When I saw my high school Spanish teacher a couple of months ago, one of the things he mentioned remembering about me was that I wore my emotions on my sleeve. He said he could tell when I walked into the door what kind of day I was going to have in his class because I was wearing my attitude all over my face.
This is a problem I still struggle with.
The resting bitch face doesn’t help. Clearly my default facial expression communicates anger or distress. I assume this because I get a lot of unsolicited remarks on my mood from random people on the street. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard something along the line of, “Hey, it can’t be that bad,” or even a concerned, “I hope things get better,” from total strangers.
I definitely have “big feelings” (as we say in parenting and education). Still, at 38, I feel things intensely. Sometimes this can be amazing, but a lot of the time it really sucks.
I do think I’ve gotten better, in the past five or so years, to be less obvious about my feelings, but I know I still wear a lot of my emotions on my sleeve. I really need to tone it down.
One thing I struggle with is letting go of anger, frustration, and disappointment. When something has upset me I dwell on it for way longer than is necessary. Even if I’m not thinking about it, the foul mood will linger. The negativity can taint my outlook on pretty much anything. This is such a bad habit and negatively affects every aspect of my life: parenting, my marriage, and teaching. I really need some effective techniques for letting go of frustration and disappointment, especially in situations that I can’t control.
I see my kids doing this too, clinging to a negative reaction long after the moment has passed and letting that anger or disappointment poison the rest of an experience. I want to give them some effective tools to combat the negative thought cycles, and I’ll need to learn them myself before I can pass them along.
Do you have any strategies for overcoming anger, frustration, or disappointment? How do you keep the negative self-talk from taking over your thoughts?
Name the name of the emotions ‘I feel x’. Then take a deep breath (really important reset button) and try to find perspective. The old: will this matter in 2 weeks, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years game. Ask yourself if the feeling you are experiencing is really justified/accurate/appropriate; because often it isn’t when you have named it and thought about it. Remembering something wonderful that has also happened or will be happening soon that you are grateful about. Which reminds us to look every morning of every day for something beautiful or something you are grateful for. (when that is flush toilets or hot running water life may not be feeling terrific but it reminds us of our blessings and that counts.) I prefer when it is something like sunrise skies, or a pretty flower, or a smile from a child but I go with hot water, flush toilets, food on my plate and roof over my head regularly because these really are blessings too. Looking for someone to give an honest compliment to is also good, a passing remark without stopping to chat.
Similar here, “I feel x about y” then I give myself time to feel it, set a timer (1-10 minutes), & then I breathe it out with 3 deep slow breaths. If it’s gone/better, then that’s awesome. If not, I jot it down & save it for worry time the next day (just I feel x about y). I have a half hour after work when I go over left over things from the day before. If I’m still feeling the emotion after rereading my note, I ask myself if something else is causing my feeling (for me, usually fear of something that I’m hiding by being angry/annoyed/jealous). Then I tell myself (out loud) that it’s ok to feel however I feel but feelings don’t have to lead to actions, some feelings just happen & then are done.
I deal with resentment somewhat differently, in that I try to find my part in what I’m resenting & then fix what I can while accepting that I can’t run everything so others aren’t mine to control. I have to accept my part & also quit controlling others (or expecting them to like my attempts at controlling them). When I’ve done my part it helps me let things go. If I feel inadequate to do my part, I ask for help figuring out if my expectations of me make sense or if I give others grace while demanding much more of myself.
Ha ha I am terrible with this. In fact I’ve spent the past several days being very upset over something that happened re my children’s school—this committee that I’ve been on for two years is having an evening event and the date was agreed upon at our last meeting and email was sent out to everybody including people that didn’t make the meeting. Then two weeks later, after I’d already invested time and money planning my participation in the event and purchasing materials, two people announced that couldn’t make that date and wanted to change to another which I couldn’t do. So the event ended up getting moved. It be one thing if when we were coming up with a date majority rules and it was a date I couldn’t make, fine but when the date was already agreed-upon and information was sent out and I already put my precious time and energy into it, plus two of the four activities were my ideas, it makes me really upset. And it’s hard not to take personally that the principal values the presence of other people more than that of mine. So I have stewed over this and lost sleep. So I’m a terrible example for my kids and have zero advice.
Get repaid for your expenditures. THEN, resign suggesting the two names take over your responsibilities. IF asked why, tell the truth: your participation was not valued though your ideas were. And do not return to school activities.
I’d be mighty peeved too …. which is probably obvious as I am peeved on your behalf!
I was on the board of an org that would send out the dates of board meetings months in advice. I would enter all the dates into my planner and not schedule things for that night. And about half the time, the dates would be changed at the last minute because a few people (usually including the biggest donor) couldn’t come. I get that people were busy and maybe had a harder time saving the date, but it happened all the time and I was declining other invitations because I prioritized the meeting. It still bothers me years later.