at school, I just started walking toward the doctor’s office (where I had been the day before with the kids!). It’s 3 miles between the 11yo’s school and the medical building, and I walked almost all of it (I jumped on a bus for 4 blocks in the middle because I was worried I’d be late otherwise). I took a bunch of pictures of the walk, thinking I could post in a Cool Bloggers Walking Club post, but we all know I won’t manage that, so I’m posting them here. (If I’m only going to post once a week, it better be a good post, amiright?)

I got there early, they called me in late, I talked to the doctor for a while (her name was Noemi!), and I had to get labs done, so I ended up being there for almost two hours! While I don’t love burning spring break time at a medical building, I definitely appreciate not spending two hours there after a long work day.

The doctor thought I was probably gluten-intolerant, which honestly bummed me out SO BAD. I cried SEVERAL times that day considering a life without most of my favorite foods (pizza, pasta, bread, baked goods, ramen, udon, even burritos come in a flour tortilla and hamburgers have a bun!). I was honestly kind of a mess the whole day. All I managed to do was work out and score reading responses. I got some of my labs back that night and the one thing I was deficient in was Magnesium! But I take a supplement for that! No wonder I have been crying so easily lately. I’m definitely upping my Magnesium intake.

Wednesday

I forgot to mention on Monday and Tuesday that my cold was still a thing, and my voice was shot. I was coughing a fair amount, but it was all coming from my throat, not my lungs. I could barely talk on Tuesday (I went to the doctor’s office with a mask on, which helped mask the fact that I teared up a couple times while talking about my symptoms).

Tuesday night I slept horribly AGAIN, so Wednesday morning I was feeling pretty bad. I was exhausted, my voice was still shot, and my hips were crazy sore from teaching basics (you do the kicks in slow motion and hold the extensions; it always makes me sore, but I hadn’t been in a while so this was next level). I was supposed to meet my parents for lunch and a walk (the weather was supposed to be beautiful), but I texted to cancel. Then an hour later, after I’d coughed up the nights grossness and my hips warmed up, I text to say let’s do it. So we did!

I hit up Costco that morning because I thought Wednesday morning it would be empty, but it was the start of the “coupon book” which means new things were discounted and it was PACKED. I was so bummed out. I love going to Costco in the middle of the workday when it’s empty, but instead it felt like Sunday before SuperBowl. No thank you!

Even with my crazy Costco run, I got work done before my parents came, then we hit up Mission Chinese (my favorite, but it’s so expensive so I love when they treat me there!), then we walked at my favorite running park, which I haven’t been to in ages because I feel bad when I run now.

The walk was beautiful and it was so nice to talk to my parents, whom I haven’t really spend quality time with in ages. My hips felt fine after I started walking and I’m so glad I didn’t actually cancel on them.

I made it to the dojo Wednesday night, and my hips felt okay! I was so tired by the end of high belt though. Just exhausted. I slept REALLY well Wednesday night – six hours straight through. I didn’t even wake up to pee! I cannot remember the last time I slept six straight hours.

Thursday

Okay, so one thing I didn’t mention above, is that before my parents took me out to lunch, while I was working, my doctor called me back to tell me some lab results explained what was going on. Evidently I have hyperthyroidism. That is what has been causing all my symptoms – especially feeling shitty on runs and sleeping like shit! I have to say I was so shocked to be given a definite answer, and so thankful that I probably wasn’t gluten intolerant, that I was mostly relieved. We made an appointment with an endocrinologist for Thursday, I read some stuff about it online, and I assumed I’d be taking some medicine for a little while to get my thyroid back on track, and all would be well.

Before my appointment on Thursday, I had to take the car in to be serviced. I knew I needed new tires, so on Monday I went to Costco and asked what it would cost to put four new tires on my car. They quoted me $1K (and explained how to do it with them). I’m so glad I did that because the Chevy place quoted me DOUBLE THAT! The guy was like, I don’t know what tires they are selling you there and I was like MICHELIN and that shut him up.

I had to walk to the BART station after that, and it ended up being a longer walk than expected and I was TIRED, but I did take some pictures.

At home I did MORE WORK! I have been re-watching the first two seasons of Legion on Hulu to finally watch the third season and on Thursday I saw an “Exp. 13 Days” tag on the show, which means I only have that much time to finish it before it leaves the service. Aak!

