We were at the pool one day in St. Louis, when my son said something to me I was sure I’d never hear him say.
My daughter was also at the pool that day, with her cousin, but unfortunately we had no one to invite that was my son’s age. He was bummed out about this, and kept talking about how lucky his sister was to have her cousin there to play with. So I went on a mission to find him a friend at the pool.
We went up to a few kids before I found a mom who was willing to assist me in my match making. The two boys seemed to hit it off well enough, and played for about 30 minutes, before the mom took him to another area of the pool with his younger sibling to have a snack. At this point my son started to sulk again, so I went looking for someone else his age.
Almost immediately I saw a boy who also seemed to be looking for a playmate. I had seen him approaching other groupsm asking to participate in their games, and I didn’t see a parent (or younger siblings) hovering around him, so I thought he’d be the perfect playmate for my son. I happily pointed him out, and couldn’t believe my ears when my son informed me that he didn’t want to play with that boy, because, in his words, “his body looks different from mine.”
I’m sure you guessed it by now, but the boy I thought my son could play with was black, and my son is white.
I was so shocked that at first I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he thinks that boy is younger because he seems smaller and more slight, I scrambled, but I knew that wasn’t what my son meant. My son didn’t want to play with that little boy because he was black.
We walked back to our towels as I tried to think how to respond. I started by saying I was surprised to hear him say that, because he has many friends whose bodies “look different.” And it’s true. At least half of my son’s friends are Hispanic, as his Spanish immersion preschool attracts a lot of families with at least one Hispanic parent. But the reality is there were very few African American students there. I knew there were none in his class, and I honestly couldn’t remember if there were any of the other classes either.
When this unspoken reality made itself evident in my son’s reply – something about how this boy’s body was really different – I changed tactics and reminded him that two of his sister’s friends’ “bodies looked different” and that they were still very good friends that he liked to play with. And it is true, one girl especially is incredibly nice to him and he assumes she is as much his friend as my daughter’s. This definitely made him pause, and he seemed to think hard about what I was saying.
After a sustained silence I went on to talk about how it’s true that not everyone looks the same, that some people have different color skin, and different color hair, and different color eyes, but that we’re all the same on the inside. We talked more about the various people in our lives that look different and about what good friends they are and how much they mean to us. After this, I asked him again if he’d like to go talk to the boy in the pool, who was clearly still looking for someone to play with.
My son agreed and the two boys hit it off. They ended up playing together for over two hours, and I only once mentioned again, as we were leaving, how we can make friends with all different kinds of people.
I have to admit, the whole episode really rattled me. Teaching tolerance is VERY important to me and my husband – one of the main reasons we want to stay in the city and send our kids to city schools is so they will meet and be friends with kids from diverse backgrounds. I thought we were doing a good job – only one of my daughter’s good friends is white (a couple have one white parent) and she is clearly comfortable talking to and befriending kids of any background. She has never made a comment to me that would suggest she believes white people are better than any one else, or that she prefers to play with white people. I figured my son felt the same.
But the reality is I couldn’t have known, because we haven’t actually spoken with him about race. And I know how important it is for parents to talk about race with their kids. After reading that article in Nurture Shock about how avoiding the topic of race in the hopes that their children will be color blind, is exactly the wrong strategy for white parents who hope to raise tolerant kids, I am acutely aware of how important it is to talk openly and explicitly about race. Kids will instinctively notice that kids look different and avoid them – it’s human nature to categorize the world and put yourself in the most easily determined category; we need to talk to our kids, early and often, about race so that they can learn that even people who look different are, on the inside, the same.
Only a couple weeks after the pool incident, my son let me know that we still have a lot of talking to do about race.
Yesterday was my son’s first day of a one week, half-day summer camp. He was pretty nervous about going – it was his first and only organized care situation since he left his preschool of three years last month. He knew he wasn’t going to know anyone there and was worried he wouldn’t make any friends. But he was brave and walked in with a smile. When I came to pick him up it was clear he was having a great time, and had really enjoyed himself.
But the lead camp counselor came over and asked me to speak with her privately. Evidently, earlier in the day, my son had told two boys that they had the same color skin and so they must be brothers. This hurt one of the boy’s feelings and he started crying. The counselors told him that they weren’t brothers, and changed the subject without really going into it. Now they were asking me to talk to him about it.
