One thing I’ve realized reading blogs is that everyone has different thresholds for what they can manage. Some people that I read seem to “do less” than me, but feel just as overwhelmed and some people do so much more than me and seem to be just fine (Sarah’s recent DITL post had me reeling, but that is not uncommon – she does so much and always seems ready to do more!) I feel like I usually have a lot on my plate, and much of time I do end up getting it done, if not well. This fall things have felt pretty unmanageable, or the waves of overwhelm have felt surprisingly big and heavy. But maybe I always feel like that? I’m pretty sure my problem is that I take on too much, but it feels like if I took out the “unnecessary stuff,” all that would be left is obligations and chores. Am I really supposed to stop doing all but those things so that the days feel more manageable? I don’t know.
Anyway, my point today was to write out some of the reasons that it’s felt so hard, hopefully putting in perspective my feeling of overwhelm and reminding myself that this too shall pass (eventually?!)
Transition to high school. Why was I not dreading this? Honestly I’m glad I wasn’t because it wouldn’t have helped me, but man oh man has it been a hard transition. The 14yo has so much more homework, and is really struggling to get it all done every night. She also has trouble keeping track of it; there are so many very late nights that could have been avoided if she had a good way of tracking her assignments. The good news is she’s doing well, the bad news is her success right now relies HEAVILY on parental support. She’s up much later than either of us want to be awake, so we take turns being the one to stay up with her and make sure she gets to bed at a reasonable (or close to it) time. Honestly, this is probably the biggest struggle right now, and most everything else is tied to this in some way.
Mornings. I used to get up at 6am and spend the first hour of my day blissfully alone getting the kids lunches ready and making coffee and getting ready for work. Now my daughter gets up at the same time as I do and I spend the first hour of the day trying to get her out of bed and done with her breakfast. She is always in a bad mood, which puts me in a bad mood. The fights over phone use are horrible (this is a MASSIVE problem for us – her relationship with her phone is a constant point of contention, despite the copious locks and time limits we have placed on it. I’m SO GLAD we waited until 8th grade to get her one – I honestly wish we had waited longer). It’s just a shitty way to start the day and leaves me grumpy for my morning commute. I used to always listen to an audiobook on my drive down, but now I listen to sad music most of the time, because that is how I feel most mornings.
Husband traveling. My husband had two big trips this fall, one for fun and one for work. I’m incredibly lucky to have my in-laws help with the mornings when he is away, otherwise I’d have to miss 1.5 hours of class every morning and write sub plans for a ton of classes. I don’t really mind that much when he’s away, because I know what to expect and I can manage things without him (maybe not super well, but at a level I deem acceptable). It’s when he comes home and is still not able to step up because he’s jet lagged or tired or getting sick or whatever it is. He’s been home for almost a week from Dubai and he’s barely been helping. But he’s around so I can’t just do things my way. It’s the worst of both worlds, and I am so over it. I’m glad he’s not set to travel again for a while.
Challenges at work. School has been hard this year. I have a lot more behavioral issues than I did last year. I have way more chronically absent students. More of my students are struggling to master the material. I spend way more of time my time trying to catch kids up after they’ve been gone, or reteach them something they don’t understand, or make up assessments they missed. The way I’ve been doing things for the past five years are just not working as well, and re-configuring stuff takes time and energy. This is going to be an issue all year, so I need to figure out a better way to manage it. I met with my principal today (I’m being observed this year) and she mentioned that she doesn’t want me working harder than my students and I thought, OH MY GOD I AM. I am working way harder than so many of them, and that has to stop. I need to figure out how I’m going to manage the chronic absenteeism, make my expectations clear to students and parents, and then hold my boundaries. Of course all that will take a lot of work!
Other random one offs. Getting covid in September threw me for a loop (especially since so many family members had big events they didn’t want to miss right after). The refrigerator swap was awful and then resulted in the broken refrigerator that needed to be fixed (lesson there: hire people to move refrigerators for the love). My sister coming to town now, at the end of my trimester, is just the worst timing, but there is nothing I can do about that. She will come when she comes and I just have to decide how much time I make for her. (She used to live literally ACROSS THE STREET from me, and we NEVER saw each other, so I’m not sure why I try so hard when she’s here.) There has been some other extended family stuff that doesn’t really have to do with me, but that has been stressful. The election was anxiety-producing and then devastating and heartbreaking. It hasn’t been a great fall, but hopefully things will get better.
I didn’t write this post to bitch, I honestly wanted to remember why I’ve been feeling so done lately. Honestly, just the high school transition stuff and the challenges in my classroom are enough to make everything feel like too much. I need to remember that. And remember that just being home in the evenings does not necessarily make me feel better. When I’m home I need to make dinners for the kids and manage their homework and chores and do my own shit, and it’s not exactly pleasant or energizing. I think sometimes I forget that. Would a weekend at home alone be helpful! Absolutely! But that ain’t happening any time soon, so I need to find other things that actually fill my cup.
Or maybe I’ll just ignore my daughter in the morning and let her figure it out herself. (In fact, I’m definitely going to start doing that.)
This was helpful to me. Thank you for writing. Am curious if separate fromm travel and jet lag if your husband feels he gained and learned from the trip? Am wondering because sometimes conferences are just out of office and sometimes they do more …. but always there is the massive pre gone work and the massive return to work stuff and it all can be add. Hoping he is glad he was there.