The car was ready before they told me it would be and it was stressful to get back there, pick it up, and return home before my video visit, but I manage to log in on time.

I will say, I really like my Endocrinologist. She was the right balance of serious and silly (this seems like a weird word, but she had a way about her that seemed almost silly but put me at ease). She had me touch my neck to see if it was sore, but it wasn’t (and it’s not enlarged) so she doubts I have a growth causing the hyperthyroidism. There is short-term hyperthyroidism, but that usually lasts no more than eight weeks, and since I’ve been having symptoms since December, she doubts it’s that. That mean I probably have Grave’s Disease, which is an autoimmune disease where your body attacks the thyroid keeping it perpetually in the “on” position. If I have Grave’s Disease, I will have it forever. And I will have to take medicine to slow down my thyroid for the rest of my life.

She added a test to my blood work to confirm her diagnosis, but she says it’s highly likely that is what I have. The test won’t be back for 5-6 days, but she wrote me the prescription anyway so I could start taking it. I guess I’ll take it for a month and then get blood work again to see that it’s working and how well, and then she’ll decide if the dose needs to be changed. And then we’ll keep going like that, and I’ll be getting blood work done pretty regularly to monitor it.

She also prescribed beta blockers because my heart rate has evidently been high – it was 100bpm on Tuesday, even after I spent 15+ minutes in the waiting room. She was surprised I wasn’t noticing my heart racing, but I honestly haven’t. I don’t notice it now, even though I’ve checked a couple times and it’s hovering around 100bpm.

I will say that I’m pretty bummed out to have a disease that I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I’m definitely processing it. (I am VERY relieved it’s probably not gluten-intolerance though! Ha!) And I’m trying to focus on the fact that in a couple weeks I’ll be feeling better and the symptoms I’ve been experiencing should go away. I’m excited to gain some weight back (I hadn’t mentioned this because it’s weird to complain about unwanted weight loss but I’m 5’8″ and 126 pounds right now. It’s not a good look, and honestly some days my face looks skeletal. I’ve been trying to eat more but it wasn’t helping. Now I know why!), regain muscle mass, exercise (especially run) without feeling fatigued, sleep better, have fewer GI issues, even the hot flashes were probably related (I was realizing even before my appointment that they mostly happen when I do a quick bout of physical work, and especially when I’m bending down to do it). I’m just trying to focus on the short term improvements and not dwell on the long term maintenance that will be required.

Friday + the Weekend

Thursday night I finished my last set of reading responses and free reading bingo boards (I scored FOUR sets of reading responses and processed FOUR sets of bingo boards! Woot!) which felt really good this morning. I wrote (the bulk) of this post on the elliptical and now I’m going to do some strength training. My husband and I will walk somewhere for lunch, and then I’m getting a 90 minute Thai massage. This evening I’m meeting friends for a bit at a new wine bar. Today is going to be a good day. 😉

Tomorrow I’m at the dojo most of the day. Sunday I’ll be taking the 11yo to swimming and then we might do something as a family (Maybe the Cherry Blossom Festival?) , or we might stay home.

I will say I’m relieved I got all that work done, but bummed out that I didn’t do much around the house. I found a new audiobook I’m enjoying, which is helping me do my regular chores, but I just haven’t have the energy or will power to do much else. I found out the yearbook at school is not due until May 14th, not the 1st like I thought so that is a huge relief. I have a Book Club next Saturday and something fun with a friend the following Saturday. There is stuff to look anticipate. It was definitely a rollercoaster of a spring break, but I love that I did so much walking, got so much work done, ran all those errands, and went to all those appointments. Honestly, I’ll take it.

Let’s end with some cat photos, because I’ve been spending a lot of time with these two lately, and they always make me smile.

I know it’s nuts to put all this into one post and I’m sorry to do it. Thanks for making it to the end.

I can’t decide if I should declare this a giant update dump or if I will have the where with all to separate some of this into different posts and schedule them for different days. Ha! Just writing that I was sure it wouldn’t happen so update dump it is!

I keep have to remind myself that it’s Tuesday AND that I have work tomorrow (and then the next day, and the next!) because my kids have Spring Break this week and we just got back from two nights in Monterey. It’s a giant bummer to have to keep reminding myself that this is a work week and that I have to go back to work. Boo!

