On my last an earlier post (yes, it took me 1.5 weeks to finish this) Annie asked,
I was wondering, in what way are you a selective eater? In my understanding selective eaters have very limited diets (like 10-15 items). You’ve mentioned burritos a few times (which my picky eater and selective eater would never ever eat) and also going to a restaurant so I never thought you were a selective eater. Or were you describing something else?
Ah Annie, what a can of worms you have asked me to open. At least it feels like a can of worms. A giant, disgusting can of wriggly, jiggly worms.
When I was a kid, my “picky eater” bone fides were unmatched. I was the pickiest of picky eaters. I only ate plain rice. And plain noodles with salt (I LOVED them cold, straight out of the fridge). Also mac n cheese and a very specific kind of chicken (white chicken breast meat). I liked cheese and peanut butter and jelly. I remember my dad used to order me a “burrito” at this one place that was basically just a giant tortilla filled with melted cheese. It was a cheese log. It must have weighed a full pound and contained 2,000 calories. I wonder now how much they charged my dad for it. Surely not enough.
I got endless shit for my picky eating. My extended family will STILL give me a hard time about it, even today. It was absolutely a point of extreme shame, and probably contributed to my decade of disordered eating. I was forced to eat a small selection of vegetables, and I had to finish them when they were on my plate, no matter how many times I gagged trying to get them down. My dad would get SO MAD when I gagged. It was horrible. To this day I don’t want to participate in family dinners, and we largely do not eat together in part because of how much I hate it.
I’m better now, but I’m still selective. I don’t like most fruits. I’ll eat apples and oranges and blueberries but that is about it. There are a fair number of vegetables I will eat, but there are none I ever really WANT to eat (except maybe arugula). Veggies I like include: broccoli, green beans, peas, spinach, carrots, tomatoes, onions, peppers (any color), squash, lettuce, cabbage, zucchini, arugula, leeks, and kale (only very grudgingly). I really do not like mushrooms (I have retried them many times lately and I just can’t get into them), eggplant, bok choi, fennel and probably anything else I didn’t mention in the first list (I probably can’t even think to mention that I don’t like them, because I forget they even exist). I also don’t really like shell fish, but I do like scallops and I LOVE sushi (but can’t really afford it).
When I go out to eat there are usually only a few things I am not interested in trying (because of mushrooms probably), and there are always PLENTY of things I want to eat. I am also fine eating around stuff when possible, but I don’t usually have to do this because like I said, there are always plenty of dishes I am interested in. I have NEVER been to a restaurant that did not have a dish I was excited to try, and I’ve been to a lot of restaurants all over the world.
I “like” all of those veggies in that I will eat them. I even enjoy them in many meals. But I’m not the kind of person who is just really in the mood for a salad and then puts a bunch of veggies in a bowl to eat one. The only kind of salad I would ever order is a Thai peanut salad. And while I’m totally fine with most of the food my husband makes with the CSA box veggies (because he has learned how to make things that I like), there are some things I bristle at (like how kale ends up in EVERYTHING this time of year. Yuck.) So yeah, I’m not picky like the PE teacher at my school who will not eat anything green (she is literally the only person I can think of who is openly pickier than I am). But there are TONS of food I’m not going to eat (please see the three items on my “fruit” list).
My kids are following in my footsteps. And I am not forcing them to eat things they don’t like because they will gag (sometimes until they vomit) and I obviously cannot participate in that (see my traumatic gagging history above). I also feel confident that they will eventually learn to like more things because the world is hard to live in when you are only willing to eat ten items.
The only way we “push” them is that we say they have to have ten things on their “list” but again, a “thing” can be cereal with milk (and right now granola with yogurt is a SEPARATE item for my son so we can approach 10 items). So when they start “not really liking that anymore” and refusing it would bring them under the 10 item limit, they just aren’t allowed to refuse it. Right now my daughter does not want to eat grilled cheese but she has to because she can’t add anything to her list in its place. Ditto for hamburgers for my son (which he only has to eat if we go to In-n-Out which is one of only two restaurants we ever take them to).
