My husband and I had it out yesterday. It was a long time in coming. Turns out the feeling of equity around childcare and household chores that we’d finally reached after years of struggle was not immune to the complete upheaval of our lives that sheltering in place has created.
It also turns out that as an introvert and an extrovert that crave connection in different ways, sheltering in place is affecting us differently.
After a lot of yelling, and tears (on my part) we got to a place where we could recognize the blind spots that our biases were creating as we considered each other’s perspective. And of course, there are no easy answers moving forward, when options are as limited as they are in a place where we likely we won’t make it to Phase 2 of reopening, and we don’t have the financial means to hire help in a way that would meaningfully reduce the burden of childcare.
I’ve come to dread the weekends. During the week days we have a certain schedule we follow – and other people have come to depend on us going outside so their kids can join. That helps me feel like our days have purpose. The weekends are just hours stacked on hours with nothing really to do. I was always the mom who took her kids somewhere on the weekends. The idea of staying at home has always filled me with dread. I had passes to all the kid places around – I was always out and about. It’s how I like to pass the hours. It’s how I keep myself mentally healthy.
But there is no where to go. No where that we haven’t already been.
I stare at the July calendar with increasing feelings of dread. I’m panicked that my kids camps in August will be cancelled. I’m terrified my principal will call me to tell me I’ve been reassigned to a 5th grade class because they don’t want to hire new teachers and middle school electives are easily expendable in a crisis like this one. I will be miserable teaching 5th grade in pandemic conditions, but it’s better than not having a job (this is why I kept my multiple subject credential current, after all). If I get reassigned, my old position will probably cease to exist, at least for a long while.
I’m resigned to the reality that the parents in my district want their kids back in the classroom no matter the risk it poses to me and my family. The disregard for teacher health and well being is not necessarily surprising, but it’s still upsetting. Meanwhile the state is requiring schools return with at least some brick-and-mortar teaching taking place or they simply won’t fund districts.
These possibilities and realities rattle around in my head as I stare at the clock and watch the minutes tick slowly by. The kids get Minecraft in the morning and a movie in the late afternoon / early evening, and there are so many hours in between.
I’m going to run later today. To clear my head and get some much needed endorphins to my brain. I gotta find a way to get out of this rut. My mental health is deteriorating and I’m finding it hard to give enough f***s to do anything about it.
My husband planned an outing tomorrow, which I appreciate. I know he’s doing it for me, and it’s nice to feel like he cares. I think ultimately he realized is I become a useless puddle of muck he is truly f***ed, but I also think he cares about me feeling better.
These are hard times. Things are only going to get harder. I think it’s realizing how truly screwed we are, and for how long, that is finally sinking in. I guess I thought things were going to get better, but even in San Francisco, where people are more willing to wear masks (and where legally they have been required to for the past month), where the weather is nice enough to go outside and the wind keeps us safer than in most places, where restaurants haven’t even been allowed to have people sit inside and bars never even reopened – our numbers have gone up enough that the next phase of reopening that was supposed to start this Monday has been postponed. If we can’t keep numbers down here, I doubt anyone can. It’s a chilling thought.
I’m trying to appreciate the small moments with my kids – to really look at them when they are talking to me, to soak up who they are right at this moment. It helps, but it’s still hard.
What bright spots are lighting the way for you right now? How do you make it through the weekends?
I am a high school teacher and my husband has had to go into the office during this entire “shutdown”. We have three boys and like you we would have spent the summer out, playing on playgrounds, splash pads, soccer, swimming lessons, trips to local attractions. This summer has been hard since all of those activities are cancelled. We keep a routine and taught our twins to ride bikes and spend a lot of time in our back yard playing. I registered for a virtual run across the state of Missouri and decided to complete my canceled marathon in September virtually, so I am training for that. During the week I get up and run 3x a week before my husband leaves for the office. On the weekend I run my long run early to avoid try and avoid the heat. We take the boys for a long bike ride, currently up to 12 miles, on Saturday or Sunday. I feel more relaxed on the weekends since my husband is home and can help with the boys and house.
We are going on hour #9 of screen time. I did get a couple of Kahn academy exercises out of her about an hour ago. During this time my husband and I packed, went for a walk, and I reviewed a manuscript. We have really low expectations. I hate weekends too. I think part of my problem is I feel pressure to get work done on the weekends, which I can’t do unless my kid is occupied. I hope it will be better after we move.
Dread is such a well chosen word.
The numbers are so bleak. And so clear.
AND IT DID NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
I am writing addresses on postcards for ‘get out the vote’ work. I can write 10 and then my handwriting deteriorates too much so I pause. Then I write 10 more. Over and over again. I can put stamps on postcards too. But writing the message about voting is more than I can write because of my shaky hands, so another person does that part.