But my Spring Break is next week, and maybe it will feel like a surprise since I keep thinking it’s this week. We shall see. I have a TON of work to do during my week off, and a bunch of appointments to go to, so it’s not really going to feel like a break. But I won’t be in class and that ain’t nothing.

Last week was busy because the 11yo went on a school camping trip, which he had to be packed for, and which we had to unpack for (the school brought out tent). We almost forgot to take the tent out and dry it, but luckily that occurred to us on Saturday, when the weather was actually decent.

While he was gone, the husband and I took the 14yo out to dinner, which maybe we’ve never done before?! (eaten at a restaurant with both of us and just the 14yo). It was a very nice dinner during which we were both reminded of how lucky we are to have a 14yo who wants to hang out with us, and delights us when she does so. We laughed very, very hard.

The 11yo came home Thursday, and then both kids were off Friday (I think because Cesar Chavez day fell on the following Monday of their Spring Break (3/31) so they got an extra day? I’m not really sure why – last year was their first year taking off 3/31, and this year was their first six day spring break. ::shrug emoji::) The husband really needed to be at work on Friday (because he was missing Monday and Tuesday), so the kids stayed home along all day. It’s so nice that they can do that now.

Saturday I was at the dojo all day (after hanging the tent up in the backyard) and getting us packed, and the house ready. That night we watched Fast (and the Furious) 5, which was ridiculous and a lot of fun. We plan to watch the rest of the Fast movies soon. Oh, also the kids helped me clean the car, which I’m thrilled about because it was disgusting, and now it’s clean! Woot!

Sunday we did the final packing, and I did the final cleaning (and my husband did a ton of dishes) and we were off after lunch. We got to Monterey around 4pm, right when we were able to check into our hotel. We walked around downtown that afternoon, and then ate an early dinner, before returning home to take a dip in the pool and hot tub.

I have to say, we don’t stay at hotels all that much. Our two yearly trips are to visit family (in St. Louis) and to visit friends (in Maui), so we don’t stay in hotels a lot. It was a nice hotel – the room was comfortable and location was central – but I don’t really love having all four of us in one room. I of course, slept horribly, but everyone else did okay.

We also don’t usually eat all our meals at restaurants (we usually pack food for lunches at least), but since it was not even 48 hours, we ate all our meals out. The kids are still selective, but they are open enough that we can find a spot with something they will eat without much trouble. Also, we’re realizing that we’re more open to eating in restaurants with them over and over, because it’s a lot more pleasant to do so. We enjoy their company and the conversation, and no one has a melt down. It was really nice to realize that eating out a lot if something we can do on vacation now

Monday we were at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which is a family favorite that we only visit every 5+ years. Being in there brought back a lot of memories of when the kids were younger, especially since most of the families there had littler kids. A couple of the play spaces really took me back, because I spent HOURS of my life in padded areas made for very young kids, and even though those spaces were not that familiar, that type of space definitely is. While I have loved parts of every phase of parenting, I am thrilled to be past the very-young-kids stages. Truly, I don’t miss it.

The aquarium was a lot of fun. Some highlights – the octopus swam cross his enclosure which was amazing, the sea otters in the aquarium were super cute (we hung out there for almost 30 minutes) and we saw some sea otters out in the bay, munching on something bright orange (maybe a sea star). I love sea otters, so getting a double dose of them was amazing. We also got to touch isopods (think giant deep sea roly poly’s) and got to watch the feeding in the kelp forest tank.

We walked a little ways away from the aquarium for lunch, which I think helped us stay longer. We were there for a solid four hours.

The weather was not great, and we got stuck in the rain a couple times – we were quite damp for our final dinner in Monterey – but since we weren’t trying to be outside it was fine.

We stopped at the Gilroy Outlets to charge the car on the way home and we all got a little something. I’m most pleased that both boys got new Vans, because my husband’s are falling apart my the 11yo’s feet are growing like crazy (he’s already a men’s 8, which is officially larger than me or the 14yo).

I feel like the next two months are going to be crazy, first because the yearbook is due May 1, and we have barely started it. I don’t know why I agreed to help with the yearbook this year, or how to get the other teacher I’m sharing the stipend with to do more, but I DEEPLY regret my choices.

Once that’s done it will be crunch time at the dojo, because I’m testing for my red belt the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. By the time that is over, there will only be a few weeks left of school.

