My son had one of his epic meltdowns yesterday. It started at pick up and continued until bedtime. He was screaming, thrashing, insulting, threatening, throwing, and crying for two straight hours. At one point I was reheating the dinner he was refusing to eat, hoping to get a few bites in him before he went to bed, and I dropped food into the dishwasher that was full of clean dishes my husband hadn’t emptied. This was the 2nd time I had done this, and I was frustrated and I kind of lost it and slammed the dishwasher closed. My husband thought my frustration was about him not emptying the dishwasher (it had been over a day) and kind of lost it at me, at which point I yelled at him. Actually, I screamed at him. So loud. The scream was a discharge of all the rage and anger I had been absorbing for the last two hours (and the rest of the day actually). It lasted maybe three seconds, and it was unacceptable, and it negated all the patience I had shown and good choices I had made while navigating the two hour tantrum.
I’m mad at myself because screaming that loud is never acceptable, and I need to learn how to recognize I’m getting to that point and find a way to diffuse my frustration productively.
I’m mad at my husband for not stepping in to help more, and for his zero-tolerance attitude toward anger of any kind, and his refusal to recognize the part he played in what happened.
I’m mad at our continued cycles of me doing too much and him not helping enough and the resentment I end up feeling and the parts both of us play in that cycle.
Now it’s the morning and my husband and I are still not speaking to each other, and I don’t have my ballot ready for him to deliver because he did his without me and I had sub plans to write last night and by the time I was done it was late and I was tired.
I’m sad. And mad. And disappointed. In both of us, but mostly myself.
And now it’s time to start another day.
You are so hard on yourself. Often times, after reading your posts, I feel so sad for you. A 2 hour tantrum would likely break the strongest and best of us. And, if on top of that, you’re feeling like the balance of responsibilities in your home and marriage are uneven right now, this would only add to that stress. Outbursts happen, and sometimes they’re actually required (in my humble opinion) when mom is overloaded, over-stressed and dealing with an acute situation. You are human. Parenting is hard. Give yourself a break! (And see if you can sit down with your husband and talk about how he can maybe help out a little more :))
100% agree with Lisa. A 2-hr tantrum is a form of torture that would cause even the best person to lose it.
I know you feel guilty, but I also think your husband is aware of his role. Do try to talk with him, being mindful that there may be some additional frustrations guiding him to be lashing out at you more in this moment.
The judgement I get from my husband when my demonstrations of anger are deemed unacceptable is crushing. I have tried to talk to him about it but he believes this is one area where there is no room for forgiveness.
Your husband can f*ck himself, seriously. Is screaming the best thing ever? No, but neither is withdrawing and/or judging rather than being a partner and helping to resolve the situation.
I think there is WAY too much policing of women’s anger, and too many men think they get to judge what is the “right” way for women to behave. The situation you described sounds entirely reasonable for a brief primal scream!
Also, people have forgiven others who have committed things like murder, genocide, etc but your husband won’t forgive (leaving aside whether it’s even something that needs to be forgiven) a brief verbal outburst? I think someone’s out of whack on this (and it’s not you).
I’m curious about that: why is he so unforgiving? Question not directed at you but at him. This assumes a model of infallibility or that he has an underlying sense of guilt about how he’s failing.
It would be one thing if this was completely out of the blue, but a 2-hour temper tantrum with zero relief?!? And add in that he’s not been helping you.
My guess is there’s a lot more going on there that he’s not telling you. You mentioned before that your in-laws are unhappy about the cat staying with them and he’s anxious about the AirBnB situation. Also, how is he reacting to you traveling with the kids? Is he seeming distant or excited about the upcoming trip?
Stop. Wait. Everything else is NOT negated, in the same way that practicing patience for two minutes doesn’t erase years of tantrums. We are more than single moments. And we’re also intention. You have great intention, and that can’t be dismissed because intention matters. A lot.
You lost your cool in a moment when everyone would lose their cool. When it’s more normal to lose your cool than not lose your cool. I think it’s a great time to draw everyone together and talk about it; I lost my cool because of X, Y, and Z. How can we, as a family, pull together so we can all make my intentions possible? What are your intentions? How can I help you achieve yours? It’s actually a good thing that I lost my cool because we got to have this family conversation and understand each other better.
Oh — and if someone doesn’t participate in the family meeting (since your husband may not step up), that’s on them. And you can even point out how it detrimental to have one member of a team not participate in a meeting. How can you get this whole life project done if people on the team don’t work together and pull their weight?
Nodding along with Mel on everything.
I am sorry. I have definitely lost it with kids for much less. It is not right for the other parent to judge if he hasn’t seen the situation (or at all, frankly).
I would have yelled in similar circumstances. I don’t even know that I would be sorry. Frankly, reading what you wrote makes me want to yell on your behalf.
What was your husband doing during the tantrum ? If he is capable of remaining calm, why don’t you leave and let him adress the situation ?
Frankly he seems very judgmental and not helpful, I would be screaming non stop if I had such a husband…
You need to stand up for yourself.
You have some great advice here.
What would have happened if instead of a primal scream you and simply sat down and sobbed? Would that have been a more acceptable action? Or simply walked out of the room and house without any comment? WHAT ACTION WOULD HAVE BEEN ACCEPTABLE? Because things WILL spin out of control again and sometimes we can see it start to happen and act in a split second to change our response IF we have an idea in mind. I still remember the time I stopped and quietly said I was in time out and left to my room (only adult in house so could not step farther away.) Shocked the situation and everyone reframed. Mine was an impulse action but having a plan when things spin helps……..
Loved the question “why is he unforgiving on this response”. Lots of stress ongoing right now. You two need time off together. Good wishes.
I wish there was a “like” button for comments on your blog. I would have liked them all.
I’m genuinely confused. You slammed the dishwasher door (acceptable given everything going on) and HE lost it on you first? Then you lost it back, and HE’S mad and upset? What about him reacting to your slamming of the door? He could have ignored that and moved on, and I don’t know, maybe have helped the situation with your son? I know it doesn’t matter who started it, but he’s the one who started with the verbal assault. And yet, you feel bad. I agree with the earlier comment that women’s reactions, anger and emotions are policed and judged – absolutely. And it’s not ok.
We all lose it. I lose it often. It’s not for our spouse to judge.