Content with less connection

I am changing. It’s subtle, so subtle that sometimes I don’t realize it, but it’s happening all the same. I’m getting older. More mature. I’m gaining perspective. But it’s also more than that. I feel like my actual personality is changing, like who I am on some of the more fundamental levels is shifting.

This weekend my son had his first “play dates” at our house. Saturday a school friend that we recently realized lived only a couple of blocks away came for a couple of hours. Sunday morning twin boys from his school came to play.

We saw the twin boys at swimming lessons later that afternoon. Their dad always brings them, and I usually bring my kids, and we spend a lot time on the benches, chatting. He also chats with a lot of the other parents. He kind of holds court, actually, chatting it up with the regulars of our time slot, especially the ones that have kids in our kids’ age brackets (he also has an older son, who is a year younger than my daughter). I’ve seen him exchanging numbers, stories, and plans with quite a few parents during the time we spend on the swim lesson benches. I’ve also seen pictures of camping trips he’s taken with other families, and heard all about play dates that turn into play weekends, with bottles of wine opening to entertain the parents as well.

This past weekend he was shooting the shit with another father, and they were talking about how great it is to have a bunch of families in the neighborhood with kids the same age. Evidently their block in San Jose was like that, and every afternoon turned into an impromptu jamboree, with kids and parents having an absolute blast. It was hard to leave that when they moved to San Francisco, but slowly they’ve been recreating a community of like-minded parents with kids the same age, who are ready and willing to get together and party the afternoon away. And soon their best-friend family will be moving 2 blocks away and they will basically be living at each other’s houses, having the best of times.

There was a time in my life when having a ton of families on my block, or at the very least a tight-knit set of families with kids my kids’ ages was everything I ever wanted. Sometimes it felt like the only real thing I actually wanted. I wanted it more than a happy marriage, or a fulfilling job. It was, quite literally, the one thing I was sure would make me happy. I pined for that life with my entire being. Hearing stories of other people having that life, pained me in ways I couldn’t explain, or even comprehend. Jealousy and envy were only the tip of the iceberg of hurt.

I never got to have that life, and I am quite certain I never will. My block is never going to be full of families with kids the same ages as mine, and we’re never going to have a network of families like that either. And that’s okay. We have our few friends, and we’re doing okay.

And I’m totally satisfied with that. Listening to this guy talk on Sunday, I was struck by how little I was affected by his story. There was no twisting in my gut as I wondered why they got to have something I wanted so badly. There was no dredging of those feelings of isolation and loneliness that defined my early experiences of motherhood. It was just a story somebody told, that had nothing to do with me, and didn’t affect me in any way.

In fact, hearing about how their best-friend family was moving in around the block didn’t stir anything in me either. Instead, the whole situation sounded rather exhausting, and I caught myself feeling relief, and even gratitude, that there is no one in my life who expects that kind of near-constant availability from me.

I’m not sure what prompted the change, but I do feel less extroverted than I once was, less needy of other people’s company to refuel my inner-battery. I’m much more content to sit at home and read. I’m less excited for the occasional get-together that we are invited to. It is rare for me to even call a friend to get a catch up drink.

Building friendships and community used to be REALLY important to me. I wrote a lot about that here. And losing important friends in my life were incredibly traumatic and painful events. And while I do sometimes think back on those friendships wistfully, they don’t carry the weight that the once did.

I don’t know if I’ve just become jaded, after so many years of trying, and failing, to create the connections I longed for in my life. Or if I’ve changed so much that they just aren’t as important to me. Or if my kids are old enough that I actually get some of that connection from them. Maybe it’s just that the modest social network I have built for myself and my family absolutely feels like enough, even if they are not what I originally thought I needed. (I do think disengaging myself from social media has helped immensely.)

I don’t know what exactly has changed, but I appreciate that I’m more content now than I was before, that I no longer perceive a gaping hole in my life, that I’m sure will never be filled. I hope this trend continues.