Today was a hard day. I felt out of sorts all morning. Just down in the dumps. My kids were pretty well-behaved (given the circumstances), but I kept getting frustrated at them. Everyone at the staff meeting looked so tired and stressed. My friends were struggling at home alone with their kids. My husband kept reading me shitty headlines.
At 7pm I took my regular martial arts class, except I was in our living room instead of the dojo. I miss the dojo so much, and as I tried to lose myself in my class, while my kids called each other names in the neighboring room, I lost it. I just started sobbing. I miss my old life so much. I miss my parents and my friends. I miss my work, and my students. I miss time away from my kids. I miss the dojo and all the people I cherish there. I miss having something that is only for me.
It was the first time I’ve cried for what I miss, for what I’ve lost. I don’t think I let myself realize that I’m mourning my old life – this is just a hiatus after all – it’s not gone for good. But it’s gone now, and I’ll never get these months back. I’ll never get that innocence back, the innocence of a woman who didn’t know she could effectively lose almost everything.
I’ve cried for my future, out of uncertainty and fear. But I haven’t cried yet out of sadness for what we’re going through. Now that I’ve started, I don’t think I’ll stop for a little while.
directly quoted from Mike Papciak A zen based body work professional in the Berkeley area. Hope this makes everyone feel better about the times of being upset/scared/anxious through this event. I had a real low on Monday morning at about 2a..m. This is real it is scary. I actually hit a grocery store at about 6:30 this morning (senior hour thing, found most of what I needed, limited quantities, everyone being VERY social distanced, super focused dirty hand/clean hand & sanitation after). Hold on. We are all together and THANK YOU for honesty.
YES, cry, yes admit the fear. Here are his words: complete quote
“OUR FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY
As many of you have said: we are scared. (And uncertain about so much. And sad.)
You’re not doing this wrong.
Your Inner Animal is doing its job! Fear is a healthy response from an intelligent system to a situation like the one we’re in. Most of the time, we try to avoid or get rid of our fear, because we think we shouldn’t feel it — it’s not helpful, it’s not brave, etc etc — or because it’s painful to feel it. Like an annoying housemate who’s not moving out any time soon, we will never not have fear, or uncertainty, in our lives. So it’s good to practice living alongside these feelings instead of thinking it’s wrong when they approach. Here’s something simple and portable that you can do:
Next time you notice fear, quietly tap the insides of your wrists together for 30-60 seconds and say, over and over, ideally out loud — or to yourself, if out loud is just too embarrassing — something like:
“I feel scared, and I’m safe in this moment.”
“I feel scared, and I accept that I feel scared.”
“I feel scared, and I don’t have to fix anything.”
“I feel scared, and I trust myself to handle it.”
“I feel scared, and I love myself anyway.”
This is a way of stopping the “should” battle inside you — the notion that you shouldn’t be afraid, or at least not as much as you are, or just not right now. It’s not that the fear goes away entirely. It’s not that it won’t come back again later. But you’re taking some its fire and pungency away. The example above is the tip of an iceberg called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), if you want to look it up. It’s a well-known therapeutic tool. In my own language, I would say it works so well because it couples a physical stimulus (tapping the wrists together) with pyschoemotional support (the stuff you say or think while you tap). It’s a way of helping your entire organism let the fear coexist alongside you, without overwhelming you.
Here’s another suggestion, from the American Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield. He was recently called to address a large number of Chinese citizens in quarantine, and he said to them: Everyone’s scared… so be polite.
Be polite. I like that! We’ll do this imperfectly, of course, but what a noble and lovely practice. Jack even said: be extra polite! See what this does to your fear, and others’.
MIKE RECOMMENDS
Sobbing. Lol. But really! This is something that many of us haven’t done since childhood. Especially us men, many of whom were shamed around crying and other emotional expression. But sobbing is one of the best things you can do to shed trauma as it accumulates in your system. (And yes: this situation is trauma. Like so many things about the human organism, trauma is not black and white, yes or no, you have it or you don’t — trauma exists on a spectrum of severity. You don’t have to take my word for it: ask your doctor or your mental health professional.)
Mike’s Sobbing Instructions:
1) If you can, lie down on your side. Or get in the shower (but don’t slip!).
2) Let it come, and let it go.
3) Notice and enjoy how much better you feel.
4) Repeat as needed!
Two things might make a sobbing practice seem more approachable to you. First, sobbing episodes are often very brief. (If you sob for a long time, no problem! That’s just more medicine.) Your body knows what it needs, and often your body needs just a few seconds of release in any given moment. (You can sob more later!) Also: sobbing is often a dry experience with no tears, or sometimes just a few. Your body wants to shake.
The shaking is the heart of it. Let’s call that the difference between sobbing and weeping. Ain’t nothing wrong with prolonged, gentle crying — it would probably be a better world if we all did more of that, too. But the physical shaking that comes with sobbing allows your nervous system to drop some of the trauma. This is the same mechanism that many mammals use. For example, an antelope, if it survives an attack by a lion, retreats to a safe place, then spends a minute or so (literally) shaking off trauma before going on about its life.
Laughter works via the same mechanism, and is another useful tool. Remember: it’s the shaking.”
Hope this helps someone …….. No one is alone in this grief and fear and loss.
HUGS!!!