How much homework was your daughter accustomed to in middle school? Both how much time did the school think it would take and how much did it actually take her. The child I know in middle school is told their homework ought to be only 80 minutes in total…… but it is running 3-5 hours after school and often more on the weekend. I do think the child on my end’s school computes how long it would take the expert teacher to do the work and that is an under-call on how long it really is taking middle schoolers. What is the experience at your school too…… as a third data point on middle school homework. And NO pressure to actually write on this topic! just my mind running.
THANK YOU!!!!
My daughter and I fought so much when I tried to help her with her homework, because we would talk past each other. It was a blessing because she blew me off around the middle of 8th grade and just did her shit herself. She had a calendar the school gave her, and I could see her assignments on school loop, and I’ll admit I did look and nag a bit. For my daughter the worst year was junior year, so stressful with the AP and honors classes and SAT prep and everything. College was easier. HANG IN THERE.
Highschool is a big change and them being real teenagers does not help. I can’t really complain so far. I am glad both of my kids are on top of things so far but it is a lot. My daughter is taking AP bio this year and is constantly studying. I do get the google classroom summaries each week what I like because I can ask more specific questions. But honestly – I feel you. It is always something. When they were in elementary school I volunteered a lot and ran the school reading club, I thought that I would have so much more time now that they are done but it somehow always fills up.
This is a lot going on so feeling low is totally understandable. Give yourself some grace. And letting your daughter do her thing in the morning sounds like a good start. Hope it works.
The high school transition sounds hard. A struggling kid (for whatever reason) can really take up an enormous amount of bandwidth. Last year we had one kid in that spotlight and this year we have another! I hope she adjusts soon. Don’t be afraid to consider getting some outside school help if it’s financially feasible (I’ve even heard things about executive functioning coaches for teens, or an online tutor, etc).
It is so, so hard to have a child struggling emotionally or academically. This year has been tough for our grade 8 teen; things have settled down a bit, but I think “you’re only as happy as your least happy kid” is quasi-true.
Sending hugs and hope things look brighter soon.
Also, I think it’s so important to acknowledge that we’re feeling tired and overwhelmed because there is literally no way to not feel tired and overwhelmed in a particular season. Looking back I’ve had some times in life where I was so merciless with myself and now I’m like: Wow – that was a terrible time and there was no way you could Mary Poppins your way out of it. That doesn’t make the experience any more pleasant, but there is something empowering about saying: life feels really messy right now and that’s because there is a lot of messy stuff happening, not because I’m incapable of staying on top of things etc.
But those seasons SUCK. Hope you see some light at the other side soon.
I am in high school and with some of my incoming freshmen I have mad behavior problems. Mainly, a major lack of maturity and not realizing that they now are in high school. There were some detentions assigned, emails sent home, and private meeting with students to let them know that their behavior is preventing others from learning, and that is a no-no in my class. So, student behavior can be at the middle and the high school level both… How are you expected to manage absenteeism? Is that part of your job description? Shouldn’t it be on the school, not the individual teacher??
What do you think accounts for the chronic absenteeism? Is it illness or vacations or car trouble or something else? This would drive me crazy if I were a teacher, especially if I were expected to give them assignments in advance, spend time helping them catch up, etc. It seems like so much work and it would irritate me that parents would think they are entitled to it (unless it’s because of illness or an emergency). It’s probably good I’m not a teacher!
Yeah, this sounds REALLY hard. I hope things get easier with your daughter. It sounds like way too much homework. It makes me angry- high school kids shouldn’t be spending that many hours on schoolwork outside of school. So of course she’s in a bad mood in the morning- she’s not getting enough sleep. My daughter can be really difficult in the morning, accusing me of losing her favorite shirt or just saying mean things. I refuse to engage with her over those things- I just can’t let it ruin my whole day.
Anyway… I don’t have any words of wisdom other than to say that it gets easier. Of course, it always seems like when one thing gets easier, another gets harder. Hang in there.
Writing this out and analyzing the situations that were proving most difficult — will definitely help in the long run. Sending hugs for better mornings 💗 Found your blog via NaBloPoMo
Ha, I read your last sentence and laughed b/c it’s exactly what I was going to say to you. My daughter’s phone is on “downtime” 9pm-7am now (so she can only text me, her dad, and grandparents during that time) and it’s WAY easier for her to get up and moving and ready between 6-7am now. And if she fiddles around on it between 7-7:30 (bus comes at 7:32), if she forgets something b/c of the phone, she loses the phone the next day entirely. I have zero patience/tolerance for that. (and she still has an apple watch to call me for emergencies/transport stuff). She’s only 7th grade now, but your posts def make me nervous for 9th!
Also, just from IRL/URL “knowing” you for all of these years, I definitely think you have a low threshold for overwhelm and have very little community support which is a recipe for horrid stress for you. I don’t say that to throw shade, but really it’s SUCH a good reminder that when we lived in multi-generational households and were close to neighbors and not spending every penny to live in a really expensive place, things really were easier for everyone in a multitude of ways – especially in ways that would have helped you. Since DH is chronically unable to help in the ways you need, can you lean more on the in-laws and friends’ parents to help with some of the transport stuff to give you more time to complete other necessities?
Text me anytime you just need to vent!
Well you do have a lot on your plate, and maybe you are more of an introvert and need more “recharge” time than other people who seem to handle “so much more” with ease.
Don’t be hard on yourself. I find that the change of seasons always makes things feel a little bit harder, too.