And I did. We had another discussion about how people can have similar skin or hair or eye color and not be related, and how people can have very different skin or hair or eye color and be related. We talked about how we shouldn’t talk about people’s skin, or hair or eye color because it might hurt their feelings (even if we’re not trying to be mean) but that it’s okay to notice people look different and it’s always okay to ask questions at home. He seemed to understand, but it’s hard to be sure. Obviously, living in a diverse city, and going to school with people from different backgrounds won’t make our son “color blind;” we need to keep having conversations about skin color, making sure that our son is not just tolerant of, but kind to people who “look different.”
How and when do you teach tolerance? Can you recommend any books or shows (geared toward a 4-5yo) that explicitly talk about race?
I have “Raising White Kids” on my nightstand right now, hoping to start it this week.
We worked so hard with Matthew that we thought Bryson was getting it through osmosis, I guess. As you know, that wasn’t the case and we had a similar situation this past January. It was YOU who calmed me down then, telling me it was normal for them to be noticing and categorizing themselves. 😁 Thank you for that. I knew you wouldn’t judge me when I texted you that horrifying story that night.
We all have work to do. I’m going to start that book today.
Thank you for this post. I think about this all the time. Unfortunately my son isnt exposed to much diversity, especially among his peers. People say to talk about race explicitly but I don’t know how to bring it up. I wish someone would tell me exactly what to say because he never brings it up. We have books with diverse characters but my son mostly wants to read books about tv characters (grrrr MIL for buying him SO MANY). My son is the exact same age as yours and I am at a total loss
Ugh, this reminds me how much more I need to talk to my own kids. My niece is 50% Norwegian and 50% West African, and in the context of their cousin’s skin color we have talked about skin color, but there is SO much more I need to say. I live in such a non-diverse area that it sometimes falls off my radar, and that’s no good…
I’ve worried about this and read the same advice. Our kids had at least a few black kids at daycare/preschool plus two black preschool teachers. And now there are some black kids in elementary school and summer day camp. We’ve talked about differences some and fortunately haven’t had any issues. I was (perhaps unwarrantedly) proud when my oldest referred to a black child by describing her curly hair and not the color of her skin (she was complaining about something that happened in the after school program and didn’t know the girl’s name).
I wonder if diversity can help, if the children are actually exposed to the race/difference in question (it seems your son hadn’t been around black children…). One of my oldest child’s peers back in preschool had 2 moms so that was a good opportunity to explain the families come in different types—some with a mom and dad, or two moms, or two dads. I was glad to have this convo when my kids were younger and we could just say this in a matter of fact manner when they were at an age to just accept it.
We live in a very diverse area, I work in research that happens to be one of the fields that brings in lots of different races and my kids go to daycare, preschool and summer camp on an Army base which surprisingly is very diverse. My daughter has never spoken of race and has friends of all different backgrounds however recently they read the book “Rosa Parks” at summer camp and now my daughter has all of the questions about why some people are called “black” when in fact their skin is more brown and she herself has “peach” skin and not white skin. It’s all very eye opening. However I do feel very confident in that my children are not judging anyone by the color of their skin but by the kindness of their souls.
On a side note, I am in research and it is not only human nature but more broad, animals do the same things, grouping themselves by color and species. It’s how they survive.
My son has also asked questions about why people’s skin colors are called “black” and “white” when they are really more brown and peach. (He is a detail-oriented guy with a strong interest in art.)
We have talked with our sons some about race, but we have a lot more talking to do. We are all white, of western European heritage, but we have extended families who are mixed race (Hawaiian and black). We also have several friends who are non-white; of my closest friends, one is black/Jewish and another is Mexican-American. Our next door neighbors are immigrants from India.
In spite of this exposure to people of other races, I have been shocked by some of the comments my sons have made over the years. (Ex.: at age 5, one son said he didn’t like a classmate “because he has brown skin and black curly hair.” WHAT?!!)
I agree with the notion that we, as parents of white children, need to discuss this topic with our kids. It is absolutely NOT the case that children are “color-blind.” They notice differences, just as any adult would. The difference is that they don’t necessarily know of, or subscribe to, the racial stereotypes so prevalent in our society.