Speaking of summer break, the husband and I finally figured out our St. Louis/Memphis trip, bought the tickets and rented the car. The kids and I are flying a RED EYE to St. Louis because the flight selection was terrible and expensive and that seemed like our best bet (I don’t sleep much anyway so I might as well not sleep much on a red eye that saves us money). We’ll be in St. Louis with cousins, then at the farm with the whole family, then we’re driving to Memphis (about 4.5 hours away) to spend a couple days there, before flying home.

We still haven’t bought our flights to Maui, but this may be the last year we’ re invited, which hopefully will ease the blow of the (right now) $700 dollar per person flights. Why does flying suck so much right now? It mean, it’s never been this bad, and some years have been truly shitty.

My shitty symptoms are easing up a little. I’m acting as if I have lactose intolerance (avoiding it, or taking Lactaid when I eat it), and the GI issues are better. The hot flashes continue, but aren’t as frequent or as intense. My sleep continues to be shit, but I feel like I’m less cranky because of it? Maybe I’m just better able to manage life on way less, constantly interrupted sleep.

And my time on the elliptical is over so. I have to shut this down. Sorry for being away for so long, and I hope I write again soon. I’m sure I will during my spring break.

I hope you’re all well. I’m also behind on reading posts, so sorry for even fewer comments than normal. But I will catch up soon!

I’m not gonna lie, the struggle is real and it continues over here. My sleep is shit, which is the most prominent issue, and makes managing the hot flashes and other symptoms harder. Cutting out dairy isn’t resolving my GI issues completely and some dairy substitutes do NOT agree with me either. I’m feeling pretty despondent most of the time. But there have been some bright spots, and I wanted to record them here lest you think my life is just a series of perimenopausal indignities.

The 11yo got into the middle school of his choice, as did many of his friends. I expect the next three years will be harder for him than they were for the 14yo (she had a remarkably positive middle school experience) and I’m glad he gets to be where he wants to be for it.

My rosacea is better (gone?). I’m attributing this win to the Rx cream, even though my rosacea flared quite a bit after my two weeks of using it, but also maybe whatever hellish cocktail of hormones is making me crazy is also making my skin look nice? Who knows. The only constant in my life right now is not having any fucking idea, but at least in this case I can be happy about what I don’t understand.

I made myself an appointment on the Tuesday of my break week. It’s with someone random which I’m okay with because I am not a fan of my GP. Hopefully my concerns will be taken seriously. We shall see. I couldn’t get an appointment with my OB (without taking a day off work) until 5/7. I may try to make an earlier appointment (and take a day off), but that honestly might be a good time to go, because I’ll have been dealing with the symptoms for a while then.

I’m stepping up at the dojo and am proud of what I’ve been doing. I taught my first general adult class last Saturday and helped a couple kids break their boards all by myself. I feel a lot more comfortable in my role as a teacher at the dojo and enjoying my responsibilities in that role more.

The husband and I have had some random pockets kid-free of time lately and we’ve actually taken advantage of them. I feel like in the past we’ve been so dumbstruck by unexpected kid-free time that we just squandered it, but lately we’ve turned on a show or taken a walk or grabbed a quick bite to eat. It’s been nice to make good use of that time.

We’re spending two nights in Monterey at the beginning of next week. My spring break is a week after my kids’ spring break, so we can’t go on the trip to Death Valley that I wanted, but I’m taking two days off at the start of the kids break so we can away for a quick jaunt. We’re mostly going to the aquarium on Monday, but I’m looking forward to just getting away for a couple days. I think about it a lot, and I’m glad we finally committed to doing it.

I got to see the 14yo win her event at a high school swim meet. She wasn’t sure she wanted me to come, but at the last minute she said I could be there and I was and she won! We had a nice conversation in the car, during which she declared us best friends. I am so thrilled that our relationship is that close and I hope I never do anything to jeopardize her trust in me.

I did not mean to peace out for so long, and I am sorry. It’s been a rough couple weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to come here and write about it because I know what I’m going through is not an actual health crisis, that most women have to deal with it at some point, and so I felt I shouldn’t come here and bitch. I mean, I thought that was why I wasn’t coming here (especially when I was thinking about SHU so much and all that she’s been through with her very real health crisis), but now I’m pretty sure it was something else.