So that is where we’re all at in our selective eating journeys. It sucks to be a selective eater. I wish VERY MUCH that my kids were following in their dad’s footsteps instead of my own. But it is what it is and I honestly just can’t lose sleep over it because I worked WAY TOO HARD resolving my disordered eating to spend another decade mired in this shit with my kids. My kids already don’t want to finish the food we put in front of them, and I’ve spent the last ten years saying, “Can you please take another bite?” to them for 2-3 meals a day EVERY DAY. It’s exhausting. Sometimes when my husband and I go out to eat he’ll admonish me for starting at some kid who is just eating their dinner because they are hungry and they are being offered food. If my kids would just do that, I would be so, so happy. (I was a picky eater but I gobbled down the foods I like and asked for seconds. Getting me to just eat was not hard.)
So there it is. I am a great parent in many ways but healthy eating is not one of them. Luckily I’m okay with it, because at least they aren’t experiencing my disordered eating. For that I am forever grateful.
So interesting. I’m exactly the same way.
There’s a very narrow range of foods I will eat (plus I’m a vegetarian, which further limits me). And I have a bunch of extremely strong aversions to totally normal foods, meaning I feel like I’m going to throw up if I even look at them. And when I say totally normal foods, I mean things like mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup,bottled salad dressing, olives, canned soup…
This is really only a problem when I eat at other people’s houses because at home, I control what comes into the house. But, yeah, I’ve learned to work around my food issues, but they’re always lurking in the background.
Very interesting. Thank you for sharing. Do you have to manage anyone in your household’s feelings about your aversions? Does anyone find them to be excessive or inappropriate? Do they affect if/how/when you eat out?
I’m sure lots of people would find my aversions to be totally excessive and inappropriate, but I don’t generally advertise them and, honestly, I really don’t care what others think. Everyone has their quirks and this is mine.
I eat out all the time (or did pre-Covid) and it’s really pretty easy to manage — I just avoid looking at foods that trigger me.
I’m sure lots of people would find my aversions to be totally excessive and inappropriate, but I don’t generally advertise them and, honestly, I really don’t care what others think. Everyone has their quirks and this is mine
I eat out all the time (or did pre-Covid) and it’s really pretty easy to manage — I just avoid looking at foods that trigger me.
Thank you for answering. I didn’t mean to suggest it was excessive, just wondering what it’s like for you. My husband would be very intolerant of that behavior. So intolerant. And I was thinking of that when I asked.
So interesting. I would really encourage you to try and take away any sense of judgment or value you place on “adventurous vs picky” eating. Food is a good servant but a poor master, just like money. Have you ever heard of ARFID? My oldest has it and I take pride in the fact she has been able to maintain her growth curve and not need a feeding tube. Now we focus on helping her be able to navigate around social situations with food. She might look like a little brat who won’t eat what she is served to plenty of people but I’m incredibly proud of her for the work she does on this.
I wonder if you might enjoy two resources I found helpful. My favorite book that really helped me understand my daughter was “Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating”. Also we have an app called “Food Explorer” that we use in a really chill way with both kids- I never pressure either kid to try anything “until they are ready” but if they even feel up to licking something new I will put it in the app. We don’t even do prizes or anything, they just like to see the badges add up. Any way, I will wrap this up but as long as everyone is growing and reasonably healthy you are doing an amazing job. Food stuff is really hard.
Wow. My head is spinning. As a parent of two picky eaters ( a 3 year old who has a similar diet to you did as a kid and an 8 year older who eats slight more but not such that he could order anything other than a hamburger or pizza at a restaurant) this brings up a lot. I have so much shame around my kids’ eating. Both that they are picky and my inability to accept it. My older one does gag and it enrages me. My younger one doesn’t because there is no way he would ever put something in his mouth he didn’t want. He would just leave the table. I see kids ordering soup, lamb chops, tacos, etc at restaurants and I also stare at them. There is so much moralizing around food. I have not been able to break out of it. Neither my husband nor I are picky so I feel like my kids are picky because of something we did. Purées instead of BLW? Did we give them bagels or french fries too early? Should I get rid of all snack food which several friends and relatives have suggested? Or is the problem that I am too hard on them (especially my older — my younger’s eating is so limited that I’ve given up)? I should stop writing. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you are at a place where you can navigate the world. Oh and kale is gross. I only like it in soups. Raw kale is inedible.
