Better

Thanks for those who reached out on my last post. Writing helped, and made me feel better. I’ve also been busy, which helps as well. Mostly I’m over it, but if I start to dwell it’s not great. So I try to keep my mind occupied.,

There are a lot of reasons we aren’t going, and I suppose I wasn’t very clear about them. At this point it feels less clear, but if I really think about it I can remember.

• Our kids are not meeting with people inside, unmasked. We are trying not to have our kids meet inside, even masked right now, because it just feel unnecessary when our weather is almost always lovely (or at least not awful) and there is still a lot of light at the end of the day. If there were something really fun planned that required they be inside with masks on, of course we would let them, but we’re not planning those things right now. Our kids are seeing their friends at school, and other organized (outside) play dates and we’re not worried about how much socialization they are getting right now (they are getting plenty). Our son is participating in indoor, masked martial arts right now because we believe they are taking all the necessary steps to keep the space safe (tons of windows open, fans blowing, and air filters running always).
• We feel it’s important to be CONSISTENT in our messaging around what we’re doing right now. The kids know that being inside with masks on at school is okay because school is really important (ditto the dojo). The kids know they can see friends outside with masks on (or masks off if they stay far enough away from each other, but they’d rather just keep them on so they don’t have to think too hard about distance). I don’t really know how I’d explain to my daughter that for one weekend we can all just take off our masks and hang out together, when we haven’t had time to effectively isolate and test before hand.

Those are really the two most important points. We have decided on boundaries and we want to be consistent about those boundaries. With friends having different exposure levels at their different schools, and being in contact with so many different people in smaller, enclosed spaces, we just aren’t comfortable spending a long period, indoor, and unmasked with other unvaccinated kids. Once our kids are vaccinated we will have to figure out what we’re comfortable with. We have a long time until that happens though, so we aren’t thinking that much about it. (We assume we’ll be comfortable with A LOT more because if we’re not, then when will this ever feel better?)

At this point I’m okay with not going. I wish we weren’t missing out, but I’m not all that interested in the stress and exhaustion the whole weekend would create. Next week is conferences and the week after that I will be summoned to jury duty at least once day (I’m ALWAYS summoned during my week), and the week after that is my son’s birthday so yeah. A lot if coming up and I don’t need to start this month feeling exhausted and behind.

I would also feel like I were operating from a big deficit with my husband if I went away for a weekend (leaving him with our son), right after the weekend he was supposed to be away (but didn’t go to keep our family safe). The price of going is just really, really high. So even if I convinced myself that I could explain why that weekend we could disregard all our regular boundaries, there are other reasons not to go.

And yes I’m jealous it’s easier for them. I wish it were easier for me. But it’s not. And there is much in their lives that is harder than mine, and I’m glad they get to have some time away. I know they all really need it.

I’m realizing there is more at play in my feelings around all this. We’ve been back in school for seven weeks, and my friends and I have only gotten together once since then. We’re all just feeling overwhelmed and it’s taking us longer than expected to fall into our new routines. I’m remembering the special kind of burnout I get from being around kids all day at school, that makes me too exhausted to plan and execute get together with friends, but is not fulfilling socially. It’s actually a real stumbling block for me, and I don’t think I’ve ever figured out how to manage it.

When we were on zoom last year it was exhausting, but not in the same way it is now that I’m surrounded by people all day long. Last year I longed to get together with my friends because I was starved for connection. I don’t feel that same longing anymore, instead I just feel… tapped out. Teaching with masks on is odd because they are there and you are communicating but it’s not very satisfying because you can’t see their faces and you can’t even really hear them very well when they talk. It’s SO MUCH BETTER than zoom, especially from a teaching perspective, but there is still some of that detachment and disconnect. So there is still that “I’m with people ALL DAY LONG” but there isn’t that “AND IT’S SATISFYING!” But I suppose it never is, BECAUSE THEY ARE ADOLESCENTS and I’m their teacher. I have to be up at the front of the room, energized and animated behind my hot sweaty mask, and it’s exhausting. At the end of the week I just want to retreat to my house for 48 hours to recharge.

I need to start find ways to (or just making myself) get together with my friends more. I’m generally glad I did it afterward, even if before hand it feels like more than I can manage.

So yeah. I’m feeling better about it, mostly because I’m working hard not to think about it. They all leave this morning and hopefully I can keep it out of my mind, and then when they come back I can put it behind me.

{I’m realizing as I read over this that our friendships changed and grew substantially during the pandemic, so much so that I don’t actually have a past MO with them to fall back on. We’re not really sure what our group’s dynamic is going to be now that things are returning to normal, and our daughters are at different schools. It’s going to take some time to figure it all out. Maybe I’m stressed that I’m missing the first “trip” of our new normal, and I’m worried I’ll be left out moving forward because I can’t be there now. I have a long history of friendship insecurity so it’s not surprising that it’s rearing it’s ugly head now. Blerg. I guess I’d hoped at 40 I would past this stuff but I guess old (emotional and social) habits die hard.}