I think the real reason that I didn’t come here to write about it was because I really wasn’t sure what was going on. It seems so obvious to attribute hot flashes, horrible sleep and GI issues to perimenopause, but I struggle to know if I am even in perimenopause myself. I am 44, and have diminished ovarian reserve. I didn’t cycle for most of my 20s, and when I did my cycles were short 16-20 days and my “period” was just spotting. Then I got an ablation (because my prolapse prevented me from wearing a tampon and I like to swim), and stopped having even the erratic bleeding I used to experience. I did eventually have some spotting, and sometimes it would line up with other symptoms like moodiness, bloating and tender breasts (that was always a big one for me) which led me to believe that hormones were fluctuating in a way that at least mimicked cycles. I had some minor hot flashes a couple years ago and my mood was all over the place so I assumed I was in perimenopause then. And it’s been over a year since I’ve had any kind of cycle symptoms or spotting, so I assumed I was in menopause already.

In the last year, when my sleep went to shit, I assumed that was also menopause because I heard that was a common issue for women pretty much forever after “the change.” So I was super surprised when I started having hot flashes (way more intense than last time) and really bad GI issues (sometimes the bloating was so bad I couldn’t do anything but lay in bed for several hours) and I thought, what the what? But I assumed it was perimenopause again, since I didn’t have a real lack of cycles to prove otherwise, and started reading up on all the trouble it can cause.

Except the really bad shit started not long after I started a new medication. I assumed the new medication would be no big deal because I’ve been on Ritalin forever, and Concerta is so similar that when I first saw the name of the drug on the Rx bottle I assumed the refill was a mistake, and I had been given Ritalin again (I swear there were only hour letters difference in the two). So surely starting that would be no big deal. I have literally never had adverse affects with any drug, except I always get a yeast infection when I take antibiotics.

(This is another thing I wondered about! Because I just took antibiotics for the first time in forever in January, for the sinus infection, and I def had some GI stuff after that, because I started taking probiotics to try to improve them. So was the really bad GI stuff just a compounding of that issue?!)

And maybe it was the antibiotics, or the Concerta!! And I realized that it was the not knowing that was driving me crazy. It was the not knowing that kept me from writing here. Because every symptom I have can be attributed to the Concerta, or to perimenopause, or even a really bad imbalance in my gut biome. So what the fuck should I suspect.

Oh, and I started thinking that my GI issues were a new lactose intolerance, which is also linked to perimenopause, and antibiotics (but not Concerta?). I stopped eating dairy for a few days and the GI symptoms dissipated, but when I ate some Thursday, they kind of came back, but not nearly as bad as before (though I slept HORRIBLY Thursday night – I was up from 2-4:30am and I was wondering if that was because I ate dairy that day). Everything is a possible sign, and none of them point anywhere.

So basically I have no answers. And I hate not having answers. I can accept a lot of things if I know what I am accepting. I even accepted lactose intolerance when I thought that might be it, even though I eat tons of dairy and would have to overhaul my whole diet, and not eat foods I love. I’d honestly rather stop eating dairy, knowing it would manage my GI issues, than not be sure of what was causing it.

But now I’m not sure again. I really don’t know. And it’s driving me crazy. I stopped taking the Concerta, and am back on the Ritalin and I guess I’ll see how it goes. I am taking notes on what I eat and how I feel. My guess is will be like the dairy, a suggestion of an answer but not a definitive one.

And I’m sad to leave the Concerta behind because I really liked only taking it once a day, and I think it worked as well as the Ritalin, even though I was taking a lower dose. So it will be hard to not have a definitive answer.

In the meantime, thank you to all the new commenters who shared with me their experiences with HRT after less than positive experiences (unapproved comments do not show up in my email so I only saw them Friday night). If stopping the Concerta does nothing for my other symptoms (mostly the heat flashes and sleep), I will definitely talk to my OB again about HRT. Maybe there is a concoction I can handle! Or maybe the sleep deprivation will make me more amenable to other side affects. Or maybe I’ll ask about the non-HRT prescription for hot flashes. Or Wellbutrin! I took Wellburtin when I was depressed and SSRIs weren’t working and thought it was the most helpful thing I had tried. I’m not sure if I can take any of these while on ADHD meds, but it’s just good to know there might options out there and I REALLY appreciating people sharing with me. THANK YOU!!!!