Annie, I can relate to this so much! My daughter is very picky. She will only eat a small number of foods (none of them socially acceptable) and a small number of fruits and vegetables. Before I started residency she was such a good eater! I blame myself for hiring au pairs who were quite frankly uniformly very lazy with meal preparation who gave her junk (they would buy it and feed it to her) and only would prepare the easiest possible foods for her. IDK maybe it would have happened anyway. Daughter will also gag when she tries new stuff. Not always (I taught her if she chases it with water, she is less likely to gag), but it makes me so upset when she does, probably because I feel like a bad mother. She fell off her growth curve this past Fall which I attribute to eating WAAAAAAYYYY too much ice cream during the stay-at-home phase of the pandemic, and now she’s dried out again and didn’t gain much from last Fall to this Fall (new pediatrician, doesn’t have old records from previous years) so now we have to take her for a weight check in December. Fortunately husband takes her because I don’t think I’d be able to deal with the criticism, because yes, that is exactly how I interpret it. I 100% do NOT want her to be forced to a ton of drs appointments so she goes on to develop body issues. I so despised it when adults would try to cram food down my throat when I was a kid, I do not want her to go through a medicalized version of that.
I also agree that kale is revolting.
I’m fascinated by this. Not because of B’s feeding tube (for 5 years), but because of me. I only eat certain things as well but I never thought of myself as a selective eater.
As for the kids’ eating…We paid 4K to have B weaned through an online tube feed weaning program through Austria. They were happy with ANYTHING that any child ate. I was worried that B would only like Mac and cheese forever, and the head doctor said that she had a patient who was weaned on chocolate pudding and only ate that until she fell in love, and it was okay. When they came to America and I met them in person, they said that Americans put so much emphasis on shame with food. They said that it’s just food…not good or bad, and if people only eat certain things…who cares? I know that most people would gawk at this statement…but I think once you have a kid that truly won’t eat anything, it makes the perspective different. Now, you’d think I’d have no shame with my kids’ eating after that, right? Nope. I still feel like a piece of poo for not giving them veggies and the fact that their diets are kinda crappy and that my son is addicted to candy. So, what I’m trying to say is that….i have no idea what I’m saying and that it’s all too hard to think about, and can I live on chocolate from now on but I can’t because I became really fat doing that? Lol!
P.S. After so many years of monitoring B’s intake, I now purposely dont look at how much she’s eaten and I just go by the growth chart at the doctor.
It’s interesting that you say it’s an American thing because all I hear about how is in other countries (mostly France!) kids eat everything and in America they get kids meals and only like chicken nuggets and that Americans should care more! Or maybe that is just what they tell us? No idea.
I don’t know either! Maybe because there is so much pressure in America, the kids tend to be pickier? I don’t know. In their tube weaning program, I wasn’t allowed to judge my daughter’s eating, or tell her I was proud of her for eating or mad at her for not. It was hard since at 5 years-old, I had spent years trying to get her to put food in her mouth. They wanted me to remain completely detached from her eating so that she would intrinsically want to eat. I went to the beach nearly every day and had my mom watch her because it was so hard for me to not show her my emotions. She weaned eating only Mac and cheese and Lay’s chips. I’ve remained detached and her palate is quite large now!
Did you read the Eating Instinct? It’s about toxic food culture and explored from many different angles. The author’s daughter was on a tube after medical trauma and she writes about that and the weaning process. It sounds very challenging. I’m not someone who easily lets things go. She also writes about AFRID, recovering from weight loss surgery, class issues, and the obsession with clean eating. It’s a great book.
I haven’t read it but it sounds amazing. I have a lot of food issues myself (food addiction) and placing too much emphasis on clean foods and then binge eating. I’ll look it up right now!
It’s so interesting how we all approach food differently. I feel like my kids are “normal” kids who have plenty of things that they claim they “don’t like” (which oftentimes they’ve never even tried), but not excessively so. With that being said, there are plenty of nights my kids just don’t eat dinner. I make ONE meal for dinner (we eat dinner as a family probably 5x/week), and if they don’t like what I made, they have to sit there and talk with us about their days, but they get nothing else to eat beyond what I made for dinner. It used to make me worried that they’d somehow starve from missing a meal, but they just end up eating a big breakfast the next day and meh, it’s fine. I refuse to cater to their whininess about food or to eat the same foods over and over. Oftentimes they’ll end up trying a few bites of whatever I made anyway, and sometimes they’ll decide they like it or sometimes they just don’t eat dinner. Usually I’ll do a Hello Fresh meal or something “different” on M/W/F and then Tues/Thurs/Sat (or whatever) I’ll make plainer meals that they already like. Taco night, burgers, etc. They also have to eat school lunches (they’re free again this year in Colorado for all kids!) and that has helped a LOT with them being more adventurous eaters b/c Mom & Dad aren’t around and the peer pressure of their friends eating the school meals means they’ll try/eat most anything. Breakfasts I let them pick whatever they want (within reason), so cereal and fruit, bacon & eggs, bagel & cream cheese, whatever.
