Better, but not 100%

Well it’s day four and I ate a bowl or bone broth with saltines and then… toast with margarine… and jam! Gasp! And so far, I have not been relegated to the bathroom once!

Yesterday all I ate was two bowls of rice and I was in the bathroom every 5-10 minutes from 10pm until after midnight. I’m really hoping that today I’m finally turning a corner.

Yesterday I was also at work. I didn’t eat at work and that meant I didn’t have to use the bathroom at work, which was my goal. I was tired and totally out of it (oh my god I haven’t had coffee in so long), but I got through the day and didn’t crash until after my bowls of rice hit me in the evening.

This stomach flu has been brutal. I am so, so over it and so, so ready to feel – and eat! – normally again.

And I need to feel normal again, because I’ve fallen into a pretty negative headspace and it’s hard to reset when I’m fighting viral gastroenteritis. The negativity started before the stomach bug, but I don’t have to strength to start turning it around until after the stomach bug.

I’m just so irritable. I’m always finding fault, in myself and others. I’m always snapping at everyone, my kids, my husband, my students. Everyone is getting on my last nerve! Why won’t anyone just listen to me and do what I said the first time I said it? Why?!

It’s definitely May and I’m definitely in the throes of it.

The thing is April was rough. The first two weeks I was neck deep in test prep. Then the minute the test was over my husband was out of town, then before he came back my son had this viral gastro. Then right as my son got over it my daughter got it, then I went down, then my husband after me. And now it’s the first week of May! April was intense and I need some time and space to reset, but May will not be affording me either. It is, as always, chocked full of commitments and celebrations. I need to figure out Mother’s Day, and my daughter’s birthday (first week of June). I have to wrap up a ton of stuff in my classes. We have our “Celebration of Learning” (previous billed as “Open House”) and other end of the year fare (even though we don’t get out until June 15th! Why?!) The kids get out June 2nd so their schools have events as well. May is always a lot, and I always feel overwhelmed, and I stumble through, and then I get to the end of the school year and I can breathe a sigh of relief. I certainly never learn to do it better, or well.

I wondered if I should even write here, feeling this way. I know by next week I’ll feel at least a little better. But I don’t read a lot of blogs where people say that they feel shitty and overwhelmed and aren’t sure how they’re going to get it all done, but not in a “but I will, tah dah!” way, but in a palms dragging over face in desperation way. I really do feel way in the weeds right now, and the weeks I have lined up at work make me blanche. But I can’t push anything because we’re at the wire. There just isn’t anywhere to push it. I either get it done, or I don’t. And there is already so much I don’t get done in a year, I hate to scrap the things I’ve prioritized over many years of planning.

Some brighter points: Students made their elective preferences for next year and it looks like the Spanish program is more popular than ever. I’m really hoping we have enough 1B students to make two smaller classes instead of one 34 student class (that one 34 student class has been way too much this year), and that we can prioritize 7th graders in 1A so we an even bigger pool of possible 1B students next year. I’m proud that my program is thriving – I’ve worked really hard on it and students clearly hear that it’s worth while. For many years I didn’t have enough Spanish students to fill my schedule and I had to teach other classes (or Spanish at another school!) Now there are kids worried they won’t get into Spanish (and it might actually be the case). It’s crazy to think how far my little Spanish program has come.

At home: things are better with my husband. I’m still feeling the bulk of my negativity directed at him, but I’m not vocalizing it (ineffectively) anymore. I know I’m doing too much and need to ask for more help, and we have decided to get a house cleaner (but no one can recommend one and I’m just not in a head space to take that one until after the school year is over). I think once we get back into our routines, I will feel less like I’m shouldering everything. And when I have made specific requests he’s been happy to oblige (although he doesn’t always do things in the way I’d like (or that makes any sense to me!), but I keep that to myself).