We’re four weeks into the school year and we’re starting to find a rhythm. Even though I still have way too much work to do in the time allotted, this week feels more manageable than past weeks, and we even enjoyed a busy weekend without me feeling like it screwed me for the rest of the week.
For some reason, this week things just feel better. This week is just a good week. And the reason might ultimately be… one I have absolutely no control over.
I mentioned a little while ago that I was spiraling at the beginning of the school year. I vague blogged about it then because I expected to write more about it soon after. Of course the school year revved into full gear, I quickly felt totally overwhelmed, and blogging was pushed to the (way, way, waaaay) back burner.
So here I am trying to circle back to a topic I barely alluded to almost a month ago. And doing a piss poor job of it. I guess there isn’t an eloquent way to say it so I’ll just type it out.
The reason I was spiraling in mid August was because I realized I am officially in perimenopause. Since late June I’ve been having my period every two weeks. The ablation kept any menstrual bleeding away for about a year, but then I started noticing my cycles again. It was always a very light affair – mostly just some sustained spotting – which was the point of the ablation. I can’t wear tampons because of prolapse, and I wanted to be able to swim even if I were having my period, and I can technically still do that, so I guess it’s fine. But when you’re having your period every two weeks, even three days of spotting starts to get old. When I got my period again in mid August, two weeks after I’d gotten it in early August (and in mid July and early July and mid June), I kind of lost my shit. I also started to recognize the nights when I woke up really warm, and needed to shed all the blankets for 15 minutes before I could get back under the sheets and fall asleep, was a new kind of night wake up. And the kicker… I realized that I felt very unwell, mentally and emotionally.
When I lined it all up, it was so obvious what was happening, but I’ve been so distracted by Covid and the start of school that I honestly did not realize until it was not just staring me in the face, but repeatedly poking my nose.
And then I kind of freaked out. Not because I’m only 41 and experiencing symptoms of perimenopause, but because I was so mentally unstable that I felt more like the me of my mid-20s than the me of the last five years. The me of my mid-20s was a mental health DISASTER. I NEVER want to be that woman EVER AGAIN. And the thought of falling back into that terrified me.
When I was trying to have a second child, my RE warned me that I would probably experience menopause in my early 40s. I’ve been waiting for it, but I have to admit, I didn’t expect it to start quite so soon. I only just turned 41 in July, so I am VERY MUCH in my early 40s. But I guess diminished ovarian reserve doesn’t play. If, at 32 I had the ovarian reserve of most women in their mid 40s, it’s not surprising my body is already readying itself for the next stage.
I’ve been worried about it because my mom had a rough time with her (difficult and protracted) experience of perimenopause. I remember it being pretty awful for her: my stoic mom who always seemed to float above the fray was suddenly at the mercy of internal forces she couldn’t control. We have very similar reproductive histories so I’ve always assumed I’d have a hard time of it as well.
Luckily, most of my friends are 5-10 years older than me and many of them have been able to share their experiences and offer their commiseration. Even more luckily, Captain Awkward recommended this book, which had just been published, and which I ordered literally immediately. (It’s amazing and I highly recommend it.)
On Monday I saw my OBGYN; I was due for a pap smear, and wanting to talk about my concerns finally spurred me to make the appointment. Unfortunately I had to add a endometrial biopsy to the order because any bleeding that occurs inside of a two week window is considered “abnormal” and checking for precancerous cells is the “standard of care.” So on Monday, after my pap smear, I had to undergo a truly painful procedure that left me curled up cramping for the rest of the night. It certainly doesn’t portend Western medicine’s help in the coming months and years.
And that’s fine. Western medicine has rarely provided solutions for my specific reproductive woes, and I didn’t expect it to be of much help here. I started taking a women’s multivitamin and a B-complex along with my daily Magnesium pill. Right now I’m alternating the days I take the multivitamin and the B-complex because they both have lots of Vitamin-B6 and B12. About four weeks in, I think it’s helping. My mood seems more stable. It might be the placebo effect – and I’m fine if it is – but some weeks are definitely better than others so we’ll see.
It’s crazy to me how much more manageable this week feels when really nothing has changed. I guess I just need to really appreciate these weeks moving forward, and give myself more grace when I feel totally overwhelmed. My cycle has also stretched some since I started taking them, which isn’t surprising. B-vitamins helped me stretch my normal 20-21 day cycle to 26 days when I was trying to conceive. I don’t think I would have gotten pregnant without regular old vitamin supplements. Vitamin B supplements are known for helping mood anyway, and I’ve been meaning to take them again, but the good ones are expensive and it was always easier to put off buying a bottle. Now I have a renewed interest in laying down my credit card.
