Today is my daughter’s 14th birthday. In many ways, it’s the anniversary of me becoming a mother, of my life changing irrevocably. And forever.
I’ve been thinking of her and my transition to motherhood and my journey as a parent a lot this past week. And I’ve been feeling a lot of big feelings about it. Some of those feelings are…
Gratitude. I’m still so grateful that I got to be a mother. It hasn’t been at all what I expected, but I’m deeply appreciative of being able to experience it.
Awe. My daughter is an incredible person. We are similar in many ways, but she is so much better at so many things I’ve worked my whole life to be better at. Most of the time I feel like she is so amazing in spite of my parenting, not because of it.
Confusion. Being a parent is hard, especially in the age of social media. I feel like I’m never sure what I should be doing or how I should do it. And I teach adolescents for a living!
Trepidation. After some really difficult early years, my daughter has had such a great go of it so far. She managed to sail through the social aspects of middle school with almost no problems (how?!). She still likes us and wants to be with us a lot of the time. There is a big part of me that is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s hard not to assume it will get harder for her, and us, at some point. Don’t all adolescent girls have to be miserable at some point? I know I was.
Love. Is love an emotion? Sometimes it feels like it is. When I look at my daughter and I just feel joy and light and wonder. It’s the feeling I associate with really appreciating the people I
love. Not sure what else to call it.
Parenthood: not what I expected….. So true. I adore my children and who they are as adults and parents themselves. They have both said in different words that parenthood is not what they expected either. And we all adore their children.
They parent differently than I did. I wish i had parented as they do parenting. I wish I would live long enough to see their children parent…because I think each generation seems to be getting better and better at this job. as we know so much more about children and people than we knew all those decades ago. SO I remind myself to give my self grace for raising children who are improving the future.
Parenting is hard. Your children seem to be doing great! Congratulations on your wonderful gift to our world.
I worry sometimes that I don’t parent differently enough than my own parents. I’m trying, but it’s hard not to fall back into familiar patterns.