So yeah, that is where I’ve been. It wasn’t really that I didn’t think my issues were worth writing about, it was that I wasn’t sure how to write about them when I was so unsure of what was going on. I’m trying to accept that there will be no definitive answer, but that I’ll have to see how my symptoms change. The only truly proactive thing I can do is track supplements, food, symptoms and how I’m feeling. That is the only way to recognize the patterns that might provide real information. So I’m doing that. And I’ll keep you all updated when I have more information.

But I promise I’ll post about something else – anything else – before then.

I’m not feeling great these days. Hot flashes are a daily, and nightly, occurrence. As well as digestive issues, that can lead to uncomfortable, if not painful, bloating. My allergies are nuts right now; I’m sneezing like crazy. All the nose blowing has created a couple staff infections in my nasal passages that are quite painful. My lower back is acting up and I seem to have pulled a muscle in my left quad. As you can imagine, I’m sleeping like shit, which makes me irritable on top of everything else. I’m a hot mess right now (literally and figuratively. Ha!)

In case you’re unsure how bad it’s gotten, my husband offered to take the kids this weekend so I could “have some time.” He just offered that to me. If you’ve read me for any length of time, you know how out of character that is for him.

It doesn’t help that work has been wonky this week. The 7th graders are at outdoor ed, and I have two classes that are mostly 7th graders. Usually I get a few 8th graders from some other class that is mostly 7th grade and they join my few 8th graders, but this year I am covering two completely different classes, one 6th grade and one 8th grade PE*. Oh and I have my 4-5 8th graders with me in those classes. It’s not exactly hard, but it’s not conducive to getting work done.

And I need to get work done because its the end of the trimester! Except when I get home I’m so tired and annoyed (and sweaty) that I don’t want to do anything, and I end up sitting on the couch, staring at my phone.

Today I left work early and ran some errands, before getting home around 4pm. I soooo wanted to just sit on the couch and play games on my phone, but I got out my work bag and scored a bunch of stuff that I need ready for tomorrow! I was so proud of myself for something that I used to do almost every day, no problem. Ugh. Everything feels really hard right now.

Yes, I know I can talk to my OBGYN about the hot flashes and IG/bloating issues, but I know she’ll just offer me HRT which I’m not interested in (because any form of birth control made me feel crazy, and HRT is the same hormones in birth control). The hot flashes have been happening for a week, so maybe they will chill out moving forward? Obviously I will research possibly treatments more if they continue to bother me as much as they are now.

Tomorrow is going to be an intense day at work, but I’ll get through it and it will be okay eventually. The kids have six days off for spring break the week (and earlier Friday) before I do, so I may take that Monday and Tuesday off so we can go somewhere close by (maybe Monterey?). I can’t take the Thursday or Friday off before my break anymore – that is not allowed! So if I do it’ll be at the beginning of their break. It will be nice to go somewhere with them, but I don’t love taking days off right before a break (I’d prefer to use them in early May, in the middle of the eight week stint with no days off).

I’m still in a reading rut. I understand Alas de Onyx better now, but I’m not into it as much as the first two. And I just cannot give a shit about The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store. I’m telling myself it’s okay if I don’t finish it, but I’ve NEVER not finished a book club book. Blerg, I guess there’s a first for everything.

Speaking of a first for everything, today I bought a pair of Lululemon leggings at FULL price. This is only the second thing I’ve ever bought from there, the first being a pair of yoga pants on deep (for them) discount. My mom bought me a pair of their dance pants OVER 10 YEARS ago that I still wear, but I’ve never actually bought anything there for myself until recently. Today I was in the store because I had to return clothes to another store and while I was waiting in line to get a bra on sale I saw a pair of yoga pant leggings with a piece of fabric that kind of scrunches over at the top in the prettiest dusty rose color, and I went to try them on to show myself they wouldn’t be as nice as I expected but they were! and they were buttery soft and I got them. I never get clothes like that at full price – pretty much all my clothes are purchased on sale, now that I think about it – but places like Lululemon have always been way out of my price range. And yet I got them. And I’m stoked about it. Maybe hot-flash me just has no fucks left to give about spending $100+ on a pair of yoga pants (okay I kind of cringed writing that… shrug emoji)

I don’t love coming on here to bitch and moan (and please know that I recognize that these are MINOR health issues, and I’m grateful every day that I’m not facing more serious conditions), but it’s where I am at right now. I have found my gratitude practice shining through quite a bit in the moment, when I feel grateful for small things or certain circumstances (that I’m not scoring any new work for two of my classes this week, and that I choose to watch Encanto with the 6th graders so I have some time to grade paper, to name a few). It’s not all awful, these are just new and annoying symptoms that I’m not used to. Oh and I’m sleeping very poorly because of them.

