Nine Weeks

I can’t believe it’s already April 18th. The first week of April was my spring break, and even though my son crashed all the days I had allotted for rest and rejuvenation, it was still good to be away from work. Last week was a whirlwind of grief and emotional turmoil. This weekend offered some much needed opportunities to slow down and take some deep breaths. And now it’s solidly mid-April.

There are nine more weeks of school. On the one hand, that feels impossibly long, especially after I lost my chance to regroup over spring break, and then I was put through the emotional wringer before my break was even over. There is definitely a sense of, keep-your-head-down-and-just-get-through-this to the coming months. At the same time, after those two months it’s summer break. It feels like just yesterday that this school year started–how can it almost be over?

My daughter only has six more weeks of school–her district ends the year before the Memorial day weekend. She’ll be at camp for four weeks while I finish my school year and those weeks will be a lot less stressful at home. We really are in the final stretch. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s so, so bright.

But it’s still a pin prick and there are moments when it feels impossibly far away. I’m so tired, and I find myself falling back on emotional detachment just to get by. Occasionally something will knock me into my grief and my eyes will well with tears, but the moment is never opportune and I quickly and neatly compartmentalize my pain so I can be productive. I tell myself it’s okay to do this, that there is a time and a place to grieve, and that when I find myself in that space I’ll let it happen. Except When I have the time and space it’s late and I’m tired and I just want to play solitaire on my phone until bedtime. I’m not consciously avoiding my feelings, but I worry it’s happening anyway, and that the results will be the same.

I’m so tired, and there is so much to do before mid-June. I’m working on slowing down, on managing my expectations. There was so much I wanted to accomplish over spring break and now that time is gone and my to-do list remains virtually untouched. And whenever I mentally return to it, I feel overwhelmed.

The weather is nice right now, and the days suddenly seem so long. We have long since left winter behind and already spring seems like a memory. But there are still nine long weeks between me and what looks from here like a salvation of sorts. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other it gets here.