In early September I had to go to the OBGYN to get an endometrial biopsy done because I’d been having my period every two weeks for several months. I cramped and spotted for several days after the biopsy, and then I didn’t have a period until… tonight.
I know this is how it goes. Sometimes my cycles will be super short, other times they will stretch interminably. That is what perimenopause is all about – erratic and irregular menstruation. As someone who didn’t cycle regularly for most of her 20s, I thought I’d be pretty well prepared for that part. But it turns out, I’ve cycled pretty regularly since my second pregnancy, and I’d gotten used to that regularity. Or better said, I’d gotten used to the specific emotional roller coaster that my bullshit 21 day cycles required I ride. I knew when I started to go off the rails that my period was about to hit, and that once it was over I’d feel better. But when my cycles shortened to 14 days, my roller coaster got a remake. Now I’m not sure what the fuck I’m riding anymore.
I felt myself going off the rails this weekend. It was a particularly stressful weekend, what with my son’s serial birthday celebrations, but by Sunday afternoon I could tell that something more was messing with me. And then Sunday night I saw that tell tale tinge on the toilet paper and let out a sigh of relief. Except the next day there was nothing, and I felt even worse that I did during the weekend. Then today I felt worse. Finally tonight I saw actual spotting and I’m hoping that tomorrow my period will just come already and I’ll feel better. But maybe it won’t. The truth is, I have no idea what to expect anymore, physically or emotionally, and it’s incredibly destabilizing.
I identified that word last night – destabilizing. Naming the feeling helped; it really does feel like the ground is shifting under my feet, and I’m never quite sure how to regain my footing. I feel a deep need to ground myself… I’m working to identify strategies that might help. It’s hard, and sometimes I feel fairly awful and others I feel okay. I know this too shall pass and that maybe even next week things will feel significantly more settled. But right now I find this all very destabilizing. So I thought I’d come here and write about it.
And now I have.
Good night.
yes.
Good word for it.
Presume you have discussed options with your doctor …. And that there are medical reasons why you cannot be on hormone regulating treatments. Because menopause can go a LONG time and feeling ‘crazed’ off and on etc is ……. not good. And the wonkiness of natural hormonal fluctuation is not resolved surgically to my non-medical knowledge.
DEEP SYMPATHY. I remember those years. They were Not At All Good. But I am not sure if any improved solutions exist nowadays.
Recognizing what was happening did help.
Yes, perimenopause sucks. I second purple and rose’s comments about discussing this with your doctor. I think, after infertility, we are all so used to putting up with so much crap from our bodies, that we don’t like to complain. But I am so glad I talked to my doctor (an understanding woman) after a specialist (male) dismissed me with an alternative treatment that performs no better than placebo, and got some treatment. I felt like myself again, and my husband got a sane wife back! Explore options, and ensure you’re not having these short cycles for any other reasons (eg fibroids). Our lives are too short to have to deal with this. You have my sympathy.