The guy I rear ended last week filed a claim. I got the email on Friday.
I spent over an hour on hold Friday evening trying to talk to someone about it, but eventually I gave up and hung up. 10 minutes later I missed a call from the claims department.
I was so frustrated.
And so mad at myself for making such a stupid mistake that is probably going to cost us a ton of money even though very little damage was done.
I’m still trying to forgive myself but I’m doing a horrible job of it. I got a hold of an insurance agent via email and she explained that if the cost of the repairs is under $1000, our premiums won’t go up. (I will obviously forgo adding our car’s repairs to the claim if that keeps our total under $1000, but if his repairs cost that much I might as well get our car fixed.) If our insurance pays out more than $1000, our premiums will go up $3000 over six years, so about $500 a year. It makes me so mad.
There are few things I beat myself up more about that making dumb mistakes that waste money. And as an ADHD adult who loses shit and forgets shit constantly, I do a fair amount of dumb shit that wastes money.
I STILL beat myself up about not starting my life insurance policy after I had my first kid, when I could have said that I hadn’t taken any medication in the past year, because I hadn’t! Instead I bought the policy three months after I started taking my ADHD meds again, which meant my policy would cost $25K more than it would have otherwise. I had no idea my ADHD meds would make my life insurance policy so much more expensive. I am so mad at myself for not figuring that out in time to make a more informed choice.
That happened 10 years ago and I’m STILL get fuming mad about it if I let myself.
So my question is, how do you forgive yourself when you do something dumb that costs you money? How do you learn the lesson and let it go? Because I can’t seem to manage it. A part of me feels like I should use this relatively minor monetary loss to help myself practice self-compassion and forgiveness under these circumstances. No one was hurt and the damage was as minimal as it could have been; it’s a perfect opportunity to practice learning the lesson (be more alert while driving) and let it go.
But I’m really struggling. I’m stewing in the fumes of the life insurance decision and iPhone I ran through the laundry and the iPad I left on the bus in Mexico and all the other dumb mistakes I’ve made that cost me money.
If anyone has any words of wisdom, I’d really love to hear them.
No advice but I’m very similar and it actually helps me to hear that these types of things happen to others too . I still stew about a bad real estate decision made 15 years ago and many more minor money wasting examples. I’ve come to terms with the overdue library fines by reframing them as a donation to the local Council but generally I find it hard to let these sort of things go.
Oh man, real estate is the worst because the mistakes can cost $$$. I have quite a few real estate regrets. Boo!
As an adult with ADHD who also sometimes can’t believe the stuff I have done, the only thing that really helps me is to imagine consoling a friend who has done these things. We tend to be much kinder to others than ourselves. Also, remind yourself of the things you do well. I may lose stuff, for example, but I always remember to pick my kids up from school.
My heart goes out to you. It’s tough to be so smart, and yet not believe some of the stuff I do.
I find it ludicrous that we pay for insurance in case an accident happens and then when it happens they charge you so much more. It’s a racket in my opinion.
Oh yeah. It’s an egregious racket. Totally ridiculous.
Try to be more compassionate with yourself, like ABC mentioned. So you made mistakes that cost you money? We all do, even those without ADHD! Also there are probably a lot of things you end up saving yourself money on that you don’t give yourself credit for. My husband has ADD and the hyperfocus part of his ADD has resulted in huge cost savings because he will fix anything and DIYs a lot just because he can’t let it go ha! It’s all a wash in the end. Just try to remember that. You’re doing a great job.
I absolutely know that people without ADHD make mistakes too! I just feel like I make MORE because of my ADHD (and I watched my dad make WAY more than my mom growing up, because of his ADHD). I wonder if my ADHD has saved us money. I doubt it, but maybe?
This really hits home with me. I’ve never been diagnosed with ADD but struggle a lot with losing things and making mistakes. I got into a fairly major accident last year when I ran a red light and someone ran into me. I have no excuse, I thought I was paying attention. Thankfully, no one was hurt but our car insurance dropped us after my accident because my husband had gotten into an accident earlier in the year (not his fault). Our insurance now is much more expensive.
I try hard to let it go and think of these as sunk costs but truthfully, it’s very difficult. So solidarity and remember, these mistakes do not define you.
