Well I guess it wouldn’t be a proper Thanksgiving if I weren’t crying on my bed, grappling with how to manage everyone else’s emotions when I’m totally unable to determine what is even reasonable anymore.
My mom causally mentioned in a text today that she “has a little cold. No biggie.” Ha! No biggie! She’s was traveling for a week, seeing tons of people unmasked, and in doors in crowded public places. She was on planes and in airports. And now, five days after coming home, she has a cold. But don’t worry. It’s no biggie.
My husband is… probably furious. It’s hard to read him these days. “We’re so close! We’re almost at the finish line.” If he weren’t getting 48 hours of alone time out of this encounter we probably would be cancelling on my parents the morning of Thanksgiving.
But we have rapid tests. We have a lot of them. And I feel like that has to matter. If my mom takes a rapid test and it’s negative, we can feel pretty good about things. I’ll have her keep taking rapid tests every day while we’re there so we can leave at the end of the weekend feeling fairly confident that we weren’t exposed. I know they don’t provide 100% reliable results, but nothing is 100% reliable, especially not when pandemic related.
We have been cautious, more cautious than most of our friends. My husband has not socialized in public because when weighing the risk of any given outing against the possibility of bringing covid home to our kids, it always made sense to avoid that specific risk. But what’s harder to measure is the cumulative toll of missing ALL the opportunities for meaningful connection. He’s miserable now not because he declined to participate in any one public outing, but because he declined all of them.
My daughter’s friends’ parents decided the exposure of indoor, maskless gatherings with selected friends was worth the risk not because any one specific event felt that important, but because the meaningful connection provided by being able to visit with friends indoors was worth the risk of possible exposure for them.
Considering the risk-benefit analysis of each possible opportunity for exposure separately, with no regard for the cumulative effects of those decisions, is to only acknowledge one aspect of well-being. Preventing possible exposure at all costs, because no individual circumstance seems to warrant possible exposure, can be a refusal to recognize the benefits of meaningful connection. This is why I spend the weekend in a hotel room with my friends, but order in instead of eating at a restaurant.
In three weeks our children will be fully vaccinated and we think we’ll feel ready to start prioritizing their mental and emotional well-being. But I have a feeling it will be a lot more complicated. As the time lengthens after their final shot, and we start wondering about waning immunity, will we remember the lessons we’ve hopefully learned? As a society will we be able, at some point, to recognize that asking kids to remain masked all day at school is no longer reasonable?
Happy Thanksgiving. I’m grateful to be able to consider these questions, even though it’s not always easy. I hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving is able to do so today in way that feels safe and meaningful.
UPDATE: My mom is being salty about taking a rapid test and my husband doesn’t think a negative rapid test is sufficient. Literally no one is happy! And this is what my life has been like for almost two years. No wonder I can’t determine what is reasonable anymore.
UPDATED UPDATE: My parents took the rapid tests while we hiked in a nearby park. Both came back negative. She will be taking more tests for me but she doesn’t know it yet (and I’m not bringing it up today). My husband isn’t acting upset anymore. It may just be a pleasant day. Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.
Let me help. Rapid test for your mom now and in the days to follow, or you don’t go. It’s just basic respect, no matter what your views on socializing/isolating are. If she won’t get and you don’t go, and your husband’s alone time is an issue, take the kids to a cheap hotel room for a couple of days. There 🙂
Happy Thanksgiving!
This is what at home tests are for. They test to see if you are infectious and a danger to others. She should take one every day. It’s fine. You can go safely if she tests. I’m not sure why your husband is furious. People get colds. People get exposed. It’s unreasonable to expect otherwise.
Exactly this.
We requested rapid tests for thanksgiving due to a variety of things. A couple people were salty but they did it. And that was good enough for me because OMFG it’s been almost two years. Your husband needs to compromise too. Again two fing years. I am cautious (and highly informed due to my job) and I STRONGLY support you asserting yourself here. I know I don’t know you in real life but feel free to email if you need extra support today. I’m sorry this is happening.
I think your husband is right
https://amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/620783/
From that article:
Even when they’re perfectly deployed, tests can detect bits of the virus only at the moment a sample is taken. Testing “negative” for the virus isn’t some sort of permanent identity; it doesn’t even guarantee that the pathogen isn’t there. Viruses are always multiplying, and a test that can’t find the virus in someone’s nose in the morning might pick it up come afternoon. People can also contract the virus between the tests they take, making a negative, then a positive, another totally plausible scenario. That means a test that’s taken two days before a Thanksgiving gathering won’t have any bearing on a person’s status during the event itself. “People want tests to be prospective,” Gigi Kwik Gronvall, a senior scholar at the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security, told me. “None are.”
Rapid tests aren’t perfect but they are very good in symptomatic people when used on the day you see them. If you test today and see them today your risk of a false negative is fairly low. Same for tomorrow. I’m personally over trying to keep my family’s risk to zero and it is extremely valid for to be willing to take on some risk for family on a holiday. You can make a different choice for yourself but it doesn’t mean her husband is “right”.
I think you are misunderstanding the purpose of the test. The purpose isn’t to figure out if her mom has the virus, but to figure out whether she is infectious at the moment she takes it. The tests are good for the latter, but not the former.
There is a super nasty flu in this area. If it is a cold mom should be improving in 3-4 days. If she isn’t she may need antibiotics. Yes experience speaking. And I am super careful with avoiding people. Double masking. Washing boosters etc.
Fingers crossed 4 all of you!
Uff da, I’m sorry I’m just reading this, K. At some point your husband needs to start compromising. It’s been almost 2 f*ing years and as you said, it’s clear that his zero tolerance stance is 100% affecting the mental & emotional health & wellbeing of you and your children at this point. I hope you used the rapid tests for peace of mind and were able to enjoy the time with extended family as intended. We have GOT to start prioritizing that again. My husband’s cousin just committed suicide last week because she couldn’t handle the isolation anymore (43 and divorced without kids and working remotely since COVID – the lack of human interaction was finally too much for her). We have swung way too far the other way in people’s concerns to have zero risk. Nearly everyone age 5+ has the opportunity to be fully vaccinated at this point, and COVID, colds, flu, etc. ALL are going to continue to happen for the rest of time. We’ve got to return to a place of balance.