And I know I haven’t been writing about it much (at all?) but the political situation, which is causing incredible stress, (as you all are acutely aware). I actually thought the hot flashes were just stress responses at first. And maybe they are related? But needless to say, stress is the air we’re all swimming in right now, and I’d be remiss in trying to explain my state of mind without mentioning it.

* I LOATHE subbing PE. I hated the class as a kid and I hate “teaching” it now.

Sa 2/1: Sims 60: Hip Hop Bike Boot Camp (9/10/24). This was really hard, but I fucking rocked it.

Su 2/2: Strong Glutes Week 3, Session 5 + 45 mins on elliptical

M 2/3: Teach forms + Basics (2 hrs)

Tu 2/4: Forms + Sparring Concepts + Sparring (2.5 hrs)

W 2/5: Rest

Th 2/6: 15 min 90’s Rock Ride w/ Jenn Sherman (15 best + 25th ride! – I do more bike boot camps) + 10 min Fore w/ Jess Sims (she’s back!) + 10 min Arm & Shoulders w/ Rebecca Kennedy + Strong Glutes Week 3 Routine 6 (16mins)

F 2/7: Rest

Sa 2/8: Teach Teens + Sparring + Forms + High Belt (4 hrs)

Su 2/9: 60 minute run (with walking breaks) + Strong Glutes Week 4 Routine 7 (20 mins) + 15 mins of upper body and core.

M 2/10: Rest (working on sub plans)

Tu 2/11: Sim 60 Advanced! I rocked this and it was really hard!

W 2/12: General + High Belt (2 hrs)

Th 2/13: 45 mins elliptical + Strong Glutes Week 4 Routine 8 (22 mins)

F 2/14: Rest

Sa 2/15: Teach Teens + Sparring + Forms (3 hrs)

Su 2/16: 10 min climb ride w/ Camilla + Strong Glutes Week 5 Routine 9 (30 mins) + 20 minute Arms & Shoulders with Ray (Beginner with the husband!) + 10 min Core w/ Ben (beginner with the husband!) – These were the husband’s first strength workouts ever! He was feeling it the next day.

M 2/17: Short walk to brunch. Ha!

Tu 2/18: Forms + Sparring Concept + Sparring (2.5 hrs)

W 2/19: General + High Belt (2 hrs)

Th 2/20: 60 min run (with maybe 10 mins walking?) + 10 stability ball abs + Strong Glutes Week 5 Routine 10

F 2/21: Rest

Sa 2/22: Teach Teens + Sparring + Forms + High Belt (4 hrs)

Su 2/23: 30 min Bike Boot Camp: Upper Body w/ Jess Sims + Strong Glutes Week 6 Routine 11 (25 mins) + 10 mins Core w/ Jess Sims

M 2/24: Rest

Tu 2/25: Forms + Sparring Concepts + Sparring (2.5 hrs)

W 2/26: 4 mile run (fewer miles but also less walking!) + Strong Glutes Week 6 Routine 12 (the last one!)

Th 2/27: 30 min Intervals & Arms ride w/ Tunde (2/20/25) + 10 min stability ball abs

Fr 2/28: Rest (TGIF with old colleagues! So fun!)

I can’t believe this is my final February FIGS post. Maybe I’ll keep up some kind of gratitude practice here on the blog, because I do think articulating things I appreciate makes me better appreciate them!

SATURDAY 2/22 My Teens class went well. It was the first time I didn’t have to look at a lesson plan because I was teaching what we did in General class just two days before. The 11yo went home early so I got to focus on my own training for two hours. We watched Uncharted as a family, which is a ridiculous movie but a lot of fun (the 11yo is playing the video game right now, and the 14yo loves Tom Holland).

