My birthday was Monday. My family did… nothing. Not a card. Not a small gift. Nothing. I mean I got some “Happy birthdays” and a couple hugs. My husband made my favorite meal (at my request). But afterward he threw himself on the couch, declaring how exhausted he was, and how it was all my fault because of our ridiculous travel plans (coming home so late the night before a week of camp).
And they were ridiculous and I was annoyed at myself for making them and also, he was home all week alone with the cats, working yes but also getting A LOT of down time.
He had enough time last week to see a friend twice. And to beat Zelda Tears of the Kingdom. But he didn’t have enough time to make me a card or do anything for my birthday. Yes, he picked up the house, which I requested. But is that a birthday present? Is that even something I should have to ask him to do, like it’s a favor?
Would it be a favor to him if I did it while he was away?
You may remember it wasn’t picked up because he had Covid the week before our trip and I was sleeping in the living room until the night before we left. He played A LOT of Tears of the Kingdom that week too.
I did ask for something for my birthday, by the way. But I was told it wasn’t feasible that week, but maybe in August. (I asked that he pick up the house and get a house cleaner).
I was honestly so ready to just let my birthday disappointment go. I was jettisoning it that morning as I got the kids ready for camp. But then he said something about me tidying the medicines/vitamins area and I lost my shit. He always says he can’t deal with shit himself because it’s my stuff and he’s not sure what to do with it. Can he really not go through the little tray of medicines and vitamins and pitch what is several years old and organize the rest? Or even leave a few for me that he’s unsure what to do with? Once I asked him to clean out and organize the Tupperware containers and he just moved a couple things around and called it done. There was still popcorn and other shit all over the bottom of the containers (they just sit open under our kitchen island so shit falls into them constantly) – does he not see that? Or not care? I asked him once to please wipe off our bathroom sink and even suggested he set a weekly reminder about it in case he doesn’t see that it’s getting dirty and when I mentioned it again later he didn’t remember even having the conversation.
All the books and articles say you have to ask for what you need, you can’t expect someone to read your mind. Yesterday, I told him very clearly today, in an email, that for Mother’s Day and my birthday I would like just one thing that shows me I’m seen and appreciated. No money has to be spent, just words on a piece of printer paper is fine. We’ll see if it happens. I don’t have much hope.
I feel like I spend so much time and energy anticipating his needs and trying to meet them, and honestly I resent the fact that I have to identify and articulate my own over and over again. It’s been a hard year for him. I know this. But I’m getting tired too. And I would appreciate my spouse recognizing that and trying to do a little something to show he appreciates me.
This week I’m trying to find a balance between getting some stuff done around the house and savoring the alone time between trips. Right now I plan to listen to the new Sigor Ros album (we’re seeing them in August) while I read my book. That will be lovely, a gift I’m giving myself.
Dude, that’s just not okay that they never seem to show any love & appreciation for you even though you’ve specifically asked for that many times over the years. I understand you feeling hurt. Sorry the birthday wasn’t more joyful for you. Maybe in the future just plan to be AWAY from your fam for your birthday. Plan a day for you. A run along the ocean, lunch with a friend, a movie you’ve been dying to see, drinks with another friends. That kind of thing. Hell, pick a day SOON to make that happen and call it your belated birthday gift to yourself. 😉
My birthday gift is not cooking anything that day (I cook for the family almost every day). When my husband cooks, I almost always end up doing at least half of the things in the kitchen. I never had the chance to not be involved in preparation and have food served to me at dinner table. I realised not cooking on my birthday makes the day special and makes me happy, so I made it a priority.
My one and only one Mother’s Day gift that I ask of my family is to not see them at all that day. Like they don’t exist. I get out of the house in the morning and don’t come back till late night. They don’t call me. I honestly think this is the best gift they could give me. I wouldn’t be offended if my husband wanted the same thing on Father’s Day, but he prefers to be with the children and me, and is ok with getting a mediocre gift.
Yep, both my husband and I usually do this ourselves. 🙂 He likes to golf with his own dad and have a day to do whatever he wants, and I also make plans with friends or by myself or whatever and get an entire day without parenting/cooking/etc. Like why do some people think mother’s day has to be all about spending the entire day with the people who you area always giving to on the daily? LOL
Second JJ.
If my family so totally ignored my birthday I would feel terrible. What a painful situation.
I do not understand this behavior at all. Clearly your spouse and children ignored your birthday, what about your parents and sib?
I am SO SAD by this. Especially as you put such effort into your family’s birthdays. And they seem to expect that of you ~ but not for you. Can your children, when asked, say why? Can they say how they would feel if you ignored their birthdays?
So NOT ok. I’m sorry. 🙁
And happy belated birthday!
Hey, I am so sorry, that is unacceptable. Happy belated birthday! I had to find Sigor Ros- I love their music! I went to Iceland last year with the kids and that could have been a wonderful soundtrack for us to listen to. I can see how one can read ordo chores while listening to this band.
Not cool at all.
It sounds like you are expressing your needs clearly and in advance and it seems pretty reasonable. I can’t tell if your husband can’t step up because of his depression or because its a personality trait/lack of interest/active decision. If the former, that SUCKS for you but I understand showing grace about it right now. If the latter, honestly, I would be demanding relationship counseling. Life is too finite to put up with that level of disregard.
Question: your kids seem old enough to know how to celebrate a birthday and to show you at least some appreciation, like make you a card, or go out with you and get ice cream, stuff like that. They may just need some coaching from you since they’re not getting it from their dad. It might make you feel less alone if you tell them what you need from them: ‘Hey guys, it would mean a lot to me if you wrote me a personal card for my birthday (here’s the stuff to make it)’ or ‘Hey guys, it would mean a lot to me if you would come out with me for ice cream to celebrate my birthday’ etc.
this story is probably not helpful but one of my best friends ended up leaving her husband over a situation like this – mainly because she felt that for two years she asked and asked for what she needed and he never responded. she said “i whispered what I needed. I shouted what I needed. I asked him to go to therapy so I could say what I needed in a way he would hear. He refused. And if after two years he couldn’t hear me, I don’t think he ever will.” I’m sharing this just to say – it’s not okay he and the kids did nothing for your birthday. Not at all. And you don’t have to accept it.
I’m still not understanding why he was exhausted by your travel schedule. And also how he thinks doing nothing for a birthday is an option. Even if he doesn’t know what to do, I’m surprised he doesn’t say, hey maybe my parents can watch the kids and we can have dinner for your birthday and let you choose the place. It does not compute for me. The cleaning thing is hard. I have a hard time keeping things nearly and am often not bothered by mess that others are. I also find that no matter what I do, things look messy and dirty so I sometimes just don’t bother to try. But the cleaning chores are just one piece of a larger issue of you feeling unappreciated and your needs not being taken into account and the tremendous lack of balance in that regard. I hope next Mother’s Day and birthday are an improvement.