At 6 weeks a child born to white parents in Australia had only seen white people. A South India friend came over. The baby was hypnotized by this person, clearly a human face, but DIFFERENT!! WE SEE COLOR at very early ages. We also see gender at very early ages. We see age and height at early ages though many young children confuse the two, thinking taller is automatically older.
At 2 1/2 the Aussie born child in an Asian restaurant looked at a traditional cultural picture, and instantly identified it as being their uncle of Asian ancestry. We see racial stereotypes early. I know a tri-racial child in multi-ethnic immediate family, who before 3, by just seeing people in San Francisco interact ~ decided white people were good, darker people bad, and absolutely identifying as ‘White’.
In a setting where the majority of children are POC discriminatory behaviors also exist, a majority member of such a group of pre-schoolers announced that a child with curly natural hair had a permanent because only straight hair was normal; that a multi-ethnic child with natural blond hair from babyhood had dyed their hair and THEN CUT THE natural BLOND OFF because the cutter had naturally straight black hair and therefore this other child………
Go to your library ask for their non-fiction books about skin color differences. They will have them suitable for all age groups and do not forget Todd Parr and others for toddler books on diversity.
ONLY White children in this country can grow up ‘color-blind’. ONLY Men in this country can grow up not believing gender inequality exists and is wrong. Only white families do not discuss racial reality in this country on a regular basis with their children at all ages. Only white families do not automatically teach their children, from the beginning, that the child will be automatically living with greater danger from authority figures and officials in every aspect of their daily lives; teachers, police, taxi drivers, wait-staff, medical care, etc.
IF your children look, or pass, as white they need to know this happens and IS WRONG all their lives because IT WILL AFFECT THEM. And the consequences from current affairs will fall out on them their whole lives … they will clearly and identifiably be ‘white Americans’ and judged accordingly.
Be registered and vote.
PS: Your experience with your son isn’t abnormal except that you, correctly, understood his response is not in accord with your values. For most/many in this country it would not have seen, or if seen, it would have been either ignored or encouraged.
Do you know any books? Our library isn’t too helpful?
Todd Parr for diversity for toddlers race and family structures.
Amazon ask for “children’s books on skin color” they have wide variety. And a slae right now if you are prime account.
Go to San Francisco Public Library and do same as for Amazon. Any CA resident can get SFPLibrary borrowing privileges. Most CA libraries have interactive loaning privileges with multiple other public libraries. I would assume other states have similar inter library loan arrangements.
A MIGHT GIRL (g**gle/search it on line) has wonderful ideas for books (esp for girls obviously) but books for children are really not gender specific. Think of all the girls who read Harry Potter. Boys need the same exposure to girls being smart and competent and adventuresome in books and life to avoid growing up with ignorant ideas about women as not being human like they are, only being sexual objects and objects that they are entitled to ‘free services’ and ‘needs meeting’ from.
In fact, boys may be even more in need of books about strong capable women (people of color and white) in our society today than girls are, because of the historical position of women/POC in our history and current attitudes espoused by many people in positions of power. AM*GHTYGIRL.COM
I don’t have any book suggestions but there was an excellent podcast (The Longest Shortest Time)- episode 116- How to Not (Accidentally) Raise a Racist and it was great. Helpful hints on starting to talk to your white kid NOW about race, disabilities, etc. It feels a little weird because we are not super diverse in our area, but my daughter recognizes that some of her teachers and a couple of her classmates are not white, but yet are just the same on the inside as her. She has already asked about why black person are called black instead of brown and why we are called white people. The earlier you can start talking to them about this kid of stuff, the better (according to the podcast).
After reading this post, Little Monster announced loudly at a busy store “I know what Black people are! They are Native American!” So. We have a lot more to discuss. We started by looking at models around the clothing section. “see, people come in lots of skin colors & hair colors but neither of those tell us for sure about the person. It’s best to get to know them.” Then we touched on racism (some people think that darker skin is a bad thing & are mean to people with darker skin. In our family we know that isn’t true. We also don’t talk about people’s skin colors loudly or in public because who people are on the inside is the most important). Next will be a trip to a park somewhere with real diversity so we can meet people who look different. Then we’ll hunt for library books to reinforce what she’s learned. It’s such a process to fight this instinct/cultural tendency but keeping at it is important.