My kids would not eat the meal and then have a low blood sugar melt down before bed and another in the morning before breakfast. They can’t just skip a meal of they have serious behavioral issues. I know this because I try to stop badgering them about eating the foods they specifically like and then they eat nothing and then they lose their shit. They also don’t seem to make the connection (or care about the connection) between their refusal to eat and their melt downs. I just really don’t think, “they need to eat what we eat or not eat” works equally well for all kids.
For my family it has worked well to allow fruit and vegetables literally anytime. If you didn’t eat a lot of dinner no problem you can have an apple or whatever. My 3 year old still gets a glass of milk before bed. We have a biiiiggg afternoon snack after school but other than that try not to make snacks too fun. It works ok because my kids will both eat at least a couple fruits we have around at all times (protein is more of an issue). They can also have a PB sandwich in lieu of any meal and we always have something they really like with every meal. My approach is to try and gently guide them toward trying a reasonable structure around meals and food with as little control from me as possible since my daughter had a lot of anxiety around food to start with. I have tried hard to help her feel like we are on the same team and not make it a battle but also now that she is capable of eating more than plain pasta, trying to set her up to do that as often as she can while feeling like she’s making that choice. Don’t know if that makes sense but this is working reasonably well for my other more typical picky eater as well.
I totally didn’t mean to imply it would work for all people. I know a few people whose children have SPD (including our mutual friend) and I 100% know that’s a horribly challenging journey for the parents and kids! Was just explaining what we are doing for MY kids who aren’t terribly picky! They go through phases (loving chicken for a year and then hating it for a year, for example), and I guess my point was more that I’m not going to be a short order cook or modify every meal b/c that’s where I’ve drawn the line in our house. Like others have said, they’re always welcome to fruits & veggies.
I guess as far as meltdowns go, my son has horrid meltdowns ALL THE DAMN TIME lately, and it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with food or lack thereof (more exhaustion we think), so we’ve gotten to the point that if he melts, he goes to bed. We usually eat around 6pm and are in bed by 7:15 reading books anyway, so it’s not like there’s a ton of time for them to melt in the evenings, and in the morning they get up before me (6am usually) and go make their own breakfasts while I sleep/workout/whatever.
Again, not judging what others do – just writing about my own experience b/c I find it educational in parenting to hear about all of the different ways we all do things!
This is an example of a parenting discussion around feeding that makes me feel like absolute crap https://www.google.com/amp/s/slate.com/human-interest/2020/01/should-i-indulge-picky-eaters-care-and-feeding.amp My older son does not have any diagnosable issues that result in his pickiness so according to this I’m probably indulging him unnecessarily. But what should I do?!? People whose kids aren’t picky really don’t get it. They think that if you keep on serving broccoli eventually the kid will give in. But no matter how many times my son has taken a bite of, for example, chicken, he still won’t eat it willingly. He has probably been served chicken 750 times in his life. Not budging. (Obviously calling it disgusting is not acceptable)
I really do not think that people who don’t have truly picky eaters (or are picky eaters) understand what it is like. My parents did not “indulge” me and I didn’t grow out of it because they kept forcing stuff down my throat. I grew out of it when I was ready to grow out of it. My parents modeled very healthy eating (regular home cooked balanced meals) and they got me and my sister (who would eat anything and was constantly praised for doing so). It’s not about what parents do, and a lot of the strategies that work for most kids will just NEVER work for some.
My son did go to an eating specialist at Kaiser when he was a baby because he really struggle to swallow food. He would just push it out of his mouth, so they did some exercises to help him figure that out. I’ve contacted their “specialists” about my kids eating and they have actually been very validating. They absolutely recognize that some kids will not eat certain foods and their recommendation is also just to offer fruits and veggies along with at least one thing you know the kids will eat. They don’t even say I should just serve them something and tell them to eat it or be hungry. They know that some kids will always choose to go hungry. (I absolutely would have as a kid.)
