I’m feeling frustrated by things at home this week, about expectations, that are placed on me. That I place on myself. I’m always struggling to know which are which, but it’s hard. Probably impossible. And when I try to talk to my husband about it I just get shut down.
Now is not a good time.
I’m not going to do this right now.
I ask when, but I don’t get an answer.
And I realize that really I just want to be seen. I need to be seen. I need all the shit I do to be acknowledged. Because surely if he saw it all, he would never balk at my request for extended time at the dojo. Or a couple hours to go on a run. If he had to sit in the traffic I sit in just one afternoon, to take our daughter to swimming. If he really stopped to think how much time it takes to do all the laundry. Or shake out all the rugs. Or clean out and wipe down the compost bin, and the recycle bin, and the cats boxes. To wipe down the bathroom sinks and the kitchen sink and the laundry sink. The microwave. And toaster oven. The stove top. The dish rack when it gets so gross in the spot where the water pools.
If he really saw it. If he really saw me. Surely he’d feel differently. And then he’s act differently. And then I’d feel differently.
Or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe I just need to skip to the feeling differently without him doing making any changes. Maybe I just need ask for what I need – demand it – and let him feel however that makes him feel.
Maybe that is the answer.
Hi– I only started reading a few months ago (I think) and this is the first time I am commenting, so I’ll start with a little bit of an introduction so this doesn’t feel like it’s coming out of left field. 🙂 I’m a mom, in my late 40s, with three teenagers/college students. I also have a busy job, and live in a major West Coast city (Seattle).
There’s something that struck me about this post– enough to comment, even– although I am not sure what. I think it’s that you are expressing a need for validation, or fairness, before you can take what you need for yourself. I’m also the “house person”; even in working an exec level job at a major tech company I am the person who keeps the household running. It took me a long time to realize that 1) my receptive love language is acts of service and 2) that’s just not how my husband operates. He does contribute equally, but he never looks at the food in the fridge and says something like “great job ordering groceries, planning meals, and cooking this week!”.
If I had to give $.02 of free advice, and take it or leave it as you will: control what you can control. Maybe your need for validation could be met internally (look at everything that I accomplished today!). Maybe you just need to state that you are going to go exercise without feeling like you have to have a tit-for-tat negotiation as you said on a previous post. Maybe you need to have your kids drop some activities. Maybe you just need to change your perspective and think of things as “this is the season of life we are in now and this, too, shall pass”. But look at what *you* can control and change and do that first.
Wishing you all the best.
((HUGS))
Not sure what the right answer is for you and your marriage, but you DESERVE to be seen and appreciated for you and for all you do. The unseen/unacknowledged mental load shit (and never ending taking care of household shit) that most of the time the women do is SO.DAMN.EXHAUSTING. I honestly have so many friends who have gotten divorced in the past few years — and often times the end result wasn’t really a change in how much work they had to do b/c they had already shouldered so much of it, and then on dad’s day for custody at least they finally get a break and some “me time.” Sad that it sometimes takes divorce for people to get that.
Beautifully written post, but it makes my heart hurt because I *SO* understand what you’re feeling. Hang in there. Demand to be seen. You deserve it.
I’m so sorry. I do think that just asking and seeing where the chips sounds like a good start. I don’t know if therapy is something you have considered together but maybe it would be helpful? A 3rd party might be able to get him to see some things with more objectivity . . .
You are amazing and accomplish amazing quantities of work and chores and love.
The problem for a partner who cannot do the equivalent lift is in seeing what their partner lifts…. the comparison is exposed and it is not what people want to see. He IS stepping up a LOT more than before. You have said he is simply different from you. Maybe rather than demand being seen you simply say this is what I need right now but I do not know if this would work or what would happen. I find marriages very confusing and complex and that continues as marriages hit VERY LONG anniversaries.
Best wishes to you! School out is getting closer and closer…. Virtual hugs to you!
Giving you his and thanking you for being vulnerable. I had similar struggles years back with my partner. I was apparently awesome at silent treatment and though partner can read my mind and thus anticipate my needs. He couldn’t/still can’t.
Now I write lists- clear, concise lists. These are the things we need to do. Pick a couple, pick them all. I feel a visual reminder is great- for him and even for me.
I have no advice but I can empathize. I felt that way for my entire marriage. My husband died last year and now I have a boyfriend who genuinely wants to hear about my day, my struggles my issues- and will offer suggestions. It’s a whole different world! And, I know I sometimes still try to do it all because I’m used to HAVING to (he is also- it’s a work in progress). But, not having to solve everything on my own does take an amazing weight off- if I had to do it again I’d try that with may y late husband. As it is, the boyfriend is just a different world. This week I got a flat tire after going to urgent care. I texted him to say I was out of urgent care, but had a flat. Instead of blowing me off or telling me to figure it out, and blaming me for the flat me for the flat (husband would have) he said “Oh shit. On my way.” There was no blame, there was no figure it out, there was just my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me, and making sure I was safe. We all deserve that in my opinion and after living otherwise for over 20 years all I can say is keep up the fight.