My mood has been murky lately. I’ve stopped reading the news because the headlines are not helping. I’m trying to spend the time I used lurk on the NYT or WaPo apps reading real books and I’m kind of succeeding. And it’s kind of helping.
I can’t really figure out how I feel. It’s frustrating, but I’ve learned to fight it less and just ride with it. Eventually things will sort themselves out and, inexplicably, I will feel better again. Things will be clearer, and will make more sense; I can’t fathom how in this moment, but I can trust past experience enough to know that it’s true. It’s nice to recognize that I’ve actually learned from all the hard shit in my life. Or at least some of it. I am better equipped to deal with my specific brand of hard, and I really appreciate that. At least it wasn’t all for nothing.
I have been worried that my history of mental health struggles would put me at greater risk for increased mental health struggles during perimenopause. Maybe my moods will fluctuate more enthusiastically, but I will also be better prepared to manage the enthusiasm. Maybe it ends up in a wash.
Today I was in a real funk, and I hadn’t really planned out when I was going to work (this is proof positive of what a funk I was in – I ALWAYS plan when I’m going to fit in my work out), so I ended up having to start at 9pm. It sucked and was really hard, but in the end I felt so much better for it. I put on one of the PiYo videos I was doing during the really early days of the pandemic (I found a old DVD set I bought on Craigslist years before, and just went for it) and it was like visiting an old friend. Is that weird? pathetic? It’s not like I love the banter or the music or anything (the music is pretty shit) but my body recognized the movements and it put me in a better mood.
Can’t argue with that, really, so I’m not going to.
The fog in the mornings has been beautiful. Just breathtaking. Some days I get off at random exits chasing a shot that I can never capture. It’s so frustrating that this image is so elusive, this rendering that does justice to the majesty of the fog sitting in the narrow valley of the reservoir, a rendering I will never possess. I try to just appreciate it in the moment, but it’s hard to let go of the compulsion to just get the one shot that would… make it worth it? Be an adequate tribute? I think I’m always trying to capture moments because I know how little I will remember. But when the image never materializes I tinge the beautify of it in frustration.
What a perfect metaphor for life…
Even if I never get the perfect shot, I know I’ll always remember how much I LOVE the mountains and lake I pass by every day. I couldn’t ask for a more beautiful commute – I actively appreciate it almost every morning. And I guess that is something.
I have 2.5 more weeks before the time changes, and then I’m driving to work in the dark. Right now I’m hitting the most beautiful stretch right when the sun comes up and the light is just beautiful. Every morning I get excited to see how the mountains will look. I feel like these last weeks of Daylight Savings Time are a gift.
Having said that I am so ready for winter. I don’t know what it is, but I am just so ready to leave the heat waves behind and embrace the crisp, chilly air. Winter is coming and I am here for it.
I hope you’re all having a good week.
Not gonna lie, I got the iPhone13 pro, and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt like my camera sometimes actually captures the beauty of what I’m looking at with my naked eye. Check it out! I turned in my old phone and got $1,000 credit towards it as well, so it was super reasonably priced.
Hang in there, my friend!
Those pictures are pretty great! Have you tried catching it on video? Something to watch and find a moment of peace in hard days to come?
LOVE YOUR PICTURES OF Bay Area. I see and my memory expands the magic images. Thank you.
About the ups and downs …. hormones involved very likely. Even after achieving steady state most of the time (when post menopausal) there are still hormones happening in your body and they sometimes shift. And unexpectedly. Always remember it will get better. Hold on. You are not alone or weird, be patient with your body.
Huge support hugs! Hormonal disruptions are simply hard.
I have tried to capture that same area or what looks a whole lot like that same area when the fog is rolling in too and can never capture it either. It’s absolutely gorgeous.
Been feeling the murky muddy unexplainable feelings a lot these weeks too. I’ve been hard pressed to practice what I’ve discussed with my therapist, sitting with the feelings and letting them be, but it eventually helps a bit if I do manage it. I hope to get better at relaxing when it comes on and trusting it’ll be ok.