To be honest though, we don’t generally offer our kids foods we want them to try because we know they won’t. My son won’t even try desserts he doesn’t think he would like. I’m not going to waste perishables putting them on his plate only to throw them away later. It’s not worth the effort on either end.
I spoke to one food specialist whose approach was the exact opposite of those that you spoke to and it really freaked me out. She said that her approach is to tell them they have to eat a few bites of whatever the main course and side is before they can eat a “snack food.” And slowly work up to a full serving. My younger son wouldn’t eat in that scenario. My older one would but would complain. A lot. Anyway, I’m really all over the place with my approach! I tried to let it go but then I panic or, my son eats something with his grandparents so I try to force him to eat it at home and he isn’t interested. I should stop babbling! I suppose the best way forward is for me to go to my own therapist about this because I feel so awful about it. I do not want my kids to fear eating with me as an adult so clearly I have some work to do.
Annie, I just want to say reading your comments tugs on my heart strings SO much. I have been on quite a journey with my daughter through her ARFID diagnosis and I’ve developed a crazy thick skin at this point. I truly don’t give a sh*t what anyone thinks about her eating any more and I think she knows that. My priority it my daughter’s health and our relationship and some days I had to repeat that mantra over and over. I have a lot of peace now and I truly hope you get to a good place too.
Thank you. I am glad you have found peace. I hope I can get there.
I also feel for you. It sucks and it’s hard. I know my husband struggles mightily. And I’m sure I would to if I didn’t bring SO MUCH BAGGAGE to the issue that I literally cannot take on anymore. I just can’t. I reached my quote on emotional trauma around this so long ago, I just got nothing left. But I’m sure it would bother me if I enjoyed a bunch of foods and wanted my kids to enjoy them too (and to eat healthily!) I think exploring your feelings around this with a professional would definitely help. It’s good to have an unbiased third party to talk to about this stuff.
“Thank you Mom. It is interesting.” Was a straight polite pass to not eating the food and being allowed a peanut butter and jam/jelly sandwich that they made themself. Both grew into tall healthy athletic adults. My grands have foods they prefer but both can eat from around the world based on what is available. Eldest grand and my second child both hit food expansions around 11, and began lots more kitchen food preparation exploration at same time.
Curious if your aversions are about sweet/sour/bitter/savory, textures, odors, spice, color, shape, allergic reactions … a misplaced learned lesson of “we don’t eat leaves off plants we encounter walking down the sidewalk”. (A horrified reaction to mixed spring greens lettuce exposed that information!) OR is there no clear theme identifiable today? As lactose intolerance and FODMAPS awareness increases it is pretty clear to me that many people ‘don’t like’ foods they associate with feeling rotten after eating…….
Thank you for a informative lesson today.
Thank you for sharing your eating journey. My oldest son is very picky (has a few things going on that contribute) and it’s been a source of stress until somewhat recently. We let go of what anybody thinks (including his doctor) and focus on what he will eat then pay attention when he starts trying other foods.
The judgement that goes with what kids eat is so rampant and I hate it. When it comes to being a good mom, I’m good in lots of areas. Many people would judge that I’m “bad” in the healthy eating are. And those people can suck it.
I have ADHD, and my kids both have ASD. All of us have minor to moderate sensory issues, mostly around clothing textures and food. Reframing our food triggers as sensory issues rather than pickiness has gone a long way to healing me. I feed all of us what we’re able to eat that day, making a reasonable effort to include most food groups. Stress definitely makes my eating issues worse. If I’m stressed, I try to be extra kind to myself by choosing relatively nutritious foods that don’t make me want to throw up 🙂 Thank you for starting this conversation. What a fascinating and loaded issue food can be.
Noemi — I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. I was a picky eater as a kid, and suffered through COUNTLESS adults (not my parents, thankfully) trying to cram food down my throat and coerce me to eat. Finally at the end of high school I started eating more stuff. No idea what caused that to happen, but it did, and now I will eat basically anything (though I still find some foods like cucumbers, and melon of any kind totally disgusting). My daughter is also picky and I blame myself for it, though I have tried really hard to just go with the flow on it like my mother did with me. Food is love and people feel personally rejected if you don’t just gobble down everything they offer you, even though it has nothing to do with them personally. I have some adult friends who are still quite picky, and though I think it’s weird, I go along with what they want because I care about them more than I care about what foods we can eat together.