I’m so sorry that happened. When I read things like this I think, “But for the grace of god go I!” because I know it could absolutely happen to me.
Remembering that these mistakes do not define me is important. Thank you for that.
What do you want your children to know about mistakes? Everyone makes them … everyone. I do not think you want your children to beat themselves up and self-punish endlessly. I do not think you want your children to feel compelled to lie to avoid any kind of beating from your or spouse. I do not think you want your children to live their lives with constant fear, to be scared/paniced/cringing from a beating if a drop of milk spills on the floor.
I think you want them to clean up the milk themselves, in an appropriate effective fashion. You want them to be problem solvers not shamed/fearful/hiding.
How do children learn to respond to mistakes? I think from seeing how their parents react to the child’s errors AND how the parent’s errors/mistakes.
So when the kid spills the milk I try to not get excited and yell or shame or blame, I say. “Uh oh! How do we fix that!” Then we do the clean up and say “OK, fixed. How can we avoid that in the future.” No physical or emotional abuse involved.
Same holds true re the cars and insurance. “How do we fix that.” “How can I avoid that error in the future.” NO ABUSE OF SELF!!!!!!!! You do not want your child to self abuse so ….. . Name it as self abuse, carry the consequences…. Broke the car, now I can’t do or go or buy whatever because the money is gone. AND MOVE FORWARD.
Takes practice to relearn how to respond but it is worth the work.
I hate seeing children cringe in fear of their parent’s reaction… their parent that they love and who usually loves them.
Break the pattern for your kids.
You earned the money, you had a plan to spend or save it, now you need to adjust your plan. Self abuse is bad for your kids to see and learn to do. So practice forgiving yourself outloud everytime the abusive thoughts come up “Yupe, did that, paying for it, not doing it again. Lesson learned. (enumerate lesson if need be.) Move forward.” Deep careful breathing, in and out slowly, helps. Also asking who is helped by you self-abusing over a non-fatal mistake/error/accident? Because self-abuse in response hurts your children. Which of your parents modeled it for you?
I feel so wordy in this response. Wish I had your writing ability.
Lovely. I will take this heart as a huge self-beater-upper.
Does stewing over it and kicking yourself for it days/weeks/months/later help anything? Nope.
Would you want any of your friends/loved ones to talk to themselves the way you’re speaking to yourself in these situations? Nope.
Just keep reminding yourself that mistakes happen and holding onto that anger helps no one – least of all yourself! It truly is the time to give yourself some grace!
Concise and clearer than I was. THANK YOU for the example of how to do it!
Our last au pair quit and we left the program (hopefully forever) exactly 3 days after my husband paid the $10,000 agency bill without discussing it with me first (I thought she might quit, and would have told him to hold off for a few days). For some reason, he was allergic to paying in installments, so it could have just been 1/2 of that. I still find that annoying.
Car accidents happen. That’s why they are called accidents. This is why we carry insurance. $3000 over several years is small, and you can afford it, even if it is annoying. Be happy he’s not suing you.
I joined my company around the time it started offering an employee share ownership plan… for every $1 you contributed (through payroll deductions), the company chipped in 50 cents, and you could take the dividends as cash, invest them or just reinvest them in more shares. We were fairly newly married and broke, and while I did join the (defined benefit) pension plan (an increasing rarity these days), we just couldn’t afford to have me join the ESOP then too. My dh joined the same company several years later and joined almost right away, but I don’t think I started until I’d been there well over 10 years, maybe 15. By then, we could afford to have me do it, but, inertia… I didn’t do it for a long time after we reached the point that it was do-able.
Meanwhile, the stock split and grew in value. At one point, the staff magazine I worked for did an article about how if you had joined the plan from the beginning, contributed the maximum and never sold a share, THIS is how much you would have now. (And there were lots of people for whom that did apply!) (I don’t remember the figure now, but it was pretty impressive!) I still feel sick about it sometimes. I try to tell myself we did the best we could within the means we had at the time. We’re both retired now — continued to contribute right up until we left, and still haven’t sold any of our shares — and they are certainly a big part of our retirement savings. But sometimes I still find myself thinking just how much bigger that nest egg could have been….!
(Whenever younger kids joined our department, I would always tell them to take it from me — (a) join the pension plan and (b) join the ESOP, as soon as they were eligible!)