As you know, I was gone last weekend, for a full 48 hours, which means I’ve been in my husband’s “debt” all week. It’s been a hard week because I feel like I need to be home a lot to make up for all the coverage he provided over the weekend.
He was pretty sulky about my being gone for a day or two, but seemed better mid week after I REALLY stepped up and went above and beyond on Monday and Tuesday. But today I really needed to go to an extra class at the dojo (or I would never have been ready for the test in two weeks) and he was clearly prickly about it. Now he’s downstairs taking some time and I’m eating a late dinner while the kids read in their beds.
Tomorrow there is a TGIF party at work, but I’m not even asking to go because I need to take my son to soccer practice and I don’t feel like I can ask my husband since he’s been covering so much and I can’t ask my son’s friend’s mom because she took him last week when I was leaving for my trip. I would really like to go to the TGIF thing at work, because I’m increasingly isolated there and spending some time with my colleagues would do me good, but it just doesn’t feel like coverage I can ask for at this point.
And yet, I never know if I’m accurately assessing these situations… I used to provide so much coverage for my husband and I don’t think he ever considered what he’d need to do to make it fair. And I feel like none of that matters anymore. Like how now my husband routinely gets up with our son on the weekends because he’s playing video games and will frequently ask for his dad’s help. And my husband brings it up frequently, the fact that I can get to sleep in on weekend mornings. But I feel like that fact that I did LITERALLY ALL the night parenting for a decade and the vast majority of the weekend mornings (when the kids got up WAY EARLIER and required I be on the floor with them building train sets or whatever) is never acknowledged. Shouldn’t I not have to feel guilty about getting one year of weekend sleeping in, when I did it for ten years before this? (And yes, I offer to get up one of the weekend mornings, but he says he’s awake anyway so I should just stay downstairs).
Does anyone else even think like this? I know I am because the pandemic allowed my us to shift our parenting and home-life responsibilities so they are more equal, which has been difficult for my husband because he’s now doing more. It’s been a big adjustment for him, and I very much appreciate his willingness to step up in all the ways that he has. But there is a part of me that resents the fact that he still hasn’t acknowledged everything I used to do. It’s not that I think I should be “paid back” for the unequal burden I shouldered all those years, but when I spend a weekend away and he feels ornery about it, I would love for him to remember that he spent a full week at SXSW every spring for 15 years, nine of them after our daughter was born. If we tallied all the days we’ve each been away, his total would dwarf my own. And yes, I do think, now that I actually have friends to go away with, that the previous disparity should be taken into account.
I don’t know what the right answer is. Or I guess, what the reasonable response is. I wish I weren’t so conditioned to worry about whether or not things are fair, or to be so tuned in to my husband’s direct and indirect responses to real or perceived inequality in our partnership. I know he’s not and he seems to get by just fine.
I get frustrated with my husband for all of these reasons and the pandemic brought about a true reckoning (that was already in the works), that helped my husband understand what we are going through NOW. And as soon as he went back to work, he forgot how hard it was, but he helps A LOT more. However, nothing is ever going to make him really understand before-times, and it’s not worth it to me anymore. But I think, if you give up waiting for that acknowledgment, you’ll be happier taking what you need. It’s OK if your friend helps 2x in a row. For one, people love to help and won’t help if they can’t. And two, I’m sure you pay it back in triple, even if it isn’t to her directly. It all comes out in the wash.
But with husbands and kids, part of life is learning to deal with their unhappiness, even when you cause it. Go blithely on, the way they would and it will become natural.
Thank you for letting me know that I’m not the only one who thinks or feels these things. Sometimes I’m really not sure.
I started talking to a new therapist during the pandemic and her biggest thing is not taking on other people’s reactions and feelings. I’m not sure I agree all the time it has been interesting to think about it. If you feel like it’s fair to go, ask. He can say no or he can sulk but say yes. Those reactions are ok but they don’t define you or your role in your marriage. For what it is worth I also did way more of the child care when our kids were little but I enjoyed it so I didn’t really resent the imbalance. But during the pandemic it was really different and everything was SO hard with the kids I did feel frustrated if he would ever complain about anything! Not healthy for a marriage for sure but I really tried to remember that we were basically going through a low level trauma (not just the pandemic but the effects on our child with extra needs that were not met by virtual school or virtual therapy) and so yes everything was hard for everyone! And things are slowly getting better now and I’m trying to let go of my past anger because it was a terrible time for our whole family. But I do try to ask for what I need and make certain things routine like the expectation that I will exercise in some capacity 3-4 times a week because I need that. Anyway good luck and I hope you can go to your thing tonight- I feel really isolated too and it sounds great.
I know I can make the choice to go and then deal with the fallout, but I guess the thing is I don’t want to go enough to deal with the fallout. Because I’ll be thinking of it while I’m there and then be frustrated about it after. So I make the choice not to even ask because I don’t want to manage my reaction to his feelings about it. (I almost said I don’t want to manage his feelings about it, but you’re right, really I don’t want to manage my own feelings about his feelings. That is what I’m avoiding.) I probably won’t go at this point because it feels too late in the game to ask for the coverage. Maybe if I had asked earlier but at this point it will just cause a ton of stress.