SUNDAY 2/23 The 11yo and I went down to the mall I spent a significant portion of my life in during high school to pick up a LEGO set that has been out of stock since November! I wanted to get him this LEGO Fortnite Battleship set for Christmas, and then for earning his red belt, but it’s been sold out until now. They just got them in on Friday, so I was stoked we could get it that weekend. We also ate out, and it’s always nice to chat with the 11yo, who is not as chatty as his sister. The 14yo got to have friends over partly while we were away and partly while the 11yo build the LEGO set.

MONDAY 2/24 I was NOT prepared for work and it was kind of spectacularly bad, the culmination of which was when I realized my coffee had tipped over on my desk, and a bunch of papers were drenched. I had to throw so much away. The whole day at work kind of sucked, except both my 1A classes invented their first stories and both were actually really good! Sometimes they don’t come together, but these first two were a lot of fun. I kind of rocked the evening (the husband was at a work event), and I appreciated that after dropping so many balls at work earlier. It was nice to not have anything to do or anywhere to go, after a busy weekend.

TUESDAY 2/25 A much better day at work. I felt pretty decent at sparring. I might – just might! – be on the far edge of the plateau I’ve been navigating at the dojo. It’s hard to feel like you’re putting so much time in, and not improving, but last night I got glimmers of progress. Fingers crossed!

WEDNESDAY 2/26 It was a BEAUTIFUL day. Low 70s! Even in the city! To be clear, the low 70s in a warm day in the summer here, so it was very much appreciated. I told the 14yo I would pick her up from swim, and I realized the timing would be perfect for me to run at the Great Highway, then pick her up. So I did! There are still cars on the Great Highway during the week, which I didn’t realize (but was not bummed out about, I do not think it needed to be turned into a park), but there is a nice trail right next to it so I ran there. The weather was gorgeous – I was perfect in shorts and a tank top.

I was going to offer to take the 14yo to In-n-Out, then she asked and was THRILLED when I said yes. It was nice to make her happy. At home I really didn’t want to do my Strong Glutes program, and was kind of devastated when I realized it was 33 mins long, but I knew I’d want to do it less tomorrow. When I started the video, I was informed that it was the last routine! I finished all six weeks (for me eight, because I repeated both weeks 1 and 2) of the program! I will say, it’s made a huge difference. I was absolutely not activating my glutes before, and now I feel that when I do any lower body movements. I’m so glad I bought the program, and that it has helped relieve my piriformas pain. I still have some tight TFL and psoas stuff going on, but the piriformas syndrome is gone. I need to figure out what I’m going to do maintain this hard one glute strength and activation.

THURSDAY 2/27 WHAT A DAY! There was a massive accident on 101 in the morning (a 16 wheeler jack knifed across three lanes and spilled 160 gallons of diesel fuel on the roadway) and it took me 1.5 hours to get to work. At one point after I screamed a couple expletives into the void, I almost immediately thought thank goodness my commute isn’t like this every day. And honestly, that thought was genuine because so many people in the Bay Area have incredibly long commutes where bad traffic is unavoidable and I do not have that kind of commute at all. It used to be bad when I lived in a more central area of the city, (and I wondered many times a year if I could keep it up), but now that we live on the south side it’s super easy to get to and from work. I feel like having that genuine moment of gratitude during an incredibly unpleasant and stressful (I was almost late for work) episode, is absolutely the fruit of my gratitude practice this month. And that I was grateful for my own gratitude! I love that kind of cycle!

Also this patch I got for my new gi came early, so I was able to sew it on last night! Now I can wear it on Saturday (the patch was originally supposed to come on Saturday).

FRIDAY 2/28 This morning I’m thankful that I got a spot in the parking lot right outside my classroom, despite leaving later than I had intended to. I’m excited to see some now-retired colleagues today at a work happy hour, and am very grateful I get to go despite my daughter’s first high school swim meet (she didn’t want me to go because she doesn’t think parents go to these things – it’s also really early (4pm!) and at a pool totally across town, so it would have been really hard to get to on time from my work). I’m so grateful that it’s Friday, because this week steam rolled all of us, and I’m so tired and am looking forward to the weekend.

A big thank you again to Elizabeth for prompting me, and so many of us, to Find Joy in Gratitude this month. I really do think it made a difference for my outlook and mood. If you want to read other blogger’s FIGS from this past month, you can see Fresh Figs round ups from Week 1, Week 2, and Week 3 on Elizabeth’s blog.