How to Save on a Holiday Calendar in 27 Steps

STEP 1: Learn of great Black Friday deals at your friendly neighborhood internet picture-present maker.

STEP 2: Determine you can, despite all odds, pull together a calendar in 48 hours.

{STEP 2.5: Wonder when you’re going to fucking remember to have this calendar shit ready before Thanksgiving!!!}

STEP 3: Remember that you haven’t moved photos from your phone to your camera in HELLA DAYS (actually, almost a year).

STEP 4: Try to sync phone to computer, only to be advised that the OS update you recently preformed on your phone (so your reader would stop crashing) has rendered your phone incompatible with iTunes because your iTunes is out of date. Try to update iTunes only to be advised that the operating system on your computer is so old it can’t support the latest version of iTunes. Remember that your currently running 10.6.8, while the newest OS is 10.11.1. Freak out that your are almost FIVE FULL VERSIONS BEHIND.

STEP 5: Curse a lot. Throw shit. Curse some more.

STEP 6: Ask your husband for help.

STEP 7: Feel wave of relief when you realize yours is quite literally the oldest OS that can still be updated to El Capitan. Start downloading software.

STEP 8: Wait HELLA DAYS (actually 45 minutes). Grade papers. Watch shitty TV.

STEP 9: Let computer restart.

STEP 10: Wait HELLA DAYS (actually 24 minutes). Grade more papers. Eat leftover brie. Tell husband he isn’t getting any tonight. (Sorry honey!)

STEP 11: Feel immense wave of relief when computer actually seems to be working. Try to open Photos. Let Photos update its library.

STEP 12: Wait HELLA DAYS (actually… well I’m not sure, I went to bed.)

STEP 13: Go the fuck to sleep at 1:30am.

STEP 14. Wake up and see if Photos is working. It is! Hurrah! Try to connect phone. Find it is not recognized, then is recognize but photos aren’t downloading. Browse many support forums. Curse the useless piece of software that is Photos. Eventually give up and use Image Capture.

STEP 15: Transfer 4,563 photos.

STEP 16: Wait HELLA DAYS (actually 15 minutes). Make pancakes. Almost burn pancakes multiple times as you check progress of transfer.

STEP 17: Start culling 4,563 photos for best shots. Realize this is going to take a while. Parent your children all day.

STEP 18: Continue culling 4,563 photos on the elliptical. Remember how little your son looked a year ago. Marvel at how much attitude your five-year-old daughter exudes.

STEP 19: Upload 216 best shots of 2015 to friendly neighborhood internet picture-present maker. Tell yourself you can totally put together this calendar in two hours. Ask husband to make the cashew milk.

STEP 20: Make calendar.

STEP 21: Preview calendar.

STEP 22: Order calendar for self, both sets of grandparents and sister-in-law with 13 minutes to spare. Save $70.

STEP 23: Finish making cashew milk (Why can’t husband manage this?! It’s not that hard!)

STEP 24: Realize you forgot to write something and missed your first daily post of NaBloPoMo on the penultimate day.

STEP 25: Put one up an hour late, because no one’s counting and no one cares.

STEP 26: Go the fuck to sleep.

STEP 27: Hope you didn’t forget anyone important’s birthday.