I also need to work out 4-5 times a week. And I prioritize martial arts which means some of those are out of the house and more impactful. I guess I decide in my head that if I’m asking for that time I can’t ask for other things if it too negatively impacts him (like today he’d technically have to take time off work to take our son to soccer). And maybe that is fair, and what I need to let go of is this resentment that he doesn’t do the same for me. If I want to treat others a certain way, I should do that on principal, not necessarily because I’m expecting them to reciprocate. That is true of friends and also my husband. It’s just harder to see it with my husband.
Thanks for your insight. Always appreciated.
Dude, ask your son’s friend’s mom to bring him to soccer practice. If the roles were reversed and you had to bring her kid 2 weeks in a row would it phase you in the slightest? Use your village so you have time to connect with your coworkers!
I totally get the fair stuff with your husband. Lots of the same thoughts and feelings and disagreements over here.
I did all the nighttime parenting too and it’s hard to feel like I can ever be made whole. For a long time I wanted an acknowledgment of all that I did. I have started to let it go. But sometimes it bubbles up. He doesn’t tend to get sulky if I go away for a weekend (though that hasn’t happened in awhile) but he gets irritated if I go out more than once during the week. Though that might be more than he thinks I don’t prioritize spending time with him.
One thing I don’t understand is why solo parenting an 8 and 11 year old for a weekend is particularly difficult? I still have a preschooler who is extremely challenging and exhausting but caring for my eight year old is fairly easy and also fun. Is it that your absence means he can’t do his own thing? Or do they fight a lot and you have to manage that?
It’s not that hard anymore! It really isn’t! I don’t know what his deal is. I honestly think he’s just unhappy generally and he’s envious that I got to go away with friends when his trip with friends was cancelled (and they can’t seem to get their shit together to plan something else). That is probably the biggest issue, but it’s easier for him to latch on to a perceived unfairness than to recognize he’s really upset that his friends can’t get their shit together so he’s stuck at home and doesn’t get a break.
I have a 13 and a 16-year-old, and it’s gotten way easier to get away over the years. At this point, basically whoever is with them just needs to make sure they get to school on time, and put dinner on the table. That’s it, if you don’t count dealing with teenage emotional drama lol. When they were little, I resented when my husband traveled for work or to see his college basketball team play, but now it’s so easy when he’s gone, maybe even easier than when he is here because there is one less person to pick up after. All this is to say that in a couple years, you will be very free compared to even how you feel now. I am going to Costa Rica next month by myself for two weeks. And I feel no guilt whatsoever after carrying the larger parenting load through their childhoods. It is high time I get to live for myself again!
This is a rather thorny issue we’ve faced in the past and I think we’ve worked through a lot of it but the key for us to make it keep working is mindfulness.
We don’t keep score which can feel rather punitive quickly. We aim for keeping balance. If someone needs “extra” coverage then that person suggests ways they can balance it out over the short or long term as appropriate. We also look for opportunities for each other: he covers for my weekly therapy, I cover for his weekly exercise. If there’s a good time for him squeeze in something extra because I’m already covering, I encourage him to take it. If it’s been too long since my last massage, he reminds me to get one. It’s an offering, rather than an imposition. We do that and thank each other for the “small” things because we both tend to take too much on and then simmer if we’re feeling taken advantage of. Those feelings suck and feeling like we have to manage the other person’s feelings sucks too. So we are learning to stop worrying about each other’s reactions and just be honest with both each other and ourselves. It’s taken a lot of practice to be truly honest rather than try to take on too much to help the other person and then simmer with resentment because we did too much but the other person had no reason to believe it was too much.
Your husband’s constant reminders of your sleeping in this year while ignoring your many years of coverage feels more like scorekeeping and it also sounds like, from here, lopsided scorekeeping. I realize we only know what you share but at least that bit of it seems like it’s not terribly fair to you.
I would have no problem helping a friend twice in a row. Would you keep count and start holding a grudge if this was asked of you? (From the rest of your post, it sounds like the answer may be yes, actually.)
Relatedly, why does your son “need” help with video games in the morning? I see no reason son can’t get up and entertain himself for a couple of hours so that both parents can sleep.
You’re not owed a weekend away because of the weekends your husband spent away when the kids were little. It’s something you just get to do because married people shouldn’t be assholes to each other. If he wants time with his friends now, I assume that he would plan something. His failure to do that does not mean you have to martyr yourself and stay home.
I am so on board with omdg’s last paragraph. Married people shouldn’t be assholes to each other and he should encourage you to do these things! I would be ALL OVER my husband if he acted this way. You should not have to “make up” for time when you’ve taken a well deserved mini vacation away. What’s the point of getting away if you come home to this?
Marriage is a partnership and things will never be equal. Someone will always be doing more in the relationship and that ebbs and flows. Tell him to stop keeping score because if that’s how he wants to work it, it sounds like you win 10-fold and then where does that leave you guys?
If you were home all weekend sitting on your ass watching him do all the things, then that’s a different conversation. But going away to have some non kid/husband time with some girlfriends? He should want that for you!