So yeah, that is one of the things I’ve been dealing with during the last month, along with all the normal insanity of starting school, and the increased anxiety of returning to in person learning, with unvaccinated kids at home, during a deadly wave of the pandemic. It’s been a lot, and I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying to prioritize sleep even when I need to get work done, trying to educate my husband about something I don’t know nearly enough about.
I want to write more, but this is all the time I’ve got, and I’m going to set this to publish because otherwise it will never go up. If you have any advice on weathering this massive change please send it my way!
Thank you for sharing this, and the book recommendation.
How does one know which B vitamins are the good ones( are there reviews? Something else?)
Sending good vibes your way.
It’s better to get food based instead of synthetic. There are plenty of “good ones” out there and they are all around $30+ for about 2 months worth. I found some on Amazon that checked the boxes and I’m also interested in looking some more. If anyone has any recommendations let me know!
I’m also edging into this time, having had a couple of 60+ day cycles and a couple of anovulatory ones in the past two years. My doc recommended that I add a calcium and magnesium supplement for the sake of bone health, and as soon as I added the magnesium, I noticed an almost immediate impact on my mental state; I googled “magnesium and mood,” and sure enough, that is a thing, at least for some people. So that might be worth discussing with your doc too.
Oh I need magnesium to function. If I stop taking it I start crying. Like clockwork. So yes, I cannot say enough good things about magnesium supplements!
I am on OBGYN (in South Africa), and while I know conventional medicine has its place, it is helpful to try alternatives that have proven track records. Evening Primrose Oil is definitely a helpful supplement – maybe give it a try?
Oh! I will! Thanks! I am a big believer in supplements (especially in helping me personally because I have seen them do it). I will absolutely give it a try.
I highly recommend period underwear for spotting. I have light periods because of the iud and I barely notice them with period underwear. I have the Dear Kate brand. They are expensive but I just do more frequent laundry during my period so I don’t have too many pairs. There are cheaper brands but someone recommended these so I went with it. You should also look into period underwear for when your daughter starts menstruating although I don’t know how well they will work with a heavy flow.
I have a couple pairs but I need to re-up my supply. I’ll try that brand our. My daughter actually just started wearing them most of the time because her discharge really bothers her and the reusable pantyliner things I got her are always moving around in her underwear. She really loves the new underwear we got her. Thanks for the brand reco!
It takes time (how long is variable) but you will come out on the other side. Steady state hormones are lovely. Discuss your personal health with the doc re hormone replacement options. DO NOT GO WITHOUT UNLESS YOUR DOC SAYS THERE IS CAUSE! Women’s hormones are good for us!
Cheers and Best wishes for all of you. PS: Hormonal fluctuations are different from being mentally ill. Stay clear on that and control hormonal levels!
PS: It is HARD to go through the transition of hormonal activation and also stopping. Stopping when living with a person who is starting is particularly tough as there are hormones raging in two different people at the same time. Give yourself LOTS OF GRACE and teach your daughter the same.
Yep. I’m 44, so a few years older, but otherwise — right there with you.
Obvi discuss with your Ob (it sounds like you have a decent relationship with them?) but I’ve heard of people having variably improved symptoms with a) Mirena, b) estrogen containing OCPs, c) hysterectomy. Also period underwear. Obviously none of these things is without a downside, and honestly it totally grinds my gears that reproductive medicine for women in their 40s — outside of having babies — is such a neglected field. I hate that when I go to the doctor I expect to be blown off and my concerns minimized. I hate that it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. I hate that there’s not much to do except wait it out.
I’m truly sorry it was a miserable experience, but this random gyn on the internet is relieved your gynecologist recommended the biopsy- I was reading the first half of the post mentally debating how appropriate it was to say please talk to your actual gyn about a biopsy.
As general information about perimenopause…all the things OMDG said can be appropriate/helpful depending on one’s history and anatomy (sometimes it’s hard to insert an IUD after an ablation, some medical problems are a contraindication to OCPs with estrogen, although there’s a newer and costlier OCP without estrogen that’s actually decent for cycle control). If someone has prolapse that’s bad enough to prevent using a tampon and interferes with living their life… a urogynecologist can be helpful to figure out if a hysterectomy with prolapse repair might be helpful. Presumably you’ve discussed most/all of this with your actual gynecologist before and gotten actual personal medical advice, so take all that with the massive grain of salt that general internet speculation deserves.