I am glad you can tell your husband cares. This is very hard. I will write the next 10 addresses thinking of you……sending wishes for hope in the storm. Hang on and hold on. You are very cared about. YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
I’m so sorry. FWIW I don’t want my kids in school! Our district is planning two options—2 days on campus/3 at home or all distance learning. I totally want the all distance. But my telework option has ended (even tho my employer encourages it and has even crafted a special policy—it’s at the discretion of each dept) and I wouldn’t qualify for ffcra leaves for the days school is available…and they want us to commit to one now even though they don’t know if they’re requiring masks yet…our local health order requires them for only 13 and up (wtaf) and apparently no one can figure out if the state order (3 and up) applies to schools!?!? I would NOT feel safe as a teacher if kids aren’t wearing masks. Numbers are surging here in my county yet the state/county keep opening up more despite trigger criteria being exceeded…we are a major tourist destination and now that hotels are open we are getting lots of unmasked covidiots…great….
We are managing ok even tho mostly stuck at home. I WANT to be home. Kids have summer academy thru our district (in lieu of usual summer camp)—3 hours of synchronous online instruction per day. I am alternating (low paid but better than nothing) ffcra leave with my husband. I took the kids to a local beach last week—cold enough so it wasn’t too crowded. We didn’t sit, no beach toys, we kept our distance and were some of the few wearing masks. It was good to get out. And the peloton app is keeping me sane (I fortunately already had a non-peloton spin bike in my garage). My gym opened back up but hard pass for now.
Hope you have good solitary run today for you. Hope the plans your husband made work out well also.
Trust your weather is good, mine is less hot than past few days and that is relief, but it is temporary and has not been as hot as it will be as summer continues.
Back to postcards; get out vote.
I am surprised by how hard it is because we both worked from home for more than a decade before this started. But, we moved back home to California so I’d have people, and I made a real effort to get out once or twice a month on weeknights and many weekends. Now, there’s no going out. There’s just….here all the time. Add to that my husband is high risk and pretty much freaks at even going to the grocery store, the fact that our little town is in the Trumpiest county in California and having people say “the governor has no right to say I have to wear a mask- Merica!” and that we’ve both been working crazy, insane extra hours, with huge pressure on us and….we’re stretched to our limits. I am not someone who has to get out ALL the time….but I need my people and not ever seeing them is really really hard- trying to balance those needs with my husband’s legitimate worries for his health is also hard….because I don’t want to endanger him but I also am over being home all the time. He is really fine with it because he’s an introvert who doesn’t need people. I however very much need people and am breaking. I’m trying to do occasional low risk (outdoor) activities but …it’s not enough after 3 months of no contact to see someone for an hour once a month.
Use the phone and at least every other day talk to a friend, different person each time you call. If need be, sit in your car for personal space while you talk to them and then husband also gets alone quiet time; even if you have to set a timer and only get 10-20 minutes.
Consider using front or back yard or porch to have ‘coffee’ with masks on with one friend a week at a 6 foot or more distance for only an hour maximum (perhaps on the weekend) so no need to share insides of house/bathrooms. If those options do not work, take beach towel and do at a park minding the distance carefully. Yes, I do understand the crazy work hours you are putting in, but making a time out will allow you to do the hours your job requires.
Helps.
We’ve set up a schedule (through google calendar so everyone can check it on the iPad/phone). There are scheduled times for reading, instrument practicing, family games, outdoor activities, cleaning, snacks, meals, free time…
If the kids want to do something, we say “check the schedule”. It really helps gives structure to the days.
And (I realize this won’t work for everyone, but except for family movie nights on Friday and Saturday and zoom summer classes, we’ve gotten rid of screen time altogether. It’s made a huge difference!
One more thing: online camps/classes have been great. One kid has music camp online and the other is taking online classes via the Outschool site. They both take online math classes via the Russian School of Mathematics. RSM has been amazing and both kids have learned so much more math than they ever did in school.
Good for having it out with your husband to adjust things so they will be at least a little more workable for you going forward. I’m an introvert and can’t imagine how hard the current times would be for an extrovert.
Purple and rose has some good ideas above. A couple other ones (and please ignore if these aren’t workable or helpful):
– I don’t know what the official word is on travel in California, but can you do a day trip or weekend trip (renting a cabin) to somewhere new?
– And I know this is tricky and you don’t want to endanger them but it sounds like your parents are okay with having your kids visit – could your kids go visit your folks or do something outside with them for part of one weekend day to break things up?
-Is there any kind of project you could work on with your kids, whether something around the house or yard (you’ve mentioned wanting to declutter) or something art/cooking/baking for example?
Of course it’s a lot easier to give advice than it is to figure out things for yourself 🙂 My 9 year old has a pretty consistently rotten attitude – all I hear is about she is tired/bored/hungry but she also never likes any of the suggestions I have to address any of those issues. All she wants to do is watch YouTube videos – I just locked down her phone to 2 hrs per day which is about to run out already for today